


Beneath The Skin

by Jadders92



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alone, Aurors, Battle of Hogwarts, Blood, Cursed, Curses, Dementors, Empathy, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Gen, Gryffindor, Harry Potter Era, Help, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, Loss, Loss of Parent(s), Love, Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter), Mother-Daughter Relationship, Nightmares, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Pain, Patronus, Quidditch, Second War with Voldemort, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Struggle, Struggling, Torture, Triggers, Trust, Trust Issues, War, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-12-16 11:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 36
Words: 129,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21035837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadders92/pseuds/Jadders92
Summary: This is the story of one young woman's struggle with pain, inner pain, mental pain, physical pain, psychological pain, every kind of pain you can imagine. Remus Lupin understands pain, he wants her to understand that it doesn't mean you can't feel anything else, he wants her to understand that pain has absolutely nothing on love.Before you read this story, I will give you a word of warning; this story contains mentions of self-harm and suicidal tendencies. I want you all to stay safe, so please look after yourselves. I'm always up for a chat on tumblr if you feel you need to vent to a stranger, goodness knows, I've needed to vent. I can't promise answers, but I can promise I'll listen.Thank you to thefifthmarauder for helping me find the courage to share my story with you guys. ;)





	1. First Day

The first class of the term was slightly nerve racking and what made it worse was that it was seventh years. Being thrown in at the deep end was not Remus’s ideal start to his first year teaching at Hogwarts, but he didn’t whine about it, he needed this job so he would just do as he was told and not complain about anything. 

The class began settling in and Remus kindly smiled at the oldest students in the school, some of them looking suspiciously hungover and others clearly feeling a little sad that this would be their last year at Hogwarts. It didn’t go unnoticed that there was an empty seat at the very back of the class, no one else seemed to care too much that there was a student missing, so Remus went about calling the register.

‘Where is Miss Carter?’ Remus directed his question at the Gryffindor girl sitting next to the empty seat, who just shrugged and gave no indication that this was a one off occurrence. ‘Right, well, hopefully she will be along soon.’

Remus turned back to the board and heard one of the students say ‘not bloody likely’. He continued the rest of the lesson and gave out the first assignment of the year much to the disappointment of the students. 

The seat remained empty. Remus didn’t have much time to dwell on it any longer as his next class was about to begin. 

The whole week had gone well, apart from the mysterious empty seat and the absence of Miss Rosaline Carter. Remus decided to ask McGonagall about it.

‘She hasn’t shown up to any of my classes yet either,’ the Transfiguration professor sighed outside her classroom. ‘Though to miss an entire week of one subject is unusual even for her.’

‘So, this is a regular occurrence?’

‘Unfortunately, yes. Miss Carter is probably the top student in the whole school, despite her punctuality and Professor Dumbledore has already spoken with her about it. They came to an agreement that she show up to at least one class of each subject every week, I’m sure there is a good reason for her neglect.’ McGonagall was about to walk away, but the whole thing seemed incredibly bizarre.

‘Sorry, but,’ Remus stopped her. ‘You’re telling me we have a student who may or may not show up to classes and that Dumbledore is okay with this?’

‘Well, of course not. Poppy is the one that has recommended we adhere to her requests until a form of treatment can be found.’

‘Treatment for what?’

McGonagall’s eyes widened momentarily. ‘You haven’t been informed? You should see the Headmaster immediately Remus, I can only apologise, I thought you were informed of her circumstances.’

Remus didn’t bother asking any more questions, he went straight to Dumbledore to ask him about Miss Carter.

‘I had hoped that she would come forward herself,’ Dumbledore said rather cryptically. ‘But I can understand that the last few years have been hard for her. I will speak with her over the weekend and see that she makes it to at least one of your classes next week.’

‘That would be preferable, but I would like to know if there is an issue I need to be aware of.’ Remus was a little too close to a full moon to have much patience, but he was doing his best.

The headmaster thought and looked at Fawkes for a few moments. ‘Miss Carter is the daughter of Margaret Carter, you might not have heard of her, but she was the reason for the end of the war. An incredibly smart woman, quiet and calm, extremely skilled in dark magic… she was a Death Eater who, with Severus, decided to risk their lives and become agents for the Order. Margaret was killed eleven years ago, her daughter is the only witness and she has never spoken on the subject. She is the only one who knows what really happened that night and has yet to confide in anyone.’

‘Another Death Eater?’

‘Possibly.’ Dumbledore nodded. ‘I wonder if given the chance to speak with her, you might be able to encourage her to speak about those events.’

‘I’ve never even met her, what makes you think I will be able to do any more than you?’

‘You might have more in common than you think,’ Dumbledore leaned forward. ‘She has seen a great deal of horror and pain in her life and very little in the way of kindness, something you may be able to relate to, and I can only imagine the dementors will inflict a great deal of pressure onto her already fractured mind.’

Remus wasn’t keen on Dumbledore’s assumption, he’d seen plenty of kindness, but very little of it directed towards him. He left the headmaster in peace and took a wander around the grounds, it was one of the things he found kept him calm in the midst of confusion or stress. 

It was another couple of weeks until finally Miss Carter made herself known to him, she sat quietly at the back and had her head buried in a book. It was Oliver Wood who moved the smirking Gryffindor girl away from her and took the seat beside her, once again no one thought this a particularly unusual event and simply said nothing as they settled. 

Remus needed to rest a little after his morning with the third years and had the seventh year class look at a few essay subjects that they might have wanted to write about for their next assignment. He took the time in between helping a few of the students, to observe Rosaline Carter.

She was almost completely silent, only speaking when Oliver needed some more ink or to apologise for barely knocking his hand while he was writing. Remus couldn’t quite see all of her face, but it was clear she had a strong, small frame and judging from the way Wood had behaved around her, she was probably on the Quidditch team. Her dark hair was thick and tied up in a loose bun, while her focussed gaze remained in her book, she didn’t even look up when he called her name in the register.

‘Wood, what are you researching?’ Remus decided to take the plunge and talk to her.

‘Vampires?’ Wood looked up and it was clear he wasn’t exactly concentrating. ‘Thought it would be an interesting project?’

‘Yes, well, maybe you could look into something a little more local? I’ve been told you have an interest in centaurs?’ Remus spent a few minutes talking to the Gryffindor Keeper about his project on Centaurs, all the while keeping his eye on Rosaline. He could see her face a little more clearly and a whip of pain shot through his chest. It was like looking in a mirror, the pained expression on her face said it all, her watery green eyes broke his heart in a way he wasn’t ready for. 

Remus dismissed anyone in the class who wanted to get an early lunch or start on their essay project, that was the cue for most of the class to leave. He had hoped that Miss Carter would stay, but it seemed she missed the announcement altogether and Wood was the one to ask her something, ushering the both of them out of the classroom. 

It was only when Remus turned around to tidy a few things on his desk that he got the feeling that told him he wasn’t alone. He took a moment to see her stopped at the door, saying something to Wood. Remus watched as the young man gave a small smile and nodded, leaving her in the classroom.

Remus continued tidying his desk, as the last few students finally began leaving, he didn’t go towards Miss Carter, instead allowing her to move towards him at her own pace. It took her a long time to actually move away from the door, but when she did, she walked right up to him and took a breath. 

‘Professor Dumbledore said I should apologise,’ her voice was incredibly soft, she really didn’t use it a lot. ‘He advised me, said it would be a good idea to let you know that I am sorry for missing your classes over the last couple of weeks.’

‘That’s quite alright,’ Remus smiled and tried to be as cheerful as he could. ‘You’re here now. Can I look forward to you returning tomorrow? We’ll be starting work on duelling, mostly theory, but that’ll depend on everyone’s ability and confidence.’ It was like she was holding back tears constantly and it made Remus feel deeply heartbroken for the young woman standing in front of him. 

‘I… I don’t like duelling.’ She said, it was so quiet that Remus had to step forward a little to hear her.

‘Well, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.’ Remus assured her. ‘If you would feel more comfortable sitting to the side, reading up on the theory or working on anything else you need to, then I’ve got no problem with that.’ Again, it was another few moments where she was clearly thinking on something and Remus felt no inclination to interrupt her. 

‘Will it be on the exam?’

‘Duelling? Yes, I’m afraid it will be,’ Remus nodded. ‘But I am more than happy to make special arrangements if you don’t feel comfortable performing in front of your classmates.’

‘Really?’

‘Of course,’ Remus frowned, almost laughing. ‘I want you pass with flying colours and I will do everything I can to ensure you are ready for your exams. You will need to practice a few of the more complex spells in the meantime though, again, I’m more than happy to help with this if you feel you need it. It’s entirely up to you Miss Carter-‘

‘Rosaline.’ She suddenly snapped. ‘No one calls me that, my name is Rosaline.’ It was a flash of uncontrolled fury and Remus could only imagine why. 

‘Rosaline.’ Remus nodded. ‘I’m only here to help and my door will always remain open for any student who asks for it.’

It took her a few moments to think on what he said and before he could say anything else, she nodded to herself and left the classroom. There was no guarantee that Remus would see her again, but it seemed McGonagall was hopeful about the whole thing.

‘I don’t think any teacher has managed to get her to talk quite as much as that in her entire time at the school.’

‘She barely said a word.’ Remus scoffed, looking out at the courtyard on their way past.

‘Remus, let me be as clear as I can.’ McGonagall suddenly stopped. ‘Rosaline Carter has never asked a teacher a question in all her years here at Hogwarts, she’s barely given more than two sentences to any other staff member. Believe me, this is a big step for her.’

Remus was left to think on what McGonagall had said, could it really be true that this scared young woman had said more to him in their brief encounter than she had to any other teacher in the seven years that she had been at the school? 

Remus was surprised to find that she returned to his class the next day, she didn’t participate and in fact the second Remus decided to get the class up and doing some basic duelling drills, she disappeared. 

He thought he’d blown it, that she would never come back to his class, Rosaline Carter was gone and for the next few weeks Remus was right. He hadn’t seen her even in the halls, she obviously went to Quidditch training, because everyone was talking about the next game. Remus wasn’t actually sure of what position she played, but he was excited to see her nonetheless. 

It was quite by chance when Remus was walking around the grounds, clearing his head that he saw her sitting on a large rock by the lake, reading a heavy book, she didn’t seem to be wearing anything more than her school jumper and a pair of jeans, she must have been freezing.

‘Rosaline?’ Remus kept his distance, trying not to startle her, but as it happened, she was an easy scare. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.’ She just watched him for a moment, unsure of what to do. ‘Mind if I sit with you? The view is quite something.’

Rosaline took a few seconds to actually shift over and allow Remus to sit with her. After another minute or so, she went back to reading, but it was clear from where he was sitting that she was shaking violently with the cold.

‘Are you cold?’ Remus asked, keeping his voice low, again so as not to startle her. She nodded but never looked up from her book. ‘Maybe we should go inside, get up you warmed up a bit.’ Rosaline’s eyes stopped moving, but she shook her head. ‘It’s no use sitting out here and freezing-‘

‘I need to stay awake.’ Her voice was just above a whisper, but Remus heard her loud and clear. 

‘That would indicate that you’re not sleeping properly?’

Rosaline nodded.

‘Have you told Madame Pomfrey?’ 

She nodded again. Remus wondered why Poppy wouldn’t help her if she was struggling to sleep, possibly she was refusing any treatment? Maybe it was time for a different approach.

‘Rosaline, I have been here for almost two months and in that time, I have spoken to you twice,’ Remus started, perhaps honesty was the best policy. ‘I was worried when you didn’t show up for the first few classes and one of your classmates eluded to the fact that this was a regular and unsurprising occurrence. My curiosity peeked and I asked Professor McGonagall about you, that led me to the Headmaster.’ Remus took a breath, Rosaline had yet to look up or even move, but her eyes were still. Her attention was fully focussed on Remus. ‘Professor Dumbledore informed me of your mother, a subject that I would never press you on, he told me a few other things that I’m sure you’d rather no one know about and again, I would never ask or force you to say anything, it’s not my place to do so.’ Remus looked back at the young woman sitting next to him, she was about to burst into tears, any second now the floodgates would open and Remus tried to be ready for it. ‘Rosaline, the only thing I would like to know is if you are capable of producing a patronus? From the little I have been told, its clear that if the dementors who are currently guarding the school sense what is in your past, they will attempt to feed from you. All I want is for you to be able to defend yourself, should one of your teachers fail to reach you in time.’

The floodgates opened and it was an unusual sight. She was crying at a pace that Remus had never seen before, but she was doing it silently and without expression. She was practised, very well practised. 

Remus wasn’t sure what to do, he didn’t want to touch her in case it upset her in any way, but he wanted to comfort her. He took his warm cloak off and very carefully draped it over her shoulders, her whole body relaxed into the tiredness she felt. 

Rosaline closed her eyes for a moment and breathed steadily. ‘I don’t.’ She whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘There’s never any need to apologise for not knowing something, especially not to me.’ Remus smiled, trying to reassure her. ‘If you would like me to, I can teach you how to perform a patronus with which to defend yourself. Do you think that’s something you would be interested in?’ 

It was another few moments where Rosaline looked out at the lake, before she answered quietly. ‘I don’t think I can do it.’ 

‘Why would you think that?’ 

Remus watched her mouth open and then close abruptly, there was something she was embarrassed to say out loud. ‘I don’t have any happy memories.’ The tears came out again and once again she had no expression to speak of. 

Remus felt an immense sadness that he hadn’t felt in a long time, how could she have no happy memories? 

‘Everyone has a happy memory,’ Remus tried to encourage her. ‘What about when you play Quidditch? Surely you’re happy doing that?’

To Remus’s great surprise, she shook her head. 

‘Then why are you on the team?’

‘Madame Pomfrey said it would be good for me… but it doesn’t feel good.’

‘I see.’ Remus sighed. ‘Then we need to find something that feels good, a new hobby, one you can enjoy.’

It was the first time she actually looked at Remus, her bright green eyes were bloodshot and wet, she was still shaking and Remus was at a loss for what to do. 

‘Like what?’ She asked, Remus could see such desperation and pain behind her eyes, everything just seemed to hurt and he felt such a connection to that, it pained him. 

‘Well,’ Remus swallowed, thinking about anything that was the desperation in her eyes. ‘Some people enjoy playing chess,’ a miniscule frown appeared on her face and Remus proceeded to go through a list of possible things that she could pick up as a hobby, none of them seemed to sound too appealing to her though. ‘I personally enjoy walking around the grounds and Hogsmeade, just seeing the sights.’ Rosaline wasn’t as down on the idea of wandering around. ‘Well, if you fancy a walk, feel free to come and see me. There’s a lovely spot in the hills that overlooks the entirety of Hogwarts, would you like to see it?’

Rosaline turned to face him and nodded.

‘I’ll take you up there any time you like,’ Remus promised, he could see that her eyes were struggling to remain open, but at least she wasn’t shivering anymore. ‘Though you may have to bring a coat with you when we do, it’s cold up there anyway, but with the winter coming in it’ll be a little worse. You’ll need to stay warm.’

There was a sudden frown on her face, like some memory was playing out behind her eyes. She didn’t take her gaze away, instead she almost assessed his face, Remus couldn’t quite work out what was happening, but he was also afraid to ask. 

‘I don’t mind the cold.’ She said. Remus was unsure of how to respond. ‘It keeps me awake.’

Remus smiled kindly. ‘Most people your age enjoy sleep more than most other things… though I have to admit, I feel the same way about it.’ It hit Remus in a matter of seconds, she didn’t want to go to sleep because she had nightmares, probably vicious, possibly so realistic and based in reality that just closing her eyes must have been painful. Maybe this was what Dumbledore was hoping she would open up about. 

‘Do you have nightmares as well?’ She asked. Remus could see all she wanted was to know was that someone understood the fear of falling asleep.

‘I do.’ Remus nodded. ‘Mostly about the war, I expect you’re the same?’ Remus watched her slowly turn to look out at the lake again. ‘It was a terrifying time for me as an adult, I can’t imagine being a child in amongst it all.’

Rosaline didn’t say anything, instead she just sat watching the water for a while, Remus allowed her the room to do just that and found the company oddly relaxing. 

‘I…’ Remus could see her hands balling up into fists, she was in a great deal of pain and it almost looked physical for a while. ‘I want to talk about it.’ She said and Remus automatically turned to listen to her. ‘But… I don’t want to remember anything about it.’ 

Remus took a breath and tried to think quickly. ‘There are a great many things in our pasts that cause us pain, things we’d rather forget. But talking about it, creating an understanding can help us to move past the pain and suddenly the horror of it, doesn’t seem so terrifying.’ She couldn’t quite look at him again. ‘Rosaline, I won’t force you to talk about your past, I won’t even ask you to think about it if you don’t want to, but I’ve always found wisdom in talking about the things that bother me.’ 

Rosaline sniffed. ‘Like what?’

‘Like how worried I am for you,’ Remus responded, there was no way he was going to reveal his secrets to her, he could never put anyone in that kind of danger. ‘I find myself more often than not, wondering if you’re okay, hoping that you’re somewhere laughing with your friends and having the time of your life. I worry that it might not be the case and that you might need someone to talk to who isn’t exactly a friend, someone you can trust to keep your secrets.’ Rosaline suddenly looked at him. ‘I’m keeping a fair few secrets of my own, I’ve gotten very good at it.’

It was another few minutes, but Rosaline didn’t say anymore and Remus decided not to press her on the subject, but rather he suggested they go back to the castle and get something to eat. He also suggested an early night, possibly even seeing Madame Pomfrey for something that may help her to get a good night’s rest.

‘We can’t give her anymore dreamless sleep, I’m afraid.’ Poppy said, the matron was tired by the time Remus went to visit her. It was a quiet night in the hospital wing. ‘She has built up a tolerance for it over the summer, I warn her at the end of every year to be cautious when using dreamless sleep, but she never listens.’

‘It doesn’t work for her?’ Remus questioned, stepping a little further inside the office. 

‘The potion should only be taken in extreme circumstances,’ Poppy sighed. ‘Unfortunately, Miss Carter’s situation is extreme by definition.’

‘In what way?’

‘I think she’s cursed, Remus.’ The matron suddenly had a much more serious look on her face. ‘Her threshold for pain is unprecedented, though I have my fears that it isn’t, rather, she has just gotten used to it.’

‘What kind of pain? Physical? Can’t we give her something for it?’

‘I’ve tried.’ Poppy shook her head. ‘No painkiller we’ve tried seems to work, unless she tells us what happened on the day her mother died, there isn’t much more we can do beyond guesswork. I wish there was another way, but there’s only one curse that can cause this kind of damage.’ Cruciatis. Remus felt his entire body weaken. ‘She was seven years old when her mother was killed, can you imagine being seven and seeing such a thing?’

Remus couldn’t believe it, there was no way that someone could survive the Cruciatis curse at that age. He thought about the way she walked around, rigid, like it was painful to move, like it was painful to breathe, to simply exist. 

‘Has she ever… tried to stop the pain?’ Remus really didn’t want the answer to his question, but Poppy’s expression said it all. He suddenly understood everything, Rosaline Carter had seen the worst of humanity and survived, but it was clear she had never seen any evidence that her sacrifice was worth it.

‘I hope you can help her Remus. She is an extraordinary talent, potential beyond potential, but if she can’t get past this, then she may never make it that far. I’ve done all I can and it hasn’t been enough.’ Poppy sighed and it was obvious that the Healer had a huge amount of guilt over her lack of progress with this patient. 

‘Everyone can be saved, Poppy. You just have to figure out how, we’ll get there, you can be sure of that.’ Remus tried so hard to be reassuring, but something was telling him that Rosaline would be a difficult person to unlock.


	2. Quidditch Warning

She was a Seeker, Harry Potter was ill and Rosaline was the back up Seeker, her usual position being a Chaser and from what Remus was hearing, she was very good. The match was against Slytherin and with the rain, it was sure to be a difficult match for all the players. 

The whistle blew and the game began, Remus didn’t bother watching the game, instead he kept his eyes firmly on Rosaline. She glided through the air, avoiding bludgers and searching for the snitch, on occasion she would assist her Chasers and it was the only time she showed her flying skills, that was until she saw the snitch and took off like a bolt of lightning. 

The two Seekers zoomed in and out of each other as well as the other players, trying to close in on the snitch, until suddenly the both of them shot upwards into the sky, disappearing into the thick clouds. It wasn’t an obscurity that the Seekers disappeared from time to time, but they seemed to have been gone longer than usual. 

Dumbledore suddenly stood up, Remus looked up to see a broom falling through the air at a blistering pace. The Headmaster caught it and indicated to Madame Hooch to end the game, something was happening up in the clouds, he brought the broomstick safely into the teacher’s box and the second he did, someone yelled and pointed up into the clouds. Something green was falling, the Slytherin Seeker, from the movements of him, he wasn’t conscious, but where was Rosaline?

Remus looked at the broom, it belonged to Rosaline that was certain, so why hadn’t she fallen with it? 

Hooch was still corralling the players back into the changing rooms, Dumbledore was trying to lower the Slytherin Seeker to safety, but the blaring sound of a scream was what had everyone stopping in their tracks. Rosaline. 

Remus didn’t hesitate, he wasn’t the best flyer in the world, but he was good enough to find her and bring her back. He shot up into the sky, trying to find his bearings, remembering just how to fly a broom in these conditions, it was coming back to him the further up he went. He couldn’t see particularly well and the cold was biting, but the cluster of black cloaks was unmistakable.

‘Expecto Patronum!’ Remus yelled and it barely made a difference. 

A dozen dementors had latched on to Rosaline and all of them seemed to be keeping her suspended through feeding on her. She was screaming so loudly, Remus needed to get closer to her. He took a deep and painful breath before shooting towards her body and sending off a rather weak patronus. It didn’t matter, it was enough to scare the dementors away so that Remus could catch Rosaline and hold her close to his body. She was no longer conscious and Remus prayed she had found a little peace after the ordeal. 

The dementors were coming back, Remus didn’t dare look back, instead he pointed the broom downwards and shot as fast as he could towards the ground, only pulling up when the Quidditch pitch was in sight. Dumbledore sent up a powerful patronus, presumably dealing with the closing dementors.

Remus finally made it to the ground, he didn’t let go of Rosaline, she was completely limp in his arms and Remus began fearing the worst. Poppy didn’t have any spare stretchers; a couple of the players had gotten caught with the rogue bludgers before Madame Hooch could get them safely back into the container. 

‘I’ll carry her.’ Remus yelled through the rain. He carried her all the way back up to the hospital wing, setting her down on one of the beds and helping to loosen her Quidditch armour. 

Poppy eventually made it over, barking out orders for the others to be treated, she told Remus to grab some potion which told him just how cold he was through warming him up. Remus downed his potion and kept his distance while Poppy treated her patients, including Rosaline.

‘It’s probably best you come back in an hour.’ She said, a little out of breath. ‘We need to assess and decide on the best course of treatment.’ 

Remus did exactly as he was told, he went up to his room, reassuring a few students he passed that the dementors were being dealt with and would not be a threat to anyone in the school. He finally got into his room and headed straight into the hot shower, anything to warm himself up. 

Remus thought about what happened when he was up there, she had been fed upon by a dozen dementors, no one would have any idea of what kind of torture she was going through, but they all would have heard the screaming. Remus could still hear it in his head, the blood curdling scream, the fear and pain all rolling into one sound, from a scared young woman, desperate to feel anything that wasn’t pain. 

It was strange though, when he was up there, the dementors had almost no interest in him, they were so concerned with Rosaline, that he could fly right up to them. The things in her past must have been more terrifying than anyone could ever have imagined for the dementors to latch onto her so viciously.

Remus left it nearly three hours before he went back to the hospital wing, everyone else was heading down for dinner and there were very few people wandering around the corridors after the game. He rightly assumed that Rosaline would still be asleep, so simply sat next to her bed and read through his book. 

‘We haven’t been able to wake her up.’ Poppy said, approaching the bed and folding her arms. ‘Though I suspect she would prefer to stay sleeping for the time being.’ 

Remus took a breath and closed his book, running his hand over his face. ‘How long until you need to wake her?’

‘I can keep her like this for up to a week before it will become necessary.’ Poppy frowned. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘She hasn’t been sleeping properly, it might not be the worst idea to allow her all the time we can to rest without the nightmares.’ Remus suggested. 

Poppy agreed and would make the recommendation to Dumbledore. ‘You were very brave in going after her, Remus. I’m sure she appreciates it.’

‘I’m sure anyone else would have done the same.’ 

There was an uncertainty of if that was true in Poppy’s eyes and Remus couldn’t bear the thought that no other person would have gone after her. He felt a new responsibility to teach her to defend herself against the dementors, Remus never wanted to hear that scream again.

He made regular visits to the hospital wing over the week she remained asleep and was surprised to find that Poppy wanted to wake her a day early. Dumbledore had agreed, but only if Remus was present. Remus had informed him of the conversation beside the lake with Rosaline, but while he was making progress and building the trust, he wanted to keep the details of the conversations between the two of them. 

‘I trust your judgement Remus.’ The headmaster said, just before Poppy went to wake Rosaline. Remus was surprised when he found out that no one had gone down to visit her while she was sleeping, his heart wrenched for her, had he really been her only visitor? Surely Oliver Wood would have made an appearance?

Poppy went about the usual routine of waking a patient, while Remus made sure they had privacy, closing the curtain around the bed and making sure they wouldn’t be interrupted. Remus stood to the side of the bed and watched Poppy stand back for a moment. 

It was only a minute or two before they both noticed Rosaline’s fists beginning to clench, she was waking up and beginning to feel the pain in her body. Her chest began moving at an increasing pace, before slowing as her body adjusted. Remus hated to think that this was what she went through every morning when she woke up. 

Rosaline eventually opened her eyes, they were red, bloodshot and exhausted. She let her breath go and Remus watched her eyes fill with water, none of her tears escaped, again, she was well practised. 

Poppy went through her usual procedure, checking any injuries Rosaline picked up during the game and ensuring she was as comfortable as she could be, while Remus sat and continued to read through his book. Rosaline was soon sitting up against the pillows, she was keeping her breathing steady, it wasn’t effortless by any means and Remus could tell she was trying to keep herself distracted by watching people in the hospital wing.

Remus gave her all the time she needed to wake up properly and relax as much as possible. 

‘Why are you here?’ Her voice cracked while she spoke, it was barely above a whisper.

‘Because, I thought you would like it if someone was here when you woke up.’ Remus smiled, he closed his book, placing it on the table next to Rosaline, giving her his full attention. ‘Do you feel any better?’ She didn’t answer and Remus knew better than to press her for an answer. ‘You’ve been asleep for a week; do you remember what happened?’

‘Yes.’ Remus could hear the venom in her voice, the same as when she corrected him on her name. 

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees to talk to her. ‘I can only imagine what you went through and I want you to know that I am here if you feel there is anything you want to say.’ She didn’t move, Remus wasn’t sure if she was listening anymore. ‘Whenever you’re ready, I will be happy to begin teaching you the patronus charm… in the meantime, I hope you recover in time for the weekend, its forecast to be a bit warmer.’

Remus smiled kindly, giving her a moment to respond; when she didn’t, Remus picked up his book and stood to leave her in peace.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered, Remus almost missed it. ‘For being here.’ 

‘Waking up alone after an ordeal like yours is never a happy time,’ Remus explained, casually looking around the hospital wing. ‘You said you don’t enjoy playing Quidditch and I didn’t want you to wake hating the game even more.’

Rosaline frowned, but didn’t say anything. Remus decided to leave her alone for a while, waking up with him there was enough, at least he hoped it was. 

He was surprised to find over the next month she had shown up to every Dark Arts lesson, they had finished brushing up on duelling and began practising the practical aspect of some spells, Remus allowed her to sit and go over the theory instead, though it was becoming a concern that he had yet to see her perform even a simple spell.

Remus didn’t confront her on the subject, but he was glad that on occasion, when the day was good, she would make eye contact with him and give him a half smile; regardless of what he thought, McGonagall couldn’t help but be thrilled at the supposed progress she was making.

‘Dumbledore thinks she’s going to tell me what happened to her the day her mother died,’ Remus sighed and sat at one of the desks in the transfiguration classroom. ‘But I have serious doubts over whether she’ll ever tell anyone.’

‘Remus,’ McGonagall looked at him over the top of her glasses. ‘She told you she doesn’t like Quidditch. We all thought it was the only enjoyment she got out of her time here and she decided after seven years to tell you that secret. You’re making more progress than any of us ever have.’

The more Remus thought about it, the more he attributed her natural trust of him to the same reason he felt a responsibility to her. She could see his pain. If it was like looking in a mirror for him, he could only imagine it was the same for her, Rosaline could see that he was in pain. It was never a constant for him, Remus would have a lot of good days and maybe only a week of bad days, but it was always lingering in the background.

It only occurred to Remus to wonder about her family, her mother died eleven years before, but what about her father, or any possible aunts or uncles, grandparents. He was sure she didn’t have any siblings, but if she did, where were they?


	3. Secrets and Fear

Remus was about to head out for an afternoon walk, closing the door to his room behind him, when suddenly he spotted Rosaline Carter’s nervous figure pacing outside his classroom door. It was the weekend and most of the students had either gone to Hogsmeade or were finishing up homework for the Monday. Remus watched her for a moment, she seemed to be muttering to herself, deciding whether or not she should have gone in. 

Remus couldn’t help his small smile, maybe progress was being made after all, he took his cloak off again and draped it over his chair. He gave her another moment or two, thinking she may have left entirely, before he slowly stepped outside the classroom. Rosaline was sitting on the floor, holding her head in her hands. There was no real reason for anyone to be around his classroom at that time, so Remus just went to sit opposite her and waited for her to make a decision. 

It was a few minutes, where Remus had closed his eyes, just absorbing himself in his thoughts, before he heard her shifting. He slowly opened his eyes and took a deep breath, waking himself up a little, she wasn’t watching him, but her head was up and she knew he was there. 

‘Can I assume you came here to ask me something?’ Remus asked, gently smiling. Rosaline looked at him a little startled. ‘You look a little cold, why don’t we have a cup of tea in my office?’

She didn’t refuse and Remus just smiled, standing up with a little effort, his long limbs not quite being used to stiffening up the way they did. Rosaline did the same thing, but when it looked like she wasn’t going to enter first, Remus led the way up to his office. 

Remus went about making her a cup of tea, vaguely aware of the fact that she was not in her comfort zone at all and standing awkwardly between the door and one of his armchairs. 

‘Have a seat, I’ll put the fire on in a moment.’ Remus listened to her discomfort as she sat down, sitting rigidly and showing just how much she was in pain. The sound of the fire penetrated his ears and when he sat opposite Rosaline, he was surprised to find that there was no evidence of her having done anything at all. 

They sat in relative silence for a few minutes, Remus just observed her sipping her tea tentatively, until finally she spoke up. 

‘Thank you for being there when I woke up.’ It was the first time she really looked at him and once again those bright green eyes were bloodshot and watery. 

‘You’re welcome, but you’ve already thanked me.’ Remus said, placing his tea down and throwing one leg over the other. ‘Am I right in assuming that there’s something on your mind? Possibly something to do with what happened on the Quidditch pitch?’ She nodded and Remus just smiled. ‘Well, do you remember anything about it?’ There was a flicker of agony that passed over her face before she shook her head. She definitely remembered something, but if Remus hadn’t been looking for her to lie, no one would have caught it. ‘Obviously it was difficult to see anything through the rain, so when the two of you went missing for a few minutes, no one was too worried. And then we saw your broom falling, Madame Hooch began getting everyone inside, then someone spotted the Slytherin Seeker falling, presumably unconscious at the time, but still no you. We heard… it was very clear that something had attacked you, my best guess was the dementors had found you. As Dumbledore and Madame Hooch were busy with the other students and I the only one with the knowledge that you did not know how to perform the patronus charm, felt it was my responsibility to assist you.’

Rosaline swallowed painfully and Remus could see the memory playing out in the front of her mind. 

‘Rosaline, when I found you, you were surrounded by the dementors,’ Remus tried to explain carefully. ‘Not a single one of them was interested in me and that is very unusual. Whatever is in your past is the reason why they were so attracted to you and unless we start practising your patronus, I’m afraid this may not be a one-off occurrence. I will do everything I can to ensure that you are safe from them, but I cannot be there every minute of every day to keep you safe.’

Rosaline nodded and sniffed a little.

‘So, have you thought anymore on what memory you could use to perform the charm?’

‘I told you I don’t have any.’ She mumbled.

‘Well, maybe it doesn’t have to be a happy memory exactly,’ Remus said, thoughtfully. ‘Maybe we can create something for you to use. A happy scenario. It’s been done before and I don’t see why it would be a problem with your talent.’ Rosaline frowned for a moment, a question behind her eyes. ‘You are extraordinarily talented, every teacher in this school thinks so, so why don’t we prove them right? This is complex magic and I have every faith that you can do it.’ 

It was a half-smile, just enough to settle him. This may just have been the way in which to communicate with Rosaline, praise and comfort, putting confidence into her abilities without asking anything in return. 

‘I’ll take that as a yes then.’ Remus smiled and watched as another question began asking itself behind her eyes. ‘What’s on your mind?’ He leaned forward and tried to make her see that he was concerned for her. 

Rosaline swallowed and again the tears began building. ‘My dreams… I never remembered, but I do now.’ She said and Remus could tell that this was extremely difficult for her. ‘Someone carried me, the way you did… he has your face, but it isn’t you… it was never very clear before, just a gap in my memory.’

That seemed to be all she could say on the subject, she was being carried, someone with his face was carrying her, but ‘where to’ and ‘why’ were the only questions Remus had in his mind.

‘Do you think it’s possible that since the dementor attack, you’re simply placing my face in a gap you’ve previously been unable to fill?’ Remus suggested the possibility with as much sensitivity as he could, but she still shook her head. ‘I see. Well, I can say for certain that I never met you before coming back to Hogwarts, possibly it’s someone who just looks like me?’ Rosaline frowned into the fire. He tried hard not to dismiss her memories, instead trying to let her know that whatever she remembered was valid and it was okay. ‘Are we talking about what happened eleven years ago? I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page?’ Rosaline nodded and sniffed again. ‘Okay, well in that case, is there anything else defining about the man carrying you? Does he have scars like mine?’ She shook her head. ‘Then we can safely say it wasn’t me, I’ve had these scars since I was a boy.’

Rosaline frowned and Remus could see a new sadness in her eyes, one that was reserved only for him. ‘He had a brown coat,’ she said, not taking her eyes away from him. ‘There was a red patch on the chest pocket… it was velvet… I remember it being warm.’ 

It was Remus’s turn to frown, he knew someone who had a jacket like that, a man who looked just like him and could never turn down a child who needed help.

‘You know, don’t you?’ Rosaline asked, she was extraordinarily quick at reading faces and she read Remus like a book. 

Remus cleared his throat. ‘My… my father has a jacket as you described, I was always told I looked just like him… but it can’t have been him, because eleven years ago my father was in Wales.’

‘St Athan? That’s where I was born.’

Remus took a moment to watch Rosaline, it was clear that she had been searching for the man who saved her since that night, not having any friends to help her or even clear memories of the man, all she had was a brown jacket with a red velvet pocket.

‘Yes.’ Remus saw the first real smile on her face that he had ever seen, the moment she realised the man who saved her may still have been alive. ‘Rosaline, I don’t want you to get your hopes up, I’ve never heard my father speak of a time when he saved a seven-year-old girl… but I will ask if he has any information that might help you.’ 

‘Thank you.’ She breathed and tears began streaming from her face again, except this time, he could see the hope overflowing inside her.

Remus just nodded and watched her for a moment. ‘You don’t live there anymore?’

Rosaline shook her head. ‘I live with my foster parents in London. Muggles my mother trusted, but they don’t like magic very much.’

‘Well, at least you have a home when you leave here.’

‘I don’t like living with them. I want to leave and live in the country.’ 

Remus could understand the appeal, the country provided space, isolation and the freedom to breathe. 

‘Rosaline, you told me that you wanted to talk about what happened that night, but it was difficult for you to remember,’ Remus could see her retreating back into her shell. ‘If my father is the man who saved you, maybe talking to him about it would help you find some closure. I will write to him tonight and let you know what he says.’ 

She swallowed and frowned at Remus. ‘I… I feel okay… when I’m talking to you, I don’t feel as bad anymore.’ 

‘I’m very happy to hear that,’ Remus smiled. ‘I hope we can share more conversations where you feel happier.’

They remained sitting in his office for another few hours, mostly Rosaline listening to Remus tell her stories about his time in the castle, some of the stories had her beaming widely and he never failed to make them as entertaining as possible to allow her to smile as much as she could handle. Eventually Remus was glad so see she was sleeping, she seemed incredibly peaceful and in no pain at all, in fact she barely even seemed to be dreaming about anything terrifying. He couldn’t deny that there was something very pretty about her features, she was so relaxed and without anything troubling seeping into her expression, Remus imagined this was how she would have been if she had led a happier life.

He couldn’t help himself, Remus took the tea cup that was slowly falling from her grasp and placed it on his desk, it was only when he shifted her hand that he saw something on her wrist. A nasty set of scars, thin lines that seemed to cover the entirety of her inner forearms, some much older than others. Remus wanted to cry, he wanted to make all of her pain go away, but he didn’t know how. He brushed his thumb over the soft skin and almost felt how much it must have hurt her.

He needed to get her into her bed so that she could sleep. Rosaline was the only student in Hogwarts who had her own room, Poppy had told him Dumbledore made the arrangement when she woke the other students regularly with her nightmares. Remus did what he needed to do, he carefully slid his arms under her slim frame ready to step into the fire. To his surprise, Rosaline partially woke and adjusted in his arms, pulling herself closer to his chest and finally feeling comfortable.

Her room was covered in books, half open, piled up everywhere. It wasn’t nearly as big as the usual dormitories, it was much smaller and only fit for one person to sleep in. Remus assumed Dumbledore had put in the extension himself. He lay her down on her bed, carefully helping her out of her jumper and shoes and pulled the sheets up to keep her warm. She settled immediately and Remus left her to sleep, before spotting a picture frame on her bedside table. It must have been her mother, a dark-haired green-eyed woman, holding a child no older than three, in the middle of a garden, the dark mark was clearly visible, but there was nothing that suggested she was a dark witch, her smile was incredibly pretty and her features complimented everything about her. Rosaline had her mother’s smile and suddenly Remus craved seeing it again.

He left before she woke up and caught him intruding. Remus couldn’t explain his desire to see her smile again, but he knew if he could get her to smile just once more then she might have been okay in the end.

Over the next few days she regularly turned up to his class, but began neglecting in every other class, Remus was aware she was waiting on a reply from his father, which he still hadn’t received. She seemed to be a little more conscious about her arms, acknowledging the fact that he might have seen her scars, but she didn’t say anything about them.

‘Right, a little refresher,’ Remus entered the classroom, in his usual cheery mood. ‘We’ll be going over Boggarts as it’ll be on the exam and it’s never a bad thing to stay sharp. Form a line and we’ll begin.’ Remus flicked his wand, bringing the wardrobe forward, he only turned around once the sounds of shuffling students had stopped. He immediately spotted Rosaline sitting at the back of the class, but she wasn’t reading as she normally did, her focus was up and she was curious about the boggart. ‘Now, do we all know the spell with which to repel a boggart?’ There was a mumble of yes’s and Remus decided not to wait any longer, seeing as everyone was excited to test their skills against the boggart. ‘This is a particularly nasty boggart, so do take care, I’ll be here to help if necessary.’

He put the music on and flicked his wand to unlock the door of the wardrobe. Each student came forward and had a go battling the boggart. Some struggled more than others and Remus allowed everyone to leave once they faced the boggart. He glanced over to the spot where Rosaline had been sitting and unsurprisingly, she wasn’t there. Remus sighed and got on with the class, watching as just about every student decided to leave after facing the boggart, it was a very nasty and very stubborn boggart he’d found to test them with. 

To Remus’s delight and curiosity, he suddenly saw that the only two people left were Oliver Wood and Rosaline. She looked incredibly nervous, but Oliver seemed to be encouraging her to give it a go. 

‘Professor Lupin won’t let it get you,’ he whispered. ‘You’ll see.’ 

Remus didn’t actually pay much attention to Oliver’s boggart, he was too concerned with watching Rosaline, she assessed everything Oliver did and swallowed nervously when he was finished. 

‘I think I’m going to go,’ he said, wandering over to Remus. He looked fairly pale. ‘I don’t feel great.’

‘Get yourself to the hospital wing, you did well.’ Remus tried to smile encouragingly, still keeping his attention fixed on Rosaline. He was vaguely aware of Oliver grabbing his bag from the back of the classroom and leaving. ‘So.’ Remus smiled at Rosaline, who was understandably nervous. ‘Step forward, allow the boggart to see you.’ He decided that the best thing he could do as her teacher was to stand a little behind her so that she knew she was safe, should she fail, he would be there to catch her. 

The boggart had turned into a giant frog and Remus could only imagine what Wood was afraid of to turn it into that. 

‘You know the incantation,’ Remus spoke softly, watching as Rosaline began shaking, but it didn’t stop her taking a small step forward. ‘There’s no pressure if you get it wrong, I won’t let it get you… one more step and it’ll see you. Be brave.’

Remus tried to give the boggart space to see her, but remained close enough that she could feel brave. Suddenly it began changing, it was a moment or two, but before Remus could even think, Rosaline was surrounded by a dozen Death Eaters, each with a silvery skull mask and each reaching for their wands. She had frozen, she couldn’t move.

‘What do they look like?’ Remus stepped up behind her, he couldn’t let her fail this. ‘Think Rosaline, think. You know it’s just a boggart, they aren’t real, but what do they look like? Picture it.’ Another moment or two and Remus would have to step in. A cruel laugh began sounding from one of the Death Eaters and Rosaline stepped backwards, tripping and falling over.

Remus darted forward, so he was in clear view of the boggart and watched it change into the silvery orb he hated so much. ‘Riddikulus.’ He said and sent the boggart back into the wardrobe. ‘Rosaline.’ He spun around to see her curled on the floor, holding her head in her hands and crying harder than Remus had seen anyone cry. He knelt down next to her and tried as best he could to comfort her. ‘It’s over. It wasn’t real, they can’t hurt you anymore… Rosaline?’ Remus gently placed his hand on her shoulder and she stilled, her body began relaxing and she took deeper and deeper breaths, calming herself down. ‘That’s it, just relax.’

Remus touched his pocket, making sure he had chocolate on him and decided she was relaxed enough to sit up and have some. 

‘That’s it, deep breaths, you’re okay now.’ Remus encouraged, he heard the classroom door creek and looked up to see McGonagall edging her way in, clearly worried for Rosaline. Remus shook his head, keeping her back and continued making sure that Rosaline was okay. ‘Do you think you could sit up for me?’ He asked and gave her all the time in the world to nod slowly. ‘Good, take as much time as you need.’ He said and helped her sit up, facing the wardrobe, she couldn’t look at it though, keeping her gaze on the floor as she tried to organise her thoughts. Remus kept his hand on her shoulder, realising that the contact was helping her ground herself. ‘There we go, much better already.’ He quickly took the chocolate from his pocket and watched as McGonagall deflated in relief, leaving them be. Remus handed her a small piece and she just frowned at it. ‘It’s okay, it’s just chocolate. It’ll help.’ 

She took it gently with a shaking hand and Remus sat close to her, making sure she really was okay. ‘I’ve never had chocolate before.’ She said, her voice broke in several places.

‘Really? Never been to Honeydukes and stocked up for Easter or for over the summer?’ Remus almost laughed, trying to cheer her up. 

‘They don’t like me having things.’ She said and another few tears fell from her face.

Remus nodded and sighed. ‘Well, I like you having things and I think you’ll like having some chocolate.’ 

He watched her place the square in her mouth from the corner of his eye and to his surprise, she smiled a little.

‘Told you.’ He smiled with her. Rosaline looked at Remus and her bloodshot eyes scanned him, while she ate. She was feeling better. ‘There we go, that’s what we like to see, a smile.’ She smiled a little wider and Remus finally felt like he knew how to reach her, make her smile and everything would be okay. ‘I should point out that you did very well, that particular boggart was a challenge even for me and given what it turned into after seeing you… well, to last as long as you did is a fantastic achievement.’ 

Remus watched her gaze and her expression drop slightly. ‘I want to try again.’ 

He frowned at her, not quite understanding why she would want to go up against the boggart again so soon. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus sighed. ‘I can’t let you face it again until I can be sure that you will know how to deal with it.’ Her face began to contort into frustration. ‘So, let’s work it out. There were a dozen of them, think of the shape and think of what you would normally have around a dozen of.’ She thought for a few minutes, before shaking her head. ‘It’s a common muggle sport, played with a very heavy ball?’

‘Bowling?’ She frowned, but suddenly her faced changed into realisation. ‘Bowling pins.’

‘Exactly!’ Remus said, enthusiastically. ‘If you can picture the bowling pins clearly in your mind, then you may have a chance to repel the boggart.’

‘I can do that.’ She nodded and again, her smile was back.

‘Good, first I want you to have some more chocolate and take a walk around the room,’ Remus said, handing her another piece. ‘Get the blood pumping again and get your body refreshed for the challenge.’ He explained. Remus carefully helped her onto her slightly unsteady legs. ‘Deep breaths, take all the time you need.’ He said and watched her beginning to walk around the room.

Remus made sure the boggart was ready for her and set the music back to the beginning. Rosaline approached the wardrobe and took a deep breath, Remus took a position behind her, watching through the mirror and checking that she was ready. He gently flicked his wand and unlocked the door. 

Rosaline took another deep breath, before watching a dozen Death Eaters emerge from the wardrobe. She began backing away a little, almost reaching where Remus was standing. ‘You can do this,’ he said, ‘just picture the bowling pins clearly in your mind.’

She took a very unsteady breath, trying to find her courage, before saying: ‘Riddikulus.’ It wasn’t anywhere near strong enough and again she backed away when the Death Eaters began laughing. 

‘Again,’ Remus said, firmly. ‘See it and make it happen.’ He could see her struggling, he knew that if she didn’t try again soon, then she would fail again, but Remus couldn’t allow it to happen. ‘There are twelve bowling pins standing in front of you, that laughter is the laughter of friends and families enjoying their evening, picture it, believe it.’ Remus implored.

‘Riddikulus!’ She said and thrust her wand towards the Death Eaters, it took a moment, but she held on so tightly to the image that eventually all of them changed into bowling pins. 

Rosaline was so close to Remus, he didn’t dare move, instead, he allowed her to maintain the image of the pins in front of her for as long as he could, before they began shifting back into the Death Eaters. Remus darted forward and took over, sending the boggart back into the wardrobe. He turned to find that she had fallen back when he stepped forward and again was protecting herself. 

Remus got onto the floor with her again, placing his hand on her shoulder and once again encouraging her to take deep breaths and calm herself down. 

‘I’m sorry.’ She said, her tears getting the best of her again. They sat on the floor for a few minutes, Remus handing her another piece of chocolate and reassuring her that she was okay. 

‘Why are you apologising?’ Remus frowned, placing his hand once again on her shoulder. 

‘I couldn’t hold it any longer.’ 

‘Well, that’s okay,’ Remus half laughed. ‘No one’s expecting you to maintain the image forever, you only need to hold on for as long as it takes for help to arrive.’

‘But what if I’m alone?’ She sniffed and tried to steady her breath.

‘Rosaline,’ Remus lowered his voice. ‘You will never find yourself in a position where someone won’t come to help you if you ask for it. I can guarantee people are much kinder than we think they are.’

Remus could see that she definitely didn’t believe him and he didn’t blame her, he hadn’t presented much evidence to suggest it was the truth. 

‘Why don’t we stop there? You look like you could do with some fresh air.’ Remus said, but she just shook her head. 

‘I need to go and see Madame Pomfrey,’ Rosaline took another deep breath, she was shutting down again, putting her defences up. ‘She’s going to help me sleep.’

Remus couldn’t help his sigh, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he just helped her to her feet and made sure she was in a better state to leave his classroom.

‘What happened?’ McGonagall had burst through Remus’s classroom door, maybe twenty minutes after Rosaline had left. ‘Is she alright?’

He had been in the middle of moving his gramophone closer to the bottom of the stairs when she arrived. The wardrobe was already gone.

‘You mean, Miss Carter?’

‘Yes, of course.’ 

‘She’s fine.’ Remus returned to his desk to finish tidying up. ‘We were covering boggarts and she wanted to try. The first time she failed, the second time was marginally better.’

‘Boggarts? Remus, you think that was wise?’

‘I think she is eighteen and capable of making decisions on her own.’ Remus stopped and looked up at his old teacher. ‘Admittedly, I was curious about what it would turn into, but she did well.’

‘She did well?’

‘Her boggart is being surrounded by a dozen death eaters, on the second try she managed to turn it into bowling pins. I would say given the circumstances, she did extremely well.’ Remus sat back in his chair. ‘My concern now, is that she is able to take the dreamless sleep again.’

‘Why would you be concerned? Surely it’s better than allowing her to have nightmares.’

‘Believe me, nightmares are terrifying, but the best way I’ve found to combat them is create new experiences that excite us, that pleasure us, that bring us joy and quite often, I find on those rare days, the nightmares stay away. Rosaline won’t get better if she continues to ignore her nightmares. I am trying to show her that good experiences will allow her to live a better life.’ 

McGonagall didn’t say anything after that, she just nodded and left Remus in peace.


	4. I Just Want You To Be Okay*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay be warned, this chapter has some of the self-harm I mentioned. No one is forcing you to read it if you don't feel you can, I'll post a summary in the next chapter so that you don't miss out on plot points.

It was the following week that Remus decided to go and visit his father, he had yet to receive a reply and Rosaline was getting a little anxious, possibly believing that he had lied when he said he wrote to his father. 

‘Remus.’ Lyall hugged his son, opening the door to usher him in out of the cold and into the warmth of the old cottage. ‘How are you?’ 

It was a struggle for him to get around these days, his body not being what it used to be, but still he made his son some tea and kept his home warm for his family. 

‘I’m well and you?’ Remus hung his cloak and scarf up on the hook off to one side of the small, cosy kitchen. 

‘Oh not bad, not bad.’ Lyall busied himself with making tea and Remus decided to sit down and wait. ‘Now, how is this new job going?’ He asked, finally settling next to Remus on the sofa, in front of the fire. 

‘Very well, you’d be very pleased to see my students, the future looks very bright indeed.’ Remus was aware that his father knew why he was there, it was only a matter of time. ‘Look, father, I came to ask you about Rosaline Carter and I feel as though you’re keeping something from me.’ 

Lyall shifted uncomfortably. ‘I had hoped we could just forget about the Carters, just enjoy this time together.’

‘You know I can’t do that,’ Remus shook his head. His father was a kind man, a gentle soul at heart, but with a vicious nature when he needed to take a more aggressive stance. ‘I made her a promise that I would gather any information about her mother that I could. She has dreams where she is being rescued by a man with a face much like mine, this man wears a brown coat with a red velvet breast pocket.’ Lyall suddenly looked at his son. ‘I take it that particular detail is of interest to you?’

Lyall stood up immediately and went upstairs to his room. Remus thought for a moment that he wouldn’t come back, but when he did, he was carrying the coat, it was more a suit jacket with patches on the elbows and the breast pocket was large enough that a sleeping child might have mistaken it for a small pillow. 

‘Father.’ Remus stood up, his father was almost in tears.

‘I thought she would die, I thought that poor child would know nothing but pain for the remainder of her short life.’ Lyall couldn’t help letting a few tears go. ‘When you sent your letter, I didn’t realise it was because she survived. Remus, tell me, is she happy?’

Remus wasn’t sure how to answer. Rosaline Carter was not generally considered to be a happy person, but she had her reasons for that. 

‘Remus.’

‘No,’ his father began crying a little more. ‘But she has the chance to be. She needs to find closure on what happened to her mother, she has dreams about a man coming to her rescue and for a long time that man had no face, she couldn’t remember clearly who it was who came to save her, but that changed when the dementors found her.’ 

Remus sat his father down and told him all about what had happened at the Quidditch game, about the boggart and about Rosaline’s addiction to the dreamless sleep.

‘I want you to come to the school to speak with her.’ Remus asked his father. ‘She will be staying in the castle over Christmas and I think it would be good for her to meet you and ask any questions she surely has.’

Lyall nodded, whatever had happened that night, he knew far more than Remus asked about, but it wasn’t his place to ask, it was Rosaline’s and if she chose to tell him at a later date then it would be her choice.

Remus hated seeing Rosaline sitting by the lake in nothing more than a thin hoodie, was the cold really so desirable over her nightmares? Remus felt like a fool for asking himself that question.

‘Good morning.’ He said, cheerfully approaching her. She looked up briefly and nodded, before going back to her book. Remus just sat with her on the rock as he usually did, though even he could feel the biting of the snow between himself and the rock. She must have been freezing. 

‘Madame Pomfrey says I can’t have anymore of the dreamless sleep.’ It was both a relief and a shock to hear her speaking at all. Remus tried to treat it as a normal occurrence. ‘She’s says I’m too dependent.’ 

‘Really?’ Remus took a breath and decided on how best to deal with this. ‘What do you think?’

It seemed to take her a few seconds to decide whether she should have spoken at all. Remus couldn’t take her shivering, he took his cloak off and let it hang around her, she offered no resistance whatsoever.

‘I think she’s right… but it doesn’t make me want to stop.’ When Remus really looked at her, he could see her silent tears once again. 

‘I understand.’ Remus sighed, he knew this would be a problem for her at some point. ‘Christmas is coming up and I would like to give you something. My father has agreed to come to the castle to talk to you about what happened to your mother, if that’s something that interests you?’

Her eyes widened and her breath seemed to catch, she looked up at Remus with her red puffy eyes and suddenly every tear came pouring out of her. Remus moved just a little closer and placed his hand on her shoulder.

‘I want you to know that I haven’t asked him anything, I told him that if you would like me to know then you will tell me in your own time, but I’ll not pressure you.’ Remus continued, unsure of what exactly she needed. 

They continued to sit for a while in almost silence, Rosaline went back to her book and Remus kept her company while she read quietly. He couldn’t be sure of what was going through her head, or even if there was anything she would ever say out loud, but maybe that was okay, if she could tolerate him keeping her company for a long time, then maybe she would eventually come around.

Rosaline continued to shiver against the cold and Remus automatically draped his cloak around her shaking body. He desperately wanted to take her to see the view he’d spoken about, he thought it would be good for her to get away from the castle for an afternoon. Perhaps in the New Year she would like that.

Remus noticed that she hadn’t been to Hogsmeade in the time he’d been teaching at Hogwarts and he wondered vaguely why that was.

‘I don’t know, professor.’ Oliver Wood seemed to be at a genuine loss. ‘I think I invited her a couple of times, but she was busy, so I just left it.’

‘I see.’ Remus nodded and leaned back against his desk. Every other student had cleared out of the classroom and his fourth years were about to enter. ‘Maybe you could try again?’

‘Sure, but I don’t think she likes Hogsmeade very much.’

‘What makes you say that?’ Remus frowned.

‘I don’t know, she just never seems that interested in it, goes up to her room whenever we talk about it.’

‘Okay.’ Remus was satisfied he’d gotten all the information he could from the young man and didn’t bother keeping him any longer. 

He decided to head into Hogsmeade during the evening to get her a Christmas present, something that might cheer her up a little over the period. Honeydukes was always a good place to start and without either of them knowing what she liked, Remus decided to get a few different types. The plain with honey chunks was always his favoured because of its sweet intensity and he hoped she would enjoy it as well. He debated getting something from the three broomsticks as well, but that may not have been appropriate given his position as her teacher.

Over the few days leading up to the Christmas holidays, he hadn’t seen much of Rosaline and in fact she didn’t seem to make it to any of his classes. He asked Madame Pomfrey if he’d seen her but neither her nor the other teachers seemed to know anything about where she was. Remus was beginning to worry that something had happened to her, when quite by chance he saw the heel of a red converse heading up the stairs to the astronomy tower. 

The students had already left, at least the ones who were heading home for Christmas and the ones who stayed were in the Great Hall enjoying dinner. Remus momentarily thought about heading down and forgetting about the astronomy tower, but if it was Rosaline, she may have been doing something she shouldn’t have. 

Remus carefully wandered up the spiral stairs to the very top of the tower, for a moment he didn’t see anything, but he could hear the sound of someone crying near the edge. He moved around to see Rosaline sitting staring out at the snowfall and the darkening grounds, she was leaning against the wooden frame and the tears were pouring out hot and fast. 

Remus didn’t hesitate in sitting beside her and gently placing his hand on her shoulder. To his great surprise, she cried even harder, leaning into his chest, holding her hands close to hers, like she was hiding something. Remus could feel how cold she was in just her thin maroon jumper, more than usual and he purposely brought her closer to his body, hoping that she would warm up soon enough.

‘I’m so sorry.’ She whispered through her tears.

‘For what?’ Remus carefully stroked her soft hair, trying to comfort her as best he could.

‘I just wanted it to stop,’ she said and Remus could feel his heart about to drop. ‘Just for a while. I tried not to, I really tried. Please believe me.’

‘Rosaline, show me your hands.’ Remus asked her gently. 

She held her hands tighter to her chest and as carefully as he could, Remus slid his much warmer hand over hers, prying it away from her chest. He didn’t need to pull them very far before he saw the blood staining the maroon material. It was obvious that Rosaline had tried to stop the bleeding herself, she wrapped bandages around her wrists and down her forearms, but the cuts were so deep that it hardly made a difference. 

Remus took a deep breath and wrapped both his hands around her body, giving her a moment. ‘Rosaline, we need to go to the hospital wing and get those bandages changed, they’ll get infected otherwise.’ Remus said and dragged his fingers through her hair, just trying to soothe her a little.

‘You aren’t angry?’ She sniffed.

‘Why would I be angry?’

‘Madame Pomfrey will be.’ 

‘Well, how about I stay with you and then she can’t be too upset?’ Remus offered, he could tell by her silence that it was a much more agreeable suggestion. ‘Maybe once they’re changed, you’d accompany me to the kitchens and we can get some dinner?’

Again, Rosaline said nothing and Remus took her silence as agreement. He allowed her a moment to collect herself before making a move to get up. Remus kept her close all the way down the spiral staircase, making sure that she didn’t lose her balance or lose her nerve as they made their way to the hospital wing. 

Remus got Pomfrey’s attention as he guided Rosaline up onto a bed and helped her get comfortable, before having a quiet word with the matron.

‘Poppy, I’m asking you to say nothing untoward,’ Remus started and Pomfrey looked momentarily taken back. ‘She just needs the bandages changed, we’re going to get her some dinner and if she wants to talk about it, she can do it on her own terms. We need to treat this with no small amount of delicacy.’

Pomfrey took a breath, she clearly knew what Remus was referring to and nodded, heading back to her office to collect what she needed, while Remus went to sit beside Rosaline who was crying again. She was curled into herself and her bloodshot eyes were unfocussed and distant. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus said, quietly and moved some of her thick, brown hair away from her face. She seemed to be able to focus on him a little more, but was still reluctant to make eye contact. ‘I promise, no one is angry at you, but I am now very worried for you. Of course, I would never dream of forcing you to talk about anything to anyone, but I want you to understand that I am here if you feel you need any help.’

Her green eyes flickered towards his for a moment, before she eventually closed them and took a deep breath.

‘I’m sorry.’ She breathed.

‘Rosaline, there’s no need to apologise.’ Remus assured her. ‘I just want you to be okay.’ 

Pomfrey came back and silently went about cleaning up the wounds and changing the bandages. Rosaline didn’t say anything, but on occasion would look to Remus for some reassurance which he would immediately give in the form of a half smile.

Finally, it was finished and Pomfrey gave Remus a warning look as she tidied away her equipment, she came back with a potion that Rosaline didn’t question, she just downed it in one and handed back the empty goblet. Remus knew immediately that she had done this more than once before.

‘I’ll be back in a moment Rosaline.’ Remus said and followed Pomfrey into her office. ‘Poppy-‘

‘I don’t know what you think you’re playing at Remus, but that girl has some serious problems.’ The matron was furious, probably more for the way Remus had spoken to her and the fact that she couldn’t find a way to help Rosaline on her own, and a lot less for the fact that Rosaline had hurt herself.

‘I’m trying to help her Poppy.’ Remus reasoned.

‘And you think by not acknowledging that she’s very sick is the way to do that?’

‘Poppy, she knows exactly what going on,’ Remus needed Pomfrey onside, she wouldn’t help if she was against him. ‘She understands that she is in pain and that its not a normal thing to feel all the time, but she has no outlet for that pain and this is the result. You remember what I was like when I here, I wasn’t much better. The difference was that I had friends who were understanding and never pushed me into anything I really didn’t want to do, Rosaline doesn’t have that, all she has is teachers who push her into turning up to class, playing Quidditch and talking about her past, and the more you push someone the less likely they are to find happiness in any of those things.’ Remus took a breath. ‘You were never angry with me when I hurt myself.’

‘That was different Remus-‘

‘It wasn’t, trust me, it really wasn’t. How do you normally deal with this?’

Pomfrey sighed, she really wasn’t keen on Remus’s plan, whatever it was, but it seemed like the only thing left to try. ‘We normally keep her over night to monitor her condition, give her regular pepper up potions and try to get to the bottom of why she thought this was a good idea.’

Remus nodded and thought about it for a moment. ‘I’d like to try something different, I don’t think she should be kept here overnight.’

‘Remus I-‘

‘One of things she will be feeling right now is guilt and that is closely followed by shame.’ Remus explained, he knew from experience. ‘But unfortunately, she won’t attribute those things to the act of hurting herself, she’ll attribute them to why she did it. We need to make her feel like those things aren’t shameful, but things she can be open and honest about and in order to do that she needs to feel like we’re supporting her, not scolding her.’ 

Once he’d finished his explanation, Pomfrey just looked at him and eventually nodded, agreeing that there was nothing more she could do from her position. It was time for someone else to take over. 

Remus gave her a quick nod and headed back to Rosaline’s bed to see how she was doing.

‘How about some dinner?’ Remus tried to take a slightly more cheerful tone, much to Rosaline’s confusion as she pulled down the sleeves of her jumper to cover the fresh bandages.

He led her down to the kitchens, aware that the night was rolling on and the students and teachers were beginning to leave the Great Hall to go to bed. Remus didn’t pressure her into anything, he simply sat down at the large wooden table and waited for her to join him. He sipped his pumpkin juice and watched her for a moment.

Rosaline sat with some difficulty, she was rigid and in pain from where she had cut herself. Remus decided it was time she knew she wasn’t alone.

‘I want to show you something.’ Remus said, carefully taking his jacket off and beginning to roll the sleeves of his own shirt up. ‘When I was fifteen, I was in terrible pain,’ he started and it caught Rosaline’s attention. ‘It was unbearable and I believed, just before I left to get the train back to Hogwarts for my fifth year of school, that there was only one way to make it stop. When I was twenty-one, the war ended and I lost every one of my friends, either killed by Voldemort himself or by one of his Death Eaters, some of the people I called friends who had survived… they turned out to be traitors. I had nothing and I felt that pain again.’ Remus showed Rosaline his forearms and three faded scars sat on his wrist. ‘They’re difficult to see now, but I can assure you, I understand your position, if not completely, at least better than you think.’

He watched her eyes focus on the light scars and he could tell she wanted to touch them, but he wasn’t sure how comfortable he was with that. Instead she just observed them and waited for him to either say something else, or tried to think of something to say.

‘How did you stop the pain?’ Her voice was so quiet, Remus was only partially sure that she even spoke. 

‘Well,’ Remus took a breath and thought best how to explain without revealing anything. ‘I suppose I didn’t, I just learnt to live with it as best I can.’ Her eyes snapped up to his, a glimmer of something he’d not seen before. Hope. ‘Rosaline, I want to help you, but I can’t if you don’t talk to me. I’m not going to force you to say anything, but I would like you to consider coming to me if you feel like this will happen again.’ Her green eyes began to fill with water. ‘Do you think that’s something you can do?’

It took her a lot longer than Remus was comfortable with, but eventually she nodded. They ate in silence for a while and Remus noticed that Rosaline was picking at her food, eating a miniscule amount and far less than Remus was happy with. He went over to one of the many cupboards in the kitchen and found a large chocolate bar, he broke it up into pieces and laid it out between them on the table.

‘Living with pain,’ Remus started. ‘It’s never an easy thing, most days you’ll feel like giving up is your only option, but the thing that I’ve found helps the most is the simple joys life has to offer.’

‘Like chocolate?’ She asked, placing a small piece on her tongue.

‘Like chocolate.’ Remus chuckled. ‘Like friends, like the simple pleasure of spending time with someone who cares about you.’ 

Rosaline frowned at Remus for a moment, before the realisation hit.

‘Rosaline, I very much care for you,’ Remus reassured her. ‘I realise that it’s not something you’re used to, but you need to know that you are valued and you deserve to be loved the same as everyone else.’ Tears began falling down her cheeks, silently and motionless. ‘Please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You deserve more than what you have right now.’ 

They devoured most of the chocolate between them and Remus was glad that she had something else in her stomach, even if it wasn’t exactly substantial. He was reluctant to let her go back to her dormitory so soon and instead invited her to his office for tea. Remus put some music on so that if she didn’t feel like talking, there wouldn’t be silence. He was aware of how delicate she might have felt and how she may not have even wanted to be sitting with him, but he needed to be sure that she wouldn’t do anything else to hurt herself that night. 

‘My father has agreed to come to the castle in a few days,’ Remus handed her a cup of tea and sat back in his own warm chair. ‘It was the soonest he could make it with his work commitments, I hope that’s alright.’

Rosaline just watched him for a moment. ‘Thank you.’ She whispered.

‘It’s no problem at all, I’m sure he has a few answers for you about what happened to your mother.’ Remus nodded, giving another half smile. ‘But I don’t want you going into the conversation with false expectations. I’m afraid this is a subject my father has never spoken of and I am worried for the reasoning behind that. I only ask that you have patience and do not expect him to have all the answers for you, he may not even be able to answer all of your questions, but possibly his answers will lead you to others.’

Rosaline nodded, she still looked miserable and confused at Remus’s kindness which broke his heart. ‘Will you be there?’

‘Not unless you want me to.’ Remus shook his head. ‘It’s your choice.’

She shook her head and Remus nodded in understanding.

‘That’s fine.’ Remus sipped his tea and watched her for a moment. ‘Is there anything you’d like to say just now? Anything at all?’ Rosaline shook her head again. ‘Okay,’ Remus put his tea down and sighed as he leaned forward on his knees. ‘I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask why you did what you did… I’m not expecting a detailed answer, I just need to know if it’s something we can fix?’

‘It isn’t.’ She said it with the same venom as she often used when talking about her problems. 

‘Okay.’ Remus nodded. ‘Rosaline, I need you to give me some kind of reassurance that you’ll be okay tonight.’

She was silent and Remus took another deep breath, running out of ideas. He waited for a while and watched her quietly, hoping she would give him something.

‘Okay,’ Remus tried a different approach. ‘We don’t need to talk about anything, but I will say this… I don’t think you were trying to end your life tonight, not really.’ Her eyes snapped up to his, there was something of fear sitting behind them where he thought there would be anger. ‘I’m not suggesting you were doing it for attention, but I do think you’ve become conflicted in recent months… possibly by someone who has recently expressed how much they care for you?’

Her bright green eyes began to fill with water once more.

‘Believe it or not, this is a good thing, Rosaline.’ Remus said gently. ‘It means that you’re starting to feel hopeful for the future… I told you that the simple things in life are some of the easiest things to find that hope in and I want to help you find your faith in life again, if you would allow me?’

‘I don’t understand.’

Remus smiled and deflated somewhat. ‘Rosaline, you are a human being that deserves to be happy, to get the answers you need and to be free from the pain you feel. I’ve seen you smile, its wonderful and I want to help you smile again, to find reasons to smile and feel happy again.’

Rosaline sat for a moment unsure of what to do with the information Remus had just provided her with, he was patient and sat back in his chair waiting for her to express something that let him know she was as close to okay as she could be.

‘I like the music.’ Rosaline almost looked mortified that she’d said it out loud.

‘The music?’ Remus found himself a little excited by finding out something she enjoyed. ‘This is Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds, he’s a muggle musician and a little… well, I think he’s an acquired taste.’ It seemed to catch her attention a little. ‘What kind of music do you like?’

There was a short moment of panic behind her eyes and he was sure it was because she didn’t have an answer, she was scrambling to find something to say.

‘This is the most recent album, released last year,’ Remus stood up and went over to his record collection. ‘It’s called Henry’s Dream.’ He hadn’t even realised that Rosaline had stood up with him and was curious about his collection. She examined the large collection, a few records catching her eye and a few she just skipped over. Remus flicked through to his Nick Cave albums. ‘My mother used to ridicule me for organising my music alphabetically by first name instead of last. Here we are.’ He pulled out seven in total and was actually very proud of his records. ‘This was the first album, From Her To Eternity. It was the first music I really enjoyed after the war, it was a nice distraction.’ 

Remus carefully removed Henry’s Dream from the record player and replaced it with From Her To Eternity. He hoped that it would give Rosaline some kind of distraction the same way it distracted him from how much he missed his friends after the war. It looked like it was doing the trick, she focused on the needle and allowed the music to fill her up for a while.

He didn’t force her to do anything, he didn’t even really want her to leave his office, not while she was enjoying herself, but it was getting late and he was satisfied that the night would be a safe one. 

‘Why don’t you hold onto this one over Christmas?’ Remus said once the album was finished, he slid it back into the record holder. ‘Maybe play it when you’re feeling down or when you don’t feel like talking.’ 

Rosaline almost couldn’t believe that Remus was just handing over one of his albums to her, she tentatively took it and the twitch of a smile appeared which ultimately satisfied Remus enough that he walked her back to Gryffindor Tower. He tried to keep her distracted from any pain she might have been feeling by talking more about music he enjoyed and suggesting a few artists similar to Nick Cave that she might have liked.

As much as his heart had broken for her, Remus felt that a little progress had been made with Rosaline Carter.


	5. Hogsmeade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So in the last chapter, if you skipped over it, Remus discovered Rosaline at the top of the astronomy tower crying; he sat with her for a while, before taking her to the hospital wing - making sure Pomfrey didn't make the situation any worse by scolding her - he then took her to the kitchens and showed her his own scars, to prove that it is possible to regain faith in life.
> 
> Remus spent the evening with her, not forcing her to talk, but also being slightly conflicted over his responsibility as a teacher to make sure she would be okay that night. They found a mutual love for music, in particular Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and Remus lent her his album From Her To Eternity.

‘This is troubling news.’ Dumbledore nodded, Remus had gone to see him the morning before his father would arrive. ‘Her attempts to end her life cannot be ignored.’

‘No, but I think the approach you have been taking in the past needs to be reassessed.’ Remus cut in, trying to get his ideas across to the Headmaster before he suggested anything. ‘It’s no secret to say she is suffering constant physical and emotional pain, something she still has yet to give me any real information about other than that relating to my father-‘

‘Your father?’

‘It’s a long story and one I will keep to myself until Rosaline gives her consent to share it with anyone else.’ Remus put that part of the conversation to bed. ‘I want to try something a bit different with her now. It’s clear that she doesn’t have any real friends, extraordinary talent on the Quidditch pitch has earned her the respect of most of her house, Oliver Wood seems perfectly capable of getting along with her in class, but that seems to be all her relationships extend to. I asked her to come to me if she feels like things are getting a bit much and she agreed.’ Remus leaned forward a little. ‘Albus, I don’t think she was trying to end her life that night.’

‘You don’t?’

‘I think she was conflicted, I think in the past when she has felt that pain, the only thing she could think to do was to put an end to it, but I saw the cuts, they weren’t deep enough and I believe she had doubts.’ Remus suddenly felt his heart catching in his throat, this was a young woman’s life they were talking about and suddenly the stakes seemed that much higher. ‘I gave her one of my old records to listen to, she seemed to enjoy it.’

‘It seems you’re becoming close, Remus.’

‘I wouldn’t say that, but by all accounts, it seems I am the only person she is willing to speak more than a few words to.’ Remus rubbed his temples and thought for a moment. ‘She doesn’t go to Hogsmeade with the other students or spend much time with anyone outside of class.’

‘No, I’m afraid she was not given permission to go to Hogsmeade in third year,’ Dumbledore confirmed. ‘And she often finds solitude more enjoyable than conversation.’

‘Wait, wait, you’re telling me she’s never left the castle on weekends?’

‘That’s correct.’

‘Well no wonder she feels so trapped!’ Remus half laughed. ‘Dumbledore, you can’t expect her to feel any kind of release if all she does is sit in the castle and think about how much pain she’s in.’

‘What are you suggesting? I cannot give her permission to leave and given her current state, we have no guarantees that she will not be a danger to herself if left alone.’

Remus thought quickly and suddenly the words just came pouring out. ‘I’ll take her.’ He said and Dumbledore hardly looked surprised. ‘I’ll take her to Hogsmeade myself, my father will be coming tomorrow, we can meet at the Three Broomsticks.’ The Headmaster didn’t seem so convinced by this plan. ‘It will at least give her something to look forward to and Merlin knows she needs that now more than ever.’

It took a long time for Dumbledore to agree, but he did eventually and Remus was ecstatic to tell Rosaline the good news. He would need to write to his father immediately to tell him the change in plan, but he was excited nonetheless.

Remus could tell she was nervous, he could tell from how slowly she walked through the snow and how heavily she breathed. He had done his best to keep her calm and that morning on Christmas Eve, he’d taken her to get fresh bandages for her arms and asked if she’d been listening to the record. To his great delight, she’d played it all through the night and knew all the words to the songs. It wasn’t quite the beaming smile he’d once seen her have, but Rosaline smiled when she talked about music and Remus had seen it as an opportunity to help her connect to something positive.

Rosaline had taken his advice and worn a dark grey coat, it almost looked new, but she had claimed to have owned it for nearly two years. The statement put an ache in his heart. She took her time buttoning it up just before they descended the stairs of the castle. 

Remus had asked her about what she would be doing the following day and Rosaline immediately went quiet. He contemplated inviting her to spend some time with him, but thought it best to wait until the conversation with his father was finished and see what kind of headspace she was in.

They approached the carriage that would take them to Hogsmeade, it was the only one and was only there because Dumbledore had made special arrangements for them. Rosaline walked past the door that Remus held open for her and went straight to the Thestrals pulling the carriage. Remus watched the large creature lower it’s head in greeting and Rosaline grazed her hand over it’s long neck a few times. It was a new side of the young woman that Remus was curious about, she didn’t seem to show much consideration for others, preferring to stay away from people, but this looked like something different, this was real kindness, the kind that proves all hope was not lost.

Rosaline eventually smiled at the Thestrals and wandered back towards the door Remus was still holding, she mumbled a thanks and stepped inside the carriage. 

‘How are you feeling?’ Remus asked, they’d been moving for a few minutes and Rosaline had said nothing. 

‘I don’t know.’ She shook her head, hoping that would put an end to his inquiries. 

‘Well, I can tell you that my father is very nervous,’ he tried to make her smile. ‘I think he’s worried about disappointing you.’ There was that frown again. ‘My father is a very caring and kind man, he saved you eleven years ago and I know that not a single day goes by where he wouldn’t do it all over again, maybe more so once he gets to know you and sees what a wonderful woman you have become.’

Her green eyes snapped up to his and stared a hole into him. It seemed to be her way of checking that someone was telling the truth and Remus hoped she could see his honesty.

‘Have you thought about some of the questions you’d like to ask him?’ Remus tried a new approach, they still had time before they reached the village and he was determined to use the time to prepare Rosaline for a meeting that may well have changed her entire life.

She nodded and went to speak, but what came out was the last thing he expected. ‘I want you to be there… I’m scared.’ Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears, but she refused to let them go.

‘It’s only natural,’ Remus moved to sit beside her in hopes that it would provide some form of comfort. ‘But just remember that no matter how scared you are now, or how worried any of the answers make you, things will get easier once you know. You can start to find closure on what happened, you can start to move forward and you will have another person who will be happy for you to confide things in.’ That made her frown in questioning. ‘I told you I am a very good secret keeper.’ Remus winked playfully and he was glad to see it made her smile a little. ‘That’s more like it, it’ll be nice to see that smile of yours from time to time.’

They sat quietly for the rest of the ride to Hogsmeade, Rosaline had begun shivering again and Remus automatically put his arm around her to keep her warm for a while. Even though she wasn’t speaking much, Remus was happier that Rosaline was more settled than before, her breathing had evened out and she now seemed more eager to meet with his father. 

Lyall wouldn’t be arriving for another hour as Remus had planned and so the opportunity was too perfect not to take Rosaline for a quick tour of the village she’d only ever heard about. He showed her all the main attractions such as where the Three Broomsticks was, Honeydukes, which she was astounded and a little overwhelmed by, Zonko’s which she was a little disappointed in the lack of imagination of some of its wares, the post office, Tomes and Scrolls, Spintwitches Sporting Needs among other standard shops in the village. The one she seemed a little more interested in was Dervish and Banges which was mostly a repair shop for complex magical instruments such as sneakoscopes. 

The last place Remus decided to go was Dominic Maestro’s Music Shop. He led Rosaline inside where music was filling the entirety of the shop and made her immediately smile when she saw the large collection of records in the middle of the shop. The walls were lined with all sorts of instruments and on the lower shelves were record players, each more unique than the last. 

Rosaline couldn’t stop her smile when she looked through the collections of records, Remus could she appreciated the artwork and one stood out to her as being particularly beautiful. It was completely black with a triangle in the middle and light passing through one side and reflecting as a rainbow on the other. She seemed a little hypnotised by the simplicity of it.

‘Remus!’ A voice called Remus’s name through the small crowd of people doing last minute Christmas shopping. ‘Remus Lupin, it is you!’ The man himself came forward, Dominic Maestro. Remus always had a soft spot for the now aging man, he loved music so intensely and it only made Remus’s Hogsmeade trips that much more enjoyable when he was a student. ‘How are you?’ Dominic shook his hand and Remus felt the familiar callouses of a man who worked with his hands. His pale blue eyes were a little more bloodshot than he remembered from school and his dark hair was now greying in places, but his bright and cheerful smile confirmed it was the same man. 

‘I’m very well Dominic,’ Remus smiled back with just as much joy. ‘How’s business?’

‘Booming as usual.’ Dominic laughed. ‘I can’t remember the last time I saw your face, must have been just before you graduated?’

‘Sounds about right.’ Remus honestly couldn’t remember.

‘Well, what brings you back now? Looking for something new, I’ve just gotten some new material in that you’ll love.’ Dominic was about to guide Remus to his back office as he so often had when he was in school.

‘Actually, I’m teaching up at the school now,’ Remus stopped him. ‘Dark Arts. I’m here with the young woman over there currently absorbed in what looks to be a Pink Floyd album.’ Dominic frowned curiously. ‘Her name is Rosaline Carter and she’s an extraordinary witch, hugely talented on the Quidditch pitch as a chaser for Gryffindor and very much one to keep an eye on for the future.’

‘Really? And why exactly is a teacher accompanying her? Troublemaker like yourself?’ Dominic laughed, but Remus only half smiled.

‘Not a troublemaker, just troubled.’ Remus said gravely and Dominic immediately looked back at the brown haired witch with the curious green eyes. ‘I’ve recently discovered her enjoyment of music, something I’m sure she would appreciate a little guidance and expansion on. It seems to be a good distraction for her, Dominic.’

‘Music usually is.’ Dominic nodded and thought for a while. ‘Troubled you say? Maybe she would like to look at the new stuff as well. Why don’t you bring her to the back office? I’m sure I’ve got a few things to get her started. What’s she listening to at the moment?’

‘At the moment, she’s taken a liking to my Nick Cave albums and she seemed to enjoy the last Smiths album I played her.’ Remus tried to remember any other music he played when he’d seen her smile. 

‘Nick Cave and The Smiths, eh? I’m sure I can put together a few things she might like.’ Dominic smiled and gave Remus a pat on the shoulder before heading into his back room.

Remus carefully manoeuvred himself over to where Rosaline was sliding the album back into the box where it came from.

‘Anything caught your eye, Rosaline?’ Remus smiled at her. ‘Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd.’ He pretended to just notice the album she was holding. ‘Great album and it only gets better with age.’ Remus gently took it from her to look through the track list on the back and smiled idly to himself. ‘I used to come here all the time when I was at Hogwarts, became very good friends with Dominic Maestro and to this day he’s always ready to recommend things he thinks I’ll like. He enjoys meeting new people interested in music. What do you say to making a new friend?’ Remus glanced up at Rosaline who was just staring up at him, unsure of what to say? He just chuckled, tucking the Pink Floyd album under his arm and guiding her towards Dominic’s familiar back room. 

He had a huge gramophone that took up most of his office and as usual, broken instruments that he was repairing were scattered all around the room as well as a few albums Remus recognised and more that he didn’t. The man himself was bent over a small red record box which had gold edges and the Gryffindor crest printed on the front. 

‘Dominic,’ Remus caught his attention. ‘I’d like you to meet Miss Rosaline Carter, Rosaline, this is Mr Dominic Maestro, the owner of this fine establishment.’

‘A pleasure to meet you Rosaline,’ Dominic held out his hand for her to shake and Rosaline tentatively took it. ‘Remus tells me you’ve been listening to Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds?’ Rosaline nodded and Dominic gestured for her to take a seat while he finished finding the last couple of albums he was searching for. ‘Which album are you enjoying at the moment?’

‘From Her to Eternity.’ Rosaline said, curiously watching the musician dart around his office. 

‘Oh brilliant! Fantastic album, have you heard the latest one, Henry’s Dream?’ He asked, becoming progressively more excited which only seemed to spike Rosaline’s curiosity. Remus just leaned against a desk in the corner so that Rosaline had the space to discover Dominic on her own. 

‘Yeah… yeah, I think so.’ Rosaline nodded.

‘And what did you think?’ Dominic encouraged. Remus watched him slip in the Pixies Bossanova, it seemed like a wild card, but then he’d always trusted Dominic’s judgement on music so he didn’t question it.

‘Erm…’ Rosaline struggled to find the words. ‘It was good… I liked it… a lot.’

‘A woman of few words, I like that.’ Dominic laughed and it made Rosaline light up pink and smile. ‘Now, Remus you’ve got the last one?’ Remus handed over the Pink Floyd album and Dominic put it in with the collection before bringing it over to the small table where Rosaline was sitting. ‘Here we are, we’ve got Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, of course, this album, The Firstborn Is Dead, came out in 1985 and is a great follow up to From Her To Eternity, I’d definitely recommend listening to this straight after the first album. This one is Tom Waits, Swordfishtrombones released in 1983 and is considered the first in his trilogy, it’s an excellent change of pace from what he’s released before this.’ Dominic gave a brief description of ten albums in total, but the box looked like it would hold around twenty records. 

Remus missed listening to him talk about music, he was an incredibly passionate man and with any luck, Rosaline would become infected with some of the same passion. Time was moving on and they still needed to head to the Three Broomsticks before his father arrived. 

‘And that’s it,’ Dominic finished and much to Remus’s delight, Rosaline was smiling. ‘Like I said, there’s a few wild cards in there and if you don’t like them, feel free to bring them back and we can swap them out for something else, but in the meantime, Merry Christmas and I hope you will accept this small gift from me.’

Rosaline’s face dropped a little. ‘Wait, you… you’re giving these to me?’

‘Of course!’ Dominic chuckled. ‘I want to hear the woman of few words give a few of them to music, if you could spare the time to come back?’

She seemed at such a loss. ‘But… why?’

Dominic didn’t laugh, but he did smile gently at Rosaline. He seemed to understand her a little better from just a simple question. ‘Because, from what I’ve heard you are going to be something extraordinary, and every extraordinary life deserves an epic soundtrack, one that tells you everything you need to know about that person, makes you feel those moments that were precious to them and makes you understand them in a whole new way. Music fills us with so much joy and sadness and love and anger and passion and every other feeling you can imagine, it has power that rivals magic. I want to give you the gift of that power, maybe you could use it to find out a little more about yourself?’

Remus could see that she was on the brink of tears, but unlike any other time she had cried, these were tears of happiness and he was more than happy to let her cry them for a while. Rosaline was excited by the gift from Dominic and by the time they left the shop, she was already eager to go back to the castle to listen to the new music he’d given her. 

‘He’s so nice.’ She said as they walked towards the Three Broomsticks, Remus had insisted on carrying the record holder as it was a little icy and he didn’t want her to slip.

‘Dominic’s always been like that, he’d talk for hours about whatever new band he’d discovered that week, but he loves introducing people to new music more than anything in the world.’ Remus smiled, remembering all the times he’d gone specifically to Dominic’s shop to cheer himself up. 

They finally arrived at the Three Broomsticks and suddenly Rosaline’s courage was beginning to fail her, she slowed down and began breathing a little heavier again. Remus guided her to a booth out of the way of the chattering people and made sure she was settled before heading to the bar to get her a drink. 

‘Who’s that you got with you, Remus?’ Rosmerta asked curiously as she poured the two butterbeers.

‘That’s Rosaline Carter, she’s one of my seventh years.’

‘A student? I’ve not seen her before.’

‘Actually, this is her first time in Hogsmeade, she’s enjoyed it so far.’ Remus could feel his own tone eluding to something unsaid. 

‘Wait a minute, did you say Carter?’ Rosmerta’s interest was suddenly piqued. Remus nodded. ‘She’s not Maggie’s daughter, is she?’ Rosmerta lowered head and mouthed the last question. ‘The spy?’

‘The very same.’ Remus confirmed, Rosmerta knew everything, she obviously would know about Margaret Carter and her involvement in the war, Remus was pretty sure Dumbledore had said something about certain people needing to know due to the possibility of arising circumstances.

‘I heard a lot of things about that woman, very brave. I didn’t realise her daughter survived the attack.’

‘The attack?’ Remus suddenly questioned.

‘Yeah, didn’t you know? Her mother died about ten or so years ago, but no one knows who killed her, they say her daughter was the only witness and no one heard what happened to her after that. I suppose Dumbledore must have found her and done what he always does with secrets. Keep them.’ 

Remus was a little relieved that Rosmerta had little more information than anyone else, but slightly annoyed that she was so willing to blurt it out to anyone who asked.

Rosaline was fidgeting with the sleeves of her cream jumper when he came back and he knew why.

‘Still nervous?’ He asked, trying to keep his mood up for her sake. Rosaline nodded. ‘That’s alright, my father shouldn’t be too much longer and you still have time to decide whether you want me to stay with you-‘

‘Don’t leave me.’ She suddenly said. ‘Please.’

‘Alright.’ Remus said calmly. ‘Alright I won’t leave. But you can stop any time you like if you feel as though it’s too much. I promise, I won’t let you go through this alone.’ 

They waited only a few minutes before the door to the pub opened and Lyall Lupin came wandering through it. It was clear he was just as nervous as Rosaline, because he took more time than necessary brushing the fresh snowfall from his old brown flat cap and brown travelling cloak, Remus was, however, glad to see his father opted for a navy suit jacket instead of the brown one with the red pocket. 

‘I’ll be one moment.’ Remus told Rosaline and went to greet his father. 

‘Oh, Remus, sorry I’m late.’ He said, carefully removing his cloak. ‘Snow was a little heavier than I expected.’

‘That’s okay, we’ve not been waiting long.’ Remus took his father’s cloak caught Rosmerta’s eye, she immediately went to pour another butterbeer. ‘She’s nervous, but she’s had a good morning so I’m afraid this will be as good as it gets.’

‘I understand.’ Lyall nodded and they arrived back at the booth.

‘Rosaline,’ Remus gently got her attention, she stood up immediately, not quite knowing what to do with herself. ‘This is my father Lyall Lupin, father, this is Rosaline Carter.’

‘Pleased to meet you, Miss Carter.’ 

‘Rosaline,’ she said suddenly, her cheeks turning slightly pink. ‘Just Rosaline is fine.’ They shook hands and Remus could already feel the discomfort. 

He decided to sit on the same side as Rosaline so that she might feel comforted in some way, but he was already seeing the rigidity forming in her body again. Rosmerta came over to place down a third butterbeer for Lyall and Remus knew she couldn’t just leave them alone without saying anything.

‘There we are Mr Lupin,’ she said in her cheery, welcoming tone. ‘Wonderful son you have here and just as handsome as his father.’

‘Oh, Rosmerta, he gets his looks from his mother, I’m afraid.’ Lyall was nothing if not a polite conversationalist. Remus just rolled his eyes and glanced at Rosaline who, to his surprise, was enjoying the spectacle. 

A few more embarrassing exchanges on Remus’s looks and Rosmerta wandered away to serve other customers, Lyall sipped his beer and smiled. 

‘She’s right, you know Remus, you have grown into a fine man, your mother would be proud.’ He said fondly. ‘You know, he used to be a scrawny boy,’ he told Rosaline, she was somehow intrigued to listen to the story. ‘Always tall mind you, shy and quiet, but I always told his mother, once he came out of his shell, he’d be fighting off women left, right and centre.’ 

Rosaline half laughed and though it mortified Remus that his father thought it appropriate to speak in this way to one of his students, he didn’t say anything to stop it, knowing how rare it was for Rosaline to smile. 

‘They always say that men grow up to look like their fathers and women grow up to look like their mothers,’ Lyall carried on. ‘I’d say from the evidence presented, one of those is definitely true.’ Rosaline heart dropped, Remus could see it on her face and braced himself for the hard part of the conversation. ‘You look so like your mother, younger obviously, but so like her.’

‘Did…’ Rosaline started, unsure of the question. ‘Did you know her well?’

‘Not well.’ Lyall shook his head remembering Margaret. ‘But then again, during the war, as my son will tell you, you never really knew anyone well, just well enough to do your job and make it home safely.’ Lyall sighed. ‘I knew that she was brave to do what she did, that she was well liked by her friends and people she met took an instant like to her… I knew that she loved you with all her heart… I suppose those were the only things that seemed to matter at the time.’

Rosaline opened her mouth to ask another question, but once again her courage failed her and she closed it again, thinking on the precious few memories she probably had of her mother. 

‘Perhaps,’ Remus tried to help. ‘Father, you should start with how you came to meet Margaret?’

‘Well, yes, that seems like a good idea.’ Lyall cleared his throat and thought about where to start. ‘Your mother and I met at an Order meeting of all places, well, to be clear, I was heading into one and she was leaving the safehouse. No one was supposed to know that she was there and Dumbledore asked me to tell no one. She and another Order member were our spies in the Death Eater camp… I don’t know what you know of your mother, but she-‘

‘She was a Death Eater for years, I know.’ Rosaline interrupted. ‘She was a Slytherin and a very powerful dark witch.’

‘She was.’ Lyall shifted uncomfortably. ‘But as we know, not all Slytherins are bad, cunning and ambitious as I recall, not evil and bad.’ The tension was easily felt and they both seemed to look to Remus to release it. 

‘Rosaline, you had some questions about the night my father found you?’ Remus tried to encourage. The sooner they covered the difficult subjects, the easier everything might have been to handle for Rosaline.

‘I should say that I may not know as much as you hope I do, Rosaline.’ Lyall interrupted. 

Remus pressed him to continue and his father told them a detailed account of the night he’d written to Remus asking him to come home and see him. He missed his son and since the end of the war everyone was making amends. The other thing that was happening was traitors and possible spies were being rooted out of hiding and either killed or tortured by the remaining Death Eaters.

The only thing Lyall had heard was the screaming of a young child and by the time he found Rosaline in the middle of a field, it was too late. The attackers were long gone and the only thing they left behind was a screaming child in the cold arms of her mother. It potentially solved one mystery for Remus, Rosaline may have enjoyed the cold because it reminded her of the last time she ever saw her mother. 

Lyall described seven-year-old Rosaline as scratching at her skin as if something was crawling beneath it, any movement seemed to pain her and Lyall’s arrival only further scared her as she couldn’t be sure if he was friend or foe. He’d eventually been able to calm her enough to pry her from the arms of her mother and carry her home. She’d fallen asleep in his arms and he immediately sent and letter to Dumbledore who arrived only an hour later with Kingsley Shacklebolt. 

They’d taken Rosaline and she never saw Lyall or her mother again.

Rosaline was still for a few moments before needing to get some air. Remus stood up and let her walk out of the pub on her own for a moment. He sat back down, wondering if he should have followed her out, but deciding it was best to leave her to her solitude for a while. 

‘Remus, I am so sorry.’ Lyall was close to tears. ‘I didn’t know what else to do, Dumbledore never told me what happened to her after he came and took her away. I never asked and I should have done. I’m so sorry.’

‘No, it’s fine.’ Remus tried to reassure his father. ‘You did what anyone would have done and that’s all anybody ever asked of you. You weren’t supposed to be a part of the war, you were supposed to stay away so that I knew you were safe. Rosaline was not your responsibility.’

‘No,’ he sighed, ‘but it seems she is yours now.’

‘It seems so, yes.’ Remus nodded. ‘What do you think happened?’

Lyall pursed his lips for a moment, he’d never spoken aloud his theories about the death of Margaret Carter, but when his son asked him at such a vital moment, he felt it was time to confess. 

‘I think she was tortured.’ He said, simply. ‘I think she was chased into the middle of a field and she was tortured to death. As for her daughter… I can only imagine.’ The first tear was the most heart breaking to see fall. ‘What kind of person would do that?’

‘That is something I think Rosaline had hoped to find out in speaking to you.’ Remus confessed. ‘Though I think at least meeting the man who saved her has done some good.’

‘I do hope so.’ Lyall smiled sympathetically. ‘I hope you can help her Remus, her mother did a lot of good during the war and Rosaline was probably exposed to more than her fair share of horror. She was just a child, she deserved better.’ 

Remus nodded in agreement and decided to see if Rosaline was ready to head back up to the castle, he didn’t think his father had any more useful information for her at present and entertaining the idea may have done more harm than good. 

He walked out into the light snowfall and looked around to see the street emptying. Rosaline wasn’t anywhere nearby, he walked a little down the street towards the castle, still unable to see her. When he wandered the other way towards the Shrieking Shack, he saw the small frame of Rosaline sitting on a bench, shaking, sobbing and shivering all at once.

Remus automatically sat beside her and placed his hand gently on her shoulder, once again, he found himself holding her close to his much warmer body, crying heavily as he stroked his fingers through her soft hair. He couldn’t imagine what it was she was going through, but something about what his father had told them warranted this reaction and he wasn’t about to abandon her in her hour of need.

‘Do you want to go back to the castle?’ He asked, aware that if they sat much longer, they were risking their health, not that he thought Rosaline would care, but one of them needed to. She nodded and her stuttered breathing was all he heard. 

Remus carefully guided her into one of the carriages and made sure she was okay so that he could go back to the pub to collect their things and say goodbye to his father.

‘Is she alright?’ Lyall asked as soon as Remus came back, rubbing his cold hands together for warmth.

‘She just needs to rest for a while.’ Remus said, being deliberately vague. ‘I’m taking her back to the castle so that she can take the time to think on what you’ve told her.’

‘I see.’ Lyall nodded. ‘It’s for the best I think.’

‘For the time being yes.’ Remus picked up the record box and Rosaline’s coat, slipping into his own travelling cloak. ‘Thank you for coming, are you going to Cornwall tonight?’

‘Yes.’ Lyall stood up, placing his cap back on and preparing his cloak. ‘Will you be joining us for Christmas dinner?’

‘Possibly, I want to make sure Rosaline is alright before I make any decisions.’ 

‘You’re a good man, Remus. Your mother would have been so proud.’ 

Remus looked at his father as they stepped out into the cold winter’s evening, he smiled and embraced Lyall, again thanking him for coming. He promised he would try and visit his father soon, but made no promises, before heading into the carriage where Rosaline was simply staring into space, letting her tears run freely down her face, once again with no emotion and silently.

Rosaline didn’t say anything for the whole carriage ride back to the castle, Remus was worried that she was about to retreat back into her shell again and all progress will have been lost. She had eventually stopped crying and instead just stared into space across the other side of the carriage.

Remus was about to ask if she was okay when Rosaline suddenly spoke.

‘Do you really have to fight off women?’ She asked and when Remus looked at her, he saw what could only be described as a playful glint in her red, puffy eyes. 

Remus somehow found himself laughing hard at her question. ‘Not nearly as many as my father would have you believe.’ Remus still smiled. Hers was a little sad, but he felt like he was finally getting a glimpse into the real Rosaline Carter. ‘In fact, I don’t know the last time anyone took a second glance at me.’ 

‘There are some students who like you a bit too much.’ Her voice was still cracking and stuttering and it was the only way Remus knew she was still upset. 

‘Well, I don’t think that really counts.’ He wondered why she was suddenly so interested in him instead of what his father had told her only half an hour ago. ‘I take it you enjoyed my father’s company?’

She thought for a moment before nodding slowly. 

‘He’s a very cheerful man, always kind and always looking on the bright side of life.’

‘Like you.’

Remus bobbed his head from side to side. ‘I’d like to think I’m a positive person at least.’

Rosaline was quiet again for a long time, Remus had the impression that she was thinking very hard on something. 

‘I don’t think I want to play Quidditch anymore.’ She finally spoke as the carriage came to a stop. 

‘Really?’ Remus was surprised to hear her saying it. 

‘Maybe.’ She nodded. They hopped out of the carriage, Remus still insisted on carrying her record box for her. ‘I have to think about some things… I have questions… but I don’t know if I should ask you…. but I want to… actually I don’t know what I want.’

Remus could tell that she wasn’t used to being so overwhelmed and she wasn’t quite sure how to let out all this new energy she had.

‘Okay, okay,’ he put his hand on her shoulder to calm her down somewhat. ‘Alright, we’ll figure it out. We’ll figure something out over the holidays, I promise. Do you want to talk about what my father told you?’

Rosaline again was quiet, Remus was again watching her make a very important decision.

‘Do you think if you knew what happened, it would help?’ She stopped just inside the castle door, it was about to close behind them. Remus looked down at her questioning features, it was the first time he’d really looked at her whole face and not just her bright eyes. She was a lot prettier than Remus realised, she looked so much like her mother, the only difference was the freckles that sat on her cheeks beneath her eyes and across her nose, they made her look innocent, but the rest of her face was incredibly worn and the result was a beautiful womanly face that Remus was suddenly very taken by. 

He felt his cheeks flush with heat, it was highly inappropriate to think of her in such a capacity and Remus felt very guilty. The only saving grace was that his cheeks were already red from the cold. 

Remus sighed and thought about her question. ‘I suppose, it depends in what capacity you think I will be able to help.’ She looked momentarily disappointed and Remus worried that he’d read her question wrong. ‘Rosaline, I want to help you, I want you to be happy and have everything you deserve, but it would be selfish of me to say yes if I knew I couldn’t do anything to actually help you in your endeavours.’ She nodded and tore her gaze away from him, he felt like someone had suddenly torn his skin away and he couldn’t explain why. ‘Why don’t you take an hour to think on what you might need and then come back down for dinner with everyone else?’ The fear was back in her eyes and Remus suddenly couldn’t stand it. ‘I think it could be good for you to spend Christmas Eve with people.’

That seemed to be all he needed to say to get her to agree and suddenly a new dynamic to their relationship was revealed. She had started to put a trust in him that meant she was happy to take his suggestions and Remus knew he needed to be careful, his responsibility to her had just become more of a reality than he’d expected.

Remus walked her to the bottom of Gryffindor Tower before heading back to his office where Dumbledore had been waiting for him.

‘I presume you’re here to talk about Rosaline.’ Remus sighed, Dumbledore said nothing as Remus began taking his cloak off and warming up again after his trip back through the snow.

‘Remus, I would never pry into your relationship with Rosaline, but I wonder if she has not been completely honest with us.’ It was just like him to speak cryptically.

‘What do you mean?’ Remus began making tea and offered the headmaster a seat, which he took. Remus had always prided himself on being a kind host, despite being in conversations he’d rather not be in.

‘Has she told you anything about what happened to her that night?’

Remus took a breath and decided it was best to be honest. ‘She asked me if I thought it would help if I knew.’

‘What did you say?’

Remus handed Dumbledore a hot cup of tea and sat down with his own, still debating whether he wanted to tell the Headmaster anything.

‘I told her what I thought would benefit her the most,’ Remus stirred his tea, thinking hard. ‘I think she needs to work out how she wants to be helped and if confiding in me helps her towards that goal, then so be it, but I will not force her to say anything if she really doesn’t want to.’

Dumbledore took a moment to nod, but he seemed satisfied with the answer. They moved onto how Remus’s father was doing and the Christmas period in general, but Remus had the distinct impression that the Headmaster was just being polite having gotten the information he sought out.


	6. Maggie's Sacrafice

Remus was a little disappointed to find that Rosaline hadn’t turned up to dinner, he had hoped that she would make the effort for him after saying she would, but it didn’t really matter in the end.

Dinner was wonderful as usual and Remus was fit to burst, he was saying Merry Christmas to McGonagall and about to head back to his office to send Rosaline’s present to her room, when she came running down the stairs. 

‘I… I missed it.’ She panted. ‘I’m sorry, I just… I lost track of time.’ 

‘Rosaline, it’s no problem.’ Remus smiled. ‘Why don’t we head down to the kitchens and get you something to eat?’ He was somewhat amused by her exhaustive efforts to make it to dinner on time. 

‘Merry Christmas, professor.’ Rosaline nodded to McGonagall was who completely taken back by the whole display. 

‘Merry Christmas, Rosaline.’ She said, politely. ‘Did you enjoy your trip to Hogsmeade today?’

Without even thinking, Rosaline answered. ‘It was good.’ She nodded. ‘We went to Dominic Maestro’s music shop and I’ve been listening to some of the music he gave me.’

‘How wonderful.’ McGonagall was irrationally happy and it confused Rosaline which was Remus’s queue to usher her down to the kitchens. 

The whole place was beginning to wind down for the Christmas period, the halls were dimmed with light and the shadows were warm and cosy and unlike their usual worrying demeanour. Rosaline seemed very occupied in her mind and it was to be expected after the day she’d had.

Remus guided her to a table off to the side, she looked up at the ceiling briefly, he supposed idly wondering how all the food appeared in the Great Hall all the time, but it was the sight of her jaw that really concerned him. The bone protruded so much more than he had previously seen and it only occurred to him at that moment that missing meals was a regular thing for her. 

‘So, what have you been listening to?’ Remus asked, sitting against the wall next to him and trying to behave as casually as possible so that she might have felt normal.

‘Erm… Swordfishtrombones.’ Her voice was a little quieter than he was used to and it was a sharp contrast to the way she had spoken to McGonagall only moments ago. 

‘I take it, it’s good? It’s not an album I’m familiar with.’ Remus sipped his pumpkin juice, he really didn’t want to ingest anything else, but he didn’t want Rosaline to feel awkward eating alone. She was still only picking at her food and barely eating anything. Remus had the distinct impression it was because all the distractions were gone and the pain she felt was settling in. 

‘Yeah, it’s… soft.’ It was the only word she seemed to be able to think of.

‘Rosaline,’ Remus decided that he couldn’t allow this to go on while she was in such discomfort. ‘I can see that the discomfort is starting to settle in again,’ her eyes snapped up to his and it was full blown fear sitting behind them. ‘It’s these moments that will be the hardest to get through, but the same way music provides a distraction when you’re alone, you need to find distraction in something else… in someone else. Do you understand?’ 

She slowly nodded and he could see that while she may not have known quite what to do with the information, she was at least trying to figure it out.

‘Is that what you do?’ Rosaline suddenly asked and it put Remus in a slightly uncomfortable position.

‘Yes.’ It came out as a whisper. ‘Yes, I suppose I do.’

‘You look at me sometimes, when you think I don’t know… it’s like looking in a mirror and…’

‘It scares you.’ Remus finished her sentence, knowing exactly how she felt. Rosaline nodded, her tears threatening to reappear again. ‘Yes, it scared me too. But you know something? I never felt sorry for you, I never believed that you were any less of a person because of the way you are, I want you to really try and understand that, Rosaline.’ The first tear fell. ‘That day when we battled the boggart, I was incredibly proud of the strength you showed and I see that strength in you every day. What happened to you eleven years ago was terrible, I can see that, but the positive side to it is that it has made you into one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the privilege to meet. Your mother would be so incredibly proud of the challenges you have faced, of that, I am absolutely certain.’ 

The tears just continued to fall hot and fast and Remus decided to take a risk, he gently placed his hand over hers let his thumb stroke the unimaginably soft, cool skin. Rosaline concentrated on the movement for a while, letting it calm her down and eventually she managed to stopped crying. She used her other hand to hold her forehead as she watched the movements of his thumb.

‘Are we friends?’ She whispered.

‘I’d like to think so.’ Remus whispered back with a smile. ‘I would be honoured to be your friend Rosaline.’ Remus continued to watch her debate something internally. 

‘I’ve never had a friend before.’

Remus’s heart broke, in a way he’d known that, but hearing her say it was something he was quite ready for. 

‘Well, I would be even more honoured to be your first.’ Remus was aware of the way he worded that sentence and it sent his head into a tailspin. Something about Rosaline Carter made him want to be her first and her only, he felt his cheeks warm up slightly, but once again, the warmth of the candles around them provided him with a good cover. 

‘I heard friends don’t judge you for your flaws.’ Her whole face was beetroot.

‘Rosaline, I would never dream of judging you for anything. You are who you are and that is a wonderful person.’ Remus was sliding down a slippery slope and he knew it was dangerous. 

‘I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be more like you… happy.’

Remus’s first thought was that he wanted to make her happy, anyway he could he wanted to be the person she was happiest with, but he had the distinct impression that he already was that. 

‘Okay, well, that’s very much a possibility,’ Remus didn’t dare move his hand away from hers, it was the only thing he could see that was calming her down. ‘We just need to work out where to start and what issues need to be solved first.’

There was something in the way she was looking at his hand that had Remus knowing that something was on her mind, something more important that their current conversation.

‘I want to show you something,’ she frowned. ‘But I don’t want anyone else to know about it… I just think it’s important.’

‘Okay.’ Remus said slowly, he wasn’t sure he could keep the promise, but she was trusting him with something so maybe he should have had a little more faith. 

‘It’s in my room, will you come with me?’

‘I will, though I think I’d rather go through the fireplace in my office.’ Remus suggested and she frowned slightly. ‘I think if we were seen wandering through the Gryffindor common room and up to your dormitory together, unsavoury rumours would start to circulate the school.’ 

The realisation hit and Rosaline’s cheeks returned to the shade of red that meant she was more embarrassed than she’d ever been before.

‘Rosaline, this is clearly important to you and therefore, as your friend, it’s important to me as well.’ Remus tried to explain. ‘But there are rules that need to be observed and I don’t want to make things any harder for you to deal with.’ 

She seemed settled with his explanation and after he encouraged her to eat a little more, they ventured up to his office.

Rosaline’s room was messy, the same way it had been the last time, only this time the books were piled even higher and she mentally scolded herself when she realised how messy it was with some of them half open at front door and close to the fireplace. It was clear that the fire had never been used and Remus was a little unhappy about it, but said nothing. Rosaline quickly scooped up a few of the books, throwing them idly onto her bed and Remus caught a glimpse at a few of them. They looked incredibly advanced and Remus wondered why she would be reading them at all.

He was glad to see her record player sat beside her bed and her new record box was just next to it open. Remus was slightly unsure of himself, he knew being in a student’s room was not an appropriate thing to be doing, but Rosaline was a special case and not really like the other students.

Rosaline looked at him a little bashfully and went over to her bed, crouching low to pull out an old brown chest. He found himself tearing his gaze away from her for just a moment as her cream jumper slid up her waist just enough to reveal the pale skin covering her hips.

The chest itself looked incredibly old and had maybe a dozen locks that Rosaline took the time to open one by one. Remus was unaware of some of the spells she was using to open the chest and completely baffled as to how she would even have come across such advanced magic.

Finally it was completely unlocked and much to Remus’s surprise it appeared to be empty, but Rosaline didn’t think this was unusual in the slightest. 

‘Will you bring over the table?’ She asked and pointed to a small side table that was covered in newspapers and a few books. Remus carefully placed them on the empty wooden chair next to the fireplace, before bringing over the wooden side table. 

Rosaline reached into what looked like one of the deep pockets of the chest and brought out a silver dish. It was covered with symbols and runes that Remus recognised as belonging to that of a Pensieve.

‘Rosaline, where did you get this?’ Remus asked, as she placed the dish down onto the table carefully. It was filled with silvery, white, smoky liquid, he could see faded images floating around in the dish, some he could tell were Rosaline, others were less visible and one he recognised clearly as his father. 

‘I made it.’ 

It was Remus’s turn to snap his eyes up to hers. ‘You made it?’

‘Yeah,’ she nodded. ‘All the information is in the library, in the restricted section. Madam Pince always lets me in when I ask.’ It seemed like such a casual thing for her to say, but it simply astounded Remus that she was capable of such craft. Her interest in Dervish and Banges Repair shop in Hogsmeade now made a little more sense, she was a craftswoman. 

‘I see.’ Remus just nodded and decided if she really wanted to do this then he should be supportive. He kneeled down on the opposite side of the table and tried to remain calm. ‘This is what you wanted to show me?’

‘Sort of.’ Rosaline frowned and with the tip of her pale wand. Curiously it looked as though Rosaline owned a pine wand and what little Remus knew of wandlore, he knew that pine was best suited to those who were perceived as loners and those who could use their wands creatively. It seemed the more Remus found out about Rosaline, the more that resonated with him. 

The dish filled with what looked to be a very specific memory, one that involved her mother and Remus knew full well what memory this was. She looked up at him and Remus once again was caught off guard by how pretty she was. 

‘Are you sure you want me to see this?’ Remus asked and for a moment he thought she would change her mind, but Rosaline nodded. ‘Okay, if you’re absolutely sure.’

The world around Remus changed from the quiet of Rosaline’s room, to the loud and panicked kitchen of Rosaline’s childhood home. She was sitting in a cupboard beneath the sink, the door was open just enough that she could see flashes of bright light beyond the kitchen which in itself looked as though it had gone through some kind of struggle. Broken dishes scattered the floor as well as torn books and broken furniture. 

Suddenly the flashing light stopped, for a moment there was silence and the seven-year-old child held her head between her knees and tried to stay quiet. Remus could see she hadn’t mastered the art of crying silently just yet, but she was getting the practice in already. The door burst open and she was about to scream, but Margaret Carter pressed her finger to her red rosy lips. 

She was a disarmingly beautiful woman and someone Remus was sure he’d be unable to talk to without somehow embarrassing himself in some way. Her dark brown hair was pinned up into a bun with loose strands from where she had been fighting outside. Her eyes were a much brighter green than Rosaline’s with what looked to be a bluish circle around the pupil. Her body was slender, but strong and she was the same height as Rosaline from the present, in fact, the only thing that made the two women different was collection of delicate freckles that covered Rosaline’s cheeks. It struck Remus just how beautiful Rosaline was and how she would only get more so as the years went on.

‘Come on my darling, we need to hurry now.’ Margaret whispered and picked up her daughter, cradling her as they snuck out the back of the house, running as fast as she could. Remus could hear the shouting of the wizards chasing her as they broke into the house, Margaret panicked and tried to run even faster, all to save her daughter’s life. They ran into the empty field, one that Remus recognised from his youth. Had they really lived so close together? ‘Stay quiet Rosie, stay quiet for me, darling.’ Margaret whispered and Remus watched the frightened young girl hold her hand over her mouth as if she was well practised in staying quiet. 

‘There she is!’ One of the burly wizards shouted, they were all wearing Death Eater masks and running towards Margaret and Rosaline. ‘Don’t let her escape! The TRAITOR!’ 

‘Don’t be afraid Rosie,’ Margaret ran faster still towards the woods that Remus remembered from his childhood. ‘Just beyond the trees, that’s where safety is. You understand?’ Rosaline cried a yes and her mother risked a look back to see the Death Eaters closing in on her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to outrun them for much longer and put Rosaline down. ‘Go! I’ll find you like I always have. Be smart, have courage.’ Margaret’s eyes filled with tears as she kissed the young girl.

Rosaline was crying but she didn’t disobey her mother, she turned and ran and didn’t dare look back. Remus could tell that this was a routine they’d developed out of necessity and it only made Remus’s heart swell. He found himself following the surprisingly fast seven year old as she ran hard towards the treeline, crying and listening to the sounds of her mother battling against what had to be a dozen Death Eaters.

‘Don’t let the kid escape!’ One of the yelled and just as Rosaline had made it over half way across the field a red bolt of light shot at her body causing her to scream out in unimaginable pain. Remus instinctively put his hands over his ears, but it did nothing to block out the noise. 

‘NO!’ Margaret roared and suddenly slipped into a new gear of defence, one only a mother could find to protect their children. She managed to take down three of the Death Eaters before being stunned, sending her body flying backwards closer to where Rosaline was still writhing around, screaming. ‘Rosie!’ Margaret yelled, crawling over to her daughter as the remaining five Death Eaters slowly made their way laughing and panting over to both Margaret and her daughter. 

‘Well, well, Maggie,’ it was a female voice and one that Remus was sure he recognised, but he couldn’t quite be sure. ‘Looks like you’re done running.’ It was Alecto Carrow, which meant her brother, Amycus, had to be one of the others that were beginning to surround the Carters. 

‘Rosie, my darling.’ Margaret pleaded for her daughter to be okay, her skin was covered with cuts and bruises and Remus was sure he could see a few cursed wounds on her legs that were preventing her from standing. 

‘“Rosie, my darling!”’ One of the other Death Eaters mocked and Remus recognised that voice as belonging to Corban Yaxley, a man Remus had come to despise during the first war. He felt such rage that he didn’t finish Yaxley off when he had the chance all those years ago. 

Remus watched as Yaxley then sent the Cruciatis curse at Rosaline who was only just recovering from the first one. She screamed louder and the Death Eaters only laughed harder. Margaret found a new strength to crawl faster towards her daughter, all the while being tortured with stunners and curses of all varieties. Wounds opened up and poured blood from every part of her, but she never stopped crawling until she was curled around her daughter and whispering words of comfort.

‘Rosie, just breathe, deep breaths, my darling.’ She whispered, as yet another curse hit her back. It seemed that every time a spell hit Margaret, it affected Rosaline as well, like they were somehow feeling the same pain. ‘I love you my darling girl, my beautiful darling girl. I love you.’ It seemed to be the only words Margaret could repeat, over and over again until the Death Eaters began getting bored.

‘Well, as fun as this has been, we should leave.’ Alecto said, apparently wiping away tears of laughter from beneath her mask.

‘We should finish them off.’ Another Death Eater said, one that Remus didn’t recognise at all. 

‘Nah, they won’t survive the night.’ Yaxley leaned over the Carter’s shaking bodies. He stood up and went to leave them. ‘There’s no one around for miles.’

‘There’s a house over that way-‘

‘That’s Lyall’s place.’ Remus knew that voice all too well, it belonged to the only one of the gang of attackers who opted to wear a hood and no mask. Greyback. ‘He won’t bother coming out at night, not after what happened last time.’ Remus saw the evil grin of the man who made him into a werewolf. 

‘Rosie, my darling, just breathe, just breathe for me my love.’ Margaret sobbed into the blood soaked hair of her daughter and Rosaline did exactly as her mother asked. ‘Make no sound until they leave, be smart, have courage, Rosie. I love you, my beautiful girl, my darling Rosie.’ It seemed her words were echoing around Remus’s head and the only thing left in Rosaline’s memory was the fading words of her mother as she died protecting her only daughter.

Remus was suddenly surrounded by white light signalling a gap in the memory, before the sounds of screaming started to fill the void and the same scene came back into view, only this time it was just as the sun was starting to come up. Rosaline screamed so loudly, before suddenly a man came into view, his face was midway between Remus and Lyall’s, but the suit jacket he wore was clear as day. Brown with a big red velvet pocket.

The man slowly brought Rosaline into his chest, the young girl turned back to hold her mother’s hand and the last thing she saw was the cold green eyes of her mother lying dead. Rosaline cried hard as she was taken away, finding comfort in the red velvet pocket and being unable to do anything else.

Remus was thrust back into Rosaline’s bedroom and found himself sitting the floor, staring at those familiar green eyes, panting and sweating heavily. He was unsure of what to do, seven years of age and Rosaline Carter had seen the very worst in people. Remus was sure he could still hear her mother telling her how much she loved her and trying so hard to keep her daughter quiet. 

He leaned forward to rest on his knees, running his hand through his damp hair and trying to figure out what to do. Rosaline seemed to have all the patience in the world for him to think, but eventually he would need to say something, anything to make her feel like her life was valued. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus felt his emotions catching in his throat. ‘I am so sorry.’ He said and without much warning, tears began to stream from his face. Remus covered his face with his hands and cried quietly for a while, only stopping when he felt a light touch on his shoulder. He took a breath and composed himself enough to see that Rosaline was kneeling next to him with her hand on his shoulder. Remus could see the uncertainty in her eyes, unsure of what she was doing was the right thing.

‘When I fought the boggart,’ she said, barely above a whisper. ‘You told me to breathe, just like she did… I thought you’d understand.’

Remus placed his hand on top of hers and turned to face her a little more. ‘I do, Rosaline, I understand now.’ Remus almost begged her to believe him. ‘And I am so sorry that you had to suffer like that, you didn’t deserve it, you didn’t.’ 

He was suddenly surprised by her movement, but it wasn’t unwelcomed at all. Rosaline gently wrapped her arms around Remus’s neck and held him close to her body, he didn’t dare push her away, instead he returned the hug and made sure she could feel how much he appreciated everything she had shown him. Her body was even slimmer than he thought and Remus felt a sudden urge to ensure her safety for the rest of her life, he couldn’t let her down, not ever.

‘You are worth saving, Rosaline.’ Remus whispered into her soft, thick hair. ‘Always remember, you are worth everything.’ Remus was losing control of his tears once again, but Rosaline didn’t seem to mind, she just held him close until he felt like he could handle himself again. 

Remus eventually pulled away and when he saw her face, he half laughed that she had shed a few tears as well, instinctively bringing his hand up to wipe them from her cheek with his thumb. He watched her close her eyes at the touch, just absorbing the warmth of his hand against her cool skin and suddenly Remus remembered where he was. 

He didn’t want to just get up and leave, not while they had things to talk about, but he couldn’t stay on the bedroom floor of a student’s dormitory and pretend it was okay. 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Remus asked as he took his hand away from her face, immediately missing the contact. 

‘I don’t know.’ Rosaline shook her head. ‘What… I mean do you… does it change… things?’

‘Rosaline, I told you before,’ Remus suddenly found himself forgetting his place as he held her hand once again. ‘I will not judge you on the experiences in your past, you are extraordinarily brave and you a wonderful person to know.’

‘Thank you, Professor.’ 

Remus half laughed. ‘Rosaline, I’m not sure how much of a professor I am to you anymore,’ it was like Remus had lost complete control of himself. ‘Remus is more than fine.’

Rosaline smiled and it was the only thing that made Remus feel like it was the right decision. To see her smile was such an incredible thing and he wanted to see it more and more every chance he got.

‘Why don’t we go to my office and talk for a while?’ Remus suggested, anything to get him out of her bedroom and into less dangerous surroundings. ‘We don’t have to say anything important right now, I just want to make sure you’re alright.’

‘Okay.’ 

Remus could tell she was uncertain about it, but she didn’t refuse and Remus felt like maybe this wasn’t the time to go over what he’d seen in any detail just yet. It was getting late, but Remus supposed she didn’t really care too much about that, instead she just settled into one of his armchairs with her tea. 

‘So, why don’t you tell me how you built a pensieve?’ Remus asked, finally feeling like he was back in his safe space and like he might have been able to concentrate properly. Rosaline just smiled and shrugged.

‘Like I said, all the information is in the library, you just have to know where to look.’ She explained and her smile faded a little. ‘It’s not like I didn’t have time to work it out anyway.’ 

‘Well, it seems to me that you are a wonderful crafter,’ Remus decided to take a different approach. ‘Is it something you’re considering for a career after Hogwarts? I noticed your interest in Dervish and Banges in Hogsmeade.’

Rosaline frowned. ‘Erm… I didn’t actually think that far ahead.’ Her cheeks began to turn pink as she again fiddled with her sleeves. 

Remus sighed and put his tea cup down, leaning forward on his knees. ‘Rosaline, I want you to know that while I am still worried for you, my statement still stands, even more so now that you’ve been so honest with me. You can always talk to me if you feel these things become too much for you, I’ll never turn you down… I hope you realise how brave you were tonight, it’s no wonder you’re a Gryffindor, you’ve led a very courageous life so far. I can only imagine the things you will go on to achieve.’ That seemed to cheer her up a little. ‘May I ask you a question?’

Rosaline suddenly had a look of fear, possibly wondering if the question was to do with the memory, but Remus wanted to approach things differently. 

‘The fact that you have built your own working pensieve is extraordinary all on it’s own,’ Remus started. ‘I would like to ask your permission to tell professor Dumbledore, of course, I would never dream of telling him anything else without your express consent, but I do think this is worth mentioning as he may be able to help in defining a career path for you in the future.’

There was confusion written all over her face, she’d probably never seriously thought about her future before and again it broke his heart. 

‘You won’t tell him anything else?’

‘Nothing else, I promise.’ Remus maintained her eye to make sure she knew he was telling the truth. 

‘Okay.’ She eventually nodded, Remus could still see the uncertainty in her eye, but she trusted him now and that was his main goal for the time being. 

‘I think, Rosaline, tonight might not be a good night to go into depth about what happened to you,’ Remus said, noting her discomfort. ‘I think you and I both need to think on today’s events for a while. What do you think?’

Rosaline nodded. ‘I think my head is a bit to full right now.’ 

Remus half laughed at her wording. ‘I think mine is as well. So, how about we revisit this in a few days? That’ll give us both time to unwind and it’ll provide a little clearer perspective.’

‘Okay.’ She nodded and Remus allowed her to go back to her room through his fireplace. 

It was a moment before he descended the stairs to his own bedroom and thought on the day as a whole. It was a lot to take in, but Rosaline had been so brave throughout everything. She could have reacted a lot worse to his father and then to have the courage to show him her most prized memory, she was definitely not the person everyone believed her to be, she may just have been the bravest individual Remus had ever come across in his life.


	7. Christmas Morning

Rosaline woke the same way she did every morning of her life, with a wave of itchiness covering her entire being, like something was crawling beneath her skin and soon that itchiness turned to tiny pin pricks stabbing her from the inside out, the pin pricks turned to small daggers tearing through her veins and muscles and ripping them open. She would momentarily forget everything that wasn’t pain before repeating the mantra in her head. “Breathe. Deep breaths. Breathe. Deep breaths. Breathe.” Until finally the pain was manageable.

She would open her eyes and see the roof of her bedroom, the dark wooden ceiling that stared back down at her without a care for how she was feeling that morning. Rosaline would take a deep steady breath and try to think of anything else that would distract her enough from the pain. Fortunately, over the past week she had the benefit of music to distract her, without a second thought Rosaline waved her hand towards her record player and watched the needle rest on top of the record as the music played her into a reality she could tolerate. 

It took a moment, but it was enough to get her up and into the shower. She decided to make the effort to go to breakfast with everyone that morning, feeling bad that she’d missed dinner the night before when she promised she would try not to. Rosaline slowly and carefully washed her hair and skin, she knew that if she irritated the skin too much the irritation would turn into itchiness and then into the unbearable pain she felt when she moved too quickly, or if she wore clothes that weren’t soft enough. 

She remembered that Lupin’s hands were soft, like someone who’d read books all their life and not done an awful lot of labour intensive work. Rosaline hated to admit how much she’d enjoyed the way he’d stroked her hand in the kitchens, or how she craved his thumb grazing her cheek again, or even the warmth of his body pressed against hers. The distraction was enough to make her feel normal for just a few seconds, as if there was no pain in her body at all. 

Rosaline took a deep breath, she knew it was wrong to think of Lupin in that way, he was only trying to help her find a release from the pain, but somehow his actions and his intentions to help her, gave Rosaline enough courage all on their own. 

She had been fairly uninterested in the new professor at the start of term, knowing full well that Lockhart had completely forgotten her the year before, so much so that she stopped turning up to class altogether until the final exam, which she passed with flying colours. However, when Professor Dumbledore had asked to see her about her absences, she got the impression that this teacher was a little different and probably wouldn’t tolerate frequent absences. Rosaline hated to admit she may have needed to turn up once a week to settle his complaints, but Dumbledore had also insisted she apologise for her neglect as the new professor would appreciate it. Little had she known how important it would come to be.

As it turned out, dark arts had now become a favoured subject of hers as it was the only time she felt like a teacher was really looking after her education. Most of the time, they wanted her to talk about how she was feeling, but the answer to that never changed and Lupin was never so directly intrusive when he asked, and he never brought it into the classroom unless it was absolutely necessary. In fact, whenever Lupin asked how she was feeling it was almost as if he could sense she was at a real low point and the question was actually worth asking. 

Rosaline had felt such shame when Lupin had found her at the top of the astronomy tower, she felt guilt like she hadn’t felt in years. She just couldn’t find it in herself to carry on and yet Lupin didn’t make her feel guilty for doing it, he seemed to understand what she was going through and made her feel like she wasn’t alone. Rosaline felt an automatic instinct to trace the scars on his own wrists, just to feel what they were like once faded and in the past, but the realisation that it was inappropriate stopped her. 

Christmas Eve had been possibly the best day of her life. She had never been given permission to go to Hogsmeade before, but Lupin had asked Dumbledore if he could take her just so that they could get out of the castle for a while. Lupin had claimed it was because he didn’t like to be cooped up for too long, but Rosaline wasn’t stupid, she knew he was probably doing it for her benefit more than anything. 

Nevertheless, she enjoyed going to see all the places she’d heard Oliver talking about with his friends, she used to avoid the conversation because she always ended up focussing on the negative instead of the positive, but now she felt like she might have been able to join in.

Meeting Dominic had been overwhelming as much as it had been a joyous experience, he was so passionate and so kind to give her the music that she felt an obligation to go back and say thank you and speak about what she thought about each musician; he would like that.

It took Rosaline a moment to figure out if she heard what she thought she heard, that was until it happened again. Someone was knocking at her door. In the six and a half years she had been at Hogwarts, no one had ever knocked at her door before. She knew it couldn’t have been Lupin, because he rightly pointed out how inappropriate it would be for him to simply stroll into her bedroom; that left very few other options.

Rosaline opened the door to find Angelina Johnson in her dressing gown. Rosaline had already gotten dressed into her black jeans and soft cream jumper, not really sure what else to wear to breakfast, but it didn’t seem to matter too much to Angelina. 

‘Merry Christmas, Rosaline!’ She cheered and it only served to confuse Rosaline further.

‘Erm, merry Christmas.’ Rosaline said, without quite as much cheer.

‘So, do you want us to wait for you, or shall we just start opening presents without you?’ She asked. It was such a strange thing to ask Rosaline, she’d never asked before, why was she starting now?

‘Erm, I don’t know what you mean. Why would you wait for me?’

‘So, we everyone can open them together.’ Angelina seemed to think that this was an entirely normal event and it was only then that Rosaline noticed a first year and two fourth years were also still in the dressing gowns waiting for her to answer. 

‘But I don’t have any presents.’ Rosaline frowned and suddenly felt bad when it looked like Angelina felt sorry for her. ‘No, don’t feel bad or anything, I never get presents.’ Rosaline was only making things worse.

‘You never get presents?’ The first year was more shocked than any of them. ‘Not even from your parents.’

‘I don’t have-‘ Rosaline stopped speaking and tried to think quickly. ‘I mean, we don’t… don’t celebrate Christmas?’ It was hardly any better and Angelina suddenly cut in telling them to wait down in the common room. 

‘Rosaline, why don’t you come down with us? It’ll be fun and it has to beat staying in your room all day.’ Angelina seemed strangely intent on getting Rosaline to go with her and for a moment she was almost tempted. ‘You might be surprised.’ 

Angelina wandered away and down to the common room, leaving Rosaline more confused than before, it took her a few moments to decide what to do, but she remembered what Lupin had said about spending the day with people and soon, against her usual routine, Rosaline descended the steps to the Gryffindor common room.

It looked like Angelina had gotten everyone to wait for Rosaline anyway and much to her surprise, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were all there as well. 

‘Finally!’ Ron exclaimed, making Rosaline stop in her tracks.

‘S-sorry.’ She stuttered and watched as Angelina dived straight into handing out presents.

Rosaline didn’t feel much like getting in anyone’s way while they were having fun and so decided sitting close by at a table was best. She could feel her skin becoming more and more irritated, verging on painful and was just about to pick up whatever book was lying around, when Angelina hopped into view with a rectangular silver package and a much larger square one.

‘What’s that?’ Rosaline asked.

‘Christmas presents, I told you you’d be surprised.’ She smiled and Rosaline couldn’t quite work out what was going on. Someone had sent her a present? Who? And why? She hadn’t sent presents to anyone, she didn’t have anyone to send presents to. ‘You know, you’re supposed to be happy and start ripping them open.’ Angelina suddenly interrupted her thoughts and Rosaline quickly took both items and laid them down on the table in front of her.

Angelina left to open her own presents and Rosaline was still unsure of what to do, she quickly looked around at the messy way in which everyone else was opening their gifts, but it didn’t seem right to just tear hers open. Someone had clearly gone through the trouble to wrap the presents, indicated by the way the silver paper was perfectly creased at each corner. There was a small card that sat with the rectangle package and Rosaline carefully pulled it away from the gift.

Rosaline,

Have a wonderful day, take pleasure in the simple things and please eat as much as you can at dinner, it’s traditional to overeat on Christmas Day.  
Merry Christmas.

Your friend.

Rosaline couldn’t stop her wide smile, had he really gone to such trouble?

‘You should open the big one first.’ The young first year had said, he was already half through some kind of chocolate bar and Rosaline knew he’d be sick before he finished if he carried on at that rate. ‘The big ones are always the best presents.’

Rosaline couldn’t help but chuckle at the young man. ‘Okay.’ She said and picked up the square package. She took the care to pull gently at each sealed fold until the young first year got frustrated with the lack of pace.

‘Just rip it!’ He exclaimed and it only made Rosaline chuckle again, she decided to do as he asked and rip at the last fold. Rosaline put the paper to one side and looked at her present with intrigue and curiosity. ‘What is it?’

‘Music.’ Rosaline could feel a small lump in her throat as she looked at the two beautifully designed album covers.

‘Music?’ Ron blurted out. Rosaline seemed to have the attention of most of the room. ‘What bands? If it’s anything by that Warbeck woman, you might as well just chuck em. She’s no good.’

‘Ronald!’ Hermione hit her oblivious friend and it only served to make Rosaline laugh at them.

‘Actually, it’s a band called Queen.’ Rosaline said, reading the cover. ‘A Day At The Races and News Of The World.’

‘Are they any good?’ Ron asked, his voice was sceptical as he shoved another piece of chocolate in his already bulging mouth. 

‘I’m not sure, I’ve never heard them.’ Rosaline quietly confessed. 

‘Why don’t you put one of them on?’ Angelina suggested and everyone seemed to agree that it was a good idea. Rosaline was unsure, but she suddenly remembered the excitement Lupin had when sharing his music with her, that she was sure she would feel the same excitement if everyone enjoyed her music.

It took her a moment to decide, but eventually Rosaline checked the dates and put on the earlier album A Day At The Races. The room was suddenly filled with exciting and vibrant music, Harry and Hermione seemed to already know some of the songs and it made sense seeing as they knew the muggle world better than the magical one. 

Rosaline sat down and opened the other present which was a collection of chocolate bars from Honeydukes, it made her smile wider than she thought was possible and suddenly she began to cry. Rosaline was good at not letting anyone see or hear her cry, it was finely tuned art by now, but there was no avoiding it when Angelina sat down at the table with her. 

‘Are you alright?’ Angelina asked.

Rosaline just nodded and quickly wiped the tears from her face.

‘Are you sure?’ 

‘I’m fine.’ Rosaline nodded, putting the conversation to rest. She hadn’t meant to be quite so guarded, but the last few days had been incredibly overwhelming as it was and this was the last thing she expected. There was some disagreement when Harry was given a Firebolt and Hermione was a little uptight about it, but it seemed she was the only one and the conversation was put to rest.

Eventually everyone got dressed and invited Rosaline to go and have breakfast with them, she didn’t refuse, but only because she had promised Lupin that she would enjoy herself as much as she could. 

They made their way down to the Great Hall and the first year, Andrew, had somehow latched onto Rosaline and he was trying to start a conversation about Wizard’s Chess, something that Rosaline was trying to take an interest in, but it was difficult. Angelina made the save when she started up a conversation about Quidditch, but again Rosaline was finding it difficult to want to talk about a sport that caused her such pain when she played. 

They joined the teachers and a few other students who had stayed behind for Christmas for a quick breakfast before everyone got on with the day and Rosaline somehow found herself sitting at the end, closest to the door and furthest from more overwhelming conversation. Though Andrew had managed to squeeze himself into the seat next to her and continued his one sided discussion on chess. 

Lupin had arrived late and the only seat left at the table was opposite Rosaline. 

‘Merry Christmas, everyone.’ Lupin looked incredibly ill and Rosaline wondered if he’d slept alright, his skin was looking a little pale and his movements were slightly rigid.

‘Merry Christmas Remus.’ Dumbledore nodded politely. ‘Have a seat, won’t you?’

‘Of course, may I?’ It was suddenly apparent that Lupin was talking to Rosaline and asking her permission to sit in the seat opposite, one of the fourth year Gryffindors had just gotten up, feeling sick from all the chocolate he’d eaten before. 

Rosaline just nodded, more curious than anything as to why he looked the way he did. Dumbledore had restarted his conversation with a Hufflepuff girl that Rosaline didn’t recognise and Andrew had continued his rant about ranked chess matches, involving Lupin in the debate. The only reason Rosaline had tolerated it for so long, was that she didn’t seem to have to reply to anything and he was very passionate about chess. 

Lupin was polite, but it looked like every bite he took made him want to throw up. They moved onto what Andrew had gotten for Christmas and that was about the time that Harry and Ron had joined the conversation. Hermione had stormed out for some reason and McGonagall was eyeing the two boys very carefully. Rosaline felt as though she’d missed something very important.

‘Well that sounds like a very exciting morning you’ve had, Andrew.’ Lupin said politely. His dark eyes suddenly turned to Rosaline who was frozen to her seat, she hadn’t really touched her food, but the second Lupin looked at her, she picked up her goblet and swallowed a mouthful of pumpkin juice, hoping the gesture would settle him somehow.

‘Rosaline got music!’ Andrew suddenly said, very excitedly and it made Rosaline face light up red, she could suddenly feel the warmth under her skin turning from warm to burning, it was descending into her neck and the pain was starting to wash over her again. She took a deep breath and by the time she had done that, Lupin was asking Andrew if he enjoyed the music and Andrew was painting a picture of how Rosaline had made everyone get up and dance. Whilst it was true that nearly everyone was dancing along to Queen that morning, Lupin wasn’t foolish enough to think that Rosaline had anything to do with it.

‘Well, I’m very glad to hear that you’ve had a good morning.’ The statement seemed to be directed more at Rosaline who nodded, still trying to breathe through the pain and suddenly aware that her fists were clenched very tightly on top of the table. She tried to relax, Merlin knows she tried, but it was difficult with the bombardment of Andrew’s excitable nature and the blood rushing through her cheeks, without anything to distract her. ‘Which albums were they?’ Lupin asked, he could see what was happening and trying to both distract Rosaline and deter the rest of the people from the strangeness of her.

‘Erm… A Day- A Day At The Races and News Of The World.’ She swallowed hard and took a breath meeting Lupin’s soft gaze. 

‘1976 and 1977.’ Lupin nodded. ‘I used to listen to those albums when I was at Hogwarts, your father Harry, he used to dance with your mother at all hours of the night to music like that.’ It was nice again to hear about Lupin’s past and Rosaline appreciated the cover for her pain issue. ‘I remember those exact albums very fondly indeed.’ The wording of the statement had Rosaline snapping her eyes back up to Lupin’s. The exact albums. Did that mean Lupin had given her two of his most prized albums as a Christmas present? 

‘Why don’t you play that kind of music in class professor?’ Andrew interrupted Rosaline’s thought pattern.

‘Well, I gave my copies of those albums away to a very good friend of mine who needed them more than I did.’ He explained and suddenly Rosaline couldn’t breathe at all, everything was going into freefall. This wasn’t the life she knew, this was a strange new life that belonged to someone else.

‘That was nice of you.’ How could Andrew sit there so completely naïve to what Lupin was saying? How could he not see what he was really talking about?

She tired again to breathe, to just stay calm and not let herself be overwhelmed by the kindness of everyone around her.

‘Rosaline, are you alright?’ Lupin. His voice was so quiet and soft and gentle, and it didn’t hurt at all, it didn’t even penetrate the skin, not the way Andrew’s voice seemed to. She looked up and the young first year was arguing with Ron about chess and no one was paying the slightest bit of attention to Rosaline, but somehow she could still feel the piercing sound of conversation beneath her skin. She needed to get it out, she needed to make it stop. ‘Rosaline.’ The tone was a little more serious and it was only then that she realised she was gripping her knife very tightly. 

There was only one place on her mind and she needed to go there before she did anything regrettable. Rosaline stood up quickly and strode out of the Great Hall, heading straight for the Astronomy Tower.


	8. The Memories Of Christmas Past

Remus was aware that everyone had gone quiet at the table. Rosaline looked as though she was having some kind of panic attack, but it was contained and quiet and no one would have noticed if they weren’t sitting directly opposite her and watching her closely, which of course, he was. 

‘Excuse me.’ Remus stood up and indicated he was going to see if Rosaline was okay, he had a good feeling about where she had gone. The chatter started up again and Remus dragged his tiring body out of the Hall. The moon was coming up in two days and he was starting to feel the effects already, he wasn’t mentally prepared to deal with anything important, but somehow he found enough patience to talk to Rosaline. 

He exited the Great Hall and went to walk in the direction of the Astronomy Tower when footsteps could be heard behind him.

‘Professor?’ Angelina Johnson. ‘Professor.’ She said and stopped in front of him. ‘Are you going to find Rosaline?’

‘I’m just making she’s alright.’ Remus confirmed.

‘It’s just that,’ the young woman paused for a moment. ‘Well, she was crying this morning.’

‘Do you know why?’ Remus frowned, wondering if he had anything to do with it. 

‘She wouldn’t say,’ Angelina shook her head. ‘But when we went up to her room this morning to invite her to open presents with us… she said she never got presents at Christmas. She just seemed so shocked that someone thought about her.’

Remus knew that she saw his heart breaking, he couldn’t hide it, he didn’t have the energy. 

‘Alright, I’ll take care of it.’ Remus assured Angelina and went to walk away.

‘It’s just that…’ Angelina made him stop. ‘If any of us had known, we would have gotten her something, but she just never talks to anyone. We didn’t know.’

Remus just nodded and headed up the stairs to find Rosaline. 

Sure enough, the second he got close to the top of the spiral staircase, he heard heavy sobbing. The air was so much colder than the last time he was there, but then again, the Tower wasn’t being used during the holidays. Remus went and sat beside Rosaline, breathing into his hands to warm them up, she continued to cry to herself for a while until finally Remus decided to put his hand on her shoulder the same way he always did. She was freezing and it only annoyed Remus when he knew it shouldn’t have done.

‘Rosaline, I’m sorry if I upset you in anyway-‘

‘You didn’t.’ She interrupted, much to his surprise. ‘I’m just… I just miss her so much.’

Remus immediately put his arms around Rosaline and brought her into his much warmer body. He couldn’t allow her to get so upset on Christmas Day. 

‘It’s okay, it’s alright.’ Remus said and a thought suddenly occurred to him, one that had never even crossed his mind before. ‘Rosaline, you don’t need to feel guilty about being happy, you need to stop punishing yourself for what happened.’

Her sobs quietened as she began to calm down again, but Remus was sure she wasn’t quite there yet. 

‘We never had too many good days.’ Rosaline whispered. ‘She was always leaving to run errands and when she was home, people would come and they would yell and tell her she wasn’t doing things properly. They kept telling her she wasn’t good enough… I wanted so badly to help her, but I couldn’t, I didn’t know how.’ Remus began automatically stroking his fingers through her soft hair. ‘When Voldemort fell, we started moving around a lot. She told me that people were coming to find her because they thought she did something bad, she promised it wouldn’t be forever, she promised we would settle down after a while and things would get better, but they never did.’ Rosaline sobbed harder again and held Remus even tighter. ‘We never spent Christmas at home, she couldn’t risk going to buy presents because someone might recognise her and try to hurt her. I just wanted to make her smile again. She never smiled and she was so beautiful when she smiled. I just want her back so bad. Please, please just bring my mum back to me. Please.’ 

Rosaline had never cried like this in front of Remus, she’d shed tears and cried hard, but this was so much worse, this was a complete loss of control and loss of faith in anything. This was the seven-year-old child he had seen crying in her dying mother’s arms and there was no making things right for that child. Her world was gone and this was what she was left with, pain and loss and sadness. 

Remus allowed her to cry as hard as she wanted, he wouldn’t let her go, he wouldn’t let her do this alone, he would be there until the crying stopped and he would continue to be there afterwards.

It was nearly twenty minutes before she finally stopped sobbing so heavily, she was still upset, but all the tears had run out and she didn’t know what to do anymore.

‘Rosaline.’ Remus whispered into her hair, he realised that it smelled sweet and it appealed to his heightened sense more than he was willing to admit. ‘I know that you know that the spell to bring back loved ones, doesn’t exist.’ He could feel her losing herself again. ‘But what I saw in your perfectly preserved memory of that night, told me your mother was braver than any of us during the war, it told me she loved you more than life itself and it told me that she provided you with the greatest gift any mother could give a child.’

Rosaline frowned, he felt the wrinkle forming between her eyes against his chest.

‘She gave you life, Rosaline.’ Remus breathed and he felt her still. ‘She sacrificed herself so that you could live the life she couldn’t provide, so that you could enjoy Christmas and get presents from the people who love you most. If I was in her position and I gave my life for yours, I would want you to find happiness in everything, I would want you to dance to old music, I would want you laugh with your friends, I would want you to get in trouble over silly pranks, I want you to find endless possibility in your future, I want you to fall in love, I want you to find things to love just because you can, I want you to tell your children the same thing she told you. Be smart, have courage.’ Remus caught himself changing the wording half way through and would almost guarantee that Rosaline caught it as well, but she didn’t say anything. ‘You are so wonderfully unique, just like your mother, you’re brave like her, you’re funny like I’ve been led to believe she was… and you are so beautiful, just like her.’ Rosaline didn’t move for a moment, but pulled away a little and wiping her eyes on her sleeves.

‘Thank you.’ She breathed, unable to make anymore noise come from her now sore throat. 

‘You’re more than welcome.’ Remus smiled, hoping he could coax something similar from her. 

‘You’ve been so kind to me over the last few months,’ she looked out at the snowy view, still wiping tears away from her face. ‘I feel bad I didn’t get you anything for Christmas.’

Remus half laughed and leaned back on his hands watching the view as well. ‘I wouldn’t worry too much. Besides there’s always next year.’ That seemed to do the trick, a half smile appeared tugging at her mouth and it was enough for Remus for now. ‘Or you could do something for me.’ She frowned at him in questioning. ‘I won’t make you come to Christmas dinner, I imagine this morning was overwhelming enough with everyone around and I could tell Andrew’s talk of chess was as riveting for you as it is for everyone else.’ That brought on a slightly bigger smile. ‘But you didn’t eat much and I worry that you’re not taking care of your body the way it needs to be taken care of. Will you please try and have something more substantial then pumpkin juice? For me?’ 

Rosaline seemed to contemplate the question like it was a heavy ask and Remus wondered if there was something a little more sinister about why she never seemed to eat much.

‘Okay.’ She croaked. ‘I will, I promise.’

‘Good.’ Remus was satisfied that she would at least try and for now that had to be enough. ‘Now tell me what you really think of Queen.’

Remus managed to get her to talk about the music for a little while and she continued to thank him, not quite understanding or even really believing that he’d given her his personal copies of the albums, but he never really listened to it anymore, it reminded him too much of the best two years of his life at Hogwarts, when his friends had helped him and when he really believed that he was destined for a happy life. It was such a naïve dream, he didn’t even realise. 

After an hour or so of chatting about music and a little about the books she was reading, Remus decided it was time she headed back to the common room to either spend time with people or just relax in her room for a while. She was under no obligation to do anything anyone expected of her, all she needed to do was enjoy the holidays and that was it.

‘She’s doing better.’ Remus said, sitting down on the other side of Dumbledore’s desk, while the Headmaster took his usual seat. McGonagall had just turned up behind him, worried about Rosaline as well. ‘I’ve sent her back to the common room and she knows she’s under no obligation to do anything today or over the holidays.’ 

‘Did you find out why she was upset this morning? Miss Johnson informed me she was crying in the common room.’ McGonagall was a wonderful head of house, she cared deeply for her students even if she didn’t always show it, but her overbearing attitude was sometimes grating. 

‘I did.’ Remus said, but gave no more of an explanation. The two other teachers looked at him as if they were expecting him to continue. ‘Look, Rosaline is at a crucial point in her life, she is now beginning to come to terms with what happened eleven years ago and I think we need treat this with no small amount of delicacy.’ 

‘That’s all very well Remus,’ McGonagall argued. ‘But she tried to take her own life and it wasn’t the first time she’s tried.’

‘That wasn’t what she was trying to do.’

‘Forgive me, but I think it’s clear she isn’t in the right mindset to be allowed to roam around unsupervised anymore.’ 

‘I think putting any restraints on her will do nothing to help, she already feels trapped spending her days in the castle and it has had devastating effects on her mental health.’

‘Well maybe she could show up to a few more classes, keep her focussed on something else for a while.’

‘Minerva, she is so much more intelligent than you have been giving her credit for, I assure you, she would only get that much more bored if we force the matter.’

‘She told you.’ Dumbledore’s voice cut through the argument, it was quiet, but it was penetrating. ‘She told you what happened that night.’

Remus shifted uncomfortably. ‘She showed me actually.’ He confirmed and suddenly Dumbledore was very curious. 

‘How?’

‘A pensieve.’

‘How did she get a hold of a pensieve?’ McGonagall said, shocked and appalled.

‘She made it.’ Remus said almost with a smile. ‘Rosaline is a wonderfully talented craftswoman, she built a pensieve with nothing more than the information she found in the library and it works as well as any pensieve I’ve seen, perhaps better, the memory was incredibly clear.’

‘And what happened in the memory she showed you?’ Dumbledore barely even acknowledged the achievement.

‘I promised her I wouldn’t say anything without her consent.’

‘Remus-‘ McGonagall went to plead the case.

‘Minerva, you have no idea how crucial it is that we gain her trust.’ Remus wasn’t going to back down, he couldn’t. ‘Rosaline is just looking for someone to treat her like what she is going through is normal and considering what happened that night, I am astounded that she has turned out as well as she has. We cannot force her to do anything and we cannot betray her trust so frivolously for our own gain, if we do then I’m afraid she may never put her trust in anyone ever again.’ 

The room was quiet for a moment, McGonagall seemed to be waiting for Dumbledore to overrule Remus and Remus was waiting for him to make a decision on Rosaline’s future. The Headmaster could tell that Remus would fight for it in anyway he could, he knew that Remus had gone through something similar when he was in school and this was the best possible course for Rosaline.

‘I trust your judgement Remus,’ Dumbledore said, much to McGonagall’s dismay. ‘I will grant her permission to go to Hogsmeade on weekends and I should like you to spend some more time with her. I don’t want her to be a risk to herself again and if you’re right in that she feels trapped inside the castle, I would encourage you to take her further around the grounds should you feel it necessary.’ The Headmaster took a breath and Remus was at least pleased with the outcome so far. ‘But I am still concerned about what really happened that night and who is responsible for Margaret’s death.’

‘That’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.’ Remus sat forward with a little difficulty. ‘What happened when you went to collect Rosaline from my father’s house?’ 

Dumbledore had a miniscule frown as he remembered that night. ‘You father was the only one who knew Margaret’s true nature, the rest of the Order believed she was a Death Eater and everything was moving according to plan. He sent an urgent message to my office explaining what he found. Naturally, I informed Kingsley Shacklebolt of the situation and we made our way to St Athan immediately. Rosaline was semi-conscious, unaware of her surroundings or even what had happened. Margaret was dead and had been for several hours, she had been inflicted with curses, hexes and all manner of dark magic. It was clear that from what Lyall had described, Rosaline must have climbed into her mother’s arms to protect herself from whoever else was there. We took the body and gave her a proper burial, but no one ever knew the things she did to allow us to win the war. My only regret is that I did not take her pleas seriously.’

‘She warned you that she was being chased by surviving Death Eaters.’ Remus felt the growl in his chest.

‘She did.’ Dumbledore nodded. ‘Though I believed her life may have been at risk for a few months, there was no evidence to suggest anyone was chasing her and we believed she was delusional, paranoid and suffering since the end of the war. I was about to make plans to see her and ask about the welfare of Rosaline.’

Remus stood rubbing his temple, not really believing what he was hearing. 

‘If you had done something,’ Remus growled again. ‘Anything would have been enough. Even just a visit would have held them back long enough to give her time!’ He could feel his anger mounting. ‘You just had to do something! Rosaline would not have lost her only family and she would not feel such shame and guilt about simply existing!’

‘Remus.’ McGonagall stood in warning that he was going too far.

‘We made mistakes, everyone made mistakes.’ Remus tried to find his composure again. ‘Those mistakes cost a seven-year-old child everything, and by that I don’t just mean her family or a home, it cost her, her faith in people, all trust is gone, it cost her the ability to enjoy anything and it cost her any chance she had at a life filled with joy and love… and I for one intend to make up for that, because my mistakes led to this as well. We are all responsible.’

There was silence amongst the three of them for a moment, it was heavy and thick and very uncomfortable for all involved. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Remus felt himself grow tired very quickly from the outburst. ‘I shouldn’t blame you-‘

‘No, you’re right.’ Dumbledore sighed. ‘We made mistakes and it led to death. All we can do now is make sure those who died did not do so in vain.’ He thought for a moment. ‘I trust you Remus, I trust that you know Rosaline Carter better than any of us and if you believe she needs something from us, do not hesitate to ask for it. I fear we have been neglectful concerning her welfare and the fault lies with us and us alone.’ Dumbledore looked pleadingly at Remus. ‘What does she need?’

‘Right now?’ Remus half laughed. ‘I honestly have no idea, she’s been through a lot over the last few days, I think she just needs to process it and figure this out for herself. I’m afraid there’s only so much I can do for her at the moment.’

‘We appreciate that this is a difficult time for you,’ McGonagall finally spoke. ‘But is there anything we can do to make things easier for her?’ 

Remus sighed and leaned on the back of his chair. ‘Just try not to overwhelm her, sitting with Andrew this morning was a little too much and I believe my appearance only made things worse.’

‘How so?’

Remus was quiet for just a moment, he knew this was a bad idea, he knew it the second he thought about it all those weeks ago. ‘She’d never been given a Christmas present before, I thought it would help her to feel normal.’

‘You got her a present?!’ McGonagall was rightly outraged and Remus couldn’t blame her for it, it was inappropriate. ‘Remus, she’s a student.’

‘Well, she’s not exactly like every other student, is she?’ 

‘I have to agree with Remus, Minerva, this may be a good thing.’ 

There didn’t seem to be much more to say, Remus refused to tell them what he’d seen in the memory and without much more information on what happened afterwards, there was no more reason to talk about Rosaline.


	9. Confessions Of Pain

Remus had spent most of the days leading up to the New Year sleeping in his room and trying hard to ignore the exhaustion in his muscles. It hadn’t been this bad in a long time and Remus was well aware of why it was affecting him so much now. His nightmares were filled with a seven-year-old child screaming for her mother to be alive, begging him to help her and he did nothing. 

Remus had tried to make it to dinner the day after the full moon, but the exhaustion was getting to be a bit too much for him. He made it as far as his desk in his classroom, but that was it and the energy to go any further escaped him. He couldn’t even find the energy to button his shirt up the whole way and just spent the evening with his music, dosing in the candlelight. He was vaguely aware of someone opening the door to his classroom, assuming it was either Snape or Pomfrey, he didn’t bother opening his eyes, instead he just continued to doze. 

He only opened his eyes when the smell of chocolate invaded his senses. A mug filled with steaming hot chocolate sat in front on him along with a box of biscuits that smelt of mint, he also noticed that his music had changed and suddenly the realisation that only one person would have done that for him hit. 

There was a small note sitting beside the mug and Remus mustered the energy to sit up and read it. 

Remus,

You said it was okay to call you that, I hope it’s okay that I did it here. You were sleeping when I came to see you earlier and I didn’t want to disturb you.

You seem really tired lately and I didn’t know how to help, or even if you’d want any help. Anyway, I hope this does help, I remember you said chocolate always cheers you up and I read something about mint helping when you’re tired.

Angelina said that this was a good gesture of friendship, I didn’t tell her it was you, don’t worry, but she’s friends with everyone so I figured she’d be a good person to ask.

I’m going on a bit now, but I hope you feel better soon and enjoy the music. It’s from Dominic, he says hi.

Happy New Year.

Your friend.

Remus felt himself smile and realised that the music was a band he’d never heard before, but he was enjoying it all the same. He enjoyed the fact that Rosaline had found the courage to go back to Hogsmeade and cared enough that she would bring him something back. The only thing that had his smile fading was when he thought about the state she had seen him in, his shirt revealed far too much of his chest and he’d not bothered to zip his trousers up. It wasn’t appropriate, but then it seemed he was breaking all the rules for her.

Much to his delight, he felt a lot better after tasting the sweet chocolate and the mixture of the mint biscuit was a combination he’d be relying on in the future. He might have been able to get up the next morning and feel like a functioning human being again.

It was a good start to the New Year when Remus woke up with a deep breath and a new determination to start the year refreshed and ready for the next set of challenges. He’d promised to teach Harry the Patronus charm and it only served as a reminder that Rosaline was unable to perform it either, though he was sure she wouldn’t want that fact revealed to anyone.

Remus decided to find Rosaline and see if she had anything she wanted to talk about. It was an unusual thing not to be able to find her quickly, he checked the Astronomy Tower, the lake, the Great Hall where some people were socialising and even the kitchens to see if she was simply sitting trying to keep her promise to eat a little more. But she wasn’t in any of those places. Remus debated whether he should have asked Angelina Johnson who was talking about Quidditch with Harry and Ron in the Great Hall.

‘Morning Professor.’ Angelina smiled, she suddenly turned her attention entirely on him and it made Remus very uncomfortable to witness her attraction so blatantly, but it did bring back the fond memory of Rosaline asking if he really did fight off women everywhere he went. 

‘Good morning, I see you’re all well rested for the new year.’ Remus nodded politely. ‘Where’s everyone else?’ It was vague enough that he may have at least come up with a few more places to look for Rosaline.

‘Andrew’s with Madame Pomfrey,’ Angelina explained. ‘He’s been eating nothing but chocolate for the last four days. Everyone else is in the common room or the library.’

‘I see, and Hermione?’ Remus directed the question at Harry and Ron who mumbled vague answers of uncertainty. ‘Can I take this to mean you’re still not talking to each other then?’ Again, they mumbled their replies. ‘Well, I hope you resolve things soon.’

‘Not bloody likely.’ Ron whispered under his breath, but Remus heard it loud and clear.

‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Remus nodded and decided he really didn’t want to be under the gaze of Miss Johnson any longer. 

The library was a good place to check first, she may well have been reading up on some complex subject or another, but much to his surprise she wasn’t there either. Remus checked the restricted section and even the private study tables, but there was no sign that anyone had been in the library for days.

It was beginning to be a slight worry that she wasn’t in any of her usual spots and Remus was concerned that she was somewhere she shouldn’t have been. The carriages wouldn’t be running again until the students came back from their holidays so that ruled out Hogsmeade, the only other place he could she would be was with Madam Pomfrey. As luck would have it, that was exactly where he found her.

‘I’ve told you before, you’ve become far too dependant, I can’t give you anymore.’ Pomfrey argued. Remus didn’t hear Rosaline’s reply, but she took a moment to debate arguing, before deciding against it and making a move to leave the hospital wing. 

Rosaline kept her head down, reminding him so much of the young woman he’d first met in his classes at the beginning of the year, she barely even realised he was standing there and probably would have ignored him completely had he not said anything.

‘Rosaline, are you alright?’ He asked and she just shook her head, leaving the hospital wing. Remus took a moment to work out whether he should have followed her, but if there was something wrong then he didn’t want her to be alone.

Rosaline went out of the front doors and straight to the rock near the lake where she usually sat. She was just wearing her maroon jumper and Remus wasn’t much better in just his green cardigan and shirt. She sat down on the rock and repeated a mantra to herself, over and over again.

‘Breathe. Deep breaths, just breathe. Breathe. Come on, just breathe. Deep breaths.’ Rosaline gripped her knees and took a few stuttered and jagged breaths, before giving up and holding her head in her hands. ‘Please don’t do this. Please, please just stop.’ She begged and Remus couldn’t bear to watch any longer. 

Remus sat down beside her and gently pulled her close to his chest. At this point, he didn’t care who was watching, all he knew was that Rosaline needed this to feel normal and he had never refused so far. After a while, she managed to take a few consistently deep breaths and Remus was satisfied that she was through the worst part, but she was still shivering and Remus knew they couldn’t stay there forever.

‘Rosaline, I don’t think the cold is going to do either of us any good,’ he said as gently as he could. ‘Will you come up to my office so we can talk?’

Remus could tell that she wanted to shake her head, she wanted to stay out in the cold and curl up in the snow. 

‘I think if you let me take care of you for a while, you’ll feel better.’ Remus tried to persuade her, but she still didn’t seem too convinced. Remus gave her some time and ran his hands over her back and arms, anything to keep her warm, before she finally nodded.

He guided her through the empty corridors, taking a slightly longer route to his office in order to avoid anyone seeing them and asking awkward questions. As soon as they arrived, Rosaline waved her hand towards the fire and curled into her usual armchair, pulling her knees into her chest and tried to take deep breaths once again. Her eyes were tight shut and Remus gently closed the door behind them. 

Rosaline was still shivering and the only thing Remus could think to do, was to grab the soft blanket from his own chair and carefully cover her body with it.

‘Just keep breathing, Rosaline.’ Remus said, quietly. ‘Deep breaths, just try to relax and breathe.’ It took a few more stutters, but she managed to take a couple of deeper breaths which did the trick and she steadied her breathing, it was still a little shallow for his liking, but she was getting there. Remus gently ran his hand through her soft dark hair, anything to soothe her for a little while. ‘That’s it, just breathe, nice and slow. Relax and take a deep breath, Rosaline.’ She seemed to follow his instructions without any thought or resistance, she relaxed her body as much as she could, took a deep breath and finally she was able to let go of some of the pain she was holding onto. ‘That’s better.’ He ran his hand through her hair for a little longer while she continued to focus on her breathing. ‘That’s much better.’ He encouraged and for a while he was mesmerised by her face. 

Rosaline was still repeating the mantra to herself, her soft, rosy lips making miniscule movements and Remus’s mind was suddenly invaded with the image of pressing the lightest of kisses against them. He quickly looked away and tried to think of something else, anything else that wasn’t that, he couldn’t think about that. Her watery, bloodshot eyes opened just a little and he was glad that she was coming back into reality.

‘Thank you.’ She whispered so quietly into the fabric of the chair. 

‘That’s alright, I’m here to help.’ Remus told her, scolding himself for being so crude in his mind despite his innocent intention to help her. ‘Do you think you could manage some chocolate?’ She nodded slowly and Remus went over to his desk to check what he had left in his stash. ‘I’m afraid I’ve only got plain left.’ He said, breaking a few pieces and handing her a smaller piece to eat. ‘Maybe you could accompany me to Honeydukes soon so I can stock up?’ She didn’t answer, instead, Rosaline just placed the small square on her tongue and let it melt in her mouth. 

Remus didn’t pressure her to speak for a while, instead he went about making her some tea and left the chocolate on the table close to her. She remained curled beneath the blanket and Remus eventually occupied himself reading until she was ready to talk to him. 

‘Why aren’t you saying anything?’ She whispered, the crackling of the fire almost made him miss her question. 

‘Is there anything in particular you’d like me to say?’ Remus closed his book and leaned forward on his knees. 

‘I don’t know.’ 

Remus nodded and thought quickly about what she might have needed. ‘Okay, well I would like to say thank you for coming to see me yesterday and I apologise for not being able to speak with you. I’m sure you could tell I wasn’t well enough to do much of anything.’

Rosaline sniffed and gave a twitch of a smile. ‘You’ve done so much for me, I wanted to do something nice for you.’

‘And I appreciate it very much,’ Remus nodded. ‘Not many people would be so kind as that… so, do you want to talk about why you were asking Madam Pomfrey for the Dreamless Sleep again? Are they getting worse?’

Rosaline sniffed again and thought about her answer. ‘Sometimes, I just have bad days… the bad days always mean I’ll have bad nights, the only way to stop them is to take the potion. I don’t know any other way to make them stop.’

‘I see.’ Remus nodded, trying to understand what she was saying. ‘And do these bad days happen for a reason? Is there anything that you’ve found links them together? Maybe a routine? Or a lack of sleep possibly?’

Rosaline shook her head and moved so that she was looking straight at him. ‘No, I just wake up, I try to concentrate, but some days it doesn’t work. That’s how I know it’s going to be a bad day.’

‘You have a routine for waking up?’ Remus frowned and she nodded. ‘May I ask what your routine consists of?’

Rosaline’s expression changed to the guarded look she used to have whenever anyone spoke with her, but it slowly slipped away as she contemplated telling Remus about what she did every morning.

‘It’s like there’s something living beneath my skin,’ she swallowed, picking a point on the wall behind him and sticking to it while she remembered her morning every morning. ‘It’s unbearably itchy, but I know that if I scratch the skin it’ll burn worse… the itch turns into pin pricks all over my body… and then it’s like being ripped open from the inside out and the only thing I can think to do is breathe.’ Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears. ‘If I can just breathe slow and steady for long enough, I know I’ll be able to ignore it long enough to get up and take a shower. Once I’m in the shower, I have to be careful not to scratch the skin because the hot water will make the burning worse. When I get out, I try not to move too much because the towel always hurts no matter what, but I know that so I try and find whatever clothes are softest and then I try and find something that will help me ignore the pain.’ Rosaline let a few tears go and Remus breathed deeply, feeling sorry that this was what she had to go through every day in order to have a good day. ‘The bad days are the days where I can’t ignore it and my skin burns, my eyes feel like they’ll burst and my insides feel like they’re on fire… those days don’t happen so much anymore, I play music to help me ignore the pain, but some days I just can’t concentrate on anything else… and I know when those days happen, I’ll do anything to make it stop.’ 

More tears fell from her eyes and Remus could help but feel a lump in his own throat, he wanted nothing more than to scoop her fragile body up and wrap his whole body around hers, to keep her safe and warm and happy. 

‘Why did this happen to me?’ She asked, her tears were threatening to turn into sobs.

‘Because you were brave,’ Remus couldn’t quite keep a hold of all of his own tears and felt them falling down his cheek. ‘Because your mother was brave and most importantly of all, this happened to you, because you are the only person in the world who could ever hope to survive. Not only survive, but to live a full and rich life despite it. That’s why this happened to you Rosaline, because it could only happen to best of us.’

Rosaline shook her head a little. ‘I wish I could believe that right now… but it hurts too much.’ 

Remus closed his eyes, not being able to stand being so close to her and be unable to do anything about it. He wanted to hold her, he wanted to kiss her, he wanted every patch of her skin to be covered warmth and love and all pain to be a forgotten memory. But he did nothing, Remus sat and hoped he had the strength to get her through without giving into his desires.

‘Rosaline, I want to help you.’ Remus begged. ‘I don’t want you to be in pain or have to go through that alone, I know what that’s like and I know that no matter how bad it feels, it’s always worse when you’re alone. Please don’t feel like you have to be alone anymore.’ 

Rosaline gave what could only be described as a half smile. ‘I don’t feel alone when I’m with you.’ 

Remus was sure Rosaline caught his instinctive movement towards her, but he stopped himself before he made it obvious. If this had been any other situation, any other person in any other place, Remus would kiss her, he would touch her, he would hold her, he would take her to bed and he would make love to her. But this wasn’t a line he could overstep, he’d betrayed Dumbledore once and taken advantage of his trust, he wouldn’t do it again, he couldn’t.

‘I’m happy you feel that way.’ Remus smiled, what else was he supposed to say? ‘It means you trust me, and I hope I can prove to you that your trust means as much to me as it does you.’ It was her turn to simply smile and close her eyes for a moment. ‘Rosaline, you do trust me, don’t you?’

She took a moment to think, before opening her eyes. ‘I’ve only trusted one other person in my life and she died protecting me… I’m scared the same thing will happen to you. Promise me, it won’t.’

Remus took a deep breath. ‘I can’t promise that Rosaline, I feel a need to protect you and I don’t know what lengths that extends to, but I can promise that I will not leave you of my own accord… is that enough?’

Rosaline smiled gently. ‘It’s enough.’ She said and again Remus was struck by how pretty she was, her long lashes stuck together slightly from her tears, but it didn’t take away from the shape of her watery green eyes, her freckles weren’t spoiled by the redness of her cheeks and her soft pink lips were not ruined by the slight cracks where they had dried. She was perfect in every sense and Remus knew he was in so much trouble, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to care. ‘Do you mind if I fall asleep?’ She asked, it seemed to be such a simple request. ‘I’m too tired to move.’

Remus chuckled. ‘Of course, I’ll be here if you need me.’ Remus nodded and watched her rest her head against the cushioned fabric of the armchair. Remus waved his hand to reduce the flames and quieten the room for her. 

He automatically picked up his book, but when he heard the soft breathing coming from the opposite armchair, he forgot all about what he was reading and turned all of his attention to watching Rosaline sleep. He was glad to see she had no nightmares to speak of and seemed to enjoy the rest she was getting while she was able to get it. Remus wondered idly if there was a reason beyond a mutual connection over pain, that enabled her to trust him so easily. It was a distant hope, but one Remus occasionally found himself entertaining when he was alone. 

He carried her through the fire to her bedroom and carefully placed her down, remembering how sensitive her skin was and trying not to irritate it at all. He slipped her shoes off and pulled the soft sheets up over her sleeping figure. Remus hesitated for a moment, before taking a chance and placing a small kiss against her temple, her skin was beautifully smooth, and he felt a rush of anger that anything caused something so pure any pain at all. He ran his fingers through her hair and for another moment just listened to the soft breathing that told him she was sleeping peacefully, before leaving her room to head back to his office and distract himself from anymore thoughts of Rosaline Carter.


	10. An Act Of Extreme Bravery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this chapter is a little on the darker side.

The term started up again and Rosaline was a little annoyed at the new wave of overwhelming crowds of people chatting about how the holidays went. She often took herself away from such chatter and spent time between the shelves in the library. She’d found a few books on vanishing cabinets and it was enough to distract her from the waves of pain that overtook her body. 

Rosaline’s new favourite pastime had become listening to music in her room and making repairs on the Quidditch team’s broomsticks. Oliver had caught her making complex repairs to her own Nimbus 1700, making it fly better than the 2001 model, once he’d seen the improvements, he demanded that she look at everyone’s brooms to make them better. She even had a crack at Harry’s broken Nimbus 2000, since McGonagall confiscated his Firebolt for unknown reasons. 

Harry tested it himself during a short Quidditch training session, the snow hadn’t lifted yet and McGonagall was wary of the dementors lurking around the grounds. It wasn’t perfect and lost some of the speed in exchange for a solid structure, but it flew and it flew like a half decent broom.

‘That’s damn good work Carter!’ Oliver laughed, watching Harry flying around, occasionally he would lose a little control and Rosaline was a little disappointed in her work. ‘I don’t think he can use it for a match or anything, but it’ll be worth using in training I reckon.’ 

Oliver never usually touched Rosaline, knowing that she wasn’t that sought of person, but he was just astounded at the work she had done and gave her an encouraging pat on the shoulder. Unfortunately, that meant Rosaline had to spend the next minute or so breathing deeply and steadying herself enough to continue training. 

Rosaline had noticed Lupin and Hooch were supervising the training session and it did nothing for anyone’s concentration, they were worried that the presence of two teachers meant there was a real reason for it. 

Oliver eventually called the session to an end when it was clear the snow was about to get heavier, no one complained and they headed into the locker room to shower and change. Rosaline was usually the last to leave, but Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet all waited for her so that they could walk back to the castle together. Rosaline was surprised, but none of the other girls made it seem like an abnormality and instead tried to include her in their conversation. It was the first time Rosaline felt like she really was a part of the team.

‘Rosaline!’ Oliver called, the boys were all waiting with Lupin and Hooch to be escorted back to the castle together. Lupin gave her a warm smile and it made Rosaline feel brave for a while. ‘Do you think you could make anymore improvements to Potter’s broom? Maybe make it fit for flying in a match, it’ll be a shame if he has get one out of the old broom cupboard.’

‘I’ll try.’ Rosaline nodded and tried not to get too overwhelmed by the attention she was being given by the rest of the team.

‘What do you mean improvements?’ Hooch cut in. ‘Wood, are you admitting to cheating?’

‘No!’ Oliver exclaimed and Rosaline noticed Lupin’s amused smile. ‘Rosaline fixed Harry’s Nimbus 2000, you remember everyone said it couldn’t fixed, well apparently it can, because she did it.’

‘I have to confirm Rosaline’s talent for repairing things.’ Lupin said in his low, warm voice. ‘I’ve seen the evidence for myself Rolanda, she’s very good.’ 

‘Well, that remains to be seen Remus.’ Madam Hooch hated to be on the wrong side of an argument and would often let her frustration out in the form of deducting points for no apparent reason. 

The team began to head back to the castle with Lupin walking a little further towards the back of the group, mostly to keep an eye on Rosaline and she could feel his eyes on the back of her neck. It was only the slight discomfort at that which distracted her from the pain surging through her body in harsher and harsher waves. 

‘Oh my god!’ Alicia exclaimed as they were walking past the lake. She was looking out at something close to the edge of the lake. From where Rosaline was standing it looked like some first years had wandered too far out unable to tell the difference between the snowy ground and the icy lake. The ice was too thin to be walked on and the first years were shouting about something beneath the water.

Rosaline immediately looked to Hooch to do something about the student trapped beneath the ice, but she was just stunned. Lupin was already making strides over to them, but then so was the rest of the Quidditch team.

‘Get back!’ Lupin shouted to the first years who were still yelling for their friend. Rosaline could see the young boy losing consciousness beneath the ice.

Lupin didn’t hesitate in taking his cloak off, getting ready to go in after the student, but it was taking too long and it looked as if the boy had already lost consciousness. Rosaline slipped her shoes and jumper off, seeing the hole where he fell through and sprinted across the ice, ignoring Lupin’s angry yells. 

Rosaline cast the bubble head charm as her body hit the freezing water, she could just about see the boy sinking further and further down. She was used to staying calm when the pain became too much to bear and so she was able to reach the boy and cast another bubble head charm on him, forcing the water out of his lungs and air into them.

The boy’s eyes snapped open and he began to panic, Rosaline tried to keep him calm. 

‘Breathe.’ She tried to say, but all noise was dulled by the water. It was clear that the boy was panicking because he couldn’t swim, that was going to be a problem. He suddenly pointed behind Rosaline and she turned to see a swarm of Grindylows swimming hard towards them. She pointed her wand towards them and stunned them. ‘Your wand.’ She said and searched the boy’s robes for his wand, her fingers were stiffening up and his weren’t much better. Rosaline finally found it and cast a temporary sticking charm so that he didn’t let go. She pointed it upwards and at an angle so that he would shoot out of the ice and towards the ground surrounding the lake. ‘Keep breathing.’ She said and sent him out of the icy water.

Rosaline went to cast her own escape when the Grindylows, having shaken off the stunner, surrounded her, scratching and clawing at her skin. She was on fire, she was sure of it, her skin was tearing open and fire was pouring out. The creatures bite and scratched her, she tried to fight back, to break the brittle fingers, but her own fingers were too stiff.

There was a sudden surge of energy that ran through her body as she begged herself to send off another stunner, it seemed to expand outwards from her body and the Grindylows were once again stunned. Rosaline couldn’t hesitate this time, she pointed her wand in what she thought was roughly the same direction as the first year and willed herself out of the water.

Rosaline couldn’t figure out how close the surface was and instead of breaking the ice before she hit it, her body burst through and the fractured ice pierced whatever skin hadn’t been bitten by the Grindylows.

It was a nightmare, the night her mother died, it was happening all over again, she could feel the blood in her throat from her screams, she could feel her body setting alight once again and she knew at any moment she would lose all hope of being found. Rosaline was dying.

Remus had sent the first year up to the castle with Hooch and some of the Quidditch team, including Harry, Katie, Alicia and the Weasley beaters the only people who had refused to go were Oliver and Angelina, but there was no way he was letting them go in the lake as well. The only word the first year seemed capable of was ‘Grindylow’ and Rosaline’s absence confirmed Remus’s worst fears that she was trapped by a swarm of them. 

He was already taking his jacket off to go in after her, when the ice burst a few feet from where he was standing and Rosaline came shooting out of it, screaming loudly and writhing around with cuts and bite covering her body. Remus sprinted over to her and tried to assess what to do first, while Grindylow bites weren’t fatal, they were incredibly painful and Rosaline was already suffering.

‘Oliver, my cloak.’ Remus ordered. ‘Angelina, we need to warm her up, do you know the spell?’ The young Chaser gave a panicked nod. ‘I need you to cast it on her clothes and only her clothes, while I try and calm her down, do not heat the skin. Do you understand?’ She gave another panicked nod and got to work as best she could.

‘Shouldn’t you try and heal her?’ Oliver exclaimed and returned with Remus’s thick cloak.

‘It’ll be easier once she’s calm. Heat it up for me.’ He ordered and Angelina was still trying to cast the heat charm. ‘Rosaline, Rosaline, I need you to listen to me.’ Remus slid her jumper beneath her head so that she didn’t hurt herself anymore than she already had. ‘Rosaline, remember to breathe.’ He carefully held her face to look at him and there was a split second where she was able to recognise him. ‘Rosaline, deep breaths, you have to manage the pain, don’t let it take over, it doesn’t control you. Breathe for me, nice and slow, just breathe, Rosaline.’ She eventually stopped screaming, but she couldn’t stop her body writhing or bleeding out. He wasn’t that skilled in healing wounds, but he could do enough to get her to the hospital wing, it was just difficult when she was resisting him so much and he couldn’t risk Oliver and Angelina holding her down and doing more damage.

Rosaline grasped his shirt and began begging him to make it stop, she was losing control. ‘Please, please make it stop. I can’t do this, make it stop please.’

‘Rosaline, you need to help me do that, you need to breathe.’

‘Just kill me, please, just kill me. Make everything stop. I don’t want to do this anymore!’ She cried hard and Remus felt himself failing her. He couldn’t, he couldn’t fail her, he could never let her go.

‘Rosaline, listen to me.’ Remus held her face. ‘Listen, you survived for a reason, don’t let this stop you from finding out why.’ Her eyes began focussing on his for just a moment. ‘Have courage, Rosaline. Breathe for me.’ It seemed to be enough for Remus to bandage up the rest of her wounds, but it was clear she was still in so much pain, it was crippling. ‘That’s it, that’s it, you’re doing just fine. Just keep breathing, Rosaline, keep it steady and try to relax. You know what to do, you’ve done it a thousand times.’ Remus kept repeating to her and eventually Rosaline could only focus on her breathing, she couldn’t move or even open her eyes, she just whispered her mantra over and over again until her grip loosened on his jacket. ‘Oliver, my cloak.’ Remus brought Oliver and Angelina back to the present. ‘Angelina, we need to be very careful here, she’s highly sensitive right now and there is a risk that we could make things worse.’

‘What do I do?’ Angelina had a new determination that Remus recognised as a trademark Gryffindor. She was brave and willing to do the hard things. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus gently whispered to her. ‘I need you to focus, you need to concentrate on your breathing. Your temperature is far too low and we need to get you to the castle quickly.’ Remus gave her a moment to absorb what he was saying. ‘I’m going to carry you, but it will be difficult for you for just a few moments, but I promise once its over, the rest is easy. Do you understand me?’

She closed her eyes for just a second and moved in a way that said she’d rather not do anything, but eventually nodded.

‘Okay, keep your eyes closed, I want you to think about the morning of Christmas Eve. Remember what you did that morning and take a deep breath for me.’ Remus could see her focussing on the morning and she started to take deeper and deeper breaths. ‘Angelina, the cloak shouldn’t irritate her skin, but your hands will, so I need you and Oliver to help me wrap it around her. Can you do that?’ 

They both nodded and as gently as they could, the two of them helped Remus lift Rosaline’s fragile figure into his arms and wrapped his thick, warm cloak around her body. Once she was settled against his chest, she was able to focus much more easily on the morning of Christmas Eve when she was the happiest Remus had ever seen her, she breathed deeply all the way back up to the castle. 

By the time they arrived Pomfrey was still dealing with the first year and the team had been sent back to Gryffindor Tower. Oliver and Angelina helped Remus get Rosaline into a bed and closed the curtain around her. 

‘I want you both to go back to the Tower now,’ Remus panted, he was a little exhausted as he began guiding the Quidditch players away from Rosaline’s bed. ‘I want you to tell everyone that Rosaline is fine and she is just suffering minor injuries and cold shock.’ They both looked at him as if it was a ridiculous request. ‘You are both aware that Rosaline is easily overwhelmed by masses of attention, this will be a hard enough ordeal for her without everyone getting worried for no reason.’

‘I don’t think it’s for no reason, professor.’ Oliver exclaimed.

‘Rosaline will be fine once she is seen by Madam Pomfrey,’ Remus used his more commanding tone to put the protests to rest. ‘In the meantime, we need to take her needs into account, those include keeping her ailments out of the public eye. Do you understand what I am asking of you?’

‘But Professor-‘

‘We understand.’ Angelina cut across Oliver, she was a little quicker to catch on to what Remus was asking and began leading Oliver away. 

Madam Pomfrey soon went over to deal with the Grindylow bites and she eventually decided to put Rosaline to sleep, but not before Remus made sure she wouldn’t have any nightmares. 

‘Please don’t leave me.’ She cried, the pain was washing over her in waves, Remus could see it, but she was still keeping her breath steady and slow. Remus gently stroked her hair, hoping it would help the way it always does. 

‘I won’t, I won’t leave.’ Remus promised. ‘I’ll be right here when you wake up tomorrow. Just rest, keep thinking about all those good moments you had over Christmas and everything will be fine, I promise.’ 

It took her a moment to believe him, but Remus did his best to be as reassuring as he could and eventually she nodded. Pomfrey took over and sent her to sleep, but Rosaline never took her eyes off of Remus, she needed the comfort and the consistency of a stable friendship. 

‘I cannot understand what would possess her to jump in after the boy without a second thought.’ McGonagall exclaimed, the shrillness of her voice penetrating Remus’s ears as Dumbledore and Pomfrey entered into the hospital wing office. 

‘Well, we won’t find out for sure until she wakes up,’ Remus spoke calmly. ‘But I would say she just didn’t want to see him drown or suffer the same fate she did.’

‘But to jump into what I can only imagine was freezing temperatures, for the sake of a boy she barely knows-‘

‘She doesn’t know him.’ Remus interrupted, causing even more shock from the Transfiguration teacher. ‘Rosaline hardly knows anyone. She knows the people in her year and the Quidditch teams, beyond that she doesn’t socialise enough to make any friends beyond those circles.’ Remus sighed and the Headmaster eyed him carefully. ‘Rosaline didn’t know him, but decided to take it upon herself to save him regardless.’

‘An act of extreme bravery.’ Dumbledore concluded.

‘Yes.’ Remus nodded. ‘I feel there is a lot more to that young woman than even I have had the chance to find out.’

There was a silence around the office for an uncomfortable moment or two. Remus wasn’t feeling the effects of the cold at all, but then he’d been so panicked that his body had simply ignored the cold and did what he needed to do in order for Rosaline to survive. Pomfrey handed him some kind of potion anyway, but it didn’t seem to do anything.

‘She fixed Harry’s broom.’ Remus suddenly said, sitting back in the chair and running his hand over his face. 

‘She can’t have, it was destroyed beyond repair.’ McGonagall dismissed his statement and it only served to make Remus half laugh.

‘In that case he seems to have acquired another significantly slower Nimbus 2000 with a slightly bent handle and balance issues.’ Remus shot back. ‘I saw it with my own eyes, so did Hooch, who by the way, ran away from the scene at the first chance there was to get away without actually helping Rosaline. The point is, she has built a pensieve, she’s fixed an impossible to fix broom and when we were in Hogsmeade she took a particular interest in Dervish and Banges. I would say she is a natural crafter.’

Dumbledore took a moment to watch Remus. ‘Her talents may be worth exploring, I would like you to speak with her about why she went into the water Remus, but for now, we should let her rest.’ 

Rosaline was kept under observation over the entire weekend, only being woken on the Monday morning when Remus had a free period. He was supposed to be doing some last minute marking, but the whole thing just seemed incredibly tedious and he’d much rather be there for Rosaline. 

He watched her go through her usual routine, but it looked to be more of a struggle than usual, Remus immediately worried that this would be a bad day for her and he didn’t know how to make it better. Pomfrey did what she needed to do and closed the curtain, leaving Remus and Rosaline alone to talk.

‘Rosaline, just remember to breathe.’ Remus encouraged her, but it seemed to be too late. Her body was completely healed from the bites, no residual pain from the Grindylows, but this had nothing to do with the creatures in the lake. He instinctively placed his hand over hers, the soft skin was still cool to the touch and he wondered if this was just her default temperature. ‘Rosaline, please just take a deep breath for me.’ 

Once again Rosaline was able to follow his instruction without any difficult, in fact, it seemed to be the only thing she was able to really focus on. 

‘That’s it.’ Remus smiled. ‘That’s better.’ 

Rosaline took another deep breath and relaxed, closing her eyes and trying to focus on something else. ‘Is he okay?’ She whispered.

‘Michael? Yes, he’s fine.’ Remus watched her green eyes find his. ‘He’s more than fine, there’s a rumour going around that a mermaid had saved him and he’s enjoying the attention from that.’ It was a twitch of a smile at the corner if her mouth and it pleased Remus to no end. ‘I thought you might like that.’

‘Mermaids can’t survive in those temperatures.’ She told him.

‘No, neither can humans for very long.’ Remus raised his eyebrow slightly and she had that look of guilt and shame once again. ‘What you did was extraordinarily brave, Rosaline, and I fear that had you not taken action, Michael would not be alive now to tell his friends about the beautiful mermaid that saved his life… but I can’t deny, I am a little disappointed that you were so willing to put your own life at risk. Why did you do that?’

Rosaline turned away and it was only then that Remus realised, he was still holding her hand and his thumb was tracing over the skin. He wondered why she didn’t ask him to stop, worrying that his rougher hands would irritate her skin and cause the burning sensation she described to him. 

‘I don’t know.’ She mumbled and Remus knew full well that she was lying.

‘Alright, you don’t need to tell me, but I should warn you that Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore are worried about you.’ That caught her attention. ‘I told them you fixed Harry’s broom as well. McGonagall didn’t seem terribly convinced, but the Headmaster is now curious about your hidden talent for repairing things. I think he wants to talk to you about it.’

‘It keeps me distracted.’ Rosaline suddenly said and Remus could see she wanted to cry again. 

‘It helps you manage the pain.’ Remus nodded. ‘Well, that’s understandable. Have you ever come across anything you couldn’t repair?’

‘No.’ She breathed and it was becoming obvious that the pain was beginning to overwhelm her again. 

‘Alright, alright, just stay calm and breathe.’ Remus pulled his chair closer, stroking her hair and her forehead. ‘The worst is over, the bites have healed and this is nothing you haven’t dealt with before. You can do this, Rosaline.’ 

She almost leaned into his touch and Remus felt himself losing his composure once again. He tried to maintain his lie that he was only helping her recover, but by now, he knew it was hardly worth saying to himself. Rosaline was finally calm enough that Remus could take his hand away from her soft hair, she obviously missed the contact and Remus wanted to rectify that, but he just couldn’t do what he really wanted to do.

‘I’m sorry.’ Rosaline whispered and watched him frown. ‘I asked you… to… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…’

Remus knew what she was referring to, she’d asked him to kill her to stop the pain and he was never going to do that, he was never going to help her end her life and he was never going to stop finding a way for her to enjoy life.

‘Rosaline, I understand why you were asking,’ Remus decided to approach this a little differently, careful not to devalue her feelings. ‘I understand that you couldn’t see another way out. But I want you to know that there is another way, there is always another way out if you have the courage to ask for help. I will never refuse you, I will always do my best to help where I can and I will not leave you to go through this alone. I can promise you that.’ 

For a while she was quiet, but Remus could see that she believed him, she knew he was telling the truth because he had yet to provide any evidence that he would break his promises to her and that seemed to be all she was asking of him.

Eventually the headmaster had come to the hospital wing to speak with Rosaline and Remus asked that she try to be honest and if she felt like the conversation was too much, all she needed to do was say so. Remus had a class to teach and it reminded him that he had yet to teach her the patronus charm, they agreed to start trying in the following week and Remus left satisfied that Rosaline was doing better than before.


	11. The Patronus Lesson

Rosaline had thankfully not suffered any repercussions from the lake and as far as Remus could tell she hadn’t been asked too much about it either. It could only mean that she wasn’t being overwhelmed and that was a pleasing sign for her recovery. He’d taken her back to Hogsmeade so that he could stock up on some more chocolate and she was excited to talk to Dominic again who had given her another two albums to listen to.

Remus also took her into Dervish and Banges so that she could see how some of the equipment was repaired. He was pleased to find that Rosaline soaked up the information like a sponge and he had no doubt that she would remember every spell they taught her perfectly.

It was clear in their first lesson in learning the patronus charm that she was still having frequent bad days, but she had kept her promise to go and see Remus and talk about it whenever she woke up feeling like that. He tried to find things that helped her get through the days and music was what he found worked best, occasionally catching her mouthing the words to the songs.

‘Okay, let’s try this music.’ Remus said, wandering over to his gramophone that he’d set up for their lesson in the evening a couple of weeks after she had been released from the hospital wing. He put on something a little more soothing and non-invasive, he didn’t want her to rely on the music to help her produce the charm, he wanted her to make her own happiness in order to fight the dementors. 

He positioned the dementor dummy more central and Rosaline was clearly nervous about trying the incantation for the first time. 

‘Right, Rosaline, I want you to find a happy memory,’ Remus stood between her and the dummy. ‘Close your eyes and search your mind for a time where you were the happiest you can remember.’ He watched her eyes moving quickly beneath her lids, her pretty lashes twitching over the top of her freckled skin. Remus swallowed thickly and refocussed himself. ‘Once you’ve found the memory, I want you to step inside it and replay it in your head, allow everything about it to fill you up, allow the joy to surround you and let the feeling overwhelm you.’ He could see it was working, whatever she was replaying was bringing out a small smile, her pink lips stretching into something incredibly beautiful. ‘When you’re ready, I want you to open your eyes and speak the incantation “expecto patronum”.’

Remus gave her another moment. Her green eyes flickered open and he could see the remnants of the happiness. 

‘Expecto patronum.’ Rosaline said quietly. 

Remus stepped to one side and brought the dummy a little further towards her. ‘Hold onto that happy feeling. Be brave.’ 

He stood behind her, watching as she brought her pale wand up, the dummy was edging closer towards her and Remus thought for a moment she would say the incantation, but instead Rosaline shuffled backwards, forcing Remus to stop everything and stand between her and the dummy.

‘Rosaline, you need to keep a firmer grip on the memory.’ He said, pushing the dummy back to it’s original position. Remus turned to see her frowning slightly. ‘Start from the beginning, close your eyes again.’ There was a hesitation in her movements before she eventually closed her eyes and sighed. ‘Step into your memory, take the time to feel your way around your surroundings, picture the details as clearly as you can and once again allow it to fill you up.’ 

It seemed to be more of an effort this time to picture the memory clearly, but eventually she relaxed into it and Remus slowly moved behind her as the dummy edged forward.

‘Feel the joy, Rosaline.’ Remus said, quietly. ‘The second you open your eyes I want you to cast the charm. Whenever you’re ready.’

He watched her for a few moments, before she raised her pale wand once again.

Rosaline hesitated before speaking. ‘Expecto patronum.’ It was no use, she stepped back as she said the words and Remus stepped forward again to place himself between her and the dummy. 

When he turned around, she still had her wand up and was panting slightly. Remus slowly moved her wand to the side so that it wasn’t directly pointed at him and watched her come back to the room.

‘I’m going to adjust the dummy so that you can’t feel the negative effects quite so much.’ Remus stated, watching a thin layer of sweat build on her forehead. ‘Out of interest, what memory are you using? If you don’t mind telling me?’

Rosaline swallowed, lowering her wand and coming back fully into the room with him.

‘It was, erm…’ she shook her head and swallowed. ‘I… when we went to Hogsmeade… and met Dominic.’ 

‘Your happiest memory is of meeting Dominic?’ Remus confirmed. Rosaline nodded, but they both knew it probably wasn’t good enough. 

‘Well…’ Rosaline suddenly said, frowning and looking away from Remus. ‘There’s… there might be another one… but I don’t know if I should use it… if it’s… not exactly happy…’ she trailed off and was about to give up on the idea when Remus interrupted.

‘Let’s try it.’ He said. ‘Just once and if it doesn’t work, then you don’t have to worry about whether you should use it or not.’ 

Eventually Rosaline nodded and Remus had put off giving her any chocolate because he wanted her to try and make her own good feeling. He adjusted the dummy so that it didn’t emit as much negative energy and took her through the motions once again.

‘…allow the memory to fill you up, feel every detail, make it real again.’ Remus could see that whatever memory she was unsure about was filling her with a lot more joy than the previous one. ‘Focus on the details, Rosaline and when you’re ready open your eyes and cast the spell.’ 

Remus noticed that her thumb was gently rubbing the back of her other hand in a similar way the he had done while she was in the hospital wing. He felt his heart drop, realising that the memory she was using might have included him, Remus quickly argued how incredibly unlikely that was. He stepped back, watching the dummy edge closer once again.

‘Expecto patronum.’ Rosaline lifted her wand and what looked like a very thin and easily breakable sheet of white smoke appeared in front of her for a few moments, before disappearing. Remus darted forward and pushed the dummy back. He turned to see Rosaline smiling to herself and he could not have been prouder.

‘Well done, Rosaline.’ Remus cheered and pushed the dummy right back towards his desk. ‘Fantastic work.’

Rosaline panted and Remus invited her to sit on the step leading up to his desk for a moment. He quickly rummaged in his cardigan for some chocolate and handed her a piece.

‘I think you’ve found something that works.’ Remus said, but watched as a small frown appeared between her eyes. ‘What’s wrong?’

Rosaline shook her head for a moment, before finding her courage. ‘I… I don’t think I should use it… it’s not, erm… I just think I should find something else.’

Remus nodded, he didn’t want to force her, but he wanted her to feel free to tell him if something was making her uncomfortable. ‘Okay, well, can I ask why you feel you can’t use this memory? Is it something that is difficult to remember?’ Rosaline shook her head. ‘Something that makes you feel ashamed or guilty?’ 

‘Yes.’ She breathed and Remus could see a small wave of pain wash through her before she refocused. 

‘Okay.’ Remus thought how best to approach this situation. ‘Why don’t we try something a little different?’ Rosaline looked at him. ‘Without knowing what the memory is, I can’t help you feel any differently about it, but maybe that won’t matter. Your wand is made of pine, am I correct?’ Rosaline nodded. ‘It’s a wood notable for it’s creativity, what’s the core?’

‘Phoenix feather.’

‘Really?’ Remus smiled. ‘Well, that is an impressive instrument. You remember I told you that we might be able to create something happy for you to use?’ She nodded again. ‘Well, why don’t we try it? I won’t make you tell me the memory and I won’t force you to do this, but maybe you should take the time over the next week to think about the details that make you happiest and try to make something new out of it. Does the memory involve a person?’

‘Yes.’

‘And does this person make you feel ashamed about who you are at all?’

‘No, he doesn’t.’

‘Well, that seems like a good place to start.’ Remus smiled. ‘Think about this person, think about them doing something else that doesn’t make you feel ashamed or guilty and we’ll see if it works next week.’

Rosaline wasn’t sure at first, but she didn’t refuse and soon Remus was walking her back to Gryffindor Tower.

‘I want you to know,’ Remus stopped at the bottom of the stairs just as she was about to walk up. ‘Whatever memory you feel so ashamed of, if it brings you such joy, maybe it isn’t as bad as you think it is and if it helps you to defend yourself against the dementors, then maybe it’s worth exploring.’

Rosaline’s eyes narrowed slightly as she tried to work out something. ‘You want me to tell you the memory, don’t you?’

Remus sighed and leaned on the bannister. ‘I think it would help me to know how to help you, but I will not force you to say anything, especially not if you feel this strongly about it.’

‘I don’t want you to know.’ She said immediately.

‘Then don’t tell me.’ Remus shot back. ‘I won’t try to convince you otherwise, but you can trust me to help you, Rosaline. You can always trust me to help you.’

Rosaline took a moment to watch him, possibly to check whether he was telling the truth, but nothing about what she found contradicted his words and she was satisfied.


	12. Breakthrough Charm

Over the next couple of weeks, Rosaline had tried hard to create something new from the small details that Remus told her to focus on, but it seemed nothing was strong enough to produce anything more than the thin sheet of white smoke. Remus still didn’t know what exactly it was she was using so was finding it difficult to help her in anyway.

Rosaline was getting progressively more frustrated as well and it only weakened her patronus, the more upset she became about it.

‘Okay,’ Remus stood up from the step leading to his desk. ‘Let’s go back to the beginning.’ He said as Rosaline let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Close your eyes and refocus on the individual-

‘I don’t think this is going to work.’ She suddenly interrupted. It was a very uncharacteristic thing for her to do and it only told Remus that she was at the end of her patience. ‘I think I’ve done the best I can.’ It was a much quieter admission.

‘You think that’s the best patronus you are capable of?’ Remus asked, stepping a little closer to her. Rosaline nodded and that same wave of pain washed over her, the one that said she was getting tired. ‘You think that someone who is a natural crafter, capable of extreme periods of concentration and wildly talented and creative beyond even her own recognition, cannot produce a fully corporeal patronus?’

Rosaline gave an annoyed look. ‘I can’t do it.’

‘Yes, you can,’ Remus argued gently. ‘The only thing that is stopping you is the shame you feel surrounding your memory, if we can somehow remove that then I have absolutely no doubt that you will be able to perform a fully corporeal and very powerful patronus.’

Rosaline tapped her wand lightly in her hand and wandered over to a bookshelf to the side of the room, thinking on her memory. ‘It’s not the… person exactly… or even what happens… it’s the way it makes me feel that…’ Her voice was so soft, Remus needed to take a careful step towards her just to hear her words. ‘He makes me feel things that I don’t think I should feel.’

‘Like what?’ Remus asked, just as softly.

Rosaline opened her mouth for a moment, before closing it and thinking better of answering.

‘Rosaline, no one has to know.’ Remus took another step towards her, her green eyes rose sharply to his and panic sat just behind them. ‘No one needs to know if you don’t want them to.’ Her panic seemed to subside slightly. ‘May I ask a slightly forward question? This individual, do you… like him?’ Rosaline frowned slightly and went to answer. ‘Wait, let me clarify and remember you don’t have to answer if you really don’t want to… are you attracted to this person?’ Rosaline quickly looked away and tried to hide her face turning a furious shade of red. ‘I see,’ Remus smiled, confusing her a little more. ‘Being attracted to someone isn’t shameful, Rosaline. It’s wonderful.’ He took another step towards her, trying to convince her that it was okay. 

‘I don’t know…’ Rosaline shook her head. ‘It still doesn’t make me feel right when I think about it.’

‘May I ask if you’ve ever felt this way before? About someone else?’

The question seemed to be the tipping point for her frustration. ‘I don’t even know how I feel! I don’t know what it is!’ She snapped. Remus immediately took the last couple of steps towards her to place his hand on her shoulder, which calmed her down almost instantly. 

‘Alright, okay, that’s fine.’ Remus said, noticing how she took control of her breathing once again. ‘I won’t ask any more questions.’ He decided it was time to take a chance. ‘My happy memory, the most powerful one I have revolves around something similar to shame,’ Remus was trying to be careful about how he approached the situation. ‘I feel great shame about the trust I betrayed in order to feel the way I did, but when fighting the dementors, I try not to concentrate on my betrayal and instead focus on how wonderful the rest of it made me feel… I’ve never told anyone the details of my memory, because no one needs to know them, Rosaline.’

‘You betrayed someone?’ 

Remus felt his heart swell to an uncomfortable size. ‘It’s the only time I have ever done so.’ He should have predicted that she would latch onto that particular part of his explanation. ‘I don’t ever intend to feel that way again, because like you, I find the shame of it can be a little much to bear.’ She seemed slightly more settled, but not entirely. ‘Rosaline, I don’t ever intend to betray your trust, not even Dumbledore knows any of what you have told me, aside from what you have permitted me to say and believe me he is very curious.’ Remus half laughed, but it didn’t even pull a smile from her. ‘Rosaline, what I’m trying to say, is that when in a situation like facing dementors, you need to put aside your feelings of shame and guilt, those things can be repaired with time and effort, but what a dementor can do to you cannot be so easily repaired.’

It took her a while, but eventually Rosaline turned and nodded. ‘Okay, I’ll try.’ 

Remus gently placed his hand on her lower back, guiding her to the centre of the room again, she was still a little hesitant, but eventually she was in position and Remus started the soothing music again. 

‘Ready?’ Remus asked and she gave a slightly unconvinced nod. ‘Close your eyes,’ she began following his instructions. ‘I’m going to try something a little more specific now, but just remember we can stop any time…’ Remus came to stand in front of her. ‘I want you to clear your mind of everything, a blank slate… start to focus on a place you enjoy being, picture your surroundings as clearly as you can, if you’re outside is there a wind blowing? If you’re inside, is it warm? What can you see? What can you smell? What can you hear? This place can be anywhere you like Rosaline, anywhere that makes you feel comfortable…’ he gave her a moment to picture her happy place. ‘Now I want you to picture this man entering into the scene, focus on the details, how does he walk? Does he smile in a particular way? Does he approach immediately or wait until you give him permission? Do you even mind either way?... allow him to approach, to position himself next to you… focus on how he makes you feel, just on the way he makes you feel…’ Remus tried to be clear in his instruction, hoping it would help her avoid feeling the shame. It seemed to work, because her whole body relaxed and a small smile was threatening to appear. ‘Allow yourself to become absorbed in his presence, think about every detail of his face, his eyes, his hair, his smile, the sound of his voice, everything, focus on the features you enjoy the most… the more real you can make it, the more powerful it will be…’ Remus watched her eyes dart around beneath her lids as she picture the stranger’s face, a bigger smile appeared on her face and Remus knew that she was probably ready to try again. ‘I won’t bring the dummy forward just yet, instead, I just want you to cast the spell… whenever you’re ready, Rosaline.’ 

It took another moment or two before Rosaline showed a real smile, making Remus become almost hypnotised by her face. He sat on the edge of his step and continued to watch her concentrate on the image he’d helped her create.

‘Expecto patronum.’ She said, lifting her wand gently to see something resembling a four-legged animal bursting from the tip. It wasn’t quite corporeal yet, but it was definitely a large animal with paws.

‘That’s it.’ Remus cheered and stood up, observing both a smiling Rosaline and her patronus which looked more than enough to defend herself against dementors. ‘Hold that thought, keep a tight hold, just a little longer.’ He encouraged and for just a moment while he spoke, the image became a little clearer. Remus had a very good idea of what form it would take, but without something more powerful, he couldn’t exactly be certain. 

Remus moved to get a better look, frowning slightly as it soon began to fade away into nothingness. ‘I couldn’t hold it any longer, I’m sorry.’ 

It was suddenly very apparent that Rosaline was upset, tears were streaming out of her face and Remus jumped into action, wrapping his arms around her gently, being careful not to irritate her skin or hold her too tightly. 

‘It’s alright, it’s okay, Rosaline.’ Remus said, quietly against her dark hair. ‘It’s alright, I won’t make you do it again.’ He felt her hands tightly curling into his cardigan and shaking along with her quiet sobs. ‘It was a wonderful patronus and it was very close to being corporeal.’ Remus dragged his fingers through her hair, thinking on the shape of her patronus and hoping his actions were helping her calm down somewhat. 

He kept her close for a little while longer while he thought about it, unsure of quite how long they stood there for.

‘I’m very proud of you.’ He whispered into her soft hair, he only noticed at that moment it smelt like something delicate, jasmine, possibly. ‘I know that must have been difficult, but I feel a lot better about you wandering around on your own, now that I know it is possible for you to produce something as powerful as that.’ He heard her sniffing and was suddenly aware that his fingers were no longer dragging through her hair, but now he was gently massaging the back of her neck with his fingertips and his other hand was wrapped around her small waist.

Rosaline had stopped crying and now was simply still and relaxed in his embrace. For a moment, he imagined a life where this was okay, natural and entirely wanted by Rosaline, but he needed to focus and remember his place as her teacher. She liked someone else anyway, someone her own age who made her feel good, it was the best he could have asked for.

‘I think that’s enough for tonight.’ Remus suddenly had the urge to kiss the top of her head, but stopped himself before, it was just a line he couldn’t cross. He gently peeled himself away, feeling no resistance from her as he did and led her to sit on the step, handing her a piece of chocolate. 

Remus gave her a moment to herself while he put the dummy away and reset the room. Rosaline seemed to be very focussed on what was going on in her head. Remus took a breath suddenly realising how many times he’d found himself alone with Rosaline, and in a position where he could have forgotten himself and not cared in the slightest. 

‘You’re still feeling ashamed?’ Remus asked and Rosaline just closed her eyes tightly. He sighed and wandered a little closer to her. ‘Rosaline, I promise you, what you feel for this person is one of the most natural things in the world and should be embraced with everything you have.’

‘Is that what you would do?’ Rosaline asked and it was suddenly very apparent that she was more frustrated than upset. ‘If you liked someone but it made you feel bad, would you embrace it?’

Remus was at a loss. The question itself was exactly what he was experiencing with his feelings for Rosaline, it was exactly why he felt so guilty about his position in the school and it was also why he found himself unable to care when he held her. His silence spoke volumes and Rosaline just sniffed and looked away.

‘I think I should go.’ She said and made a move to get up, but Remus quickly stepped to stop her going too far, lifting his hand to touch her arm lightly. 

‘Wait, Rosaline…’ he paused, quickly trying to organise his thoughts. ‘I know that it’s difficult for… my position as a teacher makes some things difficult to talk about and I know you understand that, but please know that since I have come here… I don’t feel like your teacher.’ Rosaline frowned and turned a little more towards Remus, her pretty green eyes flickering over his face. ‘I just mean that if we were in other circumstances, if we’d met elsewhere, it would be easier for us to talk about some things, we would be able to talk a little more freely.’ She frowned again and Remus knew he wasn’t making himself very clear, he ran his hand over her shoulder, knowing that he was treading a fine line. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to answer your questions, but there are rules in place that prevent us being able to be honest about certain things.’

Rosaline scanned his face again and he honestly didn’t mind that she looked at him in such detail. ‘I understand that, I just don’t want to try again tonight.’ 

Remus didn’t believe her, there was something else going on, but he wouldn’t push the subject and risk the trust she had put in him. He let her head back up to the Tower on her own, despite it being past curfew and allowed her a little space to think for a while.


	13. A Glimpse Of Life

Remus was upset to find that Rosaline had yet to make another appearance in one of his classes since their last Patronus lesson. He’d acquired the Marauder’s Map from Harry of all people, stating how angry he was that he was possession of something that could have cost his life should the map have found it’s way into Black’s hands. 

Remus decided to use it to keep an eye on both Harry and Rosaline, the latter of which seemed to spend most of her time in her room. He could understand her desire for solitude since their last encounter, but wondered if she was keeping herself occupied and happy while she was alone. 

Rosaline still went to Quidditch practice and she still played the games, the only time Remus was ever truly concerned was a match where she got hit with both bludgers simultaneously at the end of the match. The rain was lashing down as it had been for the last week, so she was probably freezing cold before she got hit and fell through the air towards the ground of the Quidditch pitch. 

Remus was the first to react and caught her just before she made contact with the hard ground, that was when Hooch and Pomfrey took over and got her to the hospital wing. By the time Remus had found his way through the crowd to see if she was alright, it was evident she had lost consciousness possibly as soon as she was hit, it was the only thing settling his fears about how much pain she was in.

Angelina Johnson was standing with her arm in a sling, clearly very upset by Rosaline’s appearance in the hospital wing.

‘She wasn’t supposed to play.’ The Chaser told Remus. ‘Rosaline went to Oliver to ask him to put her on the substitute bench, said she wanted to take a step back from Quidditch, but with my shoulder still not healed yet, there wasn’t anyone else to step in for me.’ 

Remus just sighed and ran his hand through his damp hair. ‘You shouldn’t worry too much, Rosaline will be fine once she’s been looked at by Madam Pomfrey.’ Remus wasn’t sure how much he really believed that, but he tried to be a calming presence. ‘Why don’t you come back and visit tomorrow? I’m sure she’d appreciate it.’

Angelina eventually left the hospital wing and Remus stayed for a few minutes. It looked as though one bludger had caught her left hip and the other had shattered her right shoulder, she had been thrown from her broom by the sheer force of the bludgers hitting her and Remus felt his heart wrench and his mind scattering to somewhere inappropriate. She was incredibly thin, much more so than he remembered and he was so scared that she was skipping more meals than he’d noticed.

He’d left a message with Poppy to let him know when she woke up so that he could finally speak with her since she’d missed his last six classes and three patronus lessons. Nearly a month in total. Remus had given her whatever space she felt she needed, but now he was worried that the space wasn’t healthy, that it was doing more damage than good.

According to Angelina, she’d not spoken to Rosaline since the Quidditch game and not seen her since she was released from the hospital wing. She hadn’t been to another training session while she was still recovering from the bludger hits, but she was required to head back to the hospital wing that evening to have a quick check up. 

Remus decided to watch for her heading down so that he could talk to her, she looked as though she was with Oliver Wood and it suddenly hit him that Oliver might have been the one she used for her happy memory. It may well have been the reason she stuck with the Quidditch team for so long after saying she didn’t enjoy it. Everything seemed to make a lot more sense and Remus was both elated that she had found something to keep her happy, but a sense of disappointment washed over him that he couldn’t be the one she thought about. 

Remus convinced himself to put the disappointment to one side and head down to the hospital wing to make sure she was okay, he had a little news for her that might have cheered her up. The corridors were empty and the rain was still lashing down outside, he enjoyed the fresh smell, but it reminded him of the smell of Rosaline’s hair. 

By the time he’d actually gotten to the hospital wing, he’d found that her check up went quicker than he expected and she and Oliver had already left. He said his brief hellos to Poppy and wandered out to quickly check the map again, she and Oliver were near the courtyard. Remus found himself walking close to where they had stopped on the map, he felt like an idiot for listening in on their conversation.

‘…so, tell me what you want?’ Oliver asked, his voice was low, like they weren’t that far apart. Remus heard her sigh in response, but didn’t say anything. ‘Come on, Rosaline, tell me what I can do to get you back?’ 

Remus frowned, were they already together? It sounded as if they were going through a rough patch in their relationship.

‘I just… it doesn’t make me feel good.’ Rosaline said, her voice shook a little and Remus suddenly worried that Oliver wasn’t the nice young man he thought he was. 

‘Right, well… how do I fix that?’ Oliver was getting desperate and Remus wasn’t sure how much he liked his pushy nature.

‘You can’t.’

‘Please Rosaline.’ Oliver’s voice was slightly raised and Remus thought maybe he should have interrupted. ‘Please, just come back, I promise it’ll fun, we’ll make it fun!’

Remus hated what he was hearing and he felt guilty enough that he was eavesdropping so blatantly, he couldn’t work out what he was doing there feeling jealous in the first place. Remus immediately walked away, he tried to separate himself from the whip of pain that surged through his chest. That was until he felt a sudden chill in the air. Fear trickled down his spine as he ran back to the same spot near the courtyard. 

Rosaline had her wand up and the thinnest wisp of smoke was fading away, Oliver was frozen on the ground, unable to move with three or four dementors descending onto him and Remus hesitated for a fraction of a second.

‘Rosaline!’ He called, first sending a patronus to clear the dementors from Oliver’s limp body. 

He looked back to see Rosaline falling to the ground, staring up at the overwhelming sheet of black. Remus couldn’t leave Oliver where he was and so lifted the young Keeper to safety just inside the corridor of the courtyard.

‘I’ll come back for you, Rosaline.’ Remus promised, he put Oliver down and he turned back to see the remaining dementors closing in on Rosaline’s position. It was too many for even Remus to comfortably defend. ‘Rosaline just hold, I’m coming!’ 

Remus pointed his wand about to cast whatever patronus he could muster, using the image of holding Rosaline in his arms, kissing her and making all pain go away, before he could cast the spell properly, he looked to Rosaline whose body seemed to produce a pure white lioness straight from the middle of her chest and began taking down the six dementors who had threatened to descend on them.

The lioness was beautiful and seemed to move in a similar way to Rosaline apart from the rigidity caused by the pain. Once the sky was clear of dementors, Remus rushed over to Rosaline who was panting and crying, still staring up at the sky.

‘Rosaline,’ Remus carefully placed his hands on her face to force her to look at him, it was still pouring with cold rain, but eventually her pale green eyes finally found his and he sighed in relief. ‘You’re okay, just keep breathing for me.’

‘I’m sorry.’ She whispered.

‘It’s fine, I promise, everything is fine.’ Remus half smiled and heard the sounds of McGonagall and Hagrid coming around the corner to see what had happened. ‘We need to get you to the hospital wing, will you let me help you up?’ 

It took her a moment to nod, but eventually Remus was carefully sliding his arms beneath her shoulders and slowly he began to help her thin shaky body up to her feet. Remus was careful to go at a pace she was comfortable with and encourage her to breathe slowly.

‘That’s it.’ Remus finally got her to her feet, Oliver had been carried straight to the hospital wing. ‘We’ll be alright as soon as we’re out of this rain.’ She stopped just inside the corridor and leaned against the wall, breathing deeply and slowly. Remus gave her a moment, placing his hand gently on her back. ‘You did well Rosaline, like I said before, you only need to hold on for as long as it takes for someone to find you.’

Rosaline didn’t say anything for a moment, before nodding and letting Remus take her to the hospital wing, she seemed to just let him guide her body without really doing much herself.

Poppy was notably worried and did her best to help both Oliver and Rosaline, Remus staying with the latter for as long as she needed him to. Remus was suddenly hit with a realisation that she in fact, didn’t need him as much anymore, not if she had Oliver. Oliver was the better choice for her anyway, he was young and would eventually learn how to treat her properly and if Rosaline could stay patient throughout that, then maybe she had a real chance at a normal life. 

‘Remus.’ She whispered once Poppy had left her to rest for a while. Remus sat forward and smiled, waiting for her to continue her sentence. ‘Will you tell me something happy?’

‘Something happy?’ Remus asked, a little surprised at her willingness to speak. ‘Okay… how about the fact that your patronus is now fully corporeal? A lioness, which is incredibly powerful and incredibly clear which can only mean you’ve found something positive-‘

‘Not that.’ Rosaline suddenly said. ‘I don’t want to talk about my patronus, please don’t make me.’

‘I won’t, I won’t.’ Remus quickly calmed her down and rested his hand on top of hers. ‘We don’t have to say a word about your patronus… something happy.’ Remus said to himself, trying to find some other topic they could use to distract themselves. ‘Ah, yes, Professor Dumbledore has said that Kingsley Shacklebolt is interested in your skills as a craftswoman, or so that’s what he told me this morning.’ Rosaline frowned, truthfully it was the other reason he was eager to find her, he wanted to share the good news. ‘Now, Kingsley is a very good and quite a high ranking Auror, as I understand it he is often chosen to escort the minister to and from Azkaban. The department have been leaking money for years with simple issues such as faulty equipment and since we’ve discovered your particular skillset, he’s interested in meeting with you and possibly taking you on once you leave Hogwarts. Do you think that’s something you might be interested in?’

Rosaline just looked at him, she had a look of disbelief in her eyes and Remus suddenly realised that his hand was still covering hers and the tip of his finger had begun idly stroking her jaw. He took his hand away and composed himself while he waited for her reply.

‘You mean, like a job?’ She still frowned at him.

‘I believe so, yes.’ Remus nodded, clearing his throat a little. ‘Of course, it all depends on what happens if and when you’d like to meet and speak with Kingsley.’

Rosaline was silent for a long time, but Remus was happy to see a smile appear on her face every so often, he was incredibly proud of her patronus and the fact that it was a beautiful, fully grown lioness, only furthered his theory that Rosaline was destined for a good life. He didn’t leave until she had fallen asleep and even then, it was only because Dumbledore was at the door to the hospital wing, angry about the incident and curious about Rosaline. 

‘She’s fine.’ Remus nodded, walking with the headmaster back to his office. ‘She’s a little shaken as you can imagine, but other than that, she’s coping very well.’

‘Her patronus was truly extraordinary Remus, I can only applaud your work in teaching her how to cast the charm.’

‘Admittedly that is the first time it was corporeal,’ Remus gave a small smile. ‘And she’s actually not shown up to any of my classes for the last three or four weeks. I thought I’d pushed her too hard in our last session, but I’m glad she is able to produce something as powerful as that to defend herself with.’

‘A lioness. Truly remarkable.’ Dumbledore mused as they began walking down the corridor outside the Dark Arts classroom. 

‘I told her about Kingsley’s offer as well, thought it might give her something to focus on for a while that wasn’t the dementors.’ Remus explained.

‘That is good news,’ Dumbledore nodded and they stopped outside Remus’s door. ‘I’ll send word and speak with Rosaline about an appropriate time to meet with him if that is something she is truly interested in.’

‘I believe so, yes.’ 

Remus was sure Dumbledore was going to say something else, but he thought better of it and instead said his goodnight, leaving Remus to dwell on how soft Rosaline’s skin was against his fingertip. Remus was annoyed at himself for still thinking of Rosaline in that way, but he was now annoyed at Oliver for being able to have the one thing Remus couldn’t.

Remus spent the next month trying not to get too involved in Rosaline’s life, often allowing her to come to him if she wanted to talk. He didn’t bring up Oliver or their relationship directly, but subtly tried to indicate his joy that she had found someone who made her feel good. It only seemed to confuse her further and so Remus decided to leave the subject for the time being.

The exams were fast approaching and the seventh years were applying for jobs and trying to secure a future for when they left Hogwarts. Rosaline was no different and as he’d heard it, she had met with Kingsley to talk about a potential position in the Aurors department. Remus decided he would take her to the spot in the hills that looked over Hogwarts, just to clear her mind for a while. It was warm enough that Remus just walked with her in his thin cardigan and she was much the same.

‘So, how are you feeling about your exams?’ Remus asked as they sat on a fallen tree trunk and looked out at the stunning view of the Hogwarts grounds. 

‘Okay.’ Rosaline nodded.

‘What about the Quidditch final?’

‘I’ll be glad when it’s over, I think.’ She frowned a little and Remus wondered if he could push the subject of Oliver one final time.

‘Well, I’m sure Oliver has appreciated you staying for him through this year.’ Remus smiled and watched her frown deepen. ‘May I ask about your relationship with Oliver?’ Rosaline’s eyes rose sharply to his. ‘Are you happy?’

Her eyes flickered between his, trying to figure out what he was asking, but he couldn’t have made it any plainer or obvious. Rosaline was quiet for a moment, she looked out at the view and took a breath.

‘He’s been a good friend,’ she said slowly. ‘I don’t think he really understands me though.’

‘Well, people who haven’t experienced the horrors we have, often find them difficult to process.’ Remus understood. ‘But give it time and I’m sure you will both find a way to understand each other.’ 

‘What do you mean?’ Rosaline was suddenly more confused than before.

‘I just mean that, I understand relationships can be difficult and they often take a lot of work, but it shouldn’t mean that you give up-‘

‘I’m not in a relationship with Oliver.’ She seemed to almost be laughing at the notion. Remus just blinked.

‘You’re not?’ 

‘No, he’s just a friend.’ Remus’s error only seemed to make her smile a little wider. Remus couldn’t help his own laugh and whip of embarrassment. ‘You honestly thought that I was going out with Oliver?’

‘I really did, yes.’ Remus confessed. ‘I assumed it was Oliver that you were talking about during your patronus lessons and then when I overheard a conversation between the two of you, it sounded much like you were discussing something personal.’

‘What conversation?’ Rosaline was still chuckling a little.

‘Just before the dementor attack,’ Remus explained. ‘Oliver was talking about making something fun.’ He felt his cheeks warming up a little.

‘He was talking about Quidditch,’ Rosaline laughed again. ‘I told him I wanted to quit the team, but Oliver is obsessed with the game and wants to win so badly, he thought he could bargain with me, he was just trying to make training and the games fun for me.’ 

Remus found himself hypnotised by the way she bit her lower lip to stop herself laughing, he felt his chest inflate with a heat that he knew he would have acted upon, if he’d been anywhere else in the world. God, she was beautiful, everything about her had him flaring with a desire that only seemed to get stronger the longer he remained thinking about her. Remus tried hard to take his eyes away from her pink rosy lips, but was finding it incredibly difficult, it was such a rare thing to see her smiling and he didn’t want to miss a second of it.

It was only the fading of the smile and the slight frown between her eyes that had him tearing his gaze away with some force. He really needed to get a grip of himself and stop thinking about her in that way.

‘What did you think we were talking about?’ She asked and it only made him frown, he couldn’t remember what they had been talking about before he found himself caught out by her beauty. 

It took Remus a moment to regain his composure and look at her again, but the honest answer was doing nothing for how warm he felt beneath his skin. ‘Erm, I think I presumed you were talking about something that should only be discussed between lovers.’ His whole face lit up red and Rosaline wasn’t much better. ‘I’m not so sure this is an appropriate line of conversation.’ He chuckled, but it seemed it was no longer a laughing matter for Rosaline. ‘Perhaps once the school year has ended…’ Remus was suddenly stuck for words. ‘I have deeply enjoyed being your friend, I think it would be a great shame for that to end once you leave Hogwarts.’

‘I…erm…’ Rosaline frowned and Remus wondered if he’d gone too far. ‘I’d really like that. I’ve really liked hanging out with you… I feel a lot better.’ Her voice trailed off towards the end, but Remus heard her loud and clear. ‘I want to ask you a question, but I feel really embarrassed about it… I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.’

‘Of course, you can ask me a question,’ Remus smiled. ‘I’d be more than happy to help if I can.’

Rosaline didn’t speak for a while and Remus thought that she might have changed her mind, he didn’t press her, but Remus couldn’t help watching her as she thought through what she wanted to say. 

Her green eyes looked off into the distance, they were still a little bloodshot and Remus was beginning to think that that was just default. It pained him a little, but then his exhaustion was default for him and he got through life relatively okay. Her hair flowed with the gentle breeze and he could almost feel his fingers gliding through the silky, soft strands, what he wouldn’t give to spend a day simply appreciating the way she felt in his arms. 

Remus wanted so badly to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her, to give her everything she deserved, but that simply wasn’t possible and it broke his heart to think that he may never have had that chance.

Rosaline took a deep breath and Remus was snapped out of his private fantasy. 

‘I think I’m too embarrassed to ask.’ She half laughed and brought her knees up to her chest. 

‘That’s okay.’ Remus felt the slight crack in his voice and quickly cleared his throat. ‘We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.’ She nodded and sighed contently watching the view again. 

‘I like the view.’ She smiled a toothy smile and Remus felt his stomach flip over. Rosaline was just so incredibly beautiful, when she ignored her pain and was fully focussed on the present moment, there was nothing Remus would rather look at in the whole world.

‘It is something.’ Remus agreed and turned his attention back to look at the same thing she was looking at. He suddenly frowned, realising something that hadn’t even crossed his mind before now. ‘So, if you and Oliver are just friends, who’s the lucky man who has managed to capture your affections? And why hasn’t he done the decent thing?’

Rosaline burst out laughing and Remus thought his heart would explode there and then. 

‘Because he doesn’t know.’ She said calming down and biting down on her lip again. Remus suddenly adjusted his position, feeling himself reacting to her. He really needed to regain some kind of control over himself. 

‘May I ask why you haven’t told him?’

‘I told you, it makes me feel bad just thinking about him in that way.’ Her tone was a little more serious, but the remains of her laughing was still visible on her face. ‘Besides, he’s probably not interested in me.’

‘Why wouldn’t he be interested in you?’ Remus frowned.

Rosaline shrugged, showing her younger side with her insecurity. ‘I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me, I’m too much work and I’m not exactly like all the other girls. In case you haven’t noticed, no one is lining up to ask me out.’ She chuckled, but Remus could see the sadness behind it.

‘I think you would be very surprised if you could see yourself the way others do.’ Remus was very aware that he’d lowered his voice and adjusted his position again so that he was a little closer to her, able to feel her shoulder against his arm. Rosaline’s bright green eyes shot up to his and for just a split second his gaze dropped to her slightly parted lips. ‘You are beautiful, Rosaline.’ Remus suddenly felt himself losing his control, he couldn’t allow himself to indulge his fantasy. He took a deep breath and looked back towards the castle, anything to keep his mind focussed and away from obscene thoughts about Rosaline. 

‘Do you really think so?’

‘I do.’ Remus said, without even thinking, but he figured he was done for, even she wasn’t oblivious to the way he really felt about her. ‘I think you look an extraordinary amount like your mother, except the freckles beneath your eyes, they’re unique to you and make you look very pretty.’ Remus smiled, trying to make it seem like he was simply commenting as a friend. ‘I’m sure you will be fending off men left, right and centre as my father would say.’ 

Rosaline smiled at the reminder of the conversation they’d had in the Three Broomsticks with Remus’s father, he remembered she took particular delight in his stories.

‘Thank you.’ Rosaline said, quietly. 

‘You’re very welcome.’ 

Remus took a breath of fresh cool air, feeling like he’d escaped death in some way. They sat for a while longer, just taking in the spring air and Remus could feel himself coming back into control. They spoke a little more about her exams and Remus maintained his promise from the start of the year to make special arrangements for the practical parts. He wouldn’t let her fail, not when she needed to get the top grade for working at the ministry. Remus had no realistic doubts that she would pass all of her subjects, but this was something he could at least ensure she got right.


	14. So Far, So Good

Rosaline made the effort to go back to the spot in the hills to study, the view was breath taking, exactly the way Lupin had said it was and she couldn’t work out why she had denied herself of these simple pleasures for so long. The bad days had been so few and far between and she’d only had one before her exams because she was worried she wouldn’t pass and get the grades she needed to work at the ministry.

Her duelling exam had gone well and Lupin stated how impressed he was that she was able to defend herself with spells that he was sure she didn’t learn in class. Rosaline had just shrugged, stating that she didn’t like duelling so just learnt what she may have needed, which was the bare minimum. Lupin wasn’t so convinced, but never pushed the subject.

That was what had her thinking on him so regularly, his patience and kindness just poured from him at a rate she had never seen before. He had no reason to be so nice to her and yet he continued to help her get better. She truly felt like she had a chance to be like everyone else and even spent some more time with Angelina and Oliver, going to breakfast with them sometimes before heading off to class or the library to study. Sometimes she even caught Lupin smiling at her, glad that she was making friends and enjoying life for a change.

Rosaline often found herself thinking on the moment she and Lupin had shared when they sat on the broken tree trunk. His voice had lowered to a level that the sound on its own resonated in the pit of her stomach, no matter what Lupin thought, Oliver never spoke to her with such a desirable tone. The second she thought on his dark eyes flickering over her face, she felt her cheeks burn red, knowing it was completely inappropriate to think about Lupin in that way. He was just trying to help her, he was just being a good friend and she shouldn’t have thought about him in any other capacity. 

The Quidditch final went about as well as could have been expected, Rosaline kept her promise to Oliver and played in the final match, wrapping up a bulky eighty points on her own and by far looking like the best player on the pitch. Lupin noticed, but he seemed to be exhausted when complimenting Rosaline on the game. She just let him head back to his office to rest while Angelina insisted that Rosaline spend some time celebrating the win with the rest of the team.

It was such a strange atmosphere to wake up to, Rosaline only had two exams left and decided to make a conscious effort to go to breakfast every day that week, but the first morning she sat at the long table, she noticed that there was a lot of murmuring going on at the Slytherin table. It wasn’t exactly an uncommon thing to find them gossiping about one thing or another, but whatever it was they were discussing had them all as excited and outraged as Rosaline had ever seen them. She tried to ignore it and opened a letter from Kingsley Shacklebolt that had landed in front of her.

Rosie,

I’ve been informed by Dumbledore that you should pass your exams with flying colours, once you have your results, fill out the application attached and ask one of your teachers to write an accompanying recommendation for employment. 

You will have to complete the Auror training in order to work in the office, but I’m sure you will pass without much difficulty. I will be on hand to supervise your training myself so you don’t need to worry about a thing, we will get you through the training and a fully qualified Auror in no time. 

The position I have created for you won’t involve much field work, but in order to keep you on the books, you will need to attend ministry patrol every two weeks, again, don’t worry too much, it’s just a low level security position. Your main role will be repairing any equipment for the department, currently we are clearing an office for you to use however you see fit and I will be happy to show you around once you finish school.

The rest of the information you need is with this letter and I hope to hear from you soon.

Best of luck with your remaining exams.

Kingsley

Rosaline felt herself taking a deep and nervous breath. She was excited and happy that she’d come so far in just a year. It was mostly thanks to Lupin and she figured she would go and see him to show him the letter and ask if he could write a recommendation as Kingsley had requested.

‘I can’t believe it.’ Alicia said, sitting down next to her. ‘Rosaline, you spent so much time with him, did you even know?’

Rosaline looked up and blinked in confusion. ‘I’m sorry?’ 

‘Lupin,’ Alicia urged. ‘He’s a werewolf.’ 

Rosaline felt her heart go into freefall. A werewolf? 

‘Did you know?’ Alicia asked again, it was almost accusatory. Rosaline shook her head, she had no idea. ‘See, I told you.’ Alicia was outraged, turning to Oliver and Angelina to continue her rant. ‘Letting a thing like that teach in a school, what was Dumbledore thinking?’

Rosaline suddenly stood, she felt the familiar flare of anger causing her unbearable pain to wash over her skin. How could this even be true?

‘Rosaline, are you alright?’ Oliver asked, he knew that she’d spent a lot of time with Lupin and understood that this could have been painful for her to hear.

‘Of course, she isn’t,’ Alicia cut in. ‘You know they’re saying he was helping Sirius Black into the castle and Rosaline was alone with him, think about what he could have done to her.’

‘I have to go.’ Rosaline said, picking up her letter and leaving the Great Hall, heading to the only place she felt she could go.

Remus hadn’t felt this worn in such a long time, his face ached from where he’d been scratched by some creature he’d run into in the night and his wrist was killing him. Poppy had done her best to help him however she could, but it was his own fault for forgetting to take his damn wolfsbane. His whole life had been dropped into freefall, seeing that name on the map had changed everything and finally after all these years, the truth came out.

There was a small knock on the door and Remus turned, presuming it was Dumbledore telling him the carriage was ready, but to his great surprise and shame, it was Rosaline. Her face was a mixture of confusion and pain, it was obvious to anyone by the way her tired eyes scanned his half packed office, that she’d heard the truth of what he was as well.

‘Rosaline.’ Remus said, rather hoarsely. He immediately went to button up his shirt all the way and slipped on his jacket with more difficulty than he was ready for, but still she stood in his doorway, unable to quite process what was going on.

‘Is it true…’ her voice was so quiet that Remus barely heard her. ‘That you… you’re a… people are talking about it… I suppose I shouldn’t listen to rumours… but it makes sense, a lot of sense… I just… you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want… I’m sorry…’ she was about to leave his office, when he felt an unnatural need to stop her from disappearing from his sight.

‘It’s true.’ Remus said, stopping her from disappearing entirely. ‘I’m sorry, Rosaline, but it is true. I am a… a werewolf.’

Rosaline nodded and took another moment to process everything. 

‘When are you leaving?’ She asked and Remus could have burst into tears. Of course she would be curious about when he would leave the school, she, like everyone else, wouldn’t want him anywhere near her now that she knew the truth. 

‘Today.’ Remus croaked, inadvertently letting his sadness be known to her. ‘As soon as I’ve packed everything up and Dumbledore has let me know there is a carriage ready for me.’

‘Right.’ She nodded and took a moment to look at his dishevelled appearance, but there was something else forming under the surface. ‘So, you’re not my teacher anymore?’

Remus frowned. ‘No, I resigned this morning. It’s for the best.’

Rosaline nodded again and looked down at the small pile of parchment she was carrying. ‘It’s just that Kingsley wrote to me, he sent me an application to become an Auror, he said I’ll need to go through the training because I’ll technically be on their books, but I won’t be doing much field work, just a patrol every two weeks, which is fine.’ She said it all in one breath and left Remus a little more confused than before. ‘I need a recommendation from one of my teachers and I thought I’d come and ask you and thank you for everything that you’ve done for me over the past year… then Alicia was telling me what she heard about you…’

Remus couldn’t bear looking at her anymore, it was too painful. He let himself lean down on the edge of his desk and took a deep breath, knowing that this was probably the last time he would ever be in the same room as Rosaline, the last time he would ever see those beautiful green eyes. 

‘That’s how you knew, isn’t it?’ Rosaline asked and it was suddenly very clear that she was crying, he felt his natural urge to hold her and make her feel better, but used every piece of strength he could muster to restrain himself. She wouldn’t want a creature like him wrapped around her, no one would. ‘You hurt yourself because of how painful it is.’

‘Yes.’ Remus breathed. ‘But I only suffer for a short time, once a month… Rosaline, I have no idea the pain you must be in right now, the pain you feel every day, but please believe me when I say that despite what I am, I never wanted to hurt you and I only ever wanted you to be happy… I’m so sorry I wasn’t honest with you.’

Rosaline sniffed, wiping away her tears and shaking her head. ‘You shouldn’t apologise,’ she said. ‘There’s a lot of stuff I didn’t tell you and some things I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to say to you, but you never forced me to say anything. Why should I force you?’ Remus looked up at her glimmering green eyes, he wasn’t quite sure of what she was saying. ‘I don’t know how I feel about it, I’ve always been told that werewolves are dangerous… but I think if you wanted to hurt me then you would have done by now.’ 

It was the first window of hope Remus had seen in so long, maybe she didn’t think he was a monster. He wanted so badly to step around his desk, kiss her with everything he had and tell her how much he loved her, but he knew that as far fetched as his chances had been yesterday, they were all but null in their current situation. 

‘I guess you can’t write a recommendation now, can you?’ The question itself seemed to be so full of innocence.

‘I’m afraid not.’ Remus shook his head, trying to stand with what little dignity he felt he had left. ‘I’m no longer your teacher so it wouldn’t really be what Kingsley is looking for.’ She nodded a little sadly, looking down idly at her letter. Remus decided to take the only chance he had left to make her feel happier. ‘But if I did write you a letter,’ Rosaline’s eyes found his. ‘I would tell them what a wonderfully brave woman you are, hard working almost to a fault, observant in all the right ways and simply one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the fortune to meet… I’m so proud of everything you have learnt this year, of how far you have come and I could not have been more honoured to have been your friend through it all.’

Rosaline roughly wiped away a few more tears and Remus knew she would regret it with the flare of irritation suddenly being evident in her expression.

‘Thank you.’ She whispered. ‘For everything.’

‘You are more than welcome, Rosaline. I hope you go on to do great things.’

She nodded and gave him a half smile. It would have to be enough, because he was never seeing that beautiful smile of hers again. ‘I hope you know that you were the best teacher I ever had and this place won’t be the same without you.’

‘Nor without you.’ Remus offered her a smile which hurt his aching cheeks.

‘I’ll leave you to pack,’ Rosaline sniffed again. ‘See you around, Remus.’ She tried for another smile and left him in peace.

Remus tried hard to picture her face clearly in his mind, he never wanted to forget that face, but he knew what needed to be done and only one of them would have the strength or clear mind to do it. 

Remus said his goodbyes to Harry, reassuring him that he did a good thing and proceeded to spend the next few hours sleeping on the train home, when he wasn’t sleeping, he was crying at the missed chance he had to hold Rosaline Carter one last time.


	15. ONE YEAR LATER

ONE YEAR LATER

Remus often felt guilty, he often felt tired and he often felt ashamed of his decision, but he never once regretted it. Rosaline had seemingly had a wonderfully normal life since leaving Hogwarts. She worked full time as a crafter for the Auror department and had nothing to do with him, it was just the way her life should have been and Remus knew that one day she would find someone amazing to share that life with. He just hated that it couldn’t have been him.

It was a big black dog at the end of his bed that had him waking in the middle of the night, he quickly reached for his wand as the dog transformed into Sirius.

‘Sirius!’ He exclaimed, relaxing and letting himself sink back down onto the bed. ‘What are you doing-?’

‘He’s back.’ 

Sirius didn’t need to explain, Remus knew what needed to be done and proceeded to help his friend get the Order back together. It was a difficult ordeal, given that most of the Order had been killed in the first war or refused to believe them that Voldemort had returned, but eventually enough people were gathered and sent to Sirius’s old house to work out what was going to be done. 

Remus was polite to everyone who was in attendance, knowing that there were a fair few people who couldn’t make it to the emergency meeting given location or work commitments meaning that they simply couldn’t be reached.

A vibrant, pink-haired, young woman tripped over the doormat, but no one seemed to react like this was an abnormal event, she quickly introduced herself as Tonks and sat down. Kingsley wandered in after her and Remus felt that twinge of guilt hit him again.

Dumbledore started the brief meeting, giving everyone details of what happened with Harry in the graveyard, Sirius was the most angry about it and Remus was the only one who was able to calm him down. 

Eventually a list of people who were onside but not present, was given to Dumbledore, but Remus was too busy keeping Sirius calm and trying to share information with Tonks to hear any names, he didn’t need to though.

‘So you must have known Rosie then?’ She asked, enthusiastically.

‘Rosie?’ Remus frowned, before the answer dawned on him.

‘Yeah, Rosie Carter, she’s our crafter, Kingsley hired her straight out of Hogwarts, said he’d never seen anyone as talented as her and he was right, she’s fixed all sorts of stuff and even custom made a few things for some assignments.’ Tonks explained, sipping her probably now cold tea. ‘Just wish people would stop giving her prank assignments and then she could really show what she could do.’

‘Prank assignments?’ Remus frowned.

‘Yeah, it was quite horrible really,’ Tonks seemed genuinely upset by the whole thing. ‘We didn’t find out for months, but as I’m sure you know, she’s a bit different. Apparently she went through some really tough stuff when she was a kid, so she’s ended up a bit of a loner, but she’s really brilliant; anyway it was a few months after she started that Kingsley found out a few Aurors were giving her fake assignments, bullying her, messing up her office when she wasn’t there and asking her to make ridiculous stuff for fake missions.’

‘What pricks!’ Sirius spat, who had turned his attention to talk of Rosaline.

‘I know, they really are.’ Tonks sipped her tea again. ‘Joke’s on them though, because Rosie actually made the stuff and it all worked the way they asked, some of them even backfired.’ She laughed. ‘Kingsley went mad though, the lot of them got howlers and now all requests have to be pre-approved, bit of a pain, but I don’t mind the extra work and especially if it keeps bullying out of the office.’

‘You pre-approve the repairs?’ Sirius frowned, she seemed far too young to take on a responsibility like that for a major ministry department. 

‘Yeah, well, I’m only one who will actually call them out on their pranks.’ She sniggered. ‘Rosie isn’t one for any kind of confrontation and everyone always snaps at each other in that place so it’s a bit hard for her to handle sometimes, but she’s bloody tough when she needs to be. I remember a few weeks back we were on patrol-‘ Tonks suddenly stopped talking to lower her voice and check Kingsley wasn’t listening in. ‘Right, don’t tell anyone,’ Sirius loved the secrecy, but Remus was more interested in Rosaline’s involvement in the story. ‘But there was a rogue dementor wandering close to a place in Wales, the only people in the office at that time was me, Rosie and Dawlish – he was one of the ones giving Rosie a hard time – anyway, the dementor went straight for Dawlish, and Rosie, without any hesitation ran towards it and sent this really powerful patronus to scare it away, never seen anything like it.’

‘Corporeal?’ Remus suddenly asked.

‘Erm, don’t think so.’ Tonks shook her head trying to remember. ‘I’m pretty sure she told me it was a lioness though, said she used this weird made up memory of a guy she once knew, but he left her. I told her that he probably didn’t deserve her in the first place.’

Remus felt his stomach twist uncomfortably and decided not to ask anymore questions about Rosaline. It didn’t stop Sirius though. 

‘So, she’s joining the Order?’ 

‘Yeah, she’s on patrol tonight, but she’s bloody brilliant. Just wait until you meet her, you’ll love her instantly.’ Tonks smiled and Remus decided he needed to leave to get some air for a while. 

He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t see her again and feel like a good man. What must she have thought of him, probably exactly what he thought of himself; he was the worst human being in the entire world.

‘Good to see you Remus,’ Kingsley said quietly as he shuffled past Remus in the hallway, Tonks trailed behind. ‘Your girl has turned into quite the fighter; you should be proud.’

‘His girl?’ Tonks giggled.

‘Rosie Carter.’ Kingsley confirmed. ‘She was Remus’s find. Best crafter I’ve ever seen and you’ll be glad to hear she’s gotten close with this one. A right pair, they are too.’ Kingsley gestured to Tonks who raised her eyebrows playfully, before taking a slightly more serious tone. ‘She’s doing good Remus, she’s got a few friends and she lets us know when things are too much; bit of a struggle in the beginning, but she’s getting better.’

Remus didn’t have any time to question them further, before Kingsley stated that they needed to get back to the office and update the relevant people. He wandered back into the kitchen to find Sirius left alone thinking on everything that had happened over the last few hours.

Over the next few days more people were in and out of Grimmuald Place and Remus was keeping his distance so as not to run into Rosaline, he knew he couldn’t keep it up forever, but he just wasn’t ready to face her just yet.

‘Alright mate?’ Sirius said, as Remus arrived in the kitchen for another Order meeting. He sat next to his old friend and smiled and nodded. ‘You sure? You’re looking at that door like something unpleasant is about to walk through.’

‘No, I’m not.’ Remus snapped and tore his gaze away from the door and towards his teacup, keeping his ears open and wishing he’d remembered the sound of how Rosaline walked so that he could listen for when she entered. 

‘Nothing to do with Rosie, is it?’ Sirius raised his eyebrow which warranted a glare from Remus. ‘You know she’s avoiding you as well, so I wouldn’t be too worried about running into her.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She came here the morning you left,’ Sirius explained, nodding to a few people who passed by. ‘Must have only been twenty minutes after you went actually, she and few others were just catching up on what had happened and we got to talking. Tonks is right, she is brilliant, managed to fix up the kitchen so that Molly could actually cook edible food in here, only took her a couple of hours.’ Sirius half laughed. ‘I thought Kreacher had broken nearly everything beyond repair, but Rosie never even took a second glance before she fixed everything.’ Remus felt his heart swell. ‘It’s funny really, not the chatty type, but as soon as I put on an old album, she told me everything about Nick Cave and Bad Seeds. I asked her how she knew so much about music and she said an old friend introduced her to the best music she’d ever heard. Next day she came over again, I’d asked if she could take a look at a few things whenever she got the chance, there was no real rush, but she brought over something very curious indeed.’ Remus felt a pang of guilt whipping violently in his stomach. ‘It was that old Queen album James and Lily used to dance to… I don’t know quite why I decided to look at the inside cover, but when I did, I saw an old doodle of a dog, the very same one I’d drawn in your album to annoy you when we were at school.’ Remus shifted uncomfortably. ‘I asked her about you and she shut down almost as quickly as you do whenever anyone asks you about being a werewolf… I’m not stupid Remus, so just tell me the truth. Did you turn her?’

‘What?’ Remus exclaimed, that wasn’t the question he thought Sirius would ask. ‘No, of course not! I would never-‘ Remus suddenly stopped speaking, realising his outburst had been louder than he intended and had attracted the attention of several other Order members. ‘That’s not what happened.’

‘Then what did happen? Because she walks around the same way you do and she looks just as miserable sometimes.’ It was clear Sirius wasn’t messing around and Remus really needed a friend to understand him.

Remus quickly gave Sirius the main points of Rosaline’s situation, Sirius knew Margaret Carter briefly during the war and suddenly felt an immense amount of sympathy for Rosaline. He moved onto her time at Hogwarts, the pain she was constantly in from being cursed and how Remus had been the one she managed to find the courage to be honest with. He introduced her to Dominic and helped her learn the patronus charm to defend herself with. Remus didn’t even care that his friend was giving him a knowing look, he felt the same desire for Rosaline that he’d always felt, but now he knew it was an impossibility. He casually skipped over the promise he’d made to remain friends with her beyond school, but Sirius wasn’t an idiot, he knew Remus so well that he didn’t need to say anything.

‘Well, I can’t say you did the right thing,’ Sirius said, still smiling a little at Remus. ‘But maybe now is the time to make up for past mistakes. She’s coming to the meeting tonight, so just make sure you at least try to apologise.’

Remus sighed and the meeting began, curiously, Rosaline didn’t arrive and Remus felt a deep worry in his chest. Sirius rolled his eyes and causally and loudly asked Tonks where Rosie was that night.

‘She was trying to unlock a dark chest when I left,’ Tonks laughed at Sirius’s antics. ‘She gets a bit carried away sometimes, I’ll give her the updates when I get back though.’

Everyone was starting to leave just as someone came bursting through the door. Remus felt his whole being fall back down into his seat. Rosaline. She was panting heavily, a thin layer of sweat covered her forehead as she came rushing into the kitchen. 

‘I’ve missed it.’ Rosaline sighed and Tonks just laughed at her, quickly introducing her to everyone she didn’t already know. Sirius was right, she still moved with a rigidity that told him she was in agony, but it still took nothing away from how beautiful she still was. She seemed to do a little better with the attention from the crowd of people, not as overwhelmed as she had been at school, but Remus could see it was still a bit uncomfortable for her. 

‘This is your chance mate.’ Sirius said, quietly, standing up to give Rosaline a gentle hug, at least he treated her delicately. 

Remus swallowed nervously and took a moment, listening to her laugh while Sirius joked about one person or another and eventually Remus found the courage to stand up, but none to actually move towards Rosaline. He didn’t need to though. The room was suddenly silent. Remus lifted his head to see that Rosaline was looking at him, her bloodshot green eyes held his for just a moment before tears came pouring out of them. It was just like when she sat beside the lake, no sound, no expression, just a flood of salty tears and Remus wanted nothing more than to beg on his knees for her forgiveness. 

‘Rosaline,’ he said, but before he could say anything else, she turned on her heel and strode towards the front door of Grimmauld Place. Sirius stepped aside, gesturing for Remus to go after her, but by the time he’d stopped hesitating, he was too late. He’d gone out to the street and looked in every direction he could plausibly see her going, before realising she’d disapparated.

No one said anything when Remus arrived back inside and he honestly wasn’t sure what they could say, but he knew one thing that he wanted to make sure of. 

‘You should find her,’ he said to Tonks. ‘I’m sure she’s very upset and very confused right now.’ 

Tonks just nodded, knowing that there was something she just wasn’t getting and left Grimmauld Place to find her friend. Sirius gave Remus a sympathetic look, knowing that he’d done all he could for the time being.


	16. I Was Doing Okay

Rosaline had felt her mind go into a tailspin, she couldn’t focus on anything that wasn’t Lupin, nothing that wasn’t the pain of his betrayal. She’d come so far, she’d made friends in Tonks and Kingsley and enjoyed her work at the Aurors department. The bad days were easier to deal with when Tonks was there to distract her, she didn’t mind the nightly patrols with the other Aurors, she kept quiet and to herself and things just seemed to be okay again.

Of course, she was scared that Voldemort was back, but she’d made a promise to herself that she would be brave and do everything she could to protect the people she loved, she would make her mother proud. 

But everything just seemed to implode when she saw the face of the man who’d made it possible and then disappeared. She didn’t hear anything for months and after a while she gave up hope that she would ever see Lupin again. Rosaline pictured his face every night before she went to sleep, knowing that just the simple act of remembering his happy, laughing face would help her to wake up and concentrate on the simple things that gave her joy. But now that was gone, when she imagined his face, it filled her with agony all over again, she couldn’t focus on the joy, she couldn’t remember the taste of the chocolate he gave her and she couldn’t stand the memory of his touch. 

Rosaline knew this feeling all too well. Hatred. It was absolute hatred for Lupin and a part of her felt guilty about it, ashamed, but she couldn’t escape the feeling that he had broken the most essential promise he’d ever made her. He promised he would never leave her and that was exactly what he did.

Rosaline had gone back to work, unable to sleep and knowing that she needed more of a distraction than Tonks could give her, she turned her music on and got back to work, unlocking the dark chest in her office. She stayed there until the morning came and suddenly felt the exhaustion in her limbs. 

Rosaline stood up from her desk and stretched her aching body a little, trying not to think about Lupin and failing miserably. He would have been proud, he would have loved to hear about how well she had been doing at the ministry, about the highs and lows and how she loved her office. It was clunky and full of books and boxes that had old broken equipment yet to be repaired, others filled with spare parts for Sneakoscopes and watches and other Dark Detectors that the department used. Occasionally she would need to repair brooms and there were boxes filled with parts and equipment to do just that. Her desk was more like a large worktop with a stool and her admin desk sat in the far corner with paperwork piling up on top of it. 

Rosaline had her record player on a counter behind her with her albums on the shelf below, she’d filled nearly the entire cupboard with new and old music, anything that kept her busy and distracted. It was her favourite place to be and she used to think how Lupin might have visited and smiled at how well she was doing for herself, knowing she had done it all herself, but it was always a distant fantasy.

‘There you are!’ Tonks. ‘I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Have you been here all night?’

Rosaline nodded and stretched her shoulders, releasing some of the tension, before getting back to work. 

‘Rosie, do you want to talk about what happened last night?’ Tonks stepped in Rosaline’s office. She didn’t mind Tonks or Kingsley or Sirius calling her Rosie, usually she preferred Rosaline, but they said it with such love and good intentions that she never corrected them or got annoyed at them for it. ‘We don’t have to talk right now, but you know you can tell me things, right? You can talk to me if something’s bothering you.’

Rosaline nodded but gave no indication that she wanted to talk about anything. Tonks eventually left her in peace to work, only really talking to her again when a new assignment came in or when Tonks decided she’d skipped enough meals and brought her a cup of tea and a sandwich. It took nearly a full hour for Rosaline to actually eat it, but she made a conscious choice not to break her promise to look after her body. She’d never broken that promise since making it, she wouldn’t start now. 

Eventually Rosaline got tired enough to go home and sleep for a while, she knew she was about to have a few bad days and there was nothing anyone could do about it. 

Rosaline spent the next couple of weeks, trying to avoid Lupin at all costs, sometimes she would fail in her endeavours, but used Tonks as a shield to prevent herself having to actually speak or look at him. Sirius was naturally curious and Rosaline felt sorry for him for having been locked up in his house for weeks, that she decided to tell him a little about her last year at Hogwarts and her past. Little did she know that Sirius may have had the very thing to cheer her up.

‘Right, don’t get your hopes up too high,’ Sirius explained, leading her up the stairs to one of the seemingly hundred of rooms in the Black family house. ‘But I know that there are a lot of old photos hiding somewhere in here, mostly of Order members and I’ve definitely seen one or two with Snape in them, so chances are, your mother might be in here as well.’ 

He began pulling out a few boxes to search through and Rosaline found herself feeling an overwhelming hope that she may have been able to see more than one photo of her mother. The one she had was wonderful, because it had both of them in the same photo, but she would have liked to have seen her mother in another light, just to know that she really existed and people really knew her.

Finally after nearly an hour of searching through boxes and countless questions over people Rosaline didn’t recognise, Sirius handed her a single photograph of a large group of people all discussing something before looking up at the camera all of them with solemn looks on their faces. Rosaline quickly scanned through, frowning as she couldn’t see her mother anywhere.

‘This was taken three days before the end of the war,’ Sirius explained, sitting down on the dusty bed next to Rosaline. ‘Not many of us left by that point and no one trusted each other, so everyone was a bit on edge, we knew we’d been betrayed by someone, but you never really knew who it was you were talking to.’ He pointed to a dark corner that led to a hallway out of the old house they were in. ‘Just watch.’ 

Rosaline watched Dumbledore appearing with a woman Rosaline recognised immediately. Her mother quickly looked into the main room with Dumbledore shielding her from the camera immediately before the action repeated. 

‘She was a spy for us, so I’m afraid if she’s in any other photos, it’ll be like that, hiding in the background.’ Sirius said, sadly, but Rosaline was just happy that there was another picture of her mother in existence. ‘I’m sorry I got your hopes up, Rosie, I’ll keep looking through these old boxes and see if I can find a better one, but I don’t think I’ll have much luck.’

‘It’s okay.’ Rosaline sniffed, realising that she was crying a little. ‘Like you said, she was a spy, no point in denying it.’ 

Sirius gently placed his hand on hers and gave a sympathetic smile, his hands were a calloused and not as gentle as she would have liked, but she appreciated the gesture all the same. ‘She was very brave to do what she did, I don’t know if I could have gone through all that and still raised a child alone. Maggie was an extraordinary woman… and if I may be so bold to say, she was very beautiful, you look a lot like her, except for-‘

‘Except for the freckles.’ Rosaline finished the sentence, half smiling through her tears. ‘Lupin said that as well.’

‘Did he really?’ Sirius smiled much more warmly. ‘Well, Remus isn’t wrong, I can see why he’s so miserable at the moment.’ Rosaline frowned. ‘He’s not stupid, he knows he did something unforgiveable and he knows what it’s cost him.’ 

‘I don’t want to think about him.’ Rosaline said, firmly shutting down the conversation. 

‘That’s okay,’ Sirius nodded. ‘But I would like to say one more thing before we head down for dinner.’ Rosaline took a moment to nod, looking up at the still handsome face of Sirius Black. ‘Let him apologise to you. You don’t have to accept it and you don’t have to say anything back, but I think it will do you both the world of good to talk about things… we’re about to fight a war Rosie, trust me when I say there’s no room for hesitation, because if you hesitate you lose people and none of us can afford that. Don’t leave things unsaid, because those are the moments you regret, the chances you didn’t take the people you let go without telling them the truth.’ 

Rosaline frowned, not really understanding what Sirius was talking about. Lupin had been a friend, admittedly there was something else that happened whenever she thought about him, but it wasn’t like they had any other connection.

‘If he’s making you this angry, then you might want to consider the possibility that you might still feel something for him.’ Sirius explained, which only further confused Rosaline, surely she didn’t really feel that way about Lupin. ‘You’re welcome to stay here any time you like, Rosie. There’s plenty of room and I’d hate for you to find yourself in a tight spot out there.’ 

Rosaline half smiled at him. ‘Thank you.’ She said, quietly and Sirius moved his hand to her back and gently kissed the top of her head in that big brotherly way that she had always heard about, but never really known, until now.

They eventually went down to dinner and few people arrived having just come off of missions or were about to head away for one, Sirius made sure that Rosie sat next to him, leaving Remus’s usual seat free, she wouldn’t know that he usually sat that there, but maybe Sirius could help the two of them resolve whatever past issues they had. 

Mad-Eye had wandered in to drop off some information for Dumbledore and handed over his sneakoscope for Rosie to look at, she didn’t even ask questions, she just brought out her small repair kit and glasses and got to work fixing the cogs inside the glass spinning top. 

Remus had entered only twenty minutes after Rosie started work, she’d not touched her dinner, aside from the moments when Sirius had reminded her to eat and even then it was only a mouthful. Molly just tutted in her motherly fashion, but didn’t say anything, instead she just heated the bowl of stew so that it didn’t get cold while Rosie was busy. 

Remus could see that there was nowhere else to sit and nervously took his usual seat beside his friend. Sirius slid a glass of Firewhiskey in front of Rosie and she quickly downed it in one, hardly acknowledging what it was she was drinking and looking mildly annoyed at the interruption.

‘How’s it coming, Rosie?’ Sirius asked and chuckled at her nodding, again not really acknowledging what he’d said. ‘Easy fix?’ Rosie nodded again. ‘Can’t get a word in edgeways with this one.’ Sirius laughed, Remus seemed less amused by the spectacle. ‘What?’

‘Just leave her be.’ He said quietly, Sirius knew he was hoping not to disturb Rosie, but it seemed she had suddenly been alerted to his presence anyway and the tension suddenly increased between the three of them.

Rosie froze momentarily, before having an internal conversation with herself. She took her glasses off and set down her tools, not looking at either of them, she finished off her dinner and thanked Sirius quietly as he poured her another Firewhiskey. Remus smiled to himself and Sirius wondered what was happening.

‘You finished that scope yet, Carter?’ Mad-Eye called over the noise of the kitchen table. She jumped and her eyes shot to where the grumpy Auror stood waiting for his item to be repaired. 

Rosie shook her head and got back to work. Sirius wasn’t an expert, but it looked like the cog had been replaced and she was just making sure the rest of it was in working order. Her hands were shaking at first, but she eventually found her concentration and after another fifteen minutes, the Sneakoscope was repaired. 

She took her glasses off and sat back, placing the tips of her fingers over her tired eyes, he noticed that she never rubbed them, presumably because it would only irritate the skin and Remus had told him about her pain issue. Mad-Eye caught the movement and limped over.

‘Is that it?’ He asked, gruffly and the second she nodded, he scooped it up and left the kitchen without so much as a thanks. 

Rosie stretched her neck and slowly began packing away the small tools she’d used.

‘He could’ve said thanks,’ Sirius sighed. ‘All that work you do for them, can’t even show a little appreciation.’

‘It’s fine.’ Rosie gave a half smile and shook her head. She gently began stretching her hands, feeling the cramp set in. 

It was like she was purposely avoiding Remus’s eyes, trying to ignore the fact that he was sitting in front of her. They hadn’t spoken and Remus had remained unusually quiet, but Sirius didn’t miss how his old friend watched her. It was like he was making up for all the time he couldn’t see her, memorising her features and appreciating everything about her.

Sirius decided he would give Remus his chance to apologise and took a deep breath, standing up. They both suddenly looked at him as if he’d done something entirely unwarranted, surely they could handle a moment on their own.

‘I’ll be back in a moment.’ He assured them both and headed over to help Molly clear everything up from where most of the Order had simply left their empty bowls sitting for someone else to clean up.

Remus felt his mouth go dry, how could Sirius just leave him sitting alone with Rosaline? He knew that she couldn’t stand being around him, so why would he force her to sit alone with him with nothing to distract either of them? Remus knew the answer, but somehow blaming Sirius was easier than formulating an apology, not that he hadn’t thought through every word of what he would say given the chance, but nothing he thought about seemed to feel like quite enough for her.

Remus had taken full advantage of her sitting opposite him to watch her, she was so incredibly beautiful and he could have watched her for the rest of his life if he could. Her bright green eyes, shaped by those wonderfully cute freckles beneath them, her smooth pink lips that she bit down on when she concentrated, her soft dark hair draped over one side of her head and her delicate, strong hands, all those things he’d failed to notice before, he loved them. 

It made his heart hurt, just watching her made him ache for her. Even Sirius could understand why he couldn’t do anything about the way he felt the last time he’d seen her. Being her teacher, it was completely inappropriate to have even remote feelings like the ones he had for her. But he wasn’t her teacher anymore and he never really felt like he was, something that Sirius was keen to point out whenever he brought up Rosaline as a subject matter.

‘Rosaline, I just want-‘ Before he could even finished the sentence, she stood up and left Grimmauld Place, striding hard for the door and not looking back. 

Remus wanted to cry, he wanted to just break down in tears and take back his decision to leave her in peace, he wanted to change it so that he wrote to her every day, he told her how he really felt and he finally felt her in his arms. Sirius just looked at him and frowned, but Remus couldn’t bear himself under anyone’s gaze, so he simply left the kitchen and headed up to bed.


	17. It's Getting Harder

Hermione had soon joined them at headquarters and just like Ron, she was curious about what was going on. Remus was careful what he told them, not wanting to increase tensions between Molly and the children, who had already pushed her far enough in their efforts to find out more information. 

Sirius was keen to find out when Harry would be joining them, but Dumbledore had insisted that the best place for him was at the Dursleys which everyone knew he hated. Remus hadn’t seen Rosaline again since they’d sat opposite each other at dinner and from what he’d heard, she was struggling to keep up with her work at the ministry. 

He kept his ears open for a time when she would be back at Grimmauld Place, Tonks had been the main person he’d spoken to about her, keeping up with the news and trying hard to figure out a way to apologise for what he’d done to her.

‘Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her like this,’ Tonks sighed, another meeting was over and Remus was walking her to the door, vaguely aware that the Weasley children were probably moving away from the bannister after listening in on another Order meeting. ‘I know everyone’s getting a little jumpy with Voldemort coming back, but she just seems really out of it. I know she’s been staying here a few times a week, but it hasn’t really helped her. I’m not sure what to do anymore.’

‘Has she been eating properly?’

‘As far as I can see,’ Tonks nodded, they moved up the stairs to let people through the hallway. ‘I always make her a cup of tea and she eats most of the stuff I bring her, Molly wouldn’t let her starve while she’s here anyway.’

‘No, that’s true.’ Remus sighed. ‘What about distractions? Has she been listening to her music?’

‘Just the same old stuff recently, this album called To Eternity… I think.’

‘From Her To Eternity, I know it.’ Remus took a breath, knowing it was one of the first albums he’d given her to listen to. ‘She… I think she just needs a little time to get over everything.’

Tonks leaned back against the bannister and sighed. ‘I don’t know if this is something she can just get over, Remus. In her eyes, you’re not someone she wants to associate with anymore, I know it hurts to hear, but maybe you just need to accept that she can’t see past-‘

‘Tonks, let’s go.’ Mad-Eye interrupted and Tonks cursed under her breath.

‘Sorry, Remus, I’m on patrol tonight.’ 

‘No, no, of course not.’ Remus allowed her to descend the stairs first. ‘You will let me know if there’s anything I can do to make this is easier on her? Anything at all?’

‘Sure.’ Tonks nodded. ‘Just remember, Rosie’s her mother’s daughter.’ Tonks winked and it made Remus smile for the first time all day. Tonks just had a way of making everyone feel like the world wasn’t ending so imminently.

Remus went back into the kitchen to see Sirius and Arthur talking about one thing or another and decided to sit down with them and engage in some light conversation for a while, hoping it would make his heart stop aching quite so much for a while.

Hermione had sat next to him at dinner and begun talking about werewolf rights and how it was unfair how people treated him, he agreed mostly, but then he was very used to being treated differently and never really let it bother him the way Hermione was clearly bothered by it. 

He entertained the conversation for a little while until Sirius broke out the Firewhiskey and Remus felt his desires take him elsewhere. He wasn’t drunk, not by a long shot, but Sirius had given him enough to make him a little off balance. Remus had cheerily said his goodnights to the Weasley’s and Hermione who just laughed at him and Sirius, before sighing and thinking about heading to bed himself.

‘So, what’s the plan Moony?’ Sirius rubbed his eyes, clearly exhausted as well.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Come on, mate. You’re in love with the girl, what’s your plan? Or will I have to play matchmaker with Tonks?’

‘Don’t.’ Remus warned in a much more serious tone. ‘I’m asking you now, not to do anything. Rosaline isn’t like other people, she’ll only get confused and you have no idea if she even feels the same way.’

Sirius just grinned. ‘Wow, see I wasn’t actually sure if this was just a weird crush or if you actually were in love, but I guess I have my answer now.’ Remus groaned and let his head fall onto his arms on the table, hating how good Sirius was at getting information from him. He never changed from school. ‘Look, you know what I think about the whole thing, why shouldn’t you be happy?’

‘It’s not as easy as that.’ Remus sighed and finished the last of his Firewhiskey. ‘I hurt her, more than that, I betrayed her when I promised I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t blame her if she never forgave me… I wouldn’t forgive me.’

Sirius just sat in silence for a while, there really wasn’t anything his old friend could say that would make him feel any better about the situation and he knew that. 

Over the summer, Remus had done his best to make things easier for Rosaline to move past everything, but still it was difficult for her to remain in the same room as him. The breaking point came when she’d clearly had a bad day, waking up in more agony than she could handle or distract herself from and Remus couldn’t blame her for missing another meeting.

‘I’ve missed another one, I’m sorry Kingsley.’ She said, holding back her tears. From what Remus had heard, she’d had a hard week at the office going out into the field to cover a few Aurors and not coming out of those encounters completely unscathed. It was those moments that Remus wanted to comfort her more than anything, he wanted to hold her, make her feel better, help her recover and make sure that she didn’t lose her faith. ‘I got caught up with the last assignments from Dawlish.’

That name made Remus’s annoyance flare, Dawlish was one of the Aurors that bullied her when she first started working there.

‘Legit assignments?’ Kingsley asked and Remus watched that wonderful pink colour flood her pale cheeks. Rosaline nodded and Kingsley took her word, but Remus wasn’t so convinced. ‘Okay, why don’t you stay for dinner? I’m sure Molly wouldn’t mind.’

‘Of course not dear.’ Molly smiled and gave her a motherly hug which seemed to put a warmth in Rosaline that she hadn’t known in so long. It seemed Molly was someone she could relax around and there were probably reasons for that. ‘Take a seat and I’ll get you a cup of tea, dinner will be ready soon.’

It was at that moment the children arrived in the kitchen and took their seats, Tonks immediately got the attention of Hermione and Ginny, making faces to entertain them. 

Remus tried to pretend like he wasn’t watching Rosaline, but when the only seat left was opposite him, he couldn’t help but be curious about her decision.

‘Don’t be shy, dear. Take the seat next to Sirius and we’ll get you fed.’ Molly encouraged her towards the empty seat and Sirius pulled out the chair for her. 

Remus wished they didn’t force her to sit opposite him, she should have been free to make the choice on her own. Rosaline took the seat and removed her jacket and much to Remus’s heartache, she quickly pulled the sleeves of her thin, maroon jumper down and had a guilty look on her face. No one else would know why it pained Remus as much as it did, but it did make him feel especially guilty that he may have been the reason she was in such pain. 

Hermione once again brought up her campaign to get house-elves proper rights and once again brought the issue of werewolves’ rights to the table. Remus engaged her for a while, before she asked Rosaline a question on what she thought. Rosaline just agreed with whatever Hermione had been saying before talking quietly and urgently to Sirius who seemed to be trying to convince her of something. 

Remus distracted himself with Hermione’s discussion, but in reality he wanted to know what Rosaline was saying to Sirius. 

‘I think they’re all valid points Hermione.’ Remus nodded and sighed. 

He noticed that Rosaline and Sirius had stopped talking and she looked as if she was struggling with something. 

‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this.’ She told Sirius and got up, grabbing her jacket to leave the kitchen table. Tonks rushed after her and unfortunately the conversation in the kitchen lulled enough that snippets of what Rosaline and Tonks were saying could be heard.

‘…I can’t even look at him, Tonks…’

‘…he’s trying to make things easier for you…’

‘…someone like him doesn’t deserve…’

‘…just give him a chance to…’

‘Who’s hungry?’ Molly called and Remus listened to the sounds of the front door shutting and the table getting ready for dinner. Tonks came back and gave Remus a sympathetic smile in an effort to make him feel a little better, but it didn’t do anything for him.

Hermione was riled up again and only through Sirius’s annoyed glances did Remus really take in why.

‘It’s just that if she can’t see past it, then maybe she should just keep her opinion to herself instead of treating you like that.’ Hermione was outraged and it took Remus a moment or two to figure out what she was talking about before it dawned on him all of a sudden.

‘Rosaline has her reasons, Hermione.’ Remus said, sternly, silencing the young woman. ‘It’s best you just leave her be.’

That was the end of the conversation for a long time and Rosaline continued to try and tolerate Remus’s presence, but equally Hermione continued to get annoyed for some unknown reason at her lack of patience. Remus just wanted Rosaline to be okay, he didn’t want to be the cause of her pain and he didn’t want her to suffer unnecessarily. 

Rosaline hated the way she’d left things with Lupin, but it was just so hard to be around him while she felt the way she did. She tried, she really tried to sit and have dinner with him, but it was just too difficult to ignore the way he just sat there and felt sorry for himself. Tonks and Sirius wanted her to just talk to him, no matter what it was she said, just say anything.

‘Thing is, Sirius is right,’ Tonks said handing Rosaline the last biscuit from the packet, they’d managed to skip breakfast before heading to Grimmauld Place first thing in the morning having been called for an emergency meeting concerning Harry. ‘Even if all you can do is yell at him, at least you would have gotten everything off your chest and at least you can breathe easy for a while. Merlin knows, we all need things to be a little easier while they can be.’ 

Rosaline knew that Tonks was right, but she didn’t say anything, instead she sat down next to Sirius and fiddled with pin vice she often used in repairing sneakoscopes, trying to keep her mind focussed on what she needed to do that afternoon in her office. 

As soon as she felt Remus sitting opposite her, she felt an uncomfortable twinge that only made her hands shake with nervousness while Dumbledore updated them on Harry’s situation. He would need to be collected from Privet Drive as soon as possible as the ministry had expelled him for using magic in front of a muggle. There would be a trial in front of the minister which was highly unusual and even had Rosaline lifting her head in curiosity.

‘Mungdungus was supposed to be watching him.’ Tonks whispered and Rosaline frowned, wondering why he would just leave Harry unprotected like that, knowing his life would be in danger. 

‘We will need volunteers.’ Dumbledore announced and immediately several people put up their hands, Rosaline was about to do the same until Dumbledore said: ‘Remus, I’d like you to go as well, a friendly face will do him the world of good.’ 

Rosaline stopped her hand going all the way up once Remus agreed to collect Harry and Tonks was picked to go with him as well as Kingsley and Mad-Eye, it left the Aurors department lacking slightly and the one of the assignments Tonks was supposed to go on would be one short.

‘I’ll cover for you.’ Rosaline immediately said, feeling her cheeks warm up. 

‘Are you sure?’ Tonks frowned. ‘It’s a raid down Knockturn Alley with Dawlish and Fisher.’ Rosaline wasn’t keen on either Auror as they were two of the group who’d given her a hard time.

‘It’s fine,’ Rosaline shook her head. ‘Harry’s the priority.’ It sounded like a mantra, everyone could hear it, but no one said anything and Rosaline continued to fiddle with the pin vice. 

She saw Remus’s hand instinctively move towards hers, stopping a fraction of a second after he moved and for some reason it had Rosaline looking up into his pale blue eyes and wondering for just a second why she was ever angry with him. It was just for a moment, but it seemed to go on forever, neither of them making a move to turn away, until Sirius suddenly said something to Rosaline.

‘I’m sorry?’ Rosaline said, almost shaking her head out of the trance she had been in. It seemed the eye contact had done more than just make her forget why she was angry, because the rigidity and pain in her body had returned in one crashing wave and made her grip the vice just a little tighter, holding onto any focus she may have had left.

‘Molly was talking about getting the rest of this place cleaned up,’ Sirius frowned. ‘Thought you’d be able to help out with any repairs she might need?’

‘Oh yeah, of course, just let me know.’ Rosaline cleared her throat and stood to leave the table with Tonks. ‘I’ll… erm…’ Rosaline stopped and looked at Remus, he was almost willing her to say something, but her courage faltered at the final hurdle. ‘I’ll see you tonight Sirius.’ She said, quietly, tearing her gaze away from Remus who was surely disappointed at her lack of courage.

Tonks and Rosaline headed off to work, Molly handing them both a muffin and warning them that she would know if they didn’t eat them. She gave Rosaline a longer hug, something that Rosaline was deeply grateful for, she needed the motherly love more than ever. Her hugs were always warm and welcoming and Rosaline always felt like she was truly loved whenever Molly held her. There was only one other person who made her feel like that and Rosaline could no longer stand looking at him.


	18. Dangerous Presumptions

Remus knew that progress was being made, no matter how small or insignificant, Rosaline was about to speak to him, to tell him something, no matter what it was, he wanted to hear it. But she stopped, her pretty features showed a flash of pain as she turned to Sirius to let him know she would see him later than night. 

Remus knew they’d shared a moment at the table, no one else seemed to exist in that moment, all he could see was Rosaline’s intense green eyes, free from pain or anger or even hatred, she was beautiful and Remus hoped the moment would never end. That was until Sirius broke her out of the moment and for just a second, Remus loathed Sirius. 

He did his best and regained his concentration to collect Harry from Privet Drive that evening, Tonks had sent them some kind of invitation to a competition final, something to do with their lawn and soon the Advance Guard rescued Harry. It was the first time Remus had seen him since the end of his third year and in that time he’d been through an unimaginable amount. 

Remus introduced everyone, including the real Mad-Eye Moody and Tonks who was eager to make friends instantly. He wrote the Dursleys a letter, slightly amused that Harry openly told him how they wouldn’t care, but carrying out the task nonetheless. They flew back to Grimmauld Place and Remus did his job in getting Harry in safely before starting to worry about Rosaline. 

Admittedly Tonks was worried as well, she should have been back before them.

‘She left around two o’clock.’ Tonks explained to Sirius when she thought Remus couldn’t hear. ‘It should only have taken them a couple of hours, tops.’

‘Maybe they ran into trouble, it’s a nasty place.’ Sirius quickly put the conversation to bed as Remus took his usual seat. 

The meeting went on a little longer than anyone realised it would, but there was a lot of good things that came out of it, including a few more allies within the ministry which was always a good thing. Remus couldn’t help but occasionally cast his gaze towards the door, hoping Rosaline would walk through any second, but the meeting was over and everyone was getting settled in the kitchen before any sign of that happening occurred.

Rosaline came rushing through the kitchen door, startling a few of the people already seated, she looked up towards where Dumbledore usually sat and sighed, trying to get her breath back.

‘I’ve missed it again.’ She said and Tonks just giggled, prompting Ginny to do the same. ‘I’m so sorry, Kingsley, I got caught up in work.’

‘Don’t worry Carter, everything go okay?’ Kingsley waved away her apology and turned more towards her. Remus noted how pale she looked.

‘Yeah, not perfect, but everything’s in order.’ Rosaline said rather vaguely, suddenly becoming aware of Harry and the Weasley children. ‘Anyway, it’s good to see you again Harry, I’m glad you got here safely.’ Harry didn’t seem to want to talk to her much and Hermione looked somewhat satisfied, Remus worried about what she had told him about Rosaline, who seemed to sense the tension at her arrival. ‘I’ll leave you all to it then, I’ve still got some work I need to get done.’

‘You’re not staying for dinner?’ Molly cut in and approached Rosaline, knowing she couldn’t refuse Molly. Rosaline stuttered over a few words of refusal before sighing and giving into the motherly woman she adored so much.

‘Well… I suppose I could stay for a bit.’ Rosaline smiled and Molly gave her a hug, gesturing for her to take her usual seat next to Sirius. 

She caught sight of Remus and hesitated before sitting down opposite him. Sirius and Tonks immediately engaged her in conversation about what had happened in Knockturn Alley and she told them a few main points about what happened, but Remus could see her sitting uncomfortably and knew she’d come out of the encounter a little worse for wear.

‘You’re hurt.’ Remus frowned, unsure of why he even spoke and knowing exactly what was about to happen. 

‘I’m fine.’ She said through gritted teeth. 

The four of them were silent and it wasn’t going unnoticed by anyone else in the room. Finally, it was too much for Rosaline and she stood up to leave, hesitating the entire time.

‘I’m sorry, Molly, I need to get going, I should get the rest of my work done tonight.’ Rosaline made it to the door, holding her ribcage, Remus knew she was injured.

‘Oh Rosie, just stay and eat something,’ Molly lowered her voice making it to the door as well, but everyone was listening to the conversation. ‘You’ve barely been eating while you’re here and everyone needs to keep their strength up while they can, including you.’

‘I know and I’m sorry, Molly. I’ll stay another time,’ Rosaline promised. ‘I just can’t right now, not with him sitting there, you know how I feel about-‘

‘Why are you so afraid of him?’ Hermione suddenly exclaimed and everyone at the table suddenly turned to her. Rosaline frowned, unsure of what was happening. ‘Just because he’s a werewolf, doesn’t mean you should treat him any differently. He, of all people, doesn’t deserve for you to hate him simply because of what he is.’

‘Hermione-‘ Remus went to interrupt and calm the situation.

‘And you, you just let her say these things about you, like everything is okay and normal when it’s clearly-‘

‘Hermione, that’s enough!’ Remus was suddenly on his feet and felt himself slipping into that teaching mode he so often found himself slipping into while at Hogwarts. No one said anything for a moment.

‘I don’t hate him because he’s a werewolf,’ Rosaline said, her voice cracking in so many places and Remus unable to look anywhere else that wasn’t her watery green eyes. ‘Why would you think that?’

Hermione suddenly looked a little embarrassed at her error. ‘We overheard you talking about trying to make things easier for her to handle,’ Hermione directed her comment at Remus. ‘And then when you were with Tonks,’ she turned back to Rosaline. ‘You were talking about not being able to be in the same room as someone like Lupin…’

‘And so you assumed I hated him because of his condition.’ Rosaline nodded in understanding, surprising Remus by her reaction. ‘Well, that would be the natural conclusion to draw, but I don’t hate Remus because he’s a werewolf… I hate him because he’s a liar.’ She said it so simply that it broke Remus there and then, everyone’s attention was firmly on Rosaline and Remus. ‘I hate him because he betrayed me and he did it so easily, like everything he’d made me believe meant nothing.’ Rosaline’s eyes flickered with anger towards Remus. ‘I hate you because you destroyed everything I’d worked so hard to build up. You destroyed my faith, Remus.’

Remus felt himself losing all control over his emotions and began allowing the tears he’d held onto so tightly fall of their own accord. 

‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered. ‘Rosaline, I am so sorry for what I did, I’m so sorry I left you.’

‘What am I supposed to do with “sorry”?’ It was clear that Rosaline felt better for letting a little of her anger out and Remus was just happier that she was finally speaking to him, regardless of what she was saying or the way she was saying it. ‘You were cruel… and you never even hesitated. I can’t do anything with “sorry” Remus, I can’t do anything with your words.’

‘Just let me explain why… please.’ Remus begged.

Rosaline wanted to say something else, but she couldn’t bear to look at him anymore and left the kitchen. Remus leaned on the table for a moment, he didn’t hear the front door close, but he did hear the creak of the stairs. She hadn’t left, she was still in the house and Remus decided to take his chance to apologise again and see if there was a chance to fix things.

‘Rosaline.’ He called gently, leaving everyone still sitting in shock in the kitchen. It wasn’t like either of them to make a scene in any capacity and what they did say was more than a shock to everyone. ‘Rosaline, please, just give me a chance to explain.’ He begged arriving at her room, but not quite having the bravery to step in. 

Her room was bare of anything except a bed and a few books, Remus didn’t want to step into her space without permission, but she wasn’t exactly stopping him as she searched for something in her bag underneath her bed. 

‘Seriously, tell me what I’m supposed to do with your apology,’ she said, her anger slicing through him. ‘Because your words don’t bring back the last year and they don’t make anything okay. You don’t know what you did to me.’

‘Then tell me, shout at me if you think it will help, but please just tell me how to fix this.’ 

‘Why are you trying so hard?’ Rosaline stopped her searching and rounded the bed to stand opposite Remus. ‘Why do want to fix anything? Why do you care so much? I never gave you a reason to care.’

Remus’s mouth opened and then closed again. He wanted to tell her, he wanted so badly to tell her exactly how he felt about her, but he knew this was probably too soon to say it.

‘And that right there is why I can’t forgive you.’ Rosaline spat with such venom. ‘If you can’t even tell me the truth, then why should I accept your apology?’

‘You’re right.’ Remus nodded. ‘What I did was monstrous, but I did it because I believed whole heartedly that you would lead a better life without me there to-‘

‘That was not your choice!’ Rosaline yelled and Remus could see that it had taken a little out of her to exert quite so much emotion, something she wasn’t used to doing. 

Remus quickly glanced downstairs, before stepping into her room and gently shutting the door. 

‘You’re right, that wasn’t my choice,’ Remus kept his voice steady and calm, trying not to let her get too worked up. ‘And I can’t expect you to understand why I left you, but can you understand that I was only trying to look out for you and act with your best interests at heart?’

Rosaline began sobbing as hard as Remus had ever seen her sob and he was powerless to do anything. She slid down the bedpost and sat, holding her head between her knees, clutching her ribs. It only made Remus sit against the wall opposite her and try to keep his composure, but he couldn’t stop his tears and for a while they both just sat and cried, together.

‘My patronus,’ Rosaline croaked, still trying to keep a hold of her emotions, but failing miserably. ‘My happy thoughts… the guy you made me think about… it was you.’ She whispered. ‘That’s why I never wanted to think about it, because I was so ashamed, I felt like I was taking advantage of your kindness… I actually thought I was betraying you.’ Rosaline shook her head, not quite knowing how to handle her own admission. 

Remus was both elated and heartbroken that he really was the one who allowed her to produce something so powerful, that his presence alone was what gave her the most joy. He suddenly remembered the moments few and far between where he would hold her against him, his fingertips would gently massage the muscles in her neck, he brushed the soft skin of her jaw, suddenly he could feel it again, those moments were clearer now that they had ever been.

‘Rosaline…’ Remus whispered. It was now or never. ‘You never betrayed me, I promise, you never felt anything that I didn’t feel as well.’ Her green eyes found his and without speaking she asked one resounding question. ‘I fell in love with you.’

Rosaline watched Remus for the longest time, she was debating something internally and Remus didn’t dare take his eyes away from hers, he just watched her beautiful features for as long as he had left to really look at her, but it would never be enough for him.

‘I don’t know if I believe you.’ She whispered and Remus felt his heart break, not for the first time that evening. ‘I want to, I want so badly to believe you and I want so much to believe that you had good intentions… but I just don’t trust you… and I can’t think of a single reason why I should forgive you.’

Remus held his head in his hands for a moment and sobbed heavily, he couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid, he threw away something so precious and so beautiful, he didn’t deserve any of her forgiveness.


	19. Birthday Talk

Rosaline made sure she wasn’t back at Grimmauld Place during the summer while Hermione, Harry and the Weasley’s were still there. Remus had found out that Hermione had overheard something about Rosaline’s mother, and drawn the conclusion that Tonks was warning Remus about her, given that Margaret was publicly a Death Eater. Remus decided to tell the children the truth about who she was one afternoon while they were cleaning the house, excluding Snape’s involvement and suddenly they had a new respect and admiration for Rosaline.

She’d been through so much and still suffered from the bravery her mother had shown during the war, Hermione felt especially bad, but Remus made sure she didn’t let it get to her too much. 

‘Rosaline wouldn’t want to be pitied,’ Remus said, gently placing his hand on her shoulder while the rest of the kitchen table took in the information. ‘Rosaline just wants to be like everyone else and I think that is the greatest thing we could do for her.’

‘I should apologise.’ Hermione sniffed.

‘Well, I don’t think it’s a terrible idea,’ Remus agreed. ‘But she won’t come back here unless she needs to, it’s not just me she’s avoiding now, I doubt even Sirius will be enough for her to extend her stay past meetings.’

Sirius just gave a sad smile, knowing Remus was right, but feeling bad about it anyway.

‘What did you do to her?’ Ron suddenly asked and Hermione quickly scolded him for the forward question.

‘No, it’s fine,’ Remus shook his head. ‘I’m sure it’s not just you who’s curious.’ Remus turned his attention to Sirius briefly. ‘I didn’t exactly tell you the whole truth either…’ He took a calming breath. ‘Rosaline still suffers some effects of the Cruciatis curse inflicted on her when she was seven years of age,’ no one at the table made any noise, they all knew exactly what that meant. ‘Her mother died protecting her from the torture, but unfortunately it left Rosaline unable to feel anything other than agony. She wakes every day in more pain than you have experienced in your life, that’s what the curse does… but Rosaline still wakes up, she still played Quidditch with you Harry, Fred, George, she did it because she didn’t want to let Oliver down, she wanted to be a good friend, even though many people would not have considered her such… she jumped into the depths of the freezing lake to save a boy she didn’t know because she is brave and resilient and no one could ever know the torture she suffers daily, she wouldn’t want you to.’ Remus took another breath, running his hand through his hair. ‘Over the course of the year that I taught, Rosaline barely showed up to any classes, she is far too bright to have found much use in sitting in a classroom listening to any of us rattling off information she already had. She is cursed and that means no potion or spell can relieve her pain, the only thing we found that worked was finding things that could distract her from it. Crafting, light conversation and music were the only things I ever found to work for long enough to give her any relief.’

‘That’s why Kingsley was so interested in her.’ Sirius confirmed.

‘Yes, Rosaline built a pensieve using information she found in the library at Hogwarts and given her natural skill, didn’t have difficulty in making it.’

‘Blimey!’ Ron breathed.

‘I suppose that’s a good moment to introduce my actions,’ Remus swallowed. ‘Given my condition, it’s a little easier for me to see when others are suffering beneath the surface, I recognised Rosaline’s pain straight away and felt immensely sorry for her. Over the course of the year, I spent time with her, getting to know her and trying to make her understand that there are other ways to manage the pain beyond what she already knew.’ Sirius shifted having some idea of what Remus may have been referring to. ‘What I found was a brilliantly gifted witch, a very funny and wise individual… and an exceptionally beautiful young woman…’ the room didn’t need any more information than that to conclude Remus’s feelings towards Rosaline and he wasn’t going to say anything more on them. ‘When the time came for her to leave Hogwarts, I promised that I would stay in contact with her, that we could still be friends and that I would always be there if she ever felt like things were getting to be too much, the same way I had been all year… we spent an entire year building up trust and helping her find her faith in life again, it was a slow process and not without its difficulty, but we did it… and then I left. I believed that with my condition going public that I was acting in her best interests, that by separating myself from her, she could get a little space and potentially find others to put her faith in… but it seems my actions have just made things that much worse and I’m afraid Rosaline, like her mother, is not someone who can easily forgive mistakes such as mine.’

The room was silent for a moment, everyone was mourning the story, the loss, the pain and the heartache.

‘Maybe we could help?’ Hermione asked and Remus was suddenly afraid for what she was about to suggest. ‘Maybe we could convince her-‘

‘No,’ Remus interrupted. ‘No, absolutely not. None of you are to speak with Rosaline about me or my actions, do you understand?’ Even Sirius was a little surprised by the outburst. ‘Rosaline is an incredibly strong person, but she will need to reach a conclusion on her own, she is at a very difficult time in her life and will need to decide on her own if I am worth forgiving or not. It is not our decision to influence or change in anyway.’

‘But don’t you want her to forgive you?’ It was Ginny who spoke, much to everyone’s surprise.

‘Of course, I do.’ Remus breathed, suddenly losing control over himself. ‘But I cannot make the same mistake twice… I never forced her to speak with me in that year, I won’t break any more promises now, not while it is so important.’

‘Remus is right.’ Sirius interjected, again surprising everyone. ‘It’s not our place to say anything to Rosie, best keep this to yourselves and whatever happens will be for the best.’

It seemed his words were enough to settle them all and convince them to respect Remus’s wishes and do nothing. Sirius didn’t even say anything to him once they left, he just allowed Remus the space to figure out how to make things right on his own. 

Eventually, once everyone had gone back to Hogwarts and Harry’s name had been cleared, Remus decided to do something to prove to Rosaline that he could be trusted again. He wandered quietly down Diagon Alley to an old music shop, he’d gotten Tonks to check Rosaline’s music collection and tell him which bands she was listening to and the latest album she had of each. To his great delight, she’d not purchased the most recent Nick Cave album, but to his hesitation, it was called Let Love In (1994).

Remus was caught at a bit of a crossroad, he wanted her to have the album, but he wasn’t sure if she would take it as some kind of pressured sign on his part. He decided to get it anyway along with a couple of others. Her birthday was only a couple of days away as he’d found out from Tonks and Molly, who were both insisting that she come back to Grimmauld Place so that they could celebrate. 

Remus knew that Rosaline wouldn’t be keen on the attention, but she agreed nonetheless, and Tonks made sure it was just a small group of people who were invited, including him. He wasn’t so sure he would have been welcomed at the dinner table by Rosaline, but thankfully, he was on a mission that day so wouldn’t be around much to spoil her evening. 

He decided to pick up a couple of other albums he was sure she didn’t have including Tom Waits Bone Machine (1992) and The Rolling Stones Tattoo You (1981). He knew that she found pleasure in the surprising things, things she wasn’t sure she’d like and the Rolling Stones were just that, a bit out of her comfort zone, but a band Remus enjoyed immensely. He hoped that she would as well.

‘Can you just make sure she gets them?’ Remus asked Tonks as he was about to leave Grimmauld Place for the day. 

‘Why don’t you give them to her yourself?’ Tonks tried to encourage him.

‘I think it would be best if I was around as little as possibly, especially today.’ Remus said, sadly. ‘I just want her to have them, tell her they’re from you if you want, just make sure she gets them and let me know if she enjoys it.’

Remus didn’t wait for a reply, he just grabbed his jacket and left to complete his mission.

Rosaline was not looking forward to that night, she’d spent most of the day fixing a dark detector that was all but destroyed and glancing at her record collection which looked curiously out of place, like someone had been looking through her albums.

‘Alright Rosie?’ Tonks skipped in. Rosaline suddenly snapped her gaze up to the vibrant woman.

‘Have you been looking through my albums?’ She asked, a little more accusatory than she intended.

‘No, course not.’ Tonks seemed to be telling the truth, but somehow Rosaline wasn’t entirely convinced. ‘You ready to go?’ 

Rosaline sighed and slowly tidied away her things. Tonks knew what she was doing and told her about when the kids left for Hogwarts, about Molly having a hard time with the boggart, she kept her voice down and Rosaline subtly turned her music up a notch to help cover her. Rosaline felt for Molly, she didn’t deserve anything but the best things in life, she was a wonderful mother and Rosaline wondered if she and her own mother would have been friends. 

It only occurred to Rosaline at that moment that she didn’t really know her mother in the same way others did, and they probably didn’t know her very well either, given her position within he Order. Rosaline had spent the first part of her life knowing a panicked and worried woman who was simply trying to do her best, she knew someone who was just trying to survive, but her mother must have been so much more than that, just like Molly was.

She continued to think on her precious few memories of her mother all the way back to Grimmauld Place where Sirius greeted her with a hug, wishing her a happy birthday. She was turning twenty, but she felt so much older than that. 

Rosaline was grateful that there were so few people celebrating with her, she couldn’t handle too much attention, especially after the day she’d had, but luckily Tonks was soaking up most of the conversation. Kingsley made a brief appearance, as did Mungdungus, but mostly it was just Rosaline, Tonks, Sirius, Molly, Arthur and Bill. A few other Order members made a quick appearance, but Rosaline tried not to pay too much attention, she was already overwhelmed by Molly having made her a cake.

‘I wasn’t sure what you’d like,’ Molly placed the large cake down in front of Rosaline, it had twenty candles all perfectly placed over the top. ‘But Remus mentioned you liked honey chocolate from Honeydukes…’ Molly suddenly stopped speaking, realising what she had said and for a moment Rosaline felt the pain whip at her, but she managed to take a breath and smile.

‘Thank you, Molly.’ She said, trying to focus on Molly’s kindness. ‘I’m glad Tonks talked me into celebrating tonight.’

Rosaline blew out the candles and made a wish, as Tonks had told her was tradition. Surprisingly, Rosaline wished for something she never thought she’d wish for. She wanted to find the courage and patience to forgive Remus. It made her heart swell that that was the first thing she thought to wish for, but that was what her mind was telling her she wanted more than anything in the world.

Molly was busy slicing up the cake for everyone, when Tonks suddenly remembered something. She quickly went upstairs and came back with what looked like a birthday present.

‘Tonks, you really didn’t need to.’ Rosaline said, uncomfortable with what was happening.

‘I didn’t.’ Tonks smiled, sympathetically. ‘Remus did.’

Rosaline felt like she should have guessed from the silver wrapping paper and square shape of the package, but she hadn’t expected anyone to get her anything and least of all Remus. 

She put the package down on the table, there wasn’t a card and a part of her ached to have read something that Remus spent the time writing out to her. Anything would have settled her. In the back of her mind, she could see her mother smiling at her, almost in a way that questioned why she was still angry at Remus, she shook the image away and focussed on what was in front of her.

Rosaline wasn’t sure whether she wanted to open the gift just yet.

‘Where is he?’ She asked, her voice cracking. She suddenly realised that she’d been thinking to herself longer than she intended, because Sirius and Tonks had nearly finished their cake. 

‘He’s supposed to be delivering a message for Dumbledore,’ Sirius said, pausing slightly. ‘To one of the werewolf communities, convincing them that Voldemort has returned.’ 

Rosaline felt her heart sink, that was a dangerous mission and there was a good chance that Remus would be pushed back immediately. They may not have reacted to him in any positive way. It only occurred to Rosaline in that moment that Remus could die, she could lose him and never have the chance to hold him again. Her mother wouldn’t have wanted her to lose chances like that and in a split second, Rosaline made a decision that would either cause her more pain than she had ever experienced, or be the thing that reinforced her faith in life.

‘Okay.’ She said and left the package unopened. 

The cake was amazing and Sirius was right when he suggested washing it down with some Firewhiskey, the combination was amazingly satisfying. Rosaline was finding that the Firewhiskey was helping to numb a little of the physical pain she was in, not a lot and probably to most people there wouldn’t be any difference, but she’d lived with it long enough to know when it changed even just a little bit.

It was gone midnight when Remus arrived back at Grimmauld Place, he was exhausted and miserable, nothing had gone the way he wanted it to go and he felt like a failure. He trudged his way down the dull hallway and heard the sound of laughing as he got closer to the kitchen. He suddenly remembered Rosaline’s birthday, having put it out of his mind to focus on the assignment, knowing he couldn’t get distracted with thoughts of Rosaline while he was trying to convince a pack of werewolves that Voldemort was back and that they should join with the Order to fight him.

Remus carefully opened the door, quickly shutting it again to avoid waking up the painting of Mrs Black and saw the sight that made his knees weak and his heart inflate with joy. Rosaline was laughing so hard with Tonks as Sirius was telling some animated story. She was so beautiful and so happy, her cheeks were red and her eyes watered with how much she was laughing, she was stunning. 

He suddenly spotted the almost empty Firewhiskey bottle and knew that it probably had something to do with the good time they were all having.

Sirius spotted his old friend and calmed down enough to lift his glass in greeting. 

‘Alright, Remus?’ Tonks smiled a goofy and very drunk smile at him, and it made him laugh at her in delight.

‘Hello everyone,’ Remus nodded. ‘I suppose this means you’ve all had a good evening.’

‘That we have,’ Sirius said, thinking on the night as a whole. ‘And you were right by the way, Rosie is very funny, you should hear some of her stories about Dawlish. Bloody hilarious, if you ask me.’

Remus suddenly looked guiltily at Rosaline who was frowning at Sirius’s comments. He suddenly noticed the unopened present sitting just next to her and felt the guilt increase momentarily. 

‘Honestly, I was there, but hearing you tell the story is so much funnier.’ Tonks giggled and it made Rosaline smile again. ‘Anyway, I best get to bed.’ She suddenly said, finishing off what was left in her glass. ‘Loads to do tomorrow. Happy birthday, Rosie.’ Rosaline stood a little off balance and hugged her friend goodnight. Tonks winked at Remus as she went past him and up the stairs, still feeling the effects of the whiskey. 

Rosaline sat back down as Sirius filled up her glass again and poured Remus a drink as well. Remus noticed that he didn’t refill his own, but gave no indication that he was leaving. Remus sat down opposite Rosaline, thinking it strange that they were sitting in the opposite seats to normal and gave her a small smile.

There was an awkward silence between the three of them for a moment and Remus felt bad that he’d spoiled the good mood. 

‘So…’ Sirius grinned, noting the tension. Rosaline just stared a hole into her glass. ‘How did it go with the pack?’

Remus nodded. ‘As well as I thought it might. I passed along Dumbledore’s message, but I’m not so sure many of them were convinced. I’m not sure I was the only one there trying to convince them either.’ Remus sipped his whiskey. ‘I’ll head back in a few days and try again.’

‘It’s all we can do at the moment, I suppose.’ Sirius sighed.

‘You’re going back?’ Rosaline suddenly said, fear lacing her flickering green eyes. Remus nodded. ‘But it’s really dangerous.’ Both men frowned a little and she shook her head, knowing that’s not quite what her point was, it dawned on Remus that she might have been worried that he wouldn’t come back and by the way her expression changed into panic, he was almost certain.

‘Well, it’s a lot safer for me to go than anyone else,’ Remus swallowed nervously. ‘The packs I’m visiting aren’t keen on strangers and they don’t really take too kindly to… well, non-werewolves. That’s why it’s so easy for me to slip in and out.’

The explanation seemed to settle Rosaline for a moment, but only for a moment before an incredible sadness washed over her. Remus wasn’t sure what to say that would make her feel better. 

‘So, that cake was good.’ Sirius interjected, making Remus roll his eyes and Rosaline frown at why he brought it up. ‘Molly did a good job, right?’

‘Yeah…’ Rosaline still frowned, her drunk eyes still flickering slightly. Remus presumed the room was starting to spin for her and her reflexes were slowing down considerably. ‘Oh, yeah, she said you told her I liked honey chocolate,’ she suddenly directed her comments at Remus. ‘I saved you some actually… if you wanted… it’s a bit rich, but I liked it.’ Her face was flushing red from embarrassment, but Remus was just happy that she thought about him enough to save some cake. 

‘I’d love to try it.’ Remus smiled and that was enough to make her smile a lot wider. 

Rosaline nodded, before taking a moment to stand up. She was a little unsteady and Sirius gave Remus a sharp kick, making him stand up as well to help Rosaline while she was a little drunk. 

Remus wandered over to the pantry and found Rosaline reaching for the light, but she kept missing. He gently pulled on the string and smiled down at her. 

‘Thanks.’ She swallowed and stared up at him for a long moment, her eyes darkening. Remus was convinced that she would have kissed him if this was any other time and any other circumstance, but she had been drinking and he wouldn’t take advantage of her like that. Rosaline tore her gaze away and ventured a little further into the large pantry, finding the plate she’d hidden just for him. 

Remus stood to one side to let her out and turned the light off again, grabbing two forks from the drawer as she went to sit down again in his usual seat. Sirius had made himself scarce, probably heading up to bed, but Remus couldn’t hate his friend, not when it allowed him to spend a little more time with Rosaline. 

She carefully took the plastic film off of the cake and Remus handed her the other fork, making her frown. ‘It’s your birthday cake and I think it’s some kind of bad luck for someone else to finish it for you. Share it with me?’ He asked and Rosaline’s eyes filled with water, but she held onto the tears and smiled, gently taking the fork from his hand, her slightly calloused fingers brushing him and sending a warmth through him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

For a while they ate in silence, occasionally Rosaline would watch him and sometimes he’d watch her, when they caught each other, they would smile and turn away embarrassed. 

‘Have you had a good birthday?’ Remus asked, watching her chew a little of the sublime cake Molly had made, it was a good recommendation on his part. Rosaline nodded, but a small frowned appeared between her eyes and told him otherwise.

‘I missed you.’ She said, making Remus stop in his tracks. ‘I mean, you were away and Tonks said she’d invited you, but you wouldn’t make it back until late, so… I missed… you being here for dinner.’ 

Remus grinned, knowing what it was she was trying to say and even though it was a bit of a mess, he appreciated it, swallowing the mouthful of cake. ‘Well, you seemed to be having a lot of fun when I walked in. Was Sirius telling stories about our time in Hogwarts?’

That made Rosaline suddenly smile and go red. ‘He told me stories about you… they were my favourite.’ She bit her lower lip and Remus couldn’t help his sharper intake of breath, wanting so desperately to be doing that to her, tasting the chocolate from her mouth and making her feel so many good things. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ 

Remus realised that he was staring intently at her lips and felt a wave of embarrassment overcome him. ‘Sorry,’ he mumbled. ‘I was just thinking about something… you should have the last piece, its good luck.’ Remus slid the plate towards her and watched her slowly slip the last piece into her mouth, he was completely mesmerised by the way her tongue poked out to lick the remaining crumbs from her lips. It was only then he noticed that she actually had several more, much lighter freckles over most of her face, they were so light that only someone observing her the way Remus was, would notice and even then, they would have to be trying to find the details in her complexion. ‘You’re very beautiful, Rosaline. I know I have no right to say it, but you have every right to know it.’ 

Rosaline stopped chewing for a moment and just let her watery eyes scan his face, searching for a lie, but she wasn’t going to find one. She seemed to give up, knowing that in her state it was useless to try and look for any details. 

‘It’s really warm in here.’ Rosaline said, swallowing the last piece of cake. Remus watched it descend down her neck, wishing he could reach over and run his fingertips down her skin, wanting to trace his lips over her. 

‘I’ll get you some water.’ Remus smiled, distracting both himself and her from what they were both thinking about. He took his time pouring a glass of water for her and tried to even his breathing. ‘Here we are, I expect Sirius kept your glass full throughout the evening, you’ll feel that tomorrow.’ Remus watched her gulp down a few mouthfuls of water, feeling a little sorry that she would wake up with a hangover, but glad that she was having a good time. 

‘I, erm… I have something I want to say,’ Rosaline started and Remus leaned forward on the table, listening to anything she wanted to say, about anything she wanted to talk about. ‘I feel like I need to… because, it’s important, I think…’ she wasn’t making an awful lot of sense and took another mouthful of water to help refocus her mind. ‘Dumbledore gave my mother a second chance, she was a Death Eater and I don’t know many people who would have given a Death Eater a second look, let alone anything else. She tried really hard to be a good person and she tried really hard to do what was best for me… which is what you said you did, right?’

‘Yes.’ Remus said, his voice barely above a whisper.

‘I have a picture of her,’ she frowned. ‘And sometimes I… actually it’ll sound stupid.’

‘No,’ Remus suddenly said, startling her, like she’d forgotten he was in the room. ‘No, it won’t sound stupid, I promise… will you tell me about your mother’s picture?’ He tried to ask as gently as he could, but he was scared the desperation in his tone came out.

Rosaline frowned slightly and sniffed as she took another mouthful of water. She couldn’t quite maintain eye contact when she spoke. ‘Sometimes I talk to her,’ her voice was so quiet, but it was the only thing Remus was listening to. ‘I ask her questions about what to do… obviously she doesn’t say anything back, but…’

‘Does it help you?’ Rosaline nodded and looked up at him again. ‘Then its not stupid. I did the same thing when I lost my mother, I used to pretend she was still around and talk to her when I was feeling low. It helps sometimes.’ 

‘You… you lost your mother?’ Rosaline was suddenly overcome with sadness.

‘I did, it was a long time ago now,’ Remus nodded. ‘But we all lose people we’re close to, it’s just a part of life.’ Rosaline thought for a moment and Remus could tell that she was still sad for him. ‘I feel as though you were making a point and I interrupted your thoughts.’

‘Yeah… I want to try… because if my mum got a second chance for her mistakes, then maybe you deserve one as well…’ Rosaline sighed and held her head in her hands, the room was definitely starting to spin for her. ‘I want to try and forgive you, Remus, I think you deserve for me to try.’

Remus wanted to reach out and hold her hand, but he wasn’t sure at what stage they were at and he didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable by going too far. 

‘Rosaline, I don’t want to make things any worse between us,’ Remus told her. ‘I just want you to be happy and I want you to enjoy life as fully as you can. If I have a place in that life then I will be exceptionally happy, but if not… then it’s probably for the best. This is your choice and I’m only here to help and make things as easy as possible for you.’ 

Rosaline sniffed and looked up at him again, a few tears had managed to escape and it was clear she had something on her mind. ‘I think I fell in love with you as well.’ She whispered and Remus felt his heart stop, he knew he couldn’t get too excited, she was drunk and emotional and she only thought she fell in love with him, there wasn’t any real certainty. But Remus couldn’t help his joy at hearing her say those words that he’d longed to hear from her.

‘That makes me exceptionally sad that I threw away my chance.’ Remus decided that honesty was the best policy.

‘What chance?’

‘My chance to make you happy… my chance to be with you.’ Remus took a steady breath, knowing he needed to stay calm and not go too far, even though he was certain he could have done. 

Rosaline’s eyes scanned his face and darkened more than he’d ever seen them before, she took a breath and looked at the unopened gift on the table.

‘I wanted to wait until you got back,’ she explained, her voice cracking. ‘Before I opened my present. I wished you’d written a card though, I just worried that you wouldn’t come back and I wouldn’t have heard from you ever again.’

‘Well, I am sorry,’ Remus smiled. ‘I’ll write a card next time, I promise.’

‘Good.’ Rosaline gave a half smile and proceeded to open up her present. 

Remus watched her face light up when she saw the albums and he couldn’t take his eyes away from her joy, she loved them. They talked about the music she was currently listening to and some of the things she was interested in exploring, there were a few bands that Remus hadn’t heard of and Rosaline promised she would lend him a few of her records, again he didn’t care too much if she forgot by the morning, he was just enjoying the time he was having with her. 

Eventually Remus decided that as long as he put a silencing charm on the door, she could probably play her music quietly on Sirius’s old record player. Rosaline slowly and carefully turned the music down while Remus quickly put up a silencing charm on the door. She chose the Tom Waits album to start with and sat back down, leaning on her hand while they listened for a while. 

If Remus had been braver and thought that she would want to, he would have asked her to dance just for the excuse to hold her against him, but he wasn’t that guy and he wouldn’t push it.

‘Kingsley gave me the day off tomorrow,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure what to do with myself.’

‘Why don’t you go for a walk?’ Remus suggested, remembering how she enjoyed walking to the view in the hills before the end of the school year. 

‘Where?’

‘Well, you don’t have to go far, there’s a park around the corner, the fresh air will do you good.’ Remus let his eyes drift over her face again. 

‘I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to go outside.’ 

‘Well, just make sure you open the window and let the air in, it’ll help clear your head a bit.’ Remus smiled, the music was good, but he could see she was getting tired. 

They remained sitting listening to the music for what felt like hours and eventually, Rosaline was beginning to show signs of falling asleep. 

‘Perhaps it’s time to call it a night.’ Remus suggested, suddenly feeling his own tiredness catch up to him. 

‘Okay,’ she yawned. ‘Will you take me to bed?’ Remus felt a small amount of warmth rise up his neck. ‘I still feel dizzy.’

‘Of course.’ Remus nodded and carefully stopped the music which was nearly at the end of the album, sliding it back into the sleeve and turning to see Rosaline watching him. Remus just smiled bashfully and tucked her albums underneath his arm. 

It was a bit of a struggle at first, she was off balance and slow to move, but Remus maintained his patience and helped to guide her up the stairs to her room. He placed his hand on her lower back, guiding her gently, but her movement towards his touch didn’t go unnoticed by him. 

He kept her close as he turned the light on in her bare room and carefully helped her towards the bed. Rosaline sat down, holding her head in her hands and Remus quickly put her albums on the table at the side of her room, the picture of her mother sat beside it and Remus wondered how often she actually spoke to her mother’s photo.

When he turned back, Rosaline was struggling with the laces of her big black boots, the ones she wore for working in. Remus smiled and kneeled down to help, gently moving her hands away and unlacing the boots, sliding them off her feet with as much care as he could muster. 

‘Thanks.’ Rosaline smiled a sleepy smile.

‘You’re very welcome.’ Remus placed the boots to one side out of the way.

‘Is it strange that I want you to stay with me?’ 

Remus’s heart stopped again. He took a breath and tried hard not to think about sharing a bed with her.

‘It’s not strange in the slightest,’ Remus smiled. ‘But, as much as I would love to stay, tonight might not be a good night. You’ve been drinking and I don’t want you to wake up regretting anything.’

‘I understand.’ Rosaline frowned, her cheeks were glowing pink.

‘Rosaline,’ Remus found himself unable to control himself any longer. He brought his hand up to gently stroke her warm cheek. ‘Please don’t regret anything you’ve told me tonight, when you wake up in the morning, please remember how much I wanted to hear you talk to me and how much I have loved listening to what you have to say. I’m going to try and make things easier for you, to keep my promises. Please just try to remember and don’t feel embarrassed, you can talk to me about anything.’

Rosaline’s eyes flickered over his mouth and he so wanted to press a delicate kiss to her perfectly soft, pink lips, but yet again, he resisted.

‘Okay.’ She breathed. ‘I’ll remember.’

‘Good.’ Remus breathed back and smiled. 

He soon left her to change and get into bed, noting that her sheets were exceptionally soft, possibly Sirius had gotten them for her after hearing how almost anything could irritate her skin. He appreciated the gesture from his old friend, but it was overshadowed by his swelling heart. Just the feel of her skin again was enough to settle him slightly, he wanted to do more and if he’d been any other man he would have done, but Rosaline was worth so much more than that and he could find the patience to prove it to her.


	20. A Bit Delicate

Rosaline woke with a start, unsure of why or what time it was. Suddenly a wave of agony washed over her body, starting from the tip of her head and sweeping her entire being. She repeated the mantra to herself, over and over again, but the pain seemed to find a central spot in her head. So this was what a hangover felt like. 

It took her a full hour to wake up and feel human enough to wander downstairs. Every step was torture and eventually she gave up, sitting in her fresh pyjamas on the stairs, letting the tears fall down her face. She took a deep breath in and tried to focus on anything else. Suddenly the feeling of Remus’s hand against her cheek reappeared in her memory. Rosaline didn’t remember much from the night before, but bits and pieces were starting to come back to her, the party, the cake and Sirius’s stories were among the most prominent, but then a whole new selection of images started to appear, ones that involved Remus and she wasn’t so sure how she felt about them.

‘Morning sunshine.’ Sirius said, leaning on the doorframe next to the kitchen. He sipped his coffee and grinned at her. ‘Bit delicate, are we?’ 

‘What time is it?’ Rosaline asked, her mouth was like sandpaper.

‘About eleven, Molly left some breakfast if you’re hungry?’ It suddenly dawned on Rosaline that she was starving. Sirius offered his hand and helped her stiff body into the kitchen where it was obvious breakfast had finished long ago. ‘Bacon, eggs?’ Sirius offered, but neither sounded particularly appealing. ‘Toast?’ Bingo! ‘Alright, you just sit there and I’ll look after you.’ Sirius laughed and Rosaline just let her head rest on her arms, breathing deeply and slowly through the pain. 

Sirius put a pain relief potion in front of her, making her frown, they never helped her and her knew that.

‘It’s for the hangover, it might feel like torture, but down that and you’ll back to your usual cursed self.’ He winked and it only made Rosaline smile a little, but maybe that was enough for now. 

Rosaline spent the day mostly in the kitchen with Sirius, talking about what happened the night before and the fractured memories of Remus came rushing back in one crashing wave. Her face lit up red to the point it burned her skin. 

‘Well, that’s an interesting reaction,’ Sirius grinned. ‘What did you say?’

‘Erm…’ Rosaline specifically remembered telling Remus that she was in love with him and could not have been more mortified by it. ‘Just… some stuff.’ She shook her head, no longer wanting to talk about Remus or her birthday. ‘I’m going to take a shower.’

Rosaline went to get up and leave when Sirius tried to get her to talk to him.

‘Wait, did he like the cake?’ Sirius asked, knowing Rosaline was already red in the face and knowing she didn’t really mind that he was teasing her a little. 

She took a long shower and felt the waves of agony washing over her with the water. Rosaline made a decision not to let Sirius fill her glass constantly over a single evening anymore, it didn’t do anything for her pain threshold and it didn’t help her make any good choices. She couldn’t bear thinking about Remus or anything she’d said to him, of which she could remember a lot less than made her comfortable. 

Rosaline remembered listening to music and watching his handsome face smile at her, he had the bluest eyes she’d ever seen, dark blue oceans that she could leap into, soft, sandy hair that she desperately wanted to touch and a voice that made her warm in the pit of her stomach. She could have watched him all night and never grown tired, but there was a good chance he’d find it strange and Rosaline immediately felt guilty.

She stepped out of the shower and saw a towel on her bed that looked especially soft. She placed her wet hand against it and felt such relief that it was as soft as it looked, Sirius must have put it in her room while she was showering and she made a mental note to thank him before she left the house.

‘Wotcher Rosie.’ Tonks whispered as Rosaline descended the stairs. ‘Emergency meeting has been called, we better get inside.’ 

Rosaline sighed and removed her jumper, knowing the kitchen would be too warm for it. She was careful to pull the long sleeves of her shirt down, her arms hadn’t fully recovered from the last time she’d had a bad day and no one needed to know about it. She sat in her usual seat next to Sirius who had a grim look on his face and saw that Remus’s seat remained empty throughout the entire meeting, she wondered if he was okay and hoped he was simply at home sleeping the day away. 

Eventually the meeting was over and Rosaline wasn’t required to do anything at that point, but Tonks was and Rosaline hugged her goodbye, telling her to stay safe. She wasn’t sure what else could have been done, but Rosaline needed to get out of Grimmauld Place and into the cooler summer air. 

‘Sorry.’ 

As Rosaline was leaving the kitchen, she walked into a very solid figure on her way out, sending a shock wave of pain through her body. It was a voice she would recognise anywhere, warm and welcoming and capable of melting her to the core. Remus.

Rosaline was at a loss for words and his smiling face didn’t do anything to help.

‘Excuse me.’ She mumbled, edging past him and heading for the front door.

‘Rosaline, wait,’ he said, quietly. ‘Is everything okay?’

‘Fine.’ She nodded and quickly put her jumper back on. 

‘Right.’ Remus sighed. ‘I just… I just wanted to make sure that you remember what you promised last night.’ Rosaline frowned, she didn’t promise him anything, why would she have done? ‘Clearly not.’ Why did he sound so disappointed? ‘You promised you wouldn’t regret anything you said in the kitchen, that you would tell me if something was bothering you… I still want to hear what you have to say and you don’t need to feel embarrassed.’ The memory came flooding back, making Rosaline’s cheeks light up red once again. His soft hand touching her face, there was never any irritation when he touched her, never any shame in the action and she craved it constantly.

Rosaline shook her head. ‘I don’t remember everything.’ She admitted. ‘Some things are clearer than others.’

‘Okay,’ Remus nodded, thinking on his next words. ‘Okay, well, I need to drop off a message for Dumbledore, can you wait until I come back? Maybe we could go for a walk and I can fill in the gaps for you?’ 

Rosaline wanted to refuse, she didn’t even know where she was going, but maybe the company would be good, everyone kept saying how no one should wander around alone. Rosaline eventually nodded and sat down on the blackened staircase, waiting for Remus to come back. She took the opportunity to adjust the bandages beneath her shirt, they were scratching at her skin and making it uncomfortable. 

Remus was a lot quicker than she thought he would be, but he smiled anyway and let her slowly get to her feet as they left Grimmauld Place. 

‘I take it you’re suffering one of the famous Black hangovers.’ Remus grinned as they stepped out into the summer air. ‘Sirius always did get them the worst out of any of us, but he always bounced back pretty well.’ 

Rosaline nodded, not wanting to exert too much energy on talking. They stopped after crossing the road and Remus frowned.

‘Were you heading somewhere specific?’

‘No.’ Rosaline sighed.

‘Well, the park is in this direction,’ Remus gestured to the left. ‘And that way is side streets and main roads. It’s up to you.’ 

Rosaline took a moment to decide, but the busy side streets somehow felt more like what she needed. Remus followed her up the street, but didn’t say anything, they just walked together in silence and for a while it was nice, Rosaline didn’t feel any pressure to say anything, or even acknowledge anything about Remus while they walked and that was exactly what she needed.

She tried to remember everything from the night before, but there were just some things she wasn’t getting and she wouldn’t unless she asked.

‘I…’ Rosaline suddenly said, almost startling Remus. They’d stopped at the entrance to the park Remus had mentioned, having walked for nearly an hour in silence, Rosaline wasn’t exactly directing herself towards anywhere in particular. ‘I said some things last night… things I didn’t want you to know… I just want to forget about it.’

Remus sighed and had that same disappointed look, the one Rosaline hated to see. 

‘Rosaline, I can’t forget what you told me,’ he said, much to her own disappointment. ‘I don’t want to forget… but if you don’t want to act on what you said, I can understand that.’ Remus shifted uncomfortably. ‘I just want you to be happy.’

Rosaline looked away, she couldn’t watch him anymore and instead she looked out at the sun descending in the sky, they would need to head back soon.

‘Tell me what happened last night.’ She said and waited for Remus to take through every detail he could remember which was a lot more than she thought he’d say. She was completely mortified by her admission, but felt ashamed that after promising not to forget what he asked of her, she did and felt more ashamed than she’d ever felt about anything in her life. 

‘Rosaline, I felt like if I acted on what I saw, then you would think I was taking advantage of you and that is the last thing I ever want to do.’ 

‘What did you see?’ Rosaline’s annoyance was turning into anger.

‘I saw someone that…’ Remus stopped, unsure if he should have said anything at all. ‘I wanted to kiss you… but it wouldn’t have been right to do so, not while you were trusting me to take care of you.’

Rosaline just nodded and wandered back towards Grimmauld Place. What was she supposed to say to that? She needed to think.

Remus caught up and said nothing more on the subject until they arrived back at the house.

‘Please just say something.’ He begged.

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘I want you to tell me if you’re okay or not.’

‘Well, I’m not.’

‘Then tell me how to fix this.’

‘I don’t know.’ She exclaimed and they both froze, looking towards the painting of Mrs Black, waiting for screams that never came. ‘I don’t know how to fix anything, I don’t know if I really feel the way I said I did last night and if I do, why do you care? Why would you want to be with me? I’m cursed Remus, I’m never going to live a normal life, I’m never going to be like everyone else. You should just find someone better.’

Remus just watched her for a moment, dumbfounded. ‘There is no one better,’ he breathed. ‘Everything you have just said is what I should be saying to you, I’m cursed as well, being what I am… it makes me feel the way you feel, like I’m not good enough for anyone let alone someone like you-‘

‘What do you mean someone like me?’ Rosaline snapped.

‘Someone beautiful.’ Remus breathed. 

There was a heavy silence between them for a moment. Rosaline couldn’t understand why this was so difficult for her, it was everything she had searched for, someone to accept her, to want to help her, to simply want her and yet, she was resisting it with everything she had. 

‘You said you wanted to try and forgive me,’ Remus said and another memory of the night before appeared in front of her eyes. ‘I want to try and be worth your forgiveness, but you’ve got to tell me what you need.’

‘I don’t know what I need.’ Rosaline croaked, she just wanted to cry and not have to deal with this.

‘That’s okay, I understand that this is hard and you’re probably not feeling up to talking about anything today and that really is fine.’ Remus implored. ‘But may I say one more thing?’ Rosaline sighed, not sure if she really wanted to hear him say anything else or make any promises he couldn’t keep. She nodded anyway. ‘Last night was… I loved sitting with you, talking to you about music and making you smile, you’re so incredibly beautiful when you smile and I realised that I’m still in love with you… I’m certain of it and as much as I’m worried that telling you will only upset you, I think it’s important that I say it so that at least you can be sure that I don’t ever intend to be the cause of any pain for you.’ Remus swallowed and Rosaline only just noticed at that moment that she was crying, but she didn’t feel sad, she believed him.

Remus could feel his heart pounding in his chest, he knew that this was hard, this was probably one of the hardest things that Rosaline had ever experienced, pain she could handle like second nature, love was not such an easy thing, but honesty seemed to be the way forward, the way to get her to really understand and then space for her to think for a while.

He hated that the tears fell so freely and openly, he didn’t want her to cry or feel any kind of pain because of him, but it seemed to be all he was capable of. Remus made a split decision to act on what he was seeing, if he wanted her to truly understand how he felt then there was only one thing he could think to do.

Remus slowly and cautiously closed the space between them, noticing the change in her breathing, it was shallow and he recognised it as someone who wasn’t about to resist him. Remus brought his hands up and brushed his fingers over her soft jaw, watching her eyes flutter shut, he could see that some of the pain she felt regularly had started to subside and it pleased him to no end to think that his touch was allowing her a little relief. 

Remus could feel the warmth beneath her skin as he grazed his body against hers, not putting any pressure on her, knowing that this was possibly his only chance to really touch her in this way, he wasn’t about to mess it up. He could feel her shallow breath against his mouth and let his lips lightly touch hers-

‘…it was absolutely ridiculous if you ask me.’ The front door suddenly opened with Tonks talking to Mad-Eye and Remus immediately stepped back and away from Rosaline, both of them snapping back into reality and trying to regain their composure. ‘Oh, sorry Remus, didn’t see you there.’ Tonks smiled.

‘That’s quite alright, no harm done.’ Remus smiled politely, but his head was still spinning from the almost kiss with Rosaline, who was quickly wiping away any sign that she’d been crying. 

‘Alright Rosie, good day off?’ Tonks turned her attention to her friend and Rosaline nodded with a quick smile. ‘I take it the hangover’s nearly gone, my head has been pounding all day. Cup of tea?’ 

‘Actually, I think I’m going to take another shower, got a bit warm when I was out walking.’ Rosaline briefly explained and Remus felt his heart drop.

‘No worries, when you’ve finished I’ll tell you about what Dawlish did today, bloody hilarious.’ 

Rosaline didn’t give Remus a second glance, she just turned and headed straight up the stairs to her room to take a shower. What had he done?


	21. An Opportunity Missed

It had been nearly three whole weeks since Remus had seen Rosaline, according to Tonks, she’d stayed late at work more often than not and been sent out on patrol for both the Aurors department and the Order four nights in a row, strangely showing no signs of severe exhaustion. Remus had told Sirius what happened, not allowing his old friend to say anything to Rosaline about what happened between them, he didn’t want her to feel like she was being pressured into feeling anything she didn’t really feel for him. 

The full moon had been a difficult one, he just wasn’t in the right headspace to handle it in the way he usually did, his mind kept turning back to the feel of Rosaline’s soft lips, it was barely a touch, a simple graze, but it sent his head into a tailspin, his stomach twisted with how nervous he’d been and how much he craved more than just a graze. 

Sirius had been the one to tell him that Rosaline was spending the weekend at the house, she had a drawer in an old desk to open that everyone believed had been sealed with a permanent sticking charm, if anyone could unstick it, it was Rosaline. 

Remus decided he would spend the weekend as well, knowing that the only people in the house would be himself, Rosaline, Sirius and possibly Mungdungus.

‘Yeah Dung will be around,’ Sirius confirmed. ‘I think he’s taking some old crap to sell on the market, you know, family heirlooms, nothing of importance.’

‘No, of course not.’ Remus grinned. 

‘I’m pretty sure there’s another boggart in a set of draws,’ Sirius causally mentioned, sipping his wine. ‘I’ll move it to the room next door to the desk.’

Remus rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t hate Sirius, he wanted to see Rosaline again, he wanted to talk to her and find out if she was okay and this may well have been his only chance. That was something he was finding was a regular habit of hers, she didn’t give him a lot of chances to speak to her and when the chance was there, it was brief and without much forward progress. Remus decided to put an end to his stuttering and hesitations, they were fighting a war and any day could be their last, he couldn’t watch her go on assignment without her knowing his full intentions to be with her.

Rosaline felt warm any time she walked through the door of Grimmauld Place, the place where she’d almost kissed Remus was something she tended to avoid, she couldn’t relive the memory too many times without feeling weak and helpless and without answers. She craved his touch, but there was no real explanation as to why she wanted it so much. 

Of course, Sirius was quick to point out the obvious that they were completely in love with each other, it only really occurred to Rosaline that she didn’t really know what that meant. She tried to watch Molly and Arthur, who were of course in love with each other, but none of their behaviour matched Rosaline’s or Remus’s in any way, so maybe they didn’t feel the same thing, maybe it wasn’t love… maybe she should have asked the one person who might have been able to confirm either way what she was feeling.

‘Cup of tea?’ Sirius said, startling Rosaline slightly while she worked on the desk draw, trying to unstick it. 

‘Erm, no thank you.’ Rosaline shook her head, kneeling down in front of the draw and feeling the pain flare in her knees. She pulled the sleeves of her shirt down, Sirius didn’t need to see those scars.

‘You sure? I’m making Remus one.’

Rosaline froze. Remus was in the house? Since when? What was he doing?

‘I’ll make one anyway.’ Sirius concluded from her silence and left.

Rosaline felt herself starting to shake with nervousness, all she could think about was the light touch of Remus’s lips. They were so warm, his fingers brushing against her jaw made her short of breath and for a moment, Rosaline really thought she would have a moment without pain, but with Tonks entering at the wrong time, that moment was suddenly interrupted and seemed so far away. 

Rosaline put it out of her mind for a while and concentrated on the task at hand. The draw was proving to be difficult and something that had her occupied for a few hours, not even realising that Sirius had come and gone with two cups of tea, both of which had gone cold.

‘Maybe you should take a break?’ Remus.

Rosaline’s head snapped up to the door to see him leaning casually against the doorframe, he smiled warmly and Rosaline felt her stomach starting to do flips. She swallowed and turned back to the draw to continue working.

Remus sighed and she suddenly remembered his warm breath against her skin, even that on it’s own felt good. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus said, stepping further inside the room, but not invading her space. ‘I want to tell you honestly that I’m still in love with you,’ Rosaline suddenly froze. ‘I want you to know that because I can’t think of anything worse than one of us going out on assignment and not coming back without knowing that. I want you to be happy and if that is with me, then I will do my best to always make you happy, if it is without me, then I hope you find what you’re looking for soon.’

Rosaline stayed still for the longest time, she couldn’t quite work out what to do with that information, it was a lot to think about and a lot to process. 

‘Okay.’ She nodded and continued to work on the drawer.

‘Okay? You understand what I’m saying?’ Remus asked, unsure of himself suddenly. Rosaline nodded. ‘Is there anything you’d like to say? Anything you want me to know?’

‘Not right now.’ Rosaline said, still unable to look at him.

Not right now. Remus was beginning to understand a little more about Rosaline, he understood that it was a lot to take in and a lot to process, but he had hoped for her to say a little more than four words to him. Not right now. At least she had understood him, at least she hadn’t gotten angry and thrown him out of the room, at least she was thinking about it. It was the best he could hope for, she hadn’t forgiven him and she hadn’t spoken about how she really felt save for her birthday, but Remus wasn’t counting that because she’d had a drink. 

Remus was at a loss for what to do next and so asked the one question he was sure would either push her over the edge or open up the conversation for something more hopeful.

‘Rosaline, did you want to kiss me?’ Remus watched her freeze again. ‘After your birthday, when we came back from that walk, I just want to know if I overstepped the mark or not… did you want to kiss me?’

She took a long time to think, a long time to respond, even taking a drink of her probably now cold tea, before finally swallowing, sitting back on her knees and nodding.

‘Yes.’ She whispered. It lifted Remus’s heart to know that she really did want him to kiss her, that he hadn’t overstepped the mark, that she would have kissed him if they hadn’t been interrupted. 

‘Okay.’ Remus nodded and swallowed nervously. ‘Okay, that’s good.’

‘Is it?’ She breathed, not quite meaning to say it out loud. Rosaline closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, Remus could tell this conversation was causing her some discomfort, it wasn’t enough to distract her from the pain she felt.

‘Of course, it is,’ Remus stepped a little closer. ‘Rosaline, I told you before that being attracted to someone is one of the most wonderful experiences you can have. Why don’t you think this is a good thing?’

‘Because it’s not supposed to be you.’ She snapped. ‘It wasn’t… it was never… you were right, it should have been someone like Oliver. Someone my age and someone who is appropriate for me.’

Remus frowned, he knew that she felt ashamed of her feelings, but the extent of it was something he didn’t really consider before now. He was determined to make her see that this was okay though, that this was really fine. 

‘Well, I’ve often found that age has never really been a defining factor for relationships,’ Remus started, hoping that he was pushing her just enough to get her to talk about this. ‘Plenty of people fall in love with someone who is either younger or older than them, in fact most people do, it’s not a defining factor… as for being appropriate, I can’t help but be caught between whether you’re right or not. Being a werewolf means I can’t give you what other men could-‘

‘It’s not because you’re a werewolf.’ Rosaline said with a layer of venom. ‘I’m not that shallow.’

Remus frowned. ‘Is it because I was your teacher?’ He asked and watch as the tears began flowing freely once again, indicating that yes it was. Remus let his breath go and stepped closer to her, kneeling down next to her and smiling. ‘Well, I’m not your teacher anymore, I haven’t been for nearly eighteen months and when I was teaching… I never felt like you were my student, just that you were my friend… does that make anything clearer for you?’

Rosaline sighed and returned to working on the drawer, it seemed to be coming loose and Remus almost couldn’t believe it, permanent sticking charms were exactly that and yet she managed to find a way around it. Rosaline was extraordinary. 

‘Yes,’ she nodded. ‘But I need to think.’

Remus almost deflated a little. ‘Rosaline, it seems to me that the more time you have to think on things, the less of a conclusion you seem to draw that leads you anywhere positive. What’s your first reaction to what I’ve said? Your first thought.’

Rosaline slowed her movements, her eyes flickering over her work, it was only then that Remus noticed a fresh cut on her wrist, it was just beginning to heal over, surely he couldn’t have driven her to that response? 

‘My first thought…’ she started, still focussing on the drawer. ‘I like the way you…’ Remus knew this was hard for her to say out loud and probably even more difficult to say to his face, but it was progress and that was all he was looking for. ‘Most things irritate me… my skin…’ she swallowed, her face was growing redder by the second. ‘But it just doesn’t… when you do it, it’s not bad.’ Rosaline nodded, indicating that was all she had to say.

‘You mean when I touch you, it feels… good?’ Remus chose his words carefully. She nodded. ‘Well, that is a very good thing.’ Remus smiled and something suddenly occurred to him. ‘Rosaline, when I held you, when you were scared or crying, or even when you were cold, did I help?’

‘Yes.’ She breathed and Remus let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding onto. He couldn’t tell her how much it mean to him that she enjoyed his touch, it meant more than he could put into words and certainly more than he could expect Rosaline to understand just yet. 

Remus cleared his throat. ‘Perhaps… if you ever need some small comfort, you could allow me to hold you again?’ Remus blushed at the phrasing and it only made Rosaline burn red again, it couldn’t have been comfortable for her, but she didn’t deny his request. ‘This war, however brief I hope it will be, will force us to confront things we never thought we would have to face; should we survive those encounters, you may find yourself in need of something that I’d be happy to provide. All you need to do is ask.’

‘Like what?’ Rosaline frowned.

Remus shrugged. ‘Different people need different things.’ He said. ‘I just don’t want you to deny yourself of your needs just because you feel you can’t have the things you want.’

It was the first time she looked at him properly, her red puffy eyes stared at him like he was the only thing worth looking at and he’d gladly sit still to allow her to watch him forever, if that was what she wanted. 

‘I don’t know what I want.’ Rosaline said it in a way that almost represented a question, was she really asking him to tell her?

‘Well, that’s okay, we can figure that out if you want and I think I might know some of the things you may want.’ 

Rosaline frowned.

‘Just wait here for a moment.’ 

Remus smiled and excitedly wandered towards Sirius’s bedroom, trying to find the small record player he knew was in there.

‘Lost something?’ Sirius said, casually leaning against his doorframe. 

‘That old record player I gave you.’ Remus said, looking around the space on the other side of the bed.

‘Bottom of the wardrobe, still got a couple of The Who albums as well.’ Sirius pointed to his record collection.

‘Great, can you grab one of them.’ Remus said, rummaging around in Sirius’s wardrobe for the record player.

‘I take it everything is going well then?’

‘It’s not going badly, which is better than expected.’ Remus quickly removed the dust from the ancient looking machine, Rosaline would love it. He looked up to see Sirius holding an album he recognised, but it wasn’t wild enough. ‘Actually have you got Tommy? It’s a better album for Rosaline’s taste.’

‘Yeah, I’m sure I do.’ Sirius quickly went about finding the requested vinyl. ‘So, have you told her how you feel about her? Properly, I mean.’

Remus sighed and ran his hand through his hair. ‘Yes, I have. She’s still processing it, but for the time being, we’re focussing on how she feels… complicated to say the least and I’m now starting to wonder if this is even a good idea.’

‘Of course it is!’ Sirius gently threw the album on the bed in front of Remus. ‘Love is always a good idea, you were the one who told me that when James and Lily first got together, how is this any different?’

‘I suppose it isn’t.’ Remus half smiled.

‘Exactly. Now go and play music and dance or whatever it is you guys do.’ Sirius encouraged, making Remus chuckle.

‘We don’t do much of anything at the moment.’ He confessed, standing up and lifting the slightly heavy player. ‘I forget sometimes how much I enjoy the quiet, I think Rosaline enjoys it as well… well, that’s what I’m hoping to find out.’

Remus quickly left Sirius’s room to find that Rosaline hadn’t left, she was still working on the drawer and Remus was just glad that she didn’t leave when she had the chance. He went about setting up the music and to his delight, she had taken notice and wandered over to look at the album cover.

‘The Who?’ Rosaline said, more to herself than anything.

‘1969 they released an amazing album called Tommy,’ Remus explained, knowing she enjoyed the history of music as much as the sound of it. ‘That’s what we’re hopefully about to listen to, but this is a good few years old, so bear with me.’ 

Remus finally managed to get the music to play and watched as her face lit up, she loved it and Remus smiled widely. She took a moment to listen to the rocky sound, before clearing her throat and half smiling at him.

‘Thank you for my birthday present.’ She said softly. ‘I listen to them at work.’

‘I’m very glad to hear that,’ Remus nodded. ‘I remembered how much you loved music and thought at least someone could appreciate the sound of a few of my favourite musicians.’

Rosaline nodded and Remus could see that she was trying. ‘You remembered I like honey chocolate as well.’

‘I did. And you like watermelon strips, even though the sugar scratches your mouth, but you think sometimes the taste is worth it.’ Remus remembered her saying it when she came back from Hogsmeade once. 

Rosaline nodded, but shifted awkwardly. ‘I don’t know that stuff about you… I don’t really know anything.’

‘Well, what would you like to know?’ Remus encouraged.

It was a while before Rosaline answered, for a moment, Remus was convinced she was just listening to the music, feeling quite content with it. ‘Favourite chocolate?’ She asked, knowing it was a slightly weak question, but it was safe enough and that was okay with Remus, he didn’t mind taking the time.

‘Honey chocolate as well.’ Remus smiled. ‘When I introduced it to you, I wanted to share something I enjoyed with someone who I thought would appreciate it the way I do.’

She nodded and thought of another question. ‘Favourite book?’

‘Favourite book?’ Remus chuckled. ‘I don’t think I could pick one, erm, let me see, I like muggle classics, things like Agatha Christie is always entertaining, Macbeth is a good one, it’s got the muggle version of witches in it, very funny… I suppose I enjoy whatever takes me to another world, I think that’s what reading is all about.’ Remus finished and noticed that Rosaline seemed entranced by his words, something that gave him great pleasure. ‘What’s your favourite book?’

‘Erm… Wandering with Werewolves,’ she frowned. ‘It’s by Gilderoy Lockhart, I read it last year. I think it’s supposed to be a comedy.’ 

Remus half laughed and nodded. ‘I think most of us would consider it such. Lockhart was good with memory charms and took credit for another wizard’s achievements, forcing them to forget what they did. He added a little flair and flourish and wrote as if he were the one who performed these great acts.’

Rosaline nodded and Remus could see that she felt a little stupid for thinking what she did about Lockhart’s books. 

‘What else do you want to know?’ Remus leaned back against another desk just next to the door and waited for her to ask any question she wanted.

‘How old are you?’ The question seemed like a question in itself, like she was asking if it was the right question to ask.

‘I am thirty-five, though I am somewhat aware that the greying hairs make me look much older.’ Remus joked, it made Rosaline smile slightly. 

‘Do you have brothers? Or sisters?’

‘No, no, I’m an only child.’ Remus said, a little sadly. ‘I would have loved to have had a brother, but given my condition, my parents thought it best not to have another child.’

She nodded and turned her attention back to the album cover. 

‘I don’t think my mum meant to have me.’ She frowned, grazing her fingers over the vinyl.

‘Doesn’t mean she didn’t love you.’ Remus felt the conversation take a slightly sadder tone. ‘Rosaline, a lot of people who have children don’t always intend to have them, but it doesn’t mean that those children are unwanted or a burden of any sort… is that how you feel?’

Rosaline suddenly turned away, but Remus knew that she was crying heavily. Remus knew she felt like a disappointment and he knew she felt guilty about what happened to her mother, but it didn’t mean that she couldn’t live a full and happy life.

‘Rosaline.’ Remus stood up and approached her carefully, trying to figure out if it was okay to touch her. ‘Please don’t cry, there’s no need to be upset.’ Nothing he said could help her and so Remus decided to take a chance. ‘Rosaline, it’s okay.’ 

He gently reached out, touching the top of her arm softly, she wasn’t resisting him, maybe this was okay. Remus stepped a little closer, allowing both of his hands to run down her arms, he could feel her gently leaning back against him and for a while it was bliss, but Rosaline was still crying. He could smell her hair, there was something sweet covered over by the smell of dust from the house, he wished he could run a bath for her and try to help her relax in some way. 

Rosaline shifted, the movement was so small that it could have been easily missed, but Remus allowed her to give into what she wanted. He carefully moved her body to turn and face him, wrapping his arms around her, one hand around her small waist and the other on her upper back, gently rubbing soothing circles. 

‘For the record,’ Remus whispered into her hair. ‘I enjoy this as much as you do. I like the way you feel.’

Remus felt her hands press lightly on his waist, her whole body relaxed and Remus finally felt like they were getting somewhere. He held onto her for as long as it took for her to stop crying, but when she did, he found he didn’t want to let go just yet. His fingers had found the back of her neck and began massaging her muscles as softly as he could, hoping it provided her with some comfort. 

Remus wasn’t sure how long they stood holding each other, but they only stopped when the sound of people entering the house could be heard. Remus placed a gently kiss to the top of her head and took half a step back, smiling down at her. To his surprise, she was smiling back and it warmed him to think that she enjoyed the experience as much as him.

‘I suppose we should head down for the meeting.’ Remus suggested and Rosaline took a moment to breathe. He took another chance and gently brought his hand up to her cheek, letting his thumb stroke the skin softly. He could spend hours counting the freckles on her cheeks and never get bored. ‘I don’t think I’ve mentioned how beautiful you are today.’ Rosaline gently bit her lip, stopping herself smiling too widely. 

Remus suddenly found himself watching her bright green eyes flicker towards his lips, he knew exactly what she wanted and he would gladly give it to her. Remus slowly leaned in, once again feeling her shallow breath against his lips, her body grazing his-

‘Rosie!’ Tonks came bounding up to the room they were in and Remus stepped away, sighing with frustration. ‘Sorry, Remus, didn’t realise you were here as well. Meeting’s about to start, cuppa tea?’

‘Please.’ Remus nodded, suddenly aware that he was a little short of breath.

‘No problem.’ Tonks winked and turned her attention to Rosaline, who was trying to hide her blush. ‘You coming?’

‘Yeah, just need to grab my things.’ Rosaline nodded and proceeded to collect up her tools.

Tonks just shrugged and headed back down to the kitchen, leaving Remus and Rosaline alone once again. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus approached her slowly. ‘Are you alright?’

‘I’m fine.’ She said, but Remus had the impression she wasn’t just saying, that she was more okay than she was before.

‘You can tell me if you’re not, you know that, don’t you?’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Rosaline nodded, quickly packing up her things, ready to leave Remus once again.

‘Because, I’m not fine.’ Remus suddenly said, unaware of his own words. Rosaline stopped and looked up at him, worriedly. ‘I hate that I’ve had two chances to kiss you and both times we were interrupted… it’s incredibly frustrating.’

She didn’t quite know what to say and Remus couldn’t blame her, he’d let his frustration get the better of him and it confused her. 

‘I understand.’ Rosaline nodded, she swallowed nervously. ‘Can I help?’

Remus half laughed. ‘You can hope the next time I try to kiss you Tonks won’t interrupt us.’ 

They both chuckled and Remus felt the frustration lift. 

‘Maybe…’ Rosaline, went to change her mind, before finding her courage. ‘Maybe… I don’t know.’ 

‘Maybe, I shouldn’t care.’ Remus completed her thoughts, her cheeks reddened. ‘You’re probably right… though I feel like the moment has passed and we are now late for a meeting.’

Rosaline smiled and picked up the rest of her things while Remus stopped the music, before escorting her downstairs to the kitchen.


	22. In Need

Over the weeks leading up to Christmas, Remus didn’t have much time to see Rosaline, but things were getting better, she wasn’t avoiding him unless she was having a bad day, but even then she was responsive. He thought a lot about a Christmas present for her and remembered her joy at him wanting to share something he enjoyed with her, maybe he could have gotten her something he loved and hoped that she loved it as well. 

He’d heard early in December that Rosaline had both been on regular patrols for the Order and the ministry, often being sent to Knockturn Alley or to the Department of Mysteries. He’d also heard that she had sustained a couple of minor injuries, but it worried him immensely; given her circumstance a small injury could feel like an agonising one.

Remus went to her room after a meeting with the Order to find she was lying on her bed, eyes closed, taking a deep, steady breaths. He was in two minds about whether to alert her to his presence, but they both needed the company.

‘Rosaline?’ He gently knocked on the half open door. She opened her eyes and her could see they were red again. ‘Are you alright? Do you need anything?’

‘I’m okay.’ She croaked.

‘No, you’re not, you’re in agony.’ Remus stepped into her room and gently let the door close behind him, before sitting on the edge of her bed. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

Rosaline swallowed, taking a deep breath and Remus gently held her hand, the simple contact was helping. Remus watched her eyes close as he began running his hands softly over hers, occasionally taking a chance and moving a little further up her arm, but only as much as she felt comfortable with. 

After a while, he noticed that she had fallen asleep and it warmed him to think that he’d helped her get some rest.

Her assignments didn’t get easier and there was one that had Remus rushing back to Grimmauld Place to see her. 

A few Death Eaters were lurking down Knockturn Alley and spotted Rosaline and Tonks, recognising them immediately. Tonks made it out with some chest pains from a stunner, but Rosaline had been caught by the Cruciatis Curse and let out a terrifying scream, before passing out. Remus heard that she had yet to regain consciousness and he knew that it was a very bad situation.

He arrived just as Molly was leaving her room, she was a little startled to see him, but he got the words out to ask how Rosaline was doing.

‘She’s sleeping, Remus.’ Molly said calmly. ‘It’s best to leave her to recover for a while, she’s had quite the ordeal.’

It took a little encouragement to get Remus to go downstairs to the kitchen, he wanted to see her, to let her know that she was okay, she would survive this, but he also didn’t want her to be overwhelmed, there was only so much he could do anyway. No one was really talking about what happened and Remus was getting desperate for any information on what happened. Luckily Sirius had noted his concern and decided to help him get up to the room without anyone seeing.

Finally, his opportunity came when Molly was being distracted by Sirius, he took the stairs two at a time all the way to her room, before opening it slowly to see Rosaline lying in her bed, sweating heavily and entirely uncomfortable. It was like her clothes were scratching her and every so often she would let out a sob. She must have been able to focus her mind enough to tell Molly she was fine, enough to convince everyone to leave her alone while she recovered in the only way she knew how.

‘Rosaline.’ Remus said quietly, unsure if the noise would disturb her too much. Remus tried to tread quietly as he approached the bed, her breathing was still stuttered and out of sync, like she was barely able to hang onto a single breath. Remus carefully sat on the edge of the bed, unsure of if he should have touched her. ‘Rosaline, I want to help.’

Rosaline’s hand was placed on her stomach, holding the material as if that was the place she had been hit. Remus wanted to cry, no, he didn’t, he wanted to hold her. Remus wanted to help her feel better for a while, even if it was just for a while.

‘Rosaline, it’s okay, just breathe,’ Remus said. ‘Deep breaths and try to relax.’

To his surprise, she did just that, her eyes were closed and she forced a breath into her lungs. At least she recognised that he was trying to help, at least she could breathe, but it still wasn’t enough. 

‘Please.’ She breathed, begging him for something. 

For a moment, Remus wasn’t sure what it was she wanted from him, so he did the only thing Remus felt he could do that would help. He gently slid his hand beneath hers and let his thumb drift across the skin. Rosaline turned her head towards her hand and he could tell she was trying hard to focus on the movement. 

He eventually brought his other hand to place on top and allowed the tips of his fingers to drift over the skin as softly as he could.

‘Does it help?’ Remus asked.

‘Yes.’ She breathed again, but Remus wasn’t completely convinced. Rosaline lost control of her breathing for a moment and let out a sob. ‘It hurts so much.’ She cried and Remus swallowed the lump in his throat.

‘I know, I know it does.’ He said, moving closer and stroking his hand through her hair. ‘But I’m here to make it better, I’m here to help, just tell me what you need.’

Rosaline leaned into his touch and carefully opened her eyes, it was only then that he noticed the darkened circles around her eyes making her skin look especially pale, her eyes were almost pure red around the green iris. The tears flowed freely, but she did everything she could to focus on his touch. Remus tried to remember, he tried to think about anything she had told him about how she handled pain, one of the things she mentioned helped was taking a shower, but she wasn’t in any condition to do that just yet.

‘What if I run you a bath?’ Remus offered. ‘No irritations for your skin and you can be alone for a while without people rushing to see if you’re okay.’ Remus tried to joke, but he could suddenly see the panic in her eyes.

‘Don’t leave me.’ She whispered.

‘I won’t, I won’t.’ Remus immediately responded, placing a soft kiss to her forehead. He didn’t really take in what it was he was saying, he just didn’t want her to panic anymore.

Remus let his lips linger just a little longer against her damp skin, she needed a bath and she needed to sleep for a while.

‘Rosaline, I’m not leaving you, but I really think a bath would help.’ Remus tried to smile and stroked her hair. ‘I’ll just get it running and be right back. Okay? Just breathe for me and think about what music you’d like to listen to.’ 

Remus waited until he could see her thinking about something that wasn’t the pain, before heading into the bathroom and starting to fill the free standing tub. All the bathrooms were similar in Grimmauld Place, black tiled with white tubs, it wasn’t exactly homely, but then neither was Grimmauld Place. He decided that a hot bath would only irritate her further and made sure that he ran the cold tap for a little longer than he usually would.

Before it was finished running, Remus quickly went to the door to check that Rosaline was still breathing and thinking about music. Her fist was clenched as she struggled to think, but she was keeping her breathing steady and that was all he wanted her to do. 

Remus eventually went back into the bedroom after deciding that the bath was warm enough for her and placed his hands back to the previous position, holding her hand and stroking her hair softly. He didn’t make her move straight away, but the bath would go cold if he put it off much longer.

‘Rosaline,’ he whispered, watching her eyes flutter open. ‘The bath is ready for you.’

‘Stay.’ She breathed and Remus was almost sure of what she was really asking, but he needed to be exactly sure before he did anything.

Remus cleared his throat. ‘You want me to stay with you, while you’re in the bath?’

Suddenly a wave of pain overtook her starting at her clenched fist and seemingly moving outwards to the rest of her body. Remus did his part and encouraged her to breathe and try to focus on his movements over her skin, she managed to find her focus for long enough for Remus to help her sit up. He quickly manoeuvred himself behind her, letting her head rest back against his shoulder, the position was one that relaxed her immediately as Remus was able to wrap his arms around her small frame, keeping her safe in his embrace.

‘We need to get you into the bathroom.’ Remus softly kissed the top of her head. ‘I won’t leave you, I’ll be right here to help.’ He promised.

The tears began falling again and Remus knew it was because she needed to move from the comfortable position she’d found, but if he could just get her to the bath, everything would be better, she would feel so much better.

Rosaline’s whole body was rigid, any movement was difficult for her to make. Remus helped her stand up, but she desperately needed him for support, he didn’t mind taking her weight, any of it, all of it if that helped her. 

They eventually got to the bathroom and Rosaline took a moment to lean on the sink and catch her breath. Remus could see her trying so hard to remain calm, but the pain continued to bubble just beneath the surface. He decided to act in her best interest and put all of his worry and hesitation to one side.

Remus rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and gently placed his hand on her shoulder, letting her lean back against him again. ‘You need to get undressed, I can help you if you need me to?’

‘Please.’ It seemed her desire to be pain free was outweighing her embarrassment of being naked in front of him.

Remus gently helped her take her jumper off, lifting it delicately over her head, next her t-shirt, before moving down to her jeans. Remus tried so hard to distract his mind from how he felt about her body, she had more scars than even he did and probably more of them were self-inflicted. Granted, a few looked as if they were from somewhat natural causes, but the rest of her body was about as beautiful as Remus imagined it would be, possibly more so. Her skin was smooth in between the scars, cool and milky. Rosaline didn’t spend much time outside and when she did, it probably wasn’t to get a tan, so it wasn’t surprising that her body looked like it had never seen sunlight before.

Remus refocussed on her jeans, unzipping them, before gently helping each leg out, trying hard not to irritate her skin, though he found her instinct was to move towards his hands and not away. It suddenly dawned on him that she was resisting her feelings towards him again.

‘Rosaline,’ he manoeuvred her back against his chest and kissed her temple. ‘You’re already struggling, I’m here to give you what you need… anything you need.’ 

She was still sweating and Remus was trying hard not to focus on her full chest, he closed his eyes and tried to find a new train of thought, unclasping her bra and looking away before letting fall to the floor, he did the same with her underwear, before gently wrapping his arms around her, keeping her shivering body warm.

Remus could feel her head turning slightly, she was giving up her resistance and allowing him to help her in the way she clearly needed. He helped her into the bath, finding it was just on the colder side and bringing out his wand to heat it up a little. The water immediately seemed to help her calm down, it didn’t irritate her skin and she was able to curl up against the side of the bath and let Remus stroke through her hair.

Rosaline kept her eyes closed as she relaxed into his touch, she shifted a few times against the rim of the tub and Remus reached for a soft towel for her to rest her head on. Finally, she let out a deep breath and Remus half smiled down at her fragile figure. He’d put in an oil that turned the water white, while she was trusting him to take care of her, he didn’t want her to feel she was losing any dignity. 

‘Does that feel better?’ Remus asked and watched her slowly nod. ‘Good, just try to relax and I’ll take care of you.’

Remus flicked his wand towards her record player, letting whatever was last playing echo through her room. He wasn’t sure how he felt about her listening to his old album From Her To Eternity, but if it made her remember happier times then he wouldn’t complain. He gently scooped up a handful of water and poured it over her hair, reaching for her shampoo and carefully massaging it in. 

Rosaline hummed softly while he worked to make her feel relaxed, he didn’t need her to move or adjust herself, if she was comfortable then that was fine, he would continue to take care of her however she wanted him too. Remus couldn’t help but let his eyes drift over the skin on her neck and shoulder, it looked so smooth and soft, he wanted to trace his hand over it, but he needed to focus on the task at hand.

Remus gently scooped up the water to rinse out the jasmine shampoo, it invaded his senses and made him remember all the times he held her and that was all he could smell in her hair. He loved those moments, she just felt so right in his arms, her skin made his feel warm beneath the surface.

‘Is this okay?’ Remus asked, gently moving her hair from her shoulder to the back of her neck, his fingers drifted over her skin, noting how she instinctively moved towards him.

‘Don’t stop.’ She whispered and Remus heard his heart pumping louder and louder. 

He didn’t hesitate for long and dragged his slender fingers over her neck and shoulder, tracing the line of her collarbone, Rosaline turned her head so that she was leaning back against the tub, the top of her head, gently pressing against Remus’s chest while he continued to trace his hand over her skin. He leaned down to kiss her temple and again noted how she once again leaned into his touch, he let his lips drift over her cheek and listened to the soft sigh she let out. 

Remus felt something warm shoot through him and decided not to push his luck any further, this was about her and what she needed, not him and his desires. 

‘Is that good?’ He whispered next to her.

‘Yes.’ Rosaline breathed and it made Remus smile.

‘Do you want me to keep going?’ Remus felt the stillness of her body momentarily. ‘This about you Rosaline and what you need right now. It’s okay to be selfish for a while.’ 

She let out a breath and nodded, allowing Remus to move his hands over her shoulders and down her arms, the skin was so smooth and impossibly soft, he didn’t dare move to any other part of her body. 

Remus continued his movements over her skin for a while, occasionally kissing her cheek and listening to her sigh into his touch. He could have done this for the rest of his life, feeling her soft, milky skin, listening to her body respond to him, wanting him and what he could give. It was perfect.

‘Remus.’ She whispered.

‘Yes?’ Remus kissed her temple.

‘Your shirt,’ she swallowed her discomfort. ‘It’s hurting me.’

Remus noticed that the damp sleeves of his shirt were tracing her skin following his hands. He quickly unbuttoned it, debating whether to take his t-shirt off as well and deciding it was best, before stroking her hair and resuming his tender, strokes over her skin. 

‘Is that better?’ Remus whispered.

‘It’s good.’ 

It was the whisper of a smile that had Remus swallowing the lump in his throat. She was okay, she may not have been well again or even recovered, but as long as he was gentle with her and treated her body with delicacy, she would be okay.

‘Are you hungry?’ Remus asked grabbing his wand and reheating the water again. Rosaline shook her head, she probably couldn’t stomach anything substantial, but he wanted her to eat something, at least have a cup of tea. ‘What about some chocolate then?’

‘Okay.’ She said, letting her head fall to one side, exposing more of her neck. 

Remus placed a small kiss there, before slowly heading back into the bedroom to get her some chocolate to eat. When he returned she had turned her whole body to one side and was watching a point on the wall next to the door, her eyes were still red and green, with dark circles around them, but she didn’t look in as much pain anymore. 

Rosaline’s gaze flickered to Remus who hadn’t bothered to put his shirt back on and just stood in his usual brown trousers. He suddenly realised that she was looking at every one of his scars, her cheeks were reddening, but there seemed to be an understanding there.

When her gaze dropped away, Remus sat on the cold floor next to her, breaking off a piece of chocolate and handing to her. Rosaline tentatively took it and placed the square on her tongue, closing her eyes against the soft towel on the edge of the bath and just absorbed the warmth that presumably was now running through her body.

‘Looks like that helped a little.’ Remus shifted closer to rest on top of his arm on the side of the tub and stroke her hair as gently as he could. ‘Do you feel warmer?’ Rosaline nodded. ‘Good, it’s a step in the right direction… I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner, I came as soon as I heard, but Molly thought it best to let you rest on your own.’

Her green eyes half opened and she watched him lazily with a twitch of a smile forming. ‘So, why are you here?’ Her voice was soft and croaky, like she wasn’t quite equipped to use it properly just yet.

‘Because I wanted to help,’ Remus let his gaze drift over her pretty features. ‘And I know that you feel better when I’m around… even if the reasoning upsets you.’

It was a long time before Rosaline responded, she was thinking very hard about what she wanted to say, conserving her energy while did.

‘It’s not that it upsets me exactly,’ she said. ‘I… never needed anyone before you… never wanted anyone… you make me feel like… why do I need you so much?’ Rosaline let her tears go, Remus could see this was a struggle for her, that she didn’t quite have the words to express the way she felt, possibly she didn’t even have the ability to figure out how she did feel. 

‘It’s okay,’ Remus shifted closer, gently wiping her tears away. ‘It’s alright… you’re allowed to need things, you’re most certainly allowed to want things. Maybe you feel you need me because I need you too… being around you, taking care of you, making you happy, it’s all I want really.’

‘But why?’

Remus half laughed. ‘Because when you love someone, you want them to have everything. Because seeing you smile is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Because you deserve to be happy.’

Rosaline sniffed and moved her hand towards his on the side of the tub, Remus immediately placed his on top of hers and ran his thumb over the skin.

‘Why did you leave me?’ She whispered. ‘You promised you wouldn’t leave of your own accord… and then you did.’

Remus closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Because I sincerely believed that you would lead a better life without me, I thought that with my condition going public that anyone associated with me would be compromised as a result, I couldn’t do that to someone I feel this strongly for… some days I think I might have been right if this war hadn’t started, others I think what an idiot I was.’

‘You should have said something,’ Rosaline agreed. ‘At least you shouldn’t have promised me that you’d stay.’ 

‘I didn’t know at that point that I would leave,’ Remus defended. ‘But I suppose I should have at least talked to you about what I thought would have been best for both of us. Even if I was wrong.’

Rosaline just watched him for a moment, it was clear that she was still in pain, probably exhausted, still feeling ashamed of herself for what happened, but he could also see that she didn’t mind him seeing those things and it gave Remus so much hope.

‘I’m glad you let me help you, Rosaline.’ Remus admitted, watching her eyes snap up to his and her cheeks redden. ‘I hope I didn’t step over any lines, but if I did, please tell me?’

Her green orbs began filling with tears and it had Remus’s flicker of hope fading. ‘I feel better,’ she said and took a moment to tear her gaze away. ‘I just never wanted anyone to see me like this.’ The floodgates opened and Remus immediately wrapped his arms around her frail body beneath the water line, kissing her forehead and allowing her to sob for a while.

‘You don’t need to feel ashamed,’ he told her. ‘Rosaline, you are so much more beautiful to me now than you were before.’ He felt her sobs lessen. ‘To allow yourself to be seen like this and be a little selfish for a while… well, I think you’re the most beautiful thing I have seen.’ 

Remus didn’t let her go, he held onto her for as long as she needed, but eventually the water began to get cold and Rosaline began shivering again.

‘I think some sleep would do you good,’ Remus kissed her forehead again. ‘You want me to take you to bed?’

Rosaline nodded, but didn’t let go of his arm just yet. ‘Will you stay?’ She whispered, Remus could feel the warmth coming from her cheeks as the reddened again. 

‘Of course, I’ll stay.’ Remus promised. 

He helped her slowly get out of the bathtub and wrapped a warm fluffy towel around her body, again doing his best not to stare at her body too much. The bath definitely helped as she seemed more capable of moving alone, but Remus still wanted to support her as he led her back into the bedroom.

Remus quickly her dried her hair and peeled the sheets back for her to climb into bed. Everything about her bed was soft and perfectly suited to her needs, Rosaline took a deep breath and relaxed into the fluffy pillow. He knelt beside the bed and ran his hands through her hair.

‘Rosaline, I’m so sorry that this happened to you,’ Remus whispered. ‘If I had been there to-

‘If you had been there it would have happened to you.’ She interrupted, taking a deep, slow breath. ‘What makes you think I’d feel any better about that?’

Remus smiled. ‘I think that might mean you care for me, as much as I care for you?’

Rosaline smiled and Remus could have kissed her there and then. ‘Maybe it does.’ She said, her eyes were still dark, but it didn’t seem to affect how wonderful she looked when she smiled. Remus could tell she wanted to ask him something, but she hesitated, biting gently on her lip. He couldn’t help himself, Remus dragged his thumb across her jaw and slowly pulled her lip away from her teeth, watching how the soft flesh moved easily for him. He could feel her warm breath against the tip of his thumb, before suddenly remembering she needed to sleep.

‘Do you need anything else from me?’ He asked, hearing the slight crack in his own voice.

‘Sleep with me.’ She breathed, her eyes suddenly widened and her cheeks burnt red. ‘I’m sorry,’ she stuttered. ‘You don’t… I shouldn’t have asked… I’m sorry.’

Remus took a long steady breath, moving his hand back to her hair. ‘I’m worried my trousers will irritate your skin,’ Remus frowned, brushing the back of his fingers against her red, hot cheek. ‘If you don’t mind me taking them off, I’ll gladly sleep with you.’ Rosaline looked up at him, surprised at his response and not quite understanding why he would want to sleep with her. ‘I told you this is about you, I want you to be selfish, I want to give you everything Rosaline… this seems like such a small thing to give.’

Remus placed another kiss to her forehead before standing up to remove his trousers, he figured his briefs were soft enough that they wouldn’t irritate her and he wasn’t quite ready for her to feel that much of him just yet. 

Rosaline’s eyes drifted over his torso, taking all of him in, she once again showed no sign of judging him for his scars or average body, she just seemed to enjoy watching him. Remus rounded the bed and slipped in behind her, carefully sliding his hand under the pillow and around her waist, cradling her whole body in his.

Remus kissed her shoulder and breathed in the smell of jasmine which had his head dizzying a little. ‘Goodnight Rosaline.’ Remus whispered into her hair.

‘Thank you.’ Rosaline breathed and finally she was able to get some rest.


	23. Her Needs Over Mine, Always

Remus had woken early the next morning to find Rosaline still fast asleep, his limbs tangled with hers, feeling her warm body pressing against his and nothing about it seeming unnatural or untoward, but he needed to leave to head out on assignment with another pack. He’d made a promise on her birthday to always leave a card or a note, in case he didn’t come back and that was exactly what he intended to do.

Remus carefully untangled himself from her, got dressed and wrote her a letter detailing what he felt about the previous night, where he was going and how when he got back, he’d love to have dinner with her if she was feeling better.

He didn’t really want to leave her, he wanted to stay and make sure she wasn’t still feeling the effects of the Cruciatis curse, he wanted to make her breakfast and a cup of tea and make her smile while talking to her about music, but life in war time just didn’t allow for those kind of luxuries. 

Remus placed a kiss against her head and left her sleeping.

‘How did it go?’ Sirius asked, sipping his tea in just his dressing gown and leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen. Remus was still buttoning up his shirt with his jacket flung over his shoulder. 

‘Fine.’ Remus answered.

‘Just fine? Or did something happen?’ He grinned.

‘Nothing happened, you saw the condition she was in.’ 

‘Alright, alright,’ Sirius held his hand up in defence. ‘So, what did happen?’

‘Nothing, I told you,’ Remus shook his head. ‘She took a bath and went to sleep, it’s all she could do.’

He was about to leave Grimmauld Place when Sirius stopped. ‘Wait, so is that it? Come on, I’m locked up here all day and all you can say is that? You just came from her room, something more must have happened.’

‘Look,’ Remus slid on his jacket and went for the door. ‘Rosaline needs to rest and I’m finally getting her to talk about things, please don’t ruin this for me. I can’t break anymore promises with her. Please try and understand.’

Remus was already late and couldn’t wait for a reply.

Rosaline’s head was pounding when she woke up, her body was aching, but not in the usual way, it was like something was missing and the previous day came flooding back in one sweeping motion. She’s been hit with the Cruciatis curse, Molly had tried to comfort her, she tried to pretend it was working so that she could be left in peace, she was ready to give up on life. Then Remus showed up. He helped her, he gave her exactly what she needed, she didn’t even need to ask, he just knew and he didn’t judge her, he wanted to do those things.

Rosaline turned over, taking a deep breath and trying to concentrate on something that wasn’t the radiating pain that was running through her entire body. She focused on the way Remus felt dragging his fingers over her collarbone and neck, nothing seemed to hurt when he touched her, the usual sensation of sharp knives digging beneath her skin was non-existent, all pain seemed to disappear.

Rosaline moved onto her back and laid out fully beneath the soft sheets, she felt two things very suddenly and simultaneously, one, she was naked and two there was a letter lying on the cool pillow where Remus should have been.

Rosaline,

I’ll be gone by the time you read this. On assignment. I won’t bore you with the details, I’m sure you’ll hear about it from someone before I return, but I know you were especially upset on your birthday when I didn’t attach a card to your present. I promised if I went on a dangerous assignment again that I would leave a note, so here’s me, keeping my promise. I’ve learnt my lesson.

I want you to know some things that I feel about yesterday… I think I fell more in love with you than I’ve ever felt before. I realise that you spent most of the time in pain and in need, but I spent the time watching a wonderfully brave and courageous woman trying to hold onto her faith in life. And I hope you succeeded. 

I was worried about overstepping the line and taking advantage of the trust you were putting in me, but I want you to know that I only acted on what I saw you wanted and none of my own desires. I don’t want you to feel ashamed of showing me your body in that light, it was beautiful. 

Seeing you in that way only reminded me of the strength you possess, the courage you have to get through the bad days and come out with your faith still intact. If I should be so lucky as to see you like that again, I will make sure that it will be under better circumstances, ones where you can be selfish and ask for what you need, I promise, there’s nothing you could ask that I wouldn’t give.

When I get back, I’d like us to have dinner, the way we used to, I want to talk to you about how you feel about yesterday, I want to know if you feel the same way I do and if you do, then I’ll know that we are making progress. If not, then I hope I at least gave you something of what you may have needed.

I’d like to take you back to the spot in the hills at Hogwarts, the one with the stunning view, I remember your face looking out at the castle sometimes, you were especially beautiful that day and it only served as a reminder of why I am completely underserving of such a woman. But I want to be worth your love, I want to be good enough for you. So, I’ll keep going out on assignment, I’ll write you a note every time to tell you I love you and I’ll come back safe and sound, and we can listen to music together, you’ll smile at some stupid story and I’ll feel worthy of you. That’s all I ever really wanted.

I love you Rosaline.

I will come back to you.

Remus

Rosaline put down the letter and realised she was smiling. The memory of Remus kissing her face and holding her close to his body through the night, all of those little moments they shared were exactly what she had wanted for so long… so why did she still feel ashamed? 

Rosaline waved her hand to play the music from the previous day, she remembered it playing while Remus washed her hair, his fingers massaging her scalp gently and carefully so as not to cause her any pain. It felt so good, better than anything she’d ever felt before, it was complete bliss. And then, to find out that Remus enjoyed it as much as she did was more than she ever hoped for.

The bath had been exactly what she needed to help her focus, nothing about it irritated her skin, it just cocooned her in a warmth that matched Remus’s hands and the pain seemed to flood out of her for a while.

Rosaline got in the shower and went through her usual routine. It was much slower and eventually she was back in bed, with a broken sneakoscope, trying to focus her efforts into fixing it and ignore the radiating pain. She couldn’t stand the thought of getting dressed properly and so just threw on an old, soft t-shirt that she used for sleeping in. It was worse than usual, the pain creeped forward to the front of her mind and every so often Rosaline needed to stop what she was doing and breathe slowly.

‘It’s nice to see you up,’ Molly said quietly, entering the room. ‘I brought you a cup of tea and some lunch in case you felt the stairs were a bit much.’ Rosaline smiled as best she could, she loved Molly, she was the only motherly figure Rosaline had in her life anymore and she never took it for granted. ‘How are you feeling? Much the same, or a little better?’

‘Better.’ Rosaline croaked, having not used her voice since waking up. 

‘Well, that is good to hear,’ Molly smiled and sat on the edge of the bed. It was clear there was something else she wanted to say. ‘Did Remus… was he here last night?’

Rosaline frowned, not exactly understanding why Molly would be asking. She nodded anyway.

‘And you were okay with that?’ 

More confused than before, Rosaline nodded slowly. 

‘Are you sure?’

‘I don’t understand.’ Rosaline croaked again.

‘I just want you to be safe, Rosie, and if Remus is-‘

‘Molly.’ Sirius had appeared at the door, he had a deep set frown on his face and Molly immediately looked a little guilty. ‘Can I have a word?’

Their word wasn’t exactly quiet outside Rosaline’s bedroom door, she heard snippets of the conversation and it didn’t seem like a comfortable experience for anyone involved.

‘…she’s clearly uncomfortable around him…’

‘She’s uncomfortable around everyone!’

‘She doesn’t want to be around him.’

‘You need to let her make that choice on her own.’

‘Sirius, you are being incredibly irresponsible, I know he’s your friend-‘

‘He’s in love.’

‘She might not be!’

‘Have you asked her that?’

‘Have you?’

‘What’s going on?’ Remus. 

Suddenly all Rosaline could hear was very hushed whispers and it made her very uncomfortable, more so than when she could hear what was being said. 

‘Maybe it’s time you both took her actual needs into consideration.’ Remus snapped. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I don’t have much time before I need to leave again.’

Remus opened the door all the way and entered into Rosaline’s bedroom, shutting it behind him and sighing. He was wearing a heavy black cloak and much more torn clothes than he usually wore and Rosaline presumed it was all to fit in with the werewolf packs he was visiting. The echo of Sirius and Molly still arguing could be heard beyond the door, Remus quickly flicked his wand and put up a silencing charm, all noise outside of the bedroom stopped. 

There was a moment where they both just watched each other, unsure of what to do or say and much to her own surprise Rosaline was the first to break the tension.

‘I read your letter.’ Her voice still very hoarse.

Remus inhaled deeply and nodded with a half-smile. ‘Did you… erm… you have something you’d like to say?’ Why was everything suddenly so awkward?

‘Yes…’ Rosaline nodded and put her tools down to stop her fiddling while she spoke, but the words didn’t seem to emerge. 

Remus clearly sensed it was a struggle and removed his cloak, carefully keeping his distance as he sat down at the end of the bed. Rosaline opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before closing it and deciding that she didn’t really know what to say. 

‘May I ask a question?’ Remus offered. Rosaline nodded, fiddling with her hands. ‘Rosaline, I was worried that when I left this morning, you’d wake feeling ashamed of everything that happened yesterday… is that the case?’

Rosaline held onto her tears, she was determined not to let them fall, she was already tired though and couldn’t help the odd one escaping. ‘I don’t want to feel like this anymore.’ She sniffed, Remus shifted a little closer.

‘You don’t have to,’ he said. ‘Rosaline, what is it that is making you feel this way? Is it that you were vulnerable? Or was it because it was me?’

Rosaline frowned, thinking about the questions. ‘I think… both… I didn’t want you to see me like that.’

Remus sighed and ran his hand through his hair. ‘Rosaline, there’s nothing wrong with your body.’ Rosaline’s cheeks lit up pink. ‘I told you, you’re beautiful and yesterday was a further demonstration of how much I really think that. You don’t need to feel embarrassed about the way you look, I wanted to help you, I still want to help you.’ 

Rosaline let her tears fall hard and fast. ‘I still don’t understand why you care so much.’ She said.

Remus exhaled a chuckle in disbelief. He shifted closer and gently held her hand. 

‘Rosaline, if I asked you to help me take a bath or sleep without fear of nightmares, would you do it?’

‘Of course, I would.’

‘Then why would you even conceive that I would do less for you?’

It suddenly clicked in Rosaline’s head, Remus cared for her so much that he would sacrifice his own needs to serve her own, exactly the same way that she would for him, but there was a slightly confusing element to that.

‘You told me to be selfish.’ She said, roughly wiping away the tears and immediately regretting it as a wave of pain scattered across her cheeks. Remus saw it and moved so that he was sitting as close as he could to her, he brought up his hands and ran his thumbs over her cheeks, the area where she had caused her own discomfort. Rosaline closed her eyes and just felt his calming movements.

‘Rosaline, I want to be with you,’ he said, quietly. ‘I can’t give you what other men could, but I can give you me and if you ask me, I can provide things that you might need, like someone to talk to, or someone to offer advice… or someone to sleep next to.’ Rosaline’s eyes snapped open and her cheeks were burning red. ‘I can see that you feel a little uncertain about that, I have to admit, I have my own uncertainties about it, but tell me how you feel.’

Rosaline used her hands to support her weight as she sat up properly in bed, she went back to fiddling with her hands and thought about the previous night.

‘I feel… embarrassed.’ She swallowed and struggled with the next part. ‘I… I want…’ Rosaline shifted, not being able to look at Remus while she spoke. ‘When you were… when I was in the bathroom… struggling to… your hands felt… nice.’ Her cheeks were hurting so much with the redness of them. ‘I… I want…’

‘You want it to happen again?’ Remus asked and Rosaline let out a relieved breath and nodded. She didn’t have to look up to know that Remus was smiling widely. ‘It’s not an unreasonable ask, Rosaline. I’d gladly do it again if that would make you happy.’

‘Really?’ 

‘Of course, I’d spend every night with you if that would make you happy.’ Remus said, still smiling. Rosaline half smiled, biting her lip gently, she suddenly remembered doing something similar, with Remus’s thumb prying her lip away from her teeth. 

‘I don’t know if I can have dinner with you tonight.’ Rosaline looked up at Remus, who frowned a little. ‘I’m just... I’m tired already.’

‘That’s okay, as long as you get whatever rest you need,’ Remus wiped away a stray tear. ‘We can have dinner any time you like. Just take care of your body, it’s not just a vessel, it’s a part of you and trust me, I know what happens when you don’t treat it as such.’

Rosaline nodded, she knew exactly what he was talking about. ‘Maybe you could help me?’ 

It wasn’t quite the way she wanted to say it, but it was out in the open now and it only made Remus chuckle and his cheeks flushed pink.

‘Of course I can help.’ He grinned. ‘I need to leave to head back to the pack, but if you’re awake when I get back tonight, perhaps we could keep each other company for a while?’

‘I’d like that.’ Rosaline nodded, smiling for the first time in a long time. ‘Come back safe.’

‘I’ll do my best.’ Remus said, before leaning over and kissing her forehead. ‘Get some rest, have something to eat and I’ll be back before you know it.’ Remus paused before leaving, like he wanted to ask something. ‘Rosaline, I stand by what I said yesterday, I want you to be a little selfish, I want you to feel like you can ask me for what it is you need… will you think of something? Anything you like and when I come back tonight, maybe you could ask me? Even if it’s just asking me to leave you alone for a while, or make you a cup of tea, just… just ask me for something?’ 

Rosaline frowned, she didn’t really understand why he wanted her to ask for something like that, but she promised she would think about something she could ask.

Rosaline spent most of the day, trying to eat, trying to stay occupied and trying to think of something she could have asked Remus for, but nothing seemed to be going her way. When she ate, she felt sick, when she tried to fix things, her hands shook and there wasn’t anything she felt she could have asked Remus for that wouldn’t mortify her. 

What she really wanted was to take another bath, but she wanted Remus to be in the tub with her, running his hands over more than just her arms, she wanted to kiss him and sleep next to him again and have breakfast with him the day after. Rosaline felt her cheeks reddening at the thought of being with Remus in that way. 

She started to think of smaller things than that, he’d even told her before he left that it didn’t matter how insignificant it was, but that then begged the question whether it was even worth asking. Rosaline sighed, more confused than she’d ever been, she wanted to ask for advice from someone, but she wasn’t sure who she could confide in that wouldn’t make her feel mortified. 

Rosaline decided she couldn’t stay in bed any longer, it was making her feel stiff and worsening the pain in her joints especially. Another shower didn’t help as much as she hoped it would either. 

Eventually people had begun arriving for another Order meeting, but Remus wouldn’t be back for at least an hour after it finished. Molly and Sirius were still looking at each other with daggers in their eyes, but it was Tonks who was first to ask how Rosaline was feeling. She nodded, not exactly sure of what she was trying to convey, but it settled everyone anyway. 

‘I forgot to say,’ Sirius smiled at Rosaline as the meeting came to an end. She couldn’t say for certain what had actually been said in the meeting and felt a bit guilty about it. Sirius brought out a collection of photographs. ‘I found these in some old boxes a few days ago, I wasn’t sure when your mum came to our side, but it looks like it could have been roughly around the time you were born.’ Sirius handed over a picture of a large dining room with what looked to be around fifty people all standing, talking to each other. Rosaline skipped over the faces of the crowds and started searching the hidden corners of the room.

Finally she found what she was looking for. ‘She’s pregnant.’ Rosaline whispered, her mother looked so young and so tired, rubbing her protruding belly as McGonagall ushered her away from the camera’s eye and out of the house. 

‘I reckon that’s probably one of the first times she handed in a report to Dumbledore.’ Sirius nodded. ‘I can’t find any others before then, but there’s a few of her afterwards. I’m afraid they’re all the same though.’ Sirius handed over the three or four other photographs he’d found, all of them showed Rosaline’s mother in darkened corners, two were difficult to say were even her at all. 

Rosaline heard Tonks clearing her throat, Rosaline snapped her gaze up to see the tail end of a non-verbal conversation Tonks and Sirius were having. 

‘It’s good that there’s something remaining of your family, right?’ Tonks said, but Rosaline only frowned at the way she had worded it. ‘Well, your mum anyway.’ And there it was.

The truth was, Rosaline had never been that curious about who her father was, her mother had never mentioned him except to say that he had been someone she knew during the war and apart from the odd vague detail, Rosaline had never felt like her father could have been worth much of anything. He wasn’t there when they were on the run from Death Eaters after the war, he wasn’t there when Rosaline was growing up and he wasn’t there when she was at school, she had to stay with muggles who hated her instead. Besides, if it was someone her mother knew during the war, the likelihood was that he was dead and if that was the case then it definitely didn’t matter.

But she understood that others may have been more curious than she. 

‘My mum was all the family I had,’ Rosaline said, clearing her throat. ‘She’s all I needed.’

Tonks just watched Rosaline curiously, somehow satisfied that there was no anger or contempt in her answer, but also no desire to continue talking about it and the conversation was put to bed. 

Rosaline found herself feeling sick at the smell of food and excused herself as she went back to her bedroom. She was mesmerised by the picture of her pregnant mother, it was hard to look at because even though Rosaline wasn’t exactly visible, she felt that it was another picture of her and her mother together, but unlike the framed picture she had, there was no laughter, only fear.

Rosaline had thought many times about asking Dumbledore about her mother, but honestly all the times she had been speaking with Dumbledore she had been in enough pain that there was no need to add to it. She placed the picture next to the frame and for a while listened to the music and watched her mother smile at her.


	24. It Was Supposed To Be Me

It was late by the time Remus appeared at Grimmauld Place, he shut the front door behind him and leaned against the wall, letting the exhaustion settle in his body. It had been a long and hard day with very little to show for it. He knew that if he really wanted to get through to some of these packs he would need to stay for extended periods of time and properly integrate himself, it was a huge risk no matter what he did.

He looked up the stairs and dreaded dragging his feet up them to Rosaline’s room. He’d secretly been looking forward to seeing her since he left in the middle of the day, he hoped she had had a restful day, recovering and thinking on what she might have wanted from him. Remus knew that none of his mistakes would be fixed over night, he knew that this was a long term problem, but he didn’t mind taking the time to fix it. He just wanted her to be okay.

Remus quietly knocked on the door, but there was no answer. He listened carefully and could just about hear Rosaline sniffing. She was crying. Remus knocked a little louder and slowly opened the door, enough that he could see her curled figure on the bed. 

‘Rosaline?’ He said, stepping into her room. ‘Is everything alright?’

She didn’t answer, but he could see her roughly wiping her tears away and knew she would regret it immediately. 

Remus took a breath and closed the door behind him, wandering around the bed to see Rosaline staring into space while hot tears poured down her face. Remus sighed and tried to smile while he gently wiped her cheeks.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Remus kept his voice low.

‘No.’ She whispered.

‘Okay… do you want me to get into bed with you?’

‘Yes.’ 

Remus didn’t hesitate, he removed his jacket and shirt so that he was only left in his softer beige t-shirt. He climbed onto the bed behind Rosaline, propping himself up on the pillow and gently began running his hand down her arm. 

They remained like that for long while, before Rosaline spoke.

‘I don’t know what to ask.’ She croaked and Remus just smiled, kissing her hair and inhaling that familiar jasmine smell. 

‘That’s okay.’ He said. ‘Is there anything you want right now?’

Rosaline took a while to think, Remus knew she wanted something, but he wanted her to have the courage to ask for it. 

‘I… I couldn’t eat… it made me feel sick.’ Remus could see her cheeks glowing pink, but he didn’t stop his movements over her skin. ‘My stomach hurts… I didn’t want anyone to see it… but I think something is wrong.’ Rosaline hadn’t exactly asked him for anything, her point was clear, she wanted him to check that there wasn’t any permanent damage to her abdomen. He momentarily debated pushing her to actually ask him, but if there was something wrong, then it was probably best they found out sooner rather than later. 

‘I can take a look,’ Remus kissed her head again. ‘Will you lie on your back for me?’

He shifted away to give her enough room to manoeuvre and let her take all the time in the world to turn onto her back. Remus took it one step at a time, slowly pushing the soft duvet down to see her fist twisted into the grey material of her t-shirt. 

Remus ran his hand over hers and gently pried it away so he could lift her shirt. He waited a moment for her to focus on something else that wasn’t the discomfort, before revealing her lean stomach. He pushed the material as far as he felt he could go and saw what looked to be a burn mark from the spell that caught her, staining the milky skin around her ribs and the middle of her stomach. It was black and blue around the edges, a few scars littered the area, clearly some were self-inflicted, but Remus tried to ignore those for the time being.

‘Rosaline,’ he whispered, losing his voice slightly. ‘It’s quite badly bruised, it doesn’t look like the skin was broken, but I think putting some salve on it would help a great deal.’

Rosaline let out a shaky breath and bit on her lip, trying to stay calm. ‘Will… will you help me? Please?’

‘Of course, I will.’ Remus breathed and kissed her forehead. ‘I’ll be back in a moment, just try to relax and remember to breathe.’

Remus waited for her to find her focus before darting out of her room to get some Star Grass Salve from Sirius’s bathroom. When he came back, he found she’d put some music on, it was a band he knew. 

‘This is The Cure, isn’t it?’ Remus asked, positioning himself on the bed next to her and trying to distract her for a while. Rosaline nodded. ‘Which album?’

There seemed to be an awkwardness to her features, her cheeks glowing pink again as she mumbled the name of the album. ‘Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me.’ She said and Remus was momentarily hypnotised by the way her rosy pink lips uttered the words he had wanted to hear her say for far too long. 

Remus swallowed nervously, before scooping up a little of the salve into his hand. ‘This will be a little cold.’ His voice cracked slightly as he carefully ran his warm thumb over the bruising, feeling cool skin that stretched over Rosaline’s ribcage. Remus listened to her sucking in a sharp breath and raised his gaze to see her eyes were closed and the whisper of a smile was playing on her lips. 

He could have watched her all night, just taking in the sounds of her finding pleasure in his touch. God, it was a beautiful thing to imagine, he couldn’t fathom the reality. Remus quickly looked back to the bruising and gently introduced the cold salve to her skin. Her hand found the hem of his shirt, grabbing it while she breathed through the discomfort. 

Remus concentrated on the movement of his hand, rubbing the salve over the entirety of her bruised area and thinking on how much he wished he’d been there to help, to stop this happening. Remus had finished rubbing the salve in, but he continued to run his hand over her stomach, slowly and softly, just taking in the small changes in her breathing, noting how her grip on his shirt loosened. Her skin was so smooth, even the small bumps where her scar lay were smooth, she didn’t even stop him from touching them, she just enjoyed the way he touched her. 

‘Does that feel good?’ Remus whispered, realising he was close to whispering in her ear. He briefly wondered what reaction he would have gotten if he had done.

‘Yes.’ Rosaline breathed, letting a smile seep out. 

Remus decided he could take a small risk and moved his hand to the other side of abdomen, continuing his soft, slow movements. Her back arched only slightly with the new sensation and Remus couldn’t deny the sight excited him, if this was her reaction to simple, innocent touch, what would it be to something much more pleasurable? Remus scolded himself for thinking such a thing when Rosaline clearly needed him to stay focused on her for the time being. 

The salve shifted on the bed and Remus reacted before any of it spilled onto the sheets. It was a mild annoyance, because it meant he needed to take his hand away from Rosaline’s body to place the metal tray on the table beside him. 

When he turned back, it was to find she was pulling her shirt down and her face was red. Remus sighed, he should have known she would react like that.

‘Rosaline, I don’t know how many times I need to say it before you finally believe me,’ Remus carefully moved the stray hair, revealing just a little more of her neck. ‘You don’t need to be embarrassed and you don’t need to feel ashamed. I’m enjoying this as much as you and that can only be a good thing.’

‘Are you going to ask me about my scars?’ It was an unusual question to ask as a response, but he would answer honestly.

‘No, not unless you want me to.’ Remus watched her eyes dart around for a moment, before she finally looked at him with those intense green eyes. 

‘Thank you for helping me yesterday.’ She said, still searching for something on his face.

‘You’re welcome.’ Remus smiled at the memory of spending that time with her. 

‘What… what do you think… I want?’ Her cheeks must have been on fire. 

‘What do I think you want?’ Remus repeated the question with a frown. ‘Well, I think in general, you want what everyone wants, to be loved and cared for, to have someone to talk to, to experience life with… I also think you want to be free from pain, you want to experience things the way others do… you want to see the point in continuing on.’ Remus swallowed, hating that she felt that way, but understanding it completely. ‘But I think right now, all you really want is a night free of nightmares, an easy sleep… I think you want to ask me for an experience like we had last night, and I would be more than happy to oblige if that is what you really want.’ Remus smiled, making her mouth twitch as well.

‘You want me to ask for it, don’t you?’

‘I think it would do you the world of good.’

‘Why?’ 

Remus frowned, clearly she had been thinking on this all day and hadn’t come up with anything she could have asked him for without feeling ashamed of the whole thing. 

‘Because, I don’t think you’ve really gotten what you wanted before.’ Remus watched her eyes stare deep into his. ‘I think you joined the Quidditch team because you were told it would be good for you, I think you tried to quit because you didn’t want to play, but were told that you couldn’t and you accepted that. I think you didn’t really choose to work at the ministry, I think Dumbledore and Kingsley placed value on your skills and decided your career path for you… I think you asked for one thing in your whole life, one thing you truly wanted… and I think I took that away from you.’ Remus could feel his own eyes filling with tears. ‘Please, Rosaline… just ask me for something.’

Her face was unreadable, she seemed to be thinking very fast, going through layers of memories of times when she needed something and she didn’t ask for fear that she would be rejected or she wouldn’t get it, and finally when she did ask, her fear was realised. 

Rosaline took a short breath and stopped. ‘Will you… I want you to sleep with me again.’

‘Okay.’ Remus breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Okay, I will.’ 

Rosaline frowned, swallowing nervously. ‘Will you take your shirt off? Please?’

Remus half laughed and got up off the bed, he paused for a moment, before taking a breath to find is confidence and remove his t-shirt. Rosaline’s blush flooded her entire face and neck, but she didn’t stop her eyes scanning over his torso and taking him in the same way she had done the day before. He didn’t mind her looking at him, in fact, when she looked at him, it was only with understanding and so he let her stare for as long as she wanted. 

Rosaline’s gaze dropped when she realised he was smiling at her, she gently bit her lip to stop herself smiling too much, but Remus didn’t want that, he wanted her to smile, he wanted her enjoy him the way he enjoyed her. 

Remus slipped his trousers off, making her half laugh and roll her eyes which pleased him to no end. He missed her funny side, the side that liked to be a little playful, he hoped one day she would show him again and he would take full advantage to make her laugh. Remus slid into bed next to her and let his eyes graze over her face, at least she wasn’t in as much pain as she was before.

‘Is this what you wanted?’ Remus asked, watching her turn her head towards him, he could feel her breath on his mouth and it was sending his head spinning. 

‘Yes.’ Rosaline breathed. ‘Is it what you wanted?’

‘I always want this.’ He confessed and watched her take in the top of his chest, he could see the want in her eyes and if he’d been braver, Remus would have kissed her and allowed her to take everything she needed from him. 

It didn’t take long for Rosaline to relax enough beside him that she could fall asleep. Remus woke at some point in the middle of the night and realised she’d crawled towards him, pressing her body against his, resting her head on his chest and her leg tangled with his own. His hand had curled around her hip and the other was threaded in her thick, soft hair. He took a moment to inhale her scent and think on how truly lucky he was that he was finally able to do this without the fear of it being inappropriate or unwanted. Remus was living in a state of bliss.

They woke up late into the morning, but Remus didn’t mind, he didn’t need be anywhere, but he was aware that she needed to go to work that afternoon, so his time with her was shorter than he would have liked. 

They didn’t say much, mostly just smiling at each other now and again, she took a long shower and he made them both some breakfast. They ate in partial silence and it suited them just fine. Remus was vaguely aware of Sirius wandering past the kitchen door and winking at him before returning to his room, but Remus tried not to pay him too much attention.

‘Erm…’ Rosaline cleared her throat, quickly finishing her tea. ‘I can’t have dinner with you tonight… I’m supposed to be on patrol so… I’ll be there all night.’ She was clearly nervous, still exhausted and not at all equipped for an all-nighter.

‘Okay,’ Remus nodded. ‘Will you be okay to go on patrol tonight?’

‘I’ll be fine.’ Rosaline stood up and went to put her coat. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus sighed. ‘Remember what I said about taking care of yourself, you’re still exhausted and the bruising won’t have disappeared overnight. If you feel it’ll be too much, will you consider asking someone to cover for you?’

Rosaline just looked at him and frowned, there was a misunderstanding on her part, but she nodded anyway and promised she’d ask someone else if she felt she couldn’t go on patrol. Remus said goodbye to her at the door and prepared himself for Sirius bombarding him with questions.

Rosaline’s head was spinning, she couldn’t believe this had happened, that she had been so selfish. 

‘Rosaline, it wasn’t your fault.’ Remus tried to plead with her, but it wasn’t doing anything to calm her down. 

‘It was entirely my fault!’ She snapped back. ‘It was supposed to be me who went on patrol not him, but instead, I took your advice and decided that I could have done with another night’s rest before going back to work! I even left early!’ 

Rosaline paced her bedroom in Grimmauld Place, still waiting for news that Arthur was okay, but no one was giving her that news soon. Remus sat down on the bed and leaned on his knees sighing. 

She was at a loss, she was supposed to be the one on patrol in the department on mysteries, if she hadn’t been honest with Arthur about feeling tired from the incident in Knockturn Alley, he wouldn’t have insisted that she go back to Grimmauld Place to rest and he wouldn’t have been attacked. Rosaline would normally have just told him she was fine and not wanted to bother him in anyway, but Remus’s ask echoed in her mind and she decided that one night of being selfish couldn’t have done any harm.

‘Rosaline, Arthur will be okay,’ Remus tried to reassure her. ‘They got to him just in time and he was taken straight to St Mungo’s, we’re just waiting to hear the results of treatment. You need to stop blaming yourself-‘

‘Who am I supposed to blame?!’ 

‘You needed to rest and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!’ Remus stood up, more determined than before. ‘If it wasn’t Arthur, it would have been you and after your ordeal, I don’t think either one of us could safely say you would have survived. At least now, you and Arthur have the chance to recover.’ 

Rosaline just looked at Remus, neither of them said anything, but she could see he was thinking hard about something. Suddenly the sounds of people arriving downstairs had Rosaline leaving her bedroom and descending to the kitchen. 

Molly was ushering everyone into the kitchen, she was flustered and clearly very panicked and upset about everything. Rosaline rushed in afterwards to listen to Fred, George and Sirius shouting at each other about Arthur doing his duty for the Order and it only made Rosaline’s stomach tighten with guilt.

‘Rosie.’ Molly said and the arguing came to a brief halt. She felt Remus appear behind her. ‘He’s fine dear, you don’t need to worry.’

‘Are you sure?’ Rosaline felt the tears falling from her face, pain washing over her body again and again. ‘I can go and visit-‘

‘No, no, it’s just family at the moment as he’s still in critical condition.’ Molly explained, it only made Rosaline lean on the table and feel her joints weaken. ‘You’ll be able to visit soon and I’m sure he’ll tell you the same thing, it wasn’t your fault.’

‘Molly-‘

‘Rosie,’ she interrupted. ‘I promise you, no one blames you for needing more time to recover and I’m sure Arthur would have insisted you take the night. He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if you’d been the one to get hurt, given what happened a few days ago, you may not have been so lucky.’ 

Rosaline felt Remus touch her lower back, sending small waves of relief through her spine and she immediately felt like she didn’t deserve it. 

Remus could see this was difficult for Rosaline, she wanted to do everything all over again, make a different choice, but everyone knew that it was better Arthur than her. He managed to get her to leave the kitchen while Molly made plans with her children and Harry to go and see Arthur.

‘Rosaline,’ he whispered as they reached the bottom of the stairs. 

‘I just feel so guilty.’ She said and leaned against the wall, hiding her face from Remus.

‘Rosaline, it could have been you, do you have any idea of how I would feel if I lost you?’

Remus watched her head instinctively shake her head, but she suddenly stopped, trying not to upset him. 

Remus wasn’t exactly sure what part of him reacted first, but he suddenly found himself with his hands dragging through her soft hair, his body gently pinning her to the wall and his mouth finally absorbing the light pressure of her rosy lips. It was more intoxicating than he imagined it would be, she was just so soft and warm and surprisingly responsive. Remus slid his hand down to her waist and gently pulled her flush against him, moving his lips easily around hers and listening to her soft sounds that he became immediately addicted to. He could feel every curve of her body, pressing into his, responding to his and allowing him to pull her up and into him.

Rosaline’s hands were uncertain, but she seemed to want to hold his waist and he fully encouraged her to move them up his chest, letting his own soft sigh vibrate against her mouth.

Suddenly the sound of the kitchen door opening could be heard and Remus was in two minds about whether to continue his euphoric experience or save her dignity and pull away. Remus decided on the latter and gently pulled his lips away from hers, not quite managing to step away from her completely before Ginny and Ron exclaimed, startling both Rosaline and Remus out of their moment.

It was a slightly awkward moment where no one was sure what to do, with the rest of the Weasleys and Harry watching them and Rosaline’s whole face igniting beetroot, it was a very uncomfortable situation to be in. 

Remus stepped away entirely and descended the step that would allow the children to head up to bed. He didn’t take his eyes away from Rosaline who was avoiding eye contact with everyone, including him. Sirius gave Remus a quick wink, while Molly just muttered to herself, shaking her head and finally it was just the two of them left alone again.

‘Rosaline.’ Remus said, gently. Cautiously, he returned to his position in front of her, she didn’t stop him, not even when he brought his hand up to wipe away the stray tears that were still on her beautifully red, freckled, cheeks. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking.’

She sucked in a deep breath. ‘No one has… that was… erm… the first time...’

‘The first time you’ve been kissed?’ Remus frowned, if he’d known that for sure, he would have tried to make it better than casual making out in the hallway, but he couldn’t have been sure how many chances he would get to kiss her. 

‘I’m sorry.’ She nodded.

‘You don’t need to be sorry,’ Remus half laughed, kissing her forehead. ‘Absolutely not, I don’t accept your apology. Why don’t we go upstairs and talk about what’s going through your head?’

Rosaline took a moment before looking up into his eyes. ‘I’m in love with you too.’ 

It was like all the air was sucked out of Remus’s lungs, he could barely breathe or understand her words, but he knew exactly what they meant and his own tears came pouring out. 

‘Rosaline.’ He breathed and softly kissed her again, he was delicate and soft and much less passionate, but much more loving. Everything about this woman was beautiful, she was strong, intelligent, funny, brave, courageous, protective and she was in love with him. 

They went up to her bedroom and for the longest time all they did was lie on her bed and said nothing while listening to music. It was one of Remus’s favoured moments with Rosaline, she smiled at him, blushed that wonderful pink colour that Remus thought made her so beautiful. On occasion she would let him kiss her soft, pink lips and he prayed that this night would never end.

Rosaline seemed to have forgotten about her guilt for a while, she was enjoying the moment for what it was and Remus could not have been happier for her. This was what life was all about, the here and now, no guilt, no worry or fear, just love, laughter and happiness.

‘It wasn’t my fault?’ She whispered.

‘No, it wasn’t.’ Remus shifted closer, bringing his hand to rest on her cheek, gently stroking his thumb over the cool skin.

Rosaline’s eyes filled with water, Remus wasn’t exactly sure if it was in relief or guilt. Whatever it was, it didn’t take away from his desire to kiss her and take care of her needs. Remus kissed her cheek, letting his lips absorb the salt water, before moving to her lips once again and listening to her sigh into him.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I just… Molly could have lost Arthur… they could have lost their dad.’

‘But they didn’t.’ Remus calmed her down, stroking his thumb over her still wet skin. ‘No one lost anything and everyone made it back safe and sound.’

Rosaline’s eyes were glistening and he wished he could make her feel better about the whole thing.

‘I never had a dad to lose, but I had a mum and when I lost her… I lost everything.’ The tears were running faster and all Remus could think to do was wipe them away and kiss her rosy cheeks. ‘I don’t want them to lose everything.’

‘I know, I know.’ Remus exhaled and held her body a little closer to his, hoping she could feel the comfort and for a while she was quiet able to calm down a little more.

‘Why did you kiss me?’ Remus could feel her lips moving against his.

‘Because I wanted you.’ It seemed like such a simple response, but one that made her freeze.

‘You wanted to kiss me?’

Remus smiled, knowing that his desire for her was confusing for her to process. ‘I want you, Rosaline… in every way you will allow.’

For a while, Rosaline just watched him, she was looking for the lie once again, but she wouldn’t find one, Remus had never wanted anyone in his life quite the way he wanted her. Rosaline understood him, she understood his pain and his heartache and he loved every piece of her for it.

‘Will you stay with me?’ Rosaline whispered, her bright, green eyes starting to close as tiredness overtook her.

‘For as long as you want me to.’ Remus smiled and placed a soft kiss to her forehead, slowly sliding his arm beneath her head so that she could rest against his chest for a while.


	25. Christmas Spirit

Remus woke the morning Arthur was due to come back from St Mungo’s, heading over to Grimmauld Place as soon as he could, he knew Rosaline had been busy with work over the Christmas period and he didn’t mind too much as he’d spent a few days including a full moon with one of the packs he was trying to convince to join Dumbledore’s side. It had been a difficult transformation, having to take his wolfsbane in secret and hide the fact that he wasn’t quite as feral as the rest of them. Acting the part had taken a toll on him that he hadn’t anticipated.

Sirius had told him that Rosaline was staying in the house over Christmas along with Tonks and the Weasleys and it warmed Remus’s heart to know that she would be among family and people who loved her. Of course, Sirius was slightly more interested in something else.

‘Right next to my dear old mum,’ he laughed. ‘You could have at least waited until you were upstairs!’ He was almost crying with laughter, sipping his early butterbeer in the middle of the kitchen. Remus was getting aggravated and annoyed, he’d come over a few hours before Molly was due to come back and he wanted to talk to Sirius before anyone else was there to interrupt him.

‘Look, can you just listen to me for a moment?’ Remus implored, getting paranoid at every creak he heard behind him. Sirius managed to calm down for a moment to allow Remus to speak. ‘I’m going to marry her.’

Sirius froze… nothing happened, his mouth dropped and his smiled widened. He embraced Remus like a brother, not saying anything, he just smiled and walked out of the kitchen laughing with utter joy. 

Remus was taken back a little over fifteen years ago when he did the same thing with James when he told them he was going to marry Lily. Sirius was happy for Remus. 

He paced in his room, feeling himself getting more and more nervous, it wasn’t like he was going to ask her the second she walked through the door, or even over the Christmas period, he’d probably just end up scaring her away and ruining any chance he might have had at something more. Remus waited as patiently as he could for Molly to get back to the house with Arthur and Rosaline, it was far too long before he could finally hear the door.

Remus rushed down the stairs, to see Molly and Rosaline helping Arthur into the kitchen, they were sniggering about something, eventually turning into full on giggling when they moved far enough away from the painting of Mrs Black.

‘Arthur.’ Remus smiled at the struggling Weasley. ‘They’ve let you escape, have they?’

‘Discharged when they realised I was faking the whole time,’ Arthur was in very good spirits. ‘Honestly the things you have to do to get a few days off work.’

Remus couldn’t help his chuckle, Molly being the ever doting wife she was, tutted with a relieved smile and playfully scolding him when he ached laughing. Rosaline just stood enjoying the spectacle, he wanted to kiss her, but restrained himself whilst in the company of others, he wasn’t exactly sure of what they were just yet.

‘How about I make everyone some tea?’ Remus suggested. 

‘Oh, it’s alright dear,’ Molly finally took her thick coat off. ‘I’ll do it, you just sit down.’

‘Molly, I insist.’ Remus stopped her. ‘You’ve had a long few days and all I’ve been doing is sleeping the last couple of days. Take a seat, you as well Rosaline.’

Remus managed to get them all to sit down and went about making everyone a cup of tea. Arthur quickly updated him about the werewolf who had been in the bed opposite him, Remus had visited just the once, but unfortunately he was sure the man would not want to live with the condition. 

Rosaline had given him a strange look, he’d neglected to tell her about him, because he didn’t want her to think about such things while she was making her own progress. She didn’t ask him any questions, or even mention St Mungo’s until late one evening a few days later.

Harry and the rest of the Weasleys, including Hermione for a day or two, had arrived at Grimmauld Place for the holidays and a celebration was in full swing. If it hadn’t been for Harry no one would know that Arthur was hurt. 

Rosaline had gotten showered and changed, lingering in the doorway, just watching the Weasleys having their celebration with Harry. She looked wonderful in her cream cable knit jumper, her dark hair over to one side and her entire figure looking more relaxed than Remus had ever remembered seeing it before. 

‘Merry Christmas.’ Remus said, quietly behind her.

Rosaline turned around a little startled, he’d forgotten what an easy scare she was, but she smiled widely when she saw him.

‘Merry Christmas.’ Her cheeks began flushing pink, her eyes flickering just for a moment to his lips. Remus knew exactly what she was thinking about and it made him warm to think about kissing her. 

‘Arthur seems to be recovering very well.’ Remus distracted her attention away from anything she might have been embarrassed to think about.

Rosaline nodded, gently biting her lip. ‘I went to visit him, at St Mungo’s.’ She started. ‘It’s a hard place to be… I saw Alice and Frank while I was there.’

Remus felt a lump forming in his throat, of all the people in St Mungo’s there was a mutual agreement that given what the Longbottoms went through, they were better off dead than living with the memory of what was done to them.

‘It seems like such a strange thing to say, but I didn’t feel any different to them,’ Rosaline frowned and Remus just listened, letting her get it all off her chest. ‘I guess you already know that they were tortured into insanity… Bellatrix, Rodolphus, Rabastan Lestrange and Barty Crouch Jr., that’s who did it… I remember my mum mentioning their names, but I never really knew why or if it was important. She hated Bellatrix the most, I remember that much, said she was everything wrong with the world… I think she wished she could have done more.’

‘They’re in Azkaban,’ Remus told her. ‘There’s no chance of them escaping and your mother helped put them there, she did more than what was asked of her and given the fact that she was trying to raise a child as well is something truly extraordinary.’

Rosaline nodded, she knew that, she knew her mother did everything she could and given the circumstances it was a wonder she got as much done as she did.

‘It wasn’t my fault.’ She said with a little more conviction than the last time.

‘No, it wasn’t.’

‘It was the first thing he said to me when I went to visit him.’ Rosaline explained.

‘And did you believe him?’

‘Not at first,’ Rosaline admitted. ‘I hated myself for letting it happen… I just wanted to go back… make a different choice.’ She leaned back against the doorframe. ‘But then I cried… because I knew that you would be upset… I didn’t like that very much.’

Remus inhaled a deep breath. Rosaline didn’t exactly have a way with words, but he never minded too much.

‘No, the thought of you getting hurt is one of my worst nightmares,’ Remus stepped a little closer to her, lowering his voice. ‘But we are in the middle of a war and I know that neither of us are going to come out completely unscathed…’ Remus couldn’t believe what he was thinking, but the moment seemed too perfect to pass up. He swallowed nervously. ‘It makes you think about the things that are important to you…’ He could see the confusion in her eyes. ‘Rosaline, you are important to me and I think that I should show you-‘

‘Fred and George have charmed that by the way.’ Ginny’s voice tore through Remus’s words. She was rummaging around in a cupboard on the floor close by with a mince pie in her mouth.

‘Sorry?’ Remus frowned.

Ginny pointed above him to where mistletoe had grown without either of them noticing. ‘They’ve charmed it so that you can’t move until you kiss. They thought it would be funny to catch Ron and Kreacher, but I guess they got bored.’

Ginny wandered away and Remus suddenly noticed that almost everyone had vacated the kitchen having headed up to bed, it was just Arthur, Molly, Bill and Kingsley who were talking quietly, paying no notice to Remus and Rosaline. 

‘Why would Fred and George do that?’ Rosaline frowned, half finding it funny herself, half not really realising why it was funny. 

‘It’s tradition at Christmas that people kiss when underneath mistletoe,’ Remus half smiled. ‘It’s supposed to bring luck… or maybe not, I’m not really sure.’

He looked down at Rosaline who was beginning to realise that she was in fact stuck to the spot. She chuckled and looked up at him with those bright green eyes and suddenly they were darker, flickering over his face and taking him in, she unconsciously bit her lip, making Remus smile even wider.

He brought his hand slowly up to her cheek, stroking it softly before gently pressing his lips to her soft mouth. Rosaline was once again incredibly responsive, he wondered if she knew what she was doing. Her body pressed into his, her uncertain hands delicately placed on his waist, Remus couldn’t help himself for a moment and brought his other hand up to delve into her impossibly soft hair, he could smell the jasmine and almost lost himself completely. But he couldn’t do that to her, he couldn’t overwhelm her like that, she just wasn’t ready. 

Rosaline hummed against his mouth, suddenly stopping and Remus felt her cheeks heating up with embarrassment, he smiled not quite having the focus to pull away just yet, but it only made her chuckle softly. Remus gently loosened his hands in her hair and pulled away just enough to see her darkened green eyes looking up at him through her long lashes. He was suddenly mesmerised by the light freckles across her upper cheeks, stroking his thumb over them and smiling.

‘I think your freckles are my favourite thing in the world.’ He whispered. Suddenly the freckles faded with the redness igniting her entire face, but she was still smiling. ‘Although, your eyes are quite something… and your smile is very beautiful as well.’

Rosaline couldn’t quite handle the attention anymore and lowered her head so that he couldn’t see her anymore, but again she was still smiling.

‘Sorry.’ Remus chuckled. ‘I didn’t mean to embarrass you.’

‘It’s okay.’ She whispered and found the courage to look at him again. ‘I’m just not used to someone really looking that stuff.’

Remus just smiled in understanding and placed a delicate kiss to her forehead. 

‘Can I give you your present now?’ Rosaline suddenly asked.

Remus just looked at her, not expecting her to have gotten him anything at all, she didn’t need to.

‘You got me a present?’ He smiled and stepped back enough to give her a little room to breathe. 

‘It’s Christmas.’ She shrugged. ‘I’ll be working tomorrow and Christmas Day, so now is the only time I can give it to you.’

Remus chuckled at her explanation. ‘Lead the way.’ He said and stepped to one side. 

Rosaline slowly led him up to her bedroom, it was just as sparse as ever, just books and albums and it pleased Remus that she was surrounding by things that gave her pleasure. She awkwardly gestured for him to sit on the bed and turned to her dresser, opening one of the drawers. Remus let his eye wander just briefly to her fuller looking figure, her curves were evidence that Molly and Tonks were not letting her starve and she looked wonderful for it.

She turned around and held a red-wrapped present that was suspiciously vinyl shaped. Remus smiled a little excitedly and gently took the present from her. She was nervous and a little awkward, but Remus just gestured for her to sit on the bed next to him. Rosaline was shaking with how nervous she was and it suddenly dawned on Remus that he might have been one of the first people she’d ever bought a present for.

Remus unwrapped the present so see a green album cover with Tom Waits sitting with a cigarette.

‘Blue Valentine.’ Remus whispered as he read the name of the album. 

‘It’s… erm…’ Rosaline was losing her confidence a little. ‘My favourite album.’ It was almost inaudible, but Remus was listening to her intently.

‘You’re sharing your favourite album with me.’ Remus realised, smiling widely. ‘Can we listen to it?’

Rosaline’s gaze snapped up as she realised he wasn’t scolding her or making her feel awkward for wanting to share something.

‘Why don’t you put it on and I’ll quickly get your present?’ Remus said.

She went about playing the album and Remus was a quick as he could be in getting her present from his own bedroom. 

When he got back, she was carefully placing the needle on the slightly worn looking machine and the music began to play. Remus could see why this was her favourite album, there was something surprising about it, but also slightly melancholy in all the right places, it was distracting enough for her to focus on something that wasn’t pain and it made her smile listening to it. 

Rosaline turned to face Remus and he only then realised he was smiling at her. The dim light of her room lit up her features in a way that made Remus’s skin feel delightfully warm.

He felt his own cheeks warming up, but he couldn’t look away.

‘You’re very beautiful, Rosaline.’ Remus’s voice was lower than he intended, but she seemed to respond to it, tucking her hair behind her ear bashfully. It was adorable in a way Remus was unprepared for.

He wandered over to her, softly placing his hand on top of hers and turning her towards him.

‘Will you dance with me?’ He whispered, his lips ghosting hers.

‘Yes.’ She breathed, not being able to think before she answered or feel the nervousness that Remus was sure she would feel if she had time to think.

Remus softly pressed his lips to hers, keeping it brief and guiding her to position herself against his body. He placed her hands on his shoulders, smiling while he let his hands drift down her arms to her slender waist. Remus pulled her closer so she was pressed against his body, he gently kissed her soft lips and let her know that she was okay, she didn’t need to do anything.

‘Just be with me for while.’ Remus breathed against her mouth, he felt her whole body press a little more against his and he knew that she was enjoying herself. She was finally able to relax, enjoying the music, enjoying him, enjoying the moment for what it was.

Remus didn’t know the exact moment when they stopped swaying gently to the music, all he knew was that holding her against him, feeling her surges of courage when she let her fingers run through his hair, listening to her shallow breath when he kissed her cheek or her jaw. Her body just felt so right in his arms, her curves fit his hands perfectly and on occasion Remus would let his hands caress her hips, making her grip him a little tighter and sigh softly against his ear.

It must have been well into the morning hours when Remus finally decided that he wanted to give her, her present. The music stopped long before that, but neither of them moved, the candles had almost burnt out, but neither of them cared, all that mattered was that they were with each other. 

‘Rosaline.’ He whispered, inhaling the warm jasmine. 

‘Mmm.’ She hummed back, he could feel the vibrations in his chest. 

Remus smiled, kissing her jaw and pulling back just enough that he could reach into his pocket and pull out a square case. Rosaline’s eyes were heavy and he gave her a moment to refocus herself.

‘Merry Christmas.’ Remus whispered, placing a soft kiss against her lips and handing her the case. She frowned, momentarily, before taking it and slowly opening it.

Rosaline’s eyes widened as she looked down at the silver locket inside the case. Remus could see she was unsure, possibly overwhelmed by his gesture, but he wouldn’t let her resist it. He lifted the small, oval locket out of the case, quickly placing it on the nearest surface that was her dresser and opening the lioness engraved necklace to reveal what was inside. 

Remus braced for Rosaline’s tears and sure enough they came pouring out completely silently. 

‘Turn around.’ He whispered and it took her a moment, but she did and faced the small mirror that always faced away from the bed. Rosaline pulled her hair out of the way as Remus carefully clipped the locket into place around her smooth neck, she looked down at the picture of her mother smiling inside and still the tears poured out. Remus softly kissed her cheek, wrapping his arms around her and inhaling her warm scent. ‘Do you like it?’

‘I love you.’ It was like instinct took over and the words just escaped her. 

Remus smiled uncontrollably and placed small soft kisses against her cheek and jaw, gently caressing her waist and inhaling the smell of her hair. ‘I wanted you to remember how loved you are, to have a reminder with you wherever you are.’

He could feel Rosaline’s body shaking slightly and when he opened his eyes properly, he could see her on the verge of sobbing. 

‘Rosaline?’ Remus gently turned her to face him, she began sobbing hard into his chest and all he could do was hold her until she stopped. ‘Rosaline, I know it might overwhelming, but you deserve these things, you deserved to be loved. It’s all I’m trying to do.’

She took a moment to regain some of her breath and stepped back enough to give her room to think. ‘I know what you’re trying to do.’ Rosaline said and Remus could feel his heart sinking for a moment. ‘And I still don’t really understand why, all I know for certain is that it feels good… how can that be a bad thing?’

‘It’s not.’ Remus sighed with relief.

‘Will you help me? To keep my faith in life?’ It seemed like such a desperately simple request and of course, Remus could never refuse to help Rosaline in any regard.

‘It’s the one thing you don’t ever have to ask me,’ Remus smiled. ‘I will always help you keep your faith, if you’ll help me keep mine?’ 

Rosaline’s expression was one of sudden surprise. In all of Remus’s requests for her to be selfish and ask for what she needed, she may not have realised that he was neglecting himself in order to serve her needs.

‘You… you want something?’ She asked, uncertain of if she could give him anything that he might have needed. 

‘Rosaline, I wouldn’t ask for anything I wasn’t absolutely sure you were willing to give.’ Remus reassured her, much to her instant relief. ‘So, I will ask just one thing of you tonight… sleep with me.’

Rosaline smiled her bright, beautiful smile and her slight shift of movement told him that she wanted to kiss him. Remus ran his hands over her hips, pulling her towards him and pressed a firm kiss against her. Rosaline let out an uncharacteristic moan that shot warmth straight through Remus, instinctively making his body push into hers. He needed to quickly regain his focus in order to stop himself going too far.

‘I…’ Rosaline suddenly stopped and he could see the faint pink flush of her cheeks. 

‘Say it.’ He whispered, placing soft kisses against her jaw. ‘Ask me for what you want.’ He gently encouraged, feeling her sigh next to his ear and her fingers run through his hair. 

‘I want…’ Remus couldn’t help but let his lips find a smooth piece of skin on her neck and pepper it with kisses, she let out another satisfying sigh. ‘I want you to see me,’ she whispered, ‘all of me.’ Remus let out his own groan, pressing more intense kisses down her neck, before stopping himself before went any further. 

‘I would love to see you Rosaline.’ Remus whispered below her ear. 

Very slowly, Remus slid his hands under her jumper and helped her take it off, her eyes drifted over his cardigan and immediately he took it off, along with his t-shirt so that she could see him and not feel like she was losing anything of her dignity or confidence. Her darkened green eyes wandered over Remus’s scarred torso, she ran her slightly calloused fingertips over a particularly nasty, self-inflicted scar. It sat low on his chest and the second she made contact, Remus remembered the moment it happened, but instead of residual pain, he could only feel the warmth of her touch.

He wanted her to know how much she meant to him, he wanted her to feel his love for her. Remus was desperate to marry her and spend the rest of his life existing in moments like this.

‘Rosaline.’ He breathed and her hand froze. ‘Don’t stop.’ 

It took another moment, but eventually she was confident enough to let her soft hands graze his skin and ignite his entire body. It was blissful and exhilarating and everything Remus had always wanted to feel with another person, he just never expected it to be so addictive. 

Eventually Remus couldn’t take much more before he would lose control over himself and go too far for her. He slid his hands around her hips and slowly brought her t-shirt up over her head, but the sight of her full chest and the locket sitting perfectly between her breasts was making his mouth water. There was a moment in Remus’s head where he had to ask himself why he was resisting so much, why didn’t he just kiss her, take her to bed and make love to her all night?

‘Remus?’ Rosaline frowned. ‘Did I do something?’

Remus suddenly realised her was outright staring at her chest like some hungry dog, he sighed and shook his head smiling.

‘No, I was just… getting distracted.’ He offered and the realisation of what he meant dawned on her, her cheeks flooding red. ‘It’s not something you need to worry too much about,’ Remus quickly reassured her. ‘I’m no rush to do anything right now.’

Rosaline’s eyes narrowed, before she rolled them with a smile, that was the cheekier side of coming out and he adored that about her. She leaned up and kissed him gently, making him smile into her. He continued to slowly undress her, somehow finding himself placing soft, delicate kisses over her body. Remus did everything he could to maintain his control, but in the moments he felt himself losing it, she only encouraged him with her gentle sighs and instinctive groans. 

Remus let his pride overcome him momentarily when he found a particularly sensitive spot on her hips, he didn’t dare go too far, but ran his hand up her strong thigh, accidentally sliding his thumb beneath the line of her underwear, grazing his lips over the thin layer of skin. She groaned his name, freezing as soon as she did, but didn’t let her feel the embarrassment, instead he repeated the movement and forced another groan from deep in her chest. 

Remus placed a line of soft kisses up her body and finished by pressing a much firmer one to her mouth, feeling her smile while he did. ‘Can I assume you enjoyed that?’ He felt himself short of breath, not as much as Rosaline, but enough that she could tell. 

Rosaline nodded and Remus kissed her again, loving how much she was encouraging him to do what he wanted to her. He undid his belt and unzipped his trousers, stilling kissing her and making her giggle. Her giggle was one of the sweetest things he’d ever heard, he wanted desperately to hear it again. 

In some unknown moment of desire and courage, Remus slid his hands beneath her legs and lifted her gently onto the bed, laying her down and continuing to kiss her, making her giggle again and again.

‘I love that sound.’ Remus chuckled, finding himself pressed against her body, his hips between her legs, leaning on his forearms either side of her head and finding that she wasn’t resisting anything he was doing.

‘What sound?’ She chuckled, leaning up to kiss him.

‘You, laughing.’ Remus smiled, he could see her eyes were her signature bloodshot, regardless of what he wanted to continue doing with her, she was exhausted and needed to sleep before she went to work in the morning. He had no idea of the time and a part of him didn’t care, but she would be tired enough without him prolonging her sleep. ‘You need to sleep, you’re exhausted.’ He said.

‘I’m always exhausted.’ Rosaline shrugged.

‘I know,’ Remus smiled, kissing her again, not ever quite getting enough of the taste of her. ‘But I can’t lose you and if I let you go out there without getting enough sleep, you’ll be at a disadvantage should you be attacked. Rosaline, I just can’t take that risk. I know you understand that.’

‘I do.’ She nodded and brought her hands up to run over his jawline, it was bliss and he could have let her touch him with her wonderfully cool hands all night and all day. ‘I’m tired, Remus.’

‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘So am I.’ Remus stroked his hand through her soft hair and kissed her forehead. ‘Go to sleep for me, I’ll be here when you wake up.’ He promised and rolled himself off of her to the side of the bed. Rosaline turned to face away from Remus, allowing him to curl himself around her body, kissing the skin on her shoulder and neck, breathing her in deeply. ‘Good night, Rosaline.’ He said and brought his hand up to lower the light in the room until it was pitch black, the only noise was Rosaline’s gentle breathing as she fell asleep him his arms.


	26. An Unexpected Question

Remus,

I’m sorry, I tried to wait until you woke up, but I was already late for work and I didn’t want to disturb you.

Thank you for last night, I’ve never felt so loved by someone who didn’t need to. I can’t deny, I’m still very confused about why you love me and not someone like Tonks. I don’t know why I suggested her, I suppose she just seems like a good fit for you. 

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I suppose it was quite insensitive. What I’m trying to tell you is, I feel so lucky that you chose me and I don’t want to take it for granted, so I’ll really try to look after myself, I’ll try and be selfish sometimes, I feel like I owe you that much. 

I hope you have a good Christmas, I won’t see Sirius before I leave, but I got him a present, it’s on top of my dresser, can’t miss it. If you wouldn’t mind giving it to him and wishing him well for me? I hope you enjoy the album as well, it really is my favourite album and it made me feel good that I got to share that with you last night. I loved everything we shared last night.

Thank you for the locket, it’s so beautiful, but you forgot to put your picture in there as well. If I’m carrying around the people who love me the most then you should be in there next to my mother. 

Anyway, I’ll see you soon.

I love you

Rosaline

Remus smiled at the letter when he woke up the next day and continued to reread it all through the holidays. Rosaline was staying with Tonks overnight while she was working and it was understandable, but Remus wanted to see her as often as he could.

‘Alright, mate?’ Sirius said, sitting down at the kitchen table, yawning. 

‘Morning.’ Remus was very aware that he was smiling widely, he couldn’t help himself. He wasn’t even annoyed that Sirius began to presume things about his night with Rosaline, instead he just allowed his friend to think whatever he wanted. 

‘So, did you give her the necklace?’ Sirius asked, sipping his tea, half ignoring the rest of the company at breakfast.

‘Yes.’ Remus smiled, nodding. ‘She liked it a lot. She actually left a gift for you and wished you a merry Christmas.’ Remus handed over the square package to Sirius. He just looked a little bemused and began opening it. Rosaline had gotten him a prankster starter kit, which made Sirius let out a bark-like laugh.

‘I was telling her about our time at school,’ Sirius explained. ‘I suppose she thinks she’s being funny.’

‘It is funny.’ Remus nodded, chuckling to himself.

Sirius suddenly reached into his robe, pulling out some photographs.

‘Couple in there might interest you.’ He winked and began opening his starter kit from Rosaline.

Remus flicked through the photographs, laughing at a few depicting the Weasley children having fun and smiling at a couple where Molly and Arthur were simply being husband and wife. He felt his heart ache for the day he may have been able to share a picture with Rosaline looking the way they did, he almost got his wish when he saw the last two photos, they were just of Remus and Rosaline standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

The first one was of them having a conversation and smiling about whatever they were talking about, completely unaware that a camera was watching them. The second one made Remus’s cheeks flush with warmth, he was kissing her underneath the mistletoe, his hands in her hair, devouring her in every way he could. It almost looked like a school photo of two teenagers making out, but there was something deeper about it, something more desirable and told a story of long-lasting love. 

He was mesmerised by it for far longer than he was comfortable with, eventually snapping back into reality when Sirius cleared his throat. Ginny and Hermione had taken an interest in the photographs and caught a glimpse of the one of Remus and Rosaline kissing. Remus quickly put it in his pocket not entirely comfortable with them looking at him behaving in a way they’d never seen before. 

It was only when the children went to help Molly with a few things around the house that Remus remembered he wanted to talk to Sirius about something.

‘You know I don’t like to ask you these things,’ Remus nervously swallowed. ‘And I wouldn’t unless it was important, but I just get the feeling that Rosaline is becoming a little more curious about who her father is.’

‘I thought she didn’t care.’ Sirius frowned, sipping his lukewarm tea.

‘I know, but we both know there will come a time when she may need to know… I just wanted to ask if you heard anything when you were in Azkaban? Anything that may point to who her father might be?’

Sirius considered his friend for a moment. ‘I heard a few things, nothing certain, not much more than rumours and whispers, ramblings… but the night the Bellatrix was brought in with Crouch and the others, I heard her saying something about Maggie, how she was a traitor to the cause and all the usual obsessive insanity she usually comes out with, but there was one she said that was interesting. I couldn’t see who she was speaking to, there were a fair few people being brought in and most of them would have either fought with Maggie or she was the reason they were in there, but Bellatrix said “you should’ve killed her the moment you found out it was yours”… I didn’t know what it really meant at the time and like I said, I couldn’t see who she was talking to, but whoever it was never answered her back and he was put in the cell next to mine, possibly one down. Over the first few months she kept raving on about Maggie and how this guy’s biggest mistake was trusting her with the information Voldemort was giving his most loyal followers, of course, at the time, Maggie was passing all of that information to us and we were using it to track down Death Eaters left, right and centre.’

‘Do you know who was in those cells next to yours?’ Remus asked, feeling like if Rosaline had simply asked Sirius she may well have found out instantly. 

‘I don’t know all of them, but Rodolphus and Rabastan were close by, along with Barty Crouch Jr, but he was moved later, I think Dolohov was close as well… there were others, but I wasn’t exactly trying to see them all.’

‘No, of course not.’ Remus gave an awkward and disappointed smile.

‘Sorry, Remus, I wish I knew for certain, but that’s really all I know for sure.’ Sirius felt for his friend and Remus knew it, he sighed and eventually left Grimmauld Place to head out on an assignment for Dumbledore.

It was a long couple of months for the Order and not much to show for it. Remus and Rosaline had only grown closer in that time, writing letters to each other when they had to leave early in the mornings, or when they knew they would be away for a few days. 

Remus had had a bad experience with the full moon, he was unusually exhausted and unable to get his body to do what he wanted it to do. Rosaline had been with him every step of the way though, she rushed to see him when Sirius told her how he was struggling and she climbed into bed with him, holding his fragile and broken down body against hers. He loved how she felt against him, he loved how she whispered how much she loved him and he especially loved her hands dancing over his skin, just trying to ignite him once again. 

Rosaline had even run a bath for him and stayed while he relaxed in the water, it was almost perfect, the only thing that would have made it better was if she was in the bath with him and he could hold her naked body against his, feeling every single part of her and appreciating it for what it was; beautiful.

They spent every night they were in Grimmauld Place together, sometimes they would dance to a new album that one of them had picked up, sometimes they would lay on the bed talk about how they felt about the war, how scared or worried they were and sometimes they would kiss until their lips were sore, they would touch each other’s skin and make all the aches and pains disappear for a while.

On occasion Remus would bump into Sirius who would show him yet another photo of them together. Remus couldn’t deny he loved to relive the memories unexpectedly, but he was so much happier to find that Sirius was only taking pictures because of how little evidence there was that Margaret Carter ever really existed, he didn’t want the same thing happening to Rosaline. Remus had suggested that he take one or two of him, which of course, he secretly loved. Sirius had always been handsome and he always knew it, much to Remus’s amusement whenever it backfired. 

Valentine’s Day had come around and Remus had the idea to take Rosaline back to his cottage and make her dinner, she was a little hesitant and nervous about it, but she didn’t say no and Remus made sure that he cleaned up and made his home presentable enough that she wouldn’t think him a slob; not that she would care in the slightest either way. 

He waited at Grimmauld Place for her to finish work and was progressively getting more and more nervous the longer he had to wait. Tonks had bounced into the kitchen and Remus felt his heart pumping a little harder, knowing that Rosaline would soon follow in after her, but much to his disappointment, the doorway remained empty for far too long.

‘She’s talking to Mad-Eye.’ Tonks winked at him, settling his nerves slightly. ‘Handing in a report on the assignment she was on this morning.’

‘She was on assignment?’ Remus frowned.

‘Yeah, collecting a couple of eye witnesses, ran into a little trouble, but nothing Rosie can’t handle.’ Tonks shrugged like it was no big deal. ‘She had Fischer with her so she wasn’t alone.’

‘Fischer?’ Where had Remus heard that name before? ‘He was one of the ones giving her a hard time last year.’

‘Yeah, but like I said, it wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle.’ Tonks suddenly realised what she had said. ‘Remus, Fischer isn’t completely heartless, he wouldn’t do anything to put her life in real danger, as far as he was aware it was just some harmless office banter. You shouldn’t worry about her as much, she’s more resilient than you think.’

Remus sighed. ‘I know,’ he nodded. ‘I just worry about everyone, we’re in such a dangerous time and any day could be our last.’

Tonks just gave him a sympathetic look, she knew exactly what he meant and it didn’t stop anyone worrying about each other for that exact reason. Remus waited another few minutes before finally Rosaline walked through the door talking urgently to Mad-Eye whose glass eye was scanning the room. 

‘I’ll look into things tomorrow,’ Mad-Eye put the conversation to bed. ‘We’ll talk more about this when I have. Keep your head down, Carter.’ 

Rosaline nodded with a slightly worried look that immediately was replaced with a nervous smile when she looked at Remus. 

All of his worries were settled when he saw her smiling at him. Remus wandered towards her and gently kissed her cheek, no one was paying them much attention so she wouldn’t be too embarrassed by his display of affection. Her skin was cool as it so often was when he first saw her after a hard few days.

‘Are you alright?’ Remus asked, gently sliding his hand over hers, feeling her instantly relax. 

‘Yeah, fine.’ She nodded, gently biting her lip.

‘Good, are you ready to go?’

Rosaline nodded again and they eventually left Grimmauld Place, hand in hand, the way Remus always wanted to be with her. They apparated to his little cottage in Yorkshire and she just smiled at the surrounding fields, while he guided her up the broken path. Remus suddenly wished he’d done something about the actual structure of the cottage, it was broken down and falling apart in places, nothing was at risk of leaking or even falling through, but it was in dire need of repairs that Remus just couldn’t afford to make any time soon. 

She didn’t care though, Rosaline never really had a home of her own, she stayed in Tonks’ spare room when she was working for the ministry and at Grimmauld Place when she was working for the Order, but there was nowhere for her to escape to, nowhere for her to simply rest and not worry about the dangers of the war or her job. Maybe his cottage could be that for her.

Remus gave her a very brief tour of his home, feeling a little embarrassed that he’d forgotten to tidy his bedroom which was covered in books and music, every surface, including the bed was hidden by albums and thick texts that he’d been reading at some point or another. 

Admittedly, Remus was sure that his bedroom would remain unseen by her, so decided not to take it upon himself to do anything about the mess. Rosaline loved it though, she loved it because that was the real Remus, he wasn’t an obsessive cleaner, he wasn’t a proud or vain man, he was just a little on the lazy side and a little on the bashful side. 

Eventually he gave her free reign over the choice of music and she decided on a smooth Leonard Cohen album that Remus had completely forgotten he had. He made dinner and they talked about whatever came to mind first. She was trying to fix a vanishing cabinet the ministry had found, but without assessing the second one or even knowing if it was still in existence, it was a difficult task to say the least.

‘Why does the ministry want to fix it? Why not just destroy it?’ Remus frowned, picking up her empty plate and taking it over to the sink.

‘Because if it stills works, chances are whoever was using it knows the second one is broken,’ Rosaline explained, sipping her Firewhiskey. ‘If they thought it was useless then they’d probably just dump it somewhere nearby or leave it in the place they were using it in the first war.’

‘So, you’re using it to try and find a Death Eater hide out?’ Remus concluded and she nodded. ‘Do you really think they’d still have it? And why is the minister suddenly interested is fixing vanishing cabinets?’

Remus topped up both of their glasses before heading back to the kitchen.

‘It’s not the minister who asked me to fix it, it was Kingsley.’ Rosaline said and Remus suddenly stopped. He knew exactly what that really meant, Dumbledore was probably the one who pointed Kingsley in the direction of the cabinet and therefore the only person skilled enough to fix it was Rosaline. ‘He’s planning of sending a scout through to see where it comes out… that’s if I can get it fixed.’ 

‘I’m sure with your skillset it won’t be too long before you work it out.’ Remus half smiled, not really doing it with any conviction, he didn’t really want Rosaline to fix the cabinet in case she was the one sent through to scout. ‘What do you listen to when you’re working on it?’ 

He sat down opposite her, changing the subject to a slightly happier one while they shared some chocolate cake he’d managed to get from Molly. They began talking about music again and Remus soon convinced her to dance with him. It seemed appropriate that they listen to her favourite album on Valentine’s Day, he hadn’t listened to it too many times since Christmas, but when he did, he felt the warmth of her body against his. 

‘Remus?’

‘Mmm.’ Remus held her close to his body, wrapping his arms around her waist and placing small, soft kisses against her skin, just the way she liked. He told her how beautiful she was in the candlelight and both of them felt the warm flow of the whiskey overtake them, they weren’t drunk, but they were comfortable and for Remus that was all he wanted her to be.

Rosaline pulled back a little to look at him, her eyes were heavy and dark and Remus wanted to kiss her with all the intensity he could muster. She brought her hand down to the locket that she wore every day since receiving it and carefully unclipped it so he could look inside.

His picture sat next to her mother’s and smiled up at him. 

‘So that I’m always reminded that I’m loved.’ Rosaline whispered and Remus couldn’t help himself, he slid his hands up into her thick hair and kissed her with all the intensity he had.

Remus was surprised to find her responding to his movements so easily, even encouraging him to devour her mouth. He could taste the mixture of whiskey and chocolate, his tongue exploring every part of her mouth and making her groan into him. Her hands grasping at anything that brought him closer to her, he felt his bookshelf behind her, not exactly realising that he’d been backing her against it, but she didn’t mind, she just continued to encourage him, before finally, Remus knew he couldn’t go any further.

He slowed the kiss and felt Rosaline’s disappointment. ‘Rosaline,’ he whispered, feeling the nervousness in his own voice. ‘This war… I’m so scared that I will lose you and I just can’t justify continuing on without you knowing how much I love you.’ He placed a delicate kiss to her lips, giving him the courage to reach into his pocket and pull out the small, square box he’d been carrying around for nearly three months. ‘Rosaline, will you marry me?’ 

Remus felt his entire being go into slow motion. Rosaline’s eyes widened, she looked down at the simple, silver ring with the small diamond that sat nestled on top, her mouth opened with the shock of it and Remus waited patiently for her to say something. He was scared, the longer she went without speaking, the less he thought she would say yes, the only consolation he had was that she hadn’t said no or even moved away from him.

‘You want to marry me?’ She croaked, tears already streaming down her face at an impossible rate. 

‘I do.’ Remus nodded, smiling. ‘I am so in love with you and I would gladly spend the rest of my life making you happy and giving you everything I have to give. I suppose the only real question is, can you settle for a werewolf for a husband?’ 

Rosaline had begun full on sobbing, but through it she nodded and croaked out a ‘yes’. Remus slid the ring onto her finger and kissed her, not caring in the slightest that her face was wet from tears or that she couldn’t kiss him properly from how much she was crying with happiness. 

She finally calmed down enough to let Remus kiss her and tell her how much he loved her, she managed eventually to kiss him back and soon, Remus was wishing he’d just cleaned up his bedroom before making slow, gentle love to Rosaline for the first time.


	27. Everything That Begins, Must End

Rosaline was a little uncomfortable with the attention she got over her engagement, but luckily it was only Tonks who couldn’t contain her excitement, everyone else just congratulated her and allowed her the room to simply be happy and get on with her job. There was still a war going on and every day they fought could easily have been their last, the ring on her finger was a reminder that she had something worth fighting for more now than she ever had before. 

Sirius had been happier than she’d ever seen him and the second she got to Grimmauld Place after the announcement, he caught her in a hug that was just a little too tight for comfort, making Remus step in and run his soothing hands over her shoulders where Sirius had squeezed a little too tightly. 

They’d spent the evening drinking and celebrating, Rosaline being careful not to just drink because Sirius was filling her glass, otherwise she’d end up with another famous Black hangover.

Remus had welcomed her into his cottage and encouraged her to treat it like her own home, before full on inviting her to live with him a couple of months later. It was a nerve-racking experience, the knowledge that she didn’t really have many things, got to her more than she thought it would. Remus was there to help her settle in and even cleared space for her books and music and helped her make the cottage feel more like her home as well.

Rosaline was beginning to understand it now, war left no room for hesitation or doubt, any day could be someone’s last and if you left anything unsaid, it would remain so forever. They continued to write letters to each other any time one of them needed to leave early in the morning, or even if there was a possibility that they wouldn’t be home for a few days. 

The wedding, they decided, would be small to suit both of their needs to not be in the limelight. Sirius and Tonks were invited as was Kingsley who they wanted to officiate.

Remus didn’t seem to care much about the planning of the wedding, he just wanted it to happen as soon as possible so that he could call her his wife. There was, however, one thing that Remus was worried about. 

Rosaline had kept quiet about the murmurs she was hearing at the ministry, but none of them were beyond Remus’s range of hearing. Umbridge was making strides in what she was calling ‘Anti-Werewolf Legislation’ and it was making the Order nervous. Rosaline didn’t care much about it, stating to Tonks that she would take on Umbridge herself before she took any of her rubbish. 

It was beyond her comprehension how someone could intentionally make life more difficult for anyone, werewolf or not. It was just inhumane and Rosaline had the heart of a lion, she wouldn’t back down on her views, something that Fischer and Dawlish found out the hard way. 

Kingsley had to step between Rosaline and the two men twice her size in order to negotiate peace, but Rosaline didn’t back down until they apologised. Fischer did quickly after Rosaline threatened to bring her wand out, but Dawlish just scoffed.

‘This is what you get Shacklebolt, when you hire the daughter of a Death Eater, the insanity runs in the blood.’ 

Mad-Eye, who had refused to help either side of the argument, stopped his giggling at the two grown men getting intimidated by such a small woman, even he knew bringing her mother into the equation was a very bad idea. Rosaline didn’t bother with magic, she launched herself at Dawlish landing a punch square in his chest and another cracking a bone in his jaw, before Kingsley lifted her small frame up and off of the groaning man. 

Mad-Eye restrained her and Tonks did her best to help, but Rosaline had a fiery temper that showed itself on those very rare occasions, there was a very good reason for that. She was a force to be reckoned with and they all knew it.

‘That’s enough!’ Kingsley boomed. ‘Tonks, get Dawlish to a Healer, I’ll deal with him later. Carter, in my office. Now!’

Rosaline knew she was in trouble, but she didn’t care. She took a deep breath and tried to focus, before marching into Kingsley’s office, with him hot on her heels. He shut the door, but not before putting up a silencing charm, something he made sure the entire office could see.

‘Take a breath, Rosie.’ Kingsley suddenly said with a much kinder voice and it only left Rosaline confused. ‘Dawlish is a moron if he thinks insulting you is a good idea, but your actions were outright idiotic.’ Rosaline understood she was being scolded but there was no venom in his words, it was almost like a friendly warning. ‘Rosie, we’re in the middle of a war that the minister is refusing to fight, ignoring the problem instead of dealing with it. Do not create further divides within, we need all the allies we can get. Our work will not be ignored forever, but we need to be prepared for the moment the minister sees reason. You need to keep that temper under control, save your anger for the real fight.’

Rosaline nodded taking another deep breath and trying to calm herself down.

‘I will speak with Dawlish about his actions and how stupid it was to rile you up,’ Kingsley grinned. ‘Just get on with that cabinet and if anyone asks, I’ve given you a stern warning.’ He winked at Rosaline, which made her feel considerably better. ‘Get some ice on those hands, you’ll feel it soon enough.’

Rosaline nodded again and was eventually allowed to leave Kingsley office, she went straight into her own, making no eye contact with anyone and sat down in front of the cabinet in the corner. She took out the locket and looked down at the two smiling faces of the people who loved her the most. 

It was safe to say that Remus wasn’t best pleased when Rosaline got home that evening, she was exhausted and so Remus didn’t scold her completely, but he did look after her and help her recover from the ordeal. He wasn’t stupid and Rosaline knew he’d asked Kingsley about what happened when suddenly he stopped giving her less than pleased looks whenever it was mentioned at an Order meeting. 

The wedding was upon them much sooner that Rosaline was ready for, they’d gone away to a secluded village in Scotland and married away from prying eyes. Rosaline was so incredibly nervous, Tonks told her a hundred times over how she was beautiful in her simple cream dress, she wasn’t one for heels and Remus didn’t mind her flats. He cried a little when he saw her, he looked so handsome in his dark suit and Sirius just couldn’t contain his happiness escaping as laughter every so often. 

It wasn’t a long ceremony, Kingsley cut out anything that Rosaline and Remus didn’t care about, all they wanted to was to be together, to love each other and to spend the rest of their lives making each other happy. Remus slid the plain silver ring against Rosaline’s engagement ring and said ‘I do’. He kissed her gently and Rosaline soon forgot that anyone else existed, all she could feel was his warm lips and her body burning away the pain, replacing it with the warmth glow that was Remus’s love. 

Kingsley had to leave to get back to the ministry and Tonks made sure that Sirius got back to Grimmauld Place without being spotted. Soon, it was just the two of them looking out at the beautiful view of the village and feeling the ache in their cheeks from how much they were smiling. 

Remus couldn’t stop kissing her and every time he did, it sent a wave of pleasure through her soul, enough to replace any pain she’d ever felt. They danced quietly to Blue Valentine and Rosaline loved the moment Remus told her it was quickly becoming his favourite album as well. She loved that she could share something with him and have him love it as much as her. Rosaline suddenly wanted to share everything she loved with him in the hopes that he would love it as well. 

The moment the sun set and they’d drunk the rest of their champagne and laughed until their stomachs hurt, they closed the door to their room in the Inn they were staying at, and spent the whole night making intense and tender love to each other. 

Rosaline’s body igniting with every delicate touch, soft kiss, swipe of the tongue and whispered word that Remus provided. She’d never felt so good in all her life and she knew it was all because Remus simply loved her. She hoped he could feel her love, it was just as deep and only reserved for him. 

They spent the rest of their honeymoon listening to music, walking around, talking about things that didn’t really matter and making love to each other any chance they got. It was important to Rosaline that they spend the time together and not waste any of not doing exactly what they wanted to do together. 

They got back from their week long honeymoon just after the Easter holidays, fully expecting to get caught up in their responsibilities to the ministry and the Order. Remus had hoped their week together had been enough for Rosaline, it wasn’t extravagant, neither of them could afford anything more than a week in a cheap Inn, but once again, she didn’t seem to care. Rosaline only seemed to care that he was happy and that he wasn’t worried about anything beyond themselves.

Remus took every opportunity he had to kiss her and remind her that he loved her, the war was making him panic more and more every day that he was running out of time to spend with her. He couldn’t predict the future or influence it in any way, but he could spend whatever time they had left devoting himself to Rosaline and he planned on doing just that. 

‘There he is!’ Sirius cheered one morning when Remus went to visit Grimmauld Place, Bill Weasley and Mundungus Fletcher were the only other two people in the whole house. Sirius hugged Remus and gave him a proper congratulations on getting married, as did Bill and Mundungus. ‘I’ve got a couple of photos upstairs for you to show Rosie, she looks great in them.’ 

Sirius disappeared and Remus couldn’t help chuckling at his friend. He’d been keeping all the photos in a box beneath his bed, getting them out to show Rosaline on occasion, or just to look at her picture when she wasn’t around. 

‘Congratulations Remus, you must be a very happy man.’ Bill smiled his signature Weasley smile, kind by nature and a little cheeky at the edges. 

‘Very much so.’ Remus nodded. ‘It was good to spend a little time away from things as well, I think Rosaline needed the rest.’

‘Hope you didn’t get too much rest, wedding night must’ve been a wild one.’ Mundungus gave a greasy wink and a smile, but neither Remus nor Bill thought it particularly appropriate and so said nothing. There was no need for Remus to give the details of any night spent with Rosaline to anyone, least of all someone like him.

Sirius came back just in time and showed Remus the photos. He was right, Rosaline looked stunning, her thick, dark hair curled around her shoulders, the soft, cream material of the dress, clinging onto to every curve she had and her beautifully bright green eyes shining out above the sweet freckles of her cheeks. She was so beautiful.

When he showed her the photos, she wasn’t too convinced of her beauty, but Remus continued to tell her that she was in the hopes that one day she may think a little more of her appearance. But for the time being, he was happy enough to call Rosaline Carter, now Lupin, his wife. 

‘You…’ she stopped him one evening just as he was about to ascend the stairs to bed. ‘You know that you’re handsome… right?’ Her cheeks flushed pink and Remus couldn’t stop his grin.

‘I’m glad that you think so.’ He said and took her hand in his, kissing gently. ‘Maybe one day, we’ll both realise we’re insanely good looking people.’

That made her giggle and Remus took her up to bed, holding her close and trying to hard to see himself as she saw him, he failed miserably, but as long as she thought he was handsome, he could live with himself happily.

Remus had kept his ears open for the information flowing in and out of Grimmauld Place, trying to keep both himself and Rosaline updated as much as possible and piece together anything that seemed out of place. The news came that Umbridge was making life very difficult for Harry and the others, but there was little he or Sirius could do talking to them through the fire, she hated half-breeds and Sirius was a convict supposedly on the run. The only thing they could tell him was to keep his head down and try not to anger her too much otherwise it’ll just continue to get worse for them.

Remus was sure that Harry wouldn’t take their advice and tried to think of anything he could do to help, even if it was simply distracting her attention away from Harry, but Rosaline wouldn’t stand for it, she’d already stood up for him with Dawlish, there was no telling her reaction to a woman she hated more with each passing day.

Rosaline had yet to fix the vanishing cabinet, unable to latch onto anything resembling the sister cabinet, she explained that there was a good chance that it was no longer in existence. Dumbledore had escaped the ministry which he claimed was probably a good thing for now, it meant he could do more hands on work, whatever that really meant, no one actually knew, but no one asked. 

Overall, married life was not what either Remus or Rosaline expected, but Remus had been struggling to find any work to keep himself afloat, he hardly expected a life of luxury and Rosaline seemed to get by just fine, not caring about money or even comfort some days. He really had been incredibly lucky to have married her, she was there for him after every full moon, they bathed together, she massaged his aching muscles and held him while he slept it off, she didn’t even ask for anything for herself on those mornings. Remus was insistent that he make it up to her when he felt better, but the only thing she wanted was to listen to music, kiss him and occasionally make love to him.

He did everything he could to be a good husband, to be the husband he thought she deserved, but some days when the assignments and missions became too much, he felt like he was failing. Reality was starting to hit, with the strides the anti-werewolf legislation was making, it was clear that more and more restrictions were being put on his ability to provide for her and the stress was starting to show.

‘You know that I don’t care, right?’ Rosaline said, quietly into shoulder one night when they were relaxing in front of the fire. She was exhausted and neither of them could be bothered to cook, so just found some leftovers to put on a plate and picked at it whenever they felt the energy to do so. ‘The Aurors department need me, Kingsley said so himself, said it would take four good crafters to do what I do in a day and it would be far too expensive to replace me.’ 

She was trying to make him smile and he hated to admit that it worked. ‘You’re irreplaceable, you don’t have to tell me that.’ Remus turned to kiss her hair, inhaling his favourite smell that was her jasmine shampoo. He’d let slip at one point when they were showering together that he loved the smell and ever since then, she’d gently teased him about his heightened sense of smell, because no one else had ever mentioned it before, even Tonks. 

Remus ran his thumb over her two rings, satisfied that this was his life now, his wife resting against his shoulder, a fire keeping them warm and music filling the silence around them. 

‘I want you to have everything you deserve,’ Remus said, looking down at their rings. ‘I’m worried that I can’t give it to you anymore, despite how much I want to and how much I am trying.’

‘I think you think I deserve more than I actually do,’ Rosaline smiled into his neck, making his skin warm as he felt her lips moving against him. ‘I think, from what you have told me, I deserve to be happy, which I am, and I deserve to be loved, which I am. Everything else is just a bonus, but I don’t really need anything else.’

Remus smiled and let out a content sigh. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘You’ll tell me the second you’re not happy, won’t you? The second you don’t feel loved.’

Rosaline moved so that she was looking straight at him. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever not feel your love.’ She said and placed a soft kiss to the side of his mouth. 

They went to bed early and for a while they just held each other, and once again Remus felt happy existing only within that moment with Rosaline, everything else didn’t matter.

‘I just can’t believe you’ve taken so many pictures.’ Rosaline groaned, hiding her face in her hands, everyone laughing at the sight of Sirius once again pulling out photographs of them all from his pocket.

Remus decided to spend the evening at Grimmauld Place, mostly to visit Sirius, but also to catch up with Tonks and Kingsley, who had arrived on a rare evening off from work. Remus had his arm draped around his wife’s chair, keeping her close and finally being able to love her without feeling like they were hiding their relationship.

‘Memories are important,’ Sirius stated. ‘And when the day comes where we’re all sitting in our rocking chairs and are unable to recall the day that Tonks changed into an old woman to scare Mundungus, you’ll be glad I took so many photographs.’

‘If you carry on, I won’t let you make it into that rocking chair.’ Rosaline grumbled, again making everyone laugh. 

‘Oh, Rosie, this is a good one of you.’ Tonks said, showing her a picture of Rosaline pranking Sirius and winking at the camera that Remus had been holding. 

‘Okay that one I’m not so keen on.’ Sirius joked and they continued to remember what they were doing in each picture. 

Rosaline kept looking at Remus who just smiled at her, making her blush a little. 

‘Hey, where is that camera anyway?’ Kingsley asked.

‘Oh, you mean… this camera?’ Sirius pointed his wand to the other end of the table and everyone looked in time for the flash to blind them all and set them off in a fit of laughter.

The good time was interrupted when the call came from Snape. Mad-Eye arrived in time to go with them to the ministry and help Harry and the other children out of a very sticky spot with a group of Death Eaters. What were they doing at the ministry? 

‘I’ll get Harry, just keep the others safe.’ Sirius said, rushing off towards Harry with Remus not far behind.

Rosaline kept her wits about her, she and Tonks getting the kids to a safe spot, defending them from incoming spells, she could see Remus fighting off Lucius and Sirius holding back any spell fired close to Harry. 

Mad-Eye was fending off two of them and Rosaline felt her usual need to help wherever she could. She darted over and sent spells flying at one Death Eater she recognised as Rodolphus Lestrange, while Mad-Eye dealt with the other. These were the Death Eaters that had escaped Azkaban, she’d not told Remus how worried she was about it, particularly as one of them was Bellatrix Lestrange, a woman her mother hated, but she should have done, she should have told him she was scared and been honest every time he asked if she was okay.

Rosaline looked just in time to see Bellatrix sending a curse towards Sirius, who was slowly falling back into the veil, her heart immediately hurt, he couldn’t be gone. 

Suddenly Harry was rushing towards the veil, with Remus catching him and restraining him, telling him he was gone over his screams for his godfather. Rosaline felt her knees give in and the tears began flowing freely. 

‘Harry, he’s dead!’ Remus shouted, but Harry just wouldn’t take his word for it. Dumbledore had arrived and helped round up the rest of the Death Eaters, but Bellatrix and a couple of others had escaped through a narrow corridor. Rosaline saw her smiling at Harry and knew that she was the reason that Sirius was dead.

Rosaline jumped to her feet and ran after Bellatrix, not wanting her to escape justice, but Harry had already began sprinting and managed to get through to the atrium before her. Rosaline was a surprisingly fast sprinter from all the years of practice when she and her mother were attacked and she was told to keep running. 

She caught up to Harry and immediately blocked a spell from Lestrange, who cackled.

‘Look who it is,’ she said in her sickening voice. ‘It’s baby Carter.’

‘Stay behind me Harry.’ Rosaline commanded, making sure that she held Harry in place to stop him doing anything stupid. 

‘What? You think you can protect him?’ Rosaline braced herself for what was coming. ‘Your dear old mum couldn’t protect you, the dirty traitor she was!’ 

Rosaline felt her temper flaring and it was showing, she felt something fiery attempting to burst from within her. She kept her wand raised and her eyes firmly on Lestrange. 

‘Such a shame I wasn’t there,’ she continued to taunt Rosaline, but she wouldn’t break. ‘I heard from the Carrows it was a sight to behold, even Yaxley was bragging about killing off that filthy bitch-‘

Suddenly something red and violent burst from Rosaline’s wand and hit Bellatrix square in the chest. She screamed in pain and Rosaline felt her anger almost blinding her.

Harry began panicking about something and it was only then that Rosaline saw the face of Lord Voldemort looking on, bemused more than anything. Bellatrix started laughing through her pain and once again, Rosaline didn’t hesitate in dragging Harry behind her so that she could block anything they threw at him. She was terrified, she’d never seen Voldemort in person before and for the longest time, counted herself very lucky.

‘Such a pity,’ the cold, silky voice penetrated Rosaline’s bones in a way that was all too familiar. ‘Your mother was such an intelligent woman, if only she had chosen the right side, if only she had thought about what was best for you, perhaps she would have survived.’

Rosaline swallowed nervously, she suddenly realised that Remus was devastated at losing Sirius, the Order members were looking after the children and Dumbledore probably had no idea where they were. She wasn’t sure she could take on both Bellatrix and Voldemort and protect Harry at the same time. Surely this was it, she was about to die. 

‘I knew of her betrayal the moment your father revealed you to me despite all she did to hide you, courageous, but stupid.’ Voldemort continued while Bellatrix had begun recovering. ‘Such a pretty young thing you were, you would have made such a strong member-‘

‘You’re lying.’ Rosaline found her voice, she couldn’t let Voldemort spit his lies and allow Bellatrix to recover and outnumber her like this.

‘I do not lie.’ He snapped and Rosaline could see a very short temper of his own, maybe she could use it to her advantage. ‘I suppose she never told you who your father really was, did she? I’m hardly surprised, it would have brought such shame upon his family… the name Lestrange means so much these days.’ 

Rosaline felt her whole being freeze, the only thing that took her attention was Bellatrix beginning to cackle and the shape of Rodolphus Lestrange appearing in the shadows behind Voldemort. Rosaline felt sick to her stomach, she could see from where she was standing a layer of freckles covering the man’s cheeks, they were exactly like her own and at that point there was no real denying it. 

But still, it couldn’t be true, surely her mother would not have… not with him. Rosaline suddenly raised her dropping wand, remembering she was there to do a job.

‘Rosie.’ Rodolphus’s voice was soft like hers, low and rarely used for volume. Rosaline wanted to throw up. ‘Perhaps you would allow me to explain,’ Rosaline could see Bellatrix getting to her feet, she stepped back pushing Harry out of their sight, keeping him protected, that was her focus and she needed to remember that. ‘You look just like your mother-‘

‘Did you kill her?’ Rosaline found herself asking.

‘No,’ Rodolphus said immediately and for some reason Rosaline believed him. ‘I loved her, but my duty was to the Dark Lord and she was losing her faith in him… I tried to help her, but she had already made mistakes that I couldn’t undo.’

‘You mean she started to see reason and do the right thing.’

Voldemort suddenly started laughing a strange and unnatural laugh. ‘She is a fighter!’ He applauded and Bellatrix started laughing as well. 

‘Must get that from dear old mummy.’ Bellatrix cackled and Rodolphus shot her a look that quietened her.

‘Bellatrix, give me one moment of peace with my daughter!’

‘Rosie, what’s happening?’ Harry whispered and honestly Rosaline had no idea. Clearly the Lestranges didn’t love each other, they probably hated each other, but that was no excuse for their behaviour. 

‘Rosie,’ Rodolphus stepped towards her. ‘Please, lower your wand.’

‘Did you send the Death Eaters after us?’ Rosaline demanded.

‘He didn’t have the stomach, I had to do it.’ Bellatrix interrupted, Rosaline felt her arm lowering just slightly, there were far too many thoughts going through her head, she couldn’t focus and the pain began taking over, the memory of her mother dying was replaying over and over again in the back of her mind. ‘Didn’t stop him telling them to make it quick though, did it?’

Rosaline’s flare of rage was a full blown fire and her wand snapped back up and directed at the three of them.

‘Rosie, I just want you to know that I did love you,’ Rodolphus stepped forward a little more. ‘And if I could have spared her, I would have.’

Rosaline could feel the white hot tears burning holes through her cheeks. ‘I don’t care,’ she said. ‘You killed my mum.’ 

Two bolts of red light shot from Rosaline’s wand and hit Rodolphus and Bellatrix, Voldemort didn’t hesitate and soon Rosaline found herself in a battle with Lord Voldemort, she knew she couldn’t keep it up, she would never win against him, but maybe someone would hear them and come to her rescue.

Rosaline was struggling to hold a shield up against the onslaught of his attacking spells, he was just far too powerful, but suddenly the attacking stopped and just as Rosaline was about to take advantage she turned to see Bellatrix shooting her own curse at Rosaline’s chest, sending her flying across the atrium. 

Her blood was boiling, burning through hers veins, inflating her heart and making it fit to burst from her chest. She screamed so loudly she was sure blood was flooding her throat, before she could come down from the raging agony that was crushing her body, another curse hit her ribcage and the whole process started again. She knew she was dying and this was the end of her life, this was the end of everything she had ever known.

It didn’t take long for Rosaline to simply lose the ability to react the curses being shot at her, she felt the waves hitting her over and over again, but her body just couldn’t feel anything else anymore. Rosaline closed her eyes and pictured Remus holding her, dancing to Blue Valentine and telling her that she loved him. She would miss him and she hoped he would find the will to continue on without her.


	28. The Choice I Never Wanted To Make

Remus had made it just in time, sending off a stunner towards Bellatrix while Dumbledore entered into what was the most vicious battle Remus had ever seen with Lord Voldemort. They were both so powerful and neither looked to be backing down any time soon. He rushed over to the limp body of his wife and felt his heart ready to empty of all remaining faith. 

‘Rosaline,’ Remus listened for breath. ‘Rosaline, please don’t die, please just wake up for me, please.’ He was begging, but nothing was happening, she wasn’t waking up. ‘Please, please just wake up, I can’t lose you, I can’t.’ His tears were blocking his vision. 

The sound of glass shattering had him looking up to see the falling shards, he threw his body over Rosaline’s, protecting her instinctively, before looking up to where Rodolphus Lestrange was showing what appeared to be concern. Suddenly Sirius’s words came flooding back to him, there was no love in his marriage to Bellatrix, but it was entirely possible that given the time he would have spent with Margaret Carter, that he was in fact Rosaline’s father.

‘Is she alive?’ He hissed and Remus could see it, the freckles that littered his cheeks were not unlike Rosaline’s. ‘Is Rosie alive?’ He hissed again and Remus immediately went back to checking his wife’s status. He lowered his head again and felt shallow, hot breath. She was alive, but barely.

‘She needs to be taken to St Mungo’s.’ Remus said and went about preparing Rosaline to be carried there. ‘If you care at all for your daughter, you will not stop me.’

‘I have a duty to the Dark Lord.’ Rodolphus pulled out his wand.

‘And I have a duty to my wife.’ Remus matched him and the Death Eater’s expression dropped.

‘She has brought shame on the name Lestrange by marrying a half-breed.’ He spat.

‘Well it’s a good job she isn’t a Lestrange,’ Remus growled. ‘She was a Carter and now a Lupin and I will always be proud to call her my wife.’ Remus didn’t hesitate, the words of some curse about to leave Rodolphus’s lips, but before he could get them out, Remus sent the most powerful stunner he could muster straight at his chest, knocking him unconscious. 

He looked up to see the ministry officials arriving, Voldemort disapparating with Bellatrix and Dumbledore tending to Harry who looked like he was struggling as well. Dumbledore gave Remus a look that told him to get out of there before the ministry officials saw him, he couldn’t risk Rosaline’s job there, but at least Rodolphus would be sent back to Azkaban and at least Rosaline could get the help she needed.

It was a long few days and the Healers were at a loss for what else to try, Remus hadn’t left Rosaline’s side, he’d finished crying, he just didn’t have anymore tears left. Sirius was gone and all he really had left was the woman lying helpless in front of him. Tonks had visited just the once, she couldn’t make it anymore than that due to the ministry actually taking the return of Voldemort seriously and doing something about it. 

There was uproar over Fudge’s lack of competency and everyone was calling for his resignation, even Remus thought he was unequipped and lacked the spine to lead them through a war, but much more important things were arising. Tonks had passed along a message that they were seeing Harry back to the Dursleys and giving them stern warning over Harry’s mistreatment during the summer.

Remus half hoped Rosaline would wake up before he needed to leave, but also worried in case she woke up without him there. He left it as late as possible the next day before leaving the hospital, making just in time for Harry getting off the train and for the first time in days, Remus felt a little more normal for being around the vibrancy of Tonks and few other Order members, but always kept Rosaline in the back of his mind.

They gave their warning to the Dursley’s, Remus even managing a smile at seeing Vernon Dursley cowering in front of Mad-Eye.

‘I’m sorry about Rosie.’ Harry said, while the Order stood up for him. ‘Is she okay?’

Remus felt a small lump form in his throat that he wasn’t ready for. ‘Rosaline is resting, she is stable and all there is left for her to do is wake up.’ Remus gave a small smile.

‘I don’t know why she didn’t let me help, she just kept standing in front of me so that Voldemort couldn’t see me.’ Harry was at a loss, but Remus just placed his hand on his shoulder and smiled.

‘My wife is a brave woman and she is known for her fierce temper when it comes to protecting those who need to be protected.’ Remus told him. ‘She would not have let you face the three of them alone, regardless of anything.’

Harry frowned for a moment. ‘That man… it sounded like he was her father-‘

‘Harry, there is no need to dwell on what happened in the atrium,’ Remus told him a little more firmly. ‘Rosaline and I have yet to discuss it. Just focus on staying safe this summer and we will see you again very soon.’ 

Remus didn’t realise how sensitive he’d been surrounding what happened with Rodolphus, he hadn’t put much thought into what he’d said, or even his reaction to Rosaline getting hurt, all Remus had really thought about was making sure that his wife recovered properly. 

They said their farewells to the Dursley’s and Harry and as soon as Remus could, he apparated back to St Mungo’s.

It was another few days without any change when the Healers had told Remus that he may want to think about the possibility that she may not wake up at all. He was at his limit and Tonks was the only one trying to facilitate a peace between him and the staff.

‘She will wake up, you just have to give her a little more time.’ Lupin pleaded.

‘Mr Lupin, we have already given her two weeks and there has been no change in that allotted time.’ The older Healer had said on numerous occasions with her stern tone. ‘Soon we will have no choice, but to-‘

‘What if we take her home?’ Tonks got between Remus and the Healer. ‘We know a Healer who can monitor her and if she doesn’t wake up then at least she’ll be comfortable.’

The Healer sighed and eventually agreed.

‘Tonks,’ Remus pulled her to one side. ‘What are you doing?’

‘What did you do last time?’ 

‘What?’

‘The last time she was hit with that curse she was unconscious and then she woke up after seeing you.’ Tonks explained. ‘You must have done something that everyone else isn’t doing.’

‘I just…’ Remus stuttered, feeling the stress and grief overwhelm him. ‘We just talked, I held her hand and… then she took a bath.’ 

‘Well, have you tried any of those things?’

Remus sighed heavily, not enjoying any of this. ‘No, they won’t let me touch her in case we cause her more pain.’

‘Remus, you’re an idiot, go and hold her hand, let her know you’re here!’ Tonks exclaimed and Remus didn’t have any time to question or argue back before the small Auror was pushing him to her bedside. ‘Do it now before anyone stops you.’ She urged and for the first time since the atrium, Remus held his dying wife’s hand. 

Rosaline was cold, her pale, milky skin was freezing and Remus couldn’t help but run his own much warmer hands over it, trying to think of what to say. ‘Rosaline,’ he said quietly through his tears. ‘Rosaline, I’m here. I’m right here… I need you to wake up and tell me what you need,’ Remus edged just a little closer. ‘Please tell me what you need… be selfish for me… I don’t know what to do if you don’t tell me… please wake up. Please just wake up.’ 

Suddenly one of the Healers came in and pried him away, stating that by touching her skin the curse would only be felt by her that much more, but something clicked in Remus’s head. Rosaline had always told him that when he touched her, she didn’t feel the pain as much, she felt loved. Love, as Remus had always known, was the only thing that could stand up to any amount of pain. 

He was allowed to take her home at last. Remus carried her into their cottage and took her upstairs to their bed, Tonks brought in her things and went about making some tea for Remus who hadn’t actually eaten for the last two days, his worry taking away any feeling of hunger he may have had. 

He did everything he could to make their bedroom the ideal place for her to wake up, he played music, he kept the room warm, he talked to her constantly, read to her, held her hand and kissed her skin wherever he could reach, anything to give her something of what she may have needed. Remus tried for nearly a week, Madam Pomfrey visited and administered a few treatments to keep her body healthy and able to withstand waking up, but even she was beginning to have doubts.

‘Remus, I know you love her,’ Poppy said, watching as Remus sat on the edge of the bed, kissing his wife’s hand over and over again. ‘But you have think about what this may be doing to her. She may not want to wake up.’

Remus felt his entire chest cave in, he hadn’t thought about that possibility at all. In all of Rosaline’s life, she never felt such joy until the moment Remus decided to devote himself to her, she was happy, she was finally happy and Remus was the reason for it, but now he was becoming the cause of her pain. 

He was finally faced with the decision he never wanted to make. Remus had never sobbed so hard in all his life, Tonks held him while he poured his heart out. Did he allow himself to live in this limbo of hope that she may have woken up to continue living with the pain she’d always known? Or did he give her the peace she’d always desired? Did he make the choice to help her finally end her life? 

‘You were a good husband,’ Tonks cried as well, trying so hard to hold the both of them together on the floor next to Rosaline. ‘You were the reason she was finally happy, you always did what was best for her… and now it’s time to do this one last thing for her.’ Remus’s body was shaking, he couldn’t lose everything all over again, but he couldn’t be the reason she was in pain either, he’d done both of those things and to this day he couldn’t decide which was worse. ‘Rosaline deserves to be free from pain, you know that… so help her.’

Remus wailed and sobbed until he couldn’t feel himself anymore, finally nodding to Pomfrey to prepare what she needed to end Rosaline’s life. 

‘I’ll give you the night to say goodbye.’ She said, the lump in her throat could easily be heard before she left the small cottage.

‘You’re doing the right thing.’ Tonks whispered, still holding him against her, trying to comfort him, but it honestly wasn’t working. The only thing Remus needed to comfort him was Rosaline’s arms around him, telling him that she loved him. 

Remus asked if he could be alone with his wife on her last night on earth and Tonks nodded, giving Rosaline a kiss to her forehead and leaving the cottage as well, sobbing as she did. Remus thought he saw Rosaline frowning slightly just as Tonks made contact with her skin, hope flared once more, but Remus reasoned with himself that he was just imagining things, seeing what he wanted to see. 

He climbed into bed next to Rosaline, wearing only his old beige t-shirt and kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her soft, pink lips, he whispered that he loved her, that she was beautiful, he ran his hands over her shoulders, her arms, her waist, her hips, committing everything to memory. Remus brought her close to him and breathed her in, her hair didn’t smell like jasmine anymore, it smelt like generic shampoo used at St Mungo’s, this wasn’t the woman he fell in love with. The Rosaline he married smelled of jasmine, her cheeks blushed when he commented on her beauty, she bit her lip when she was at a loss for what to say and she always reminded him that she was brave through her simple existence. 

Remus cried all through the morning hours, he played From Her To Eternity on repeat, he sang the songs to her, he begged her to wake up, he promised her a life filled with more love than she could ever imagine… something wasn’t right. 

Remus suddenly looked down at Rosaline, her face wasn’t quite right, her skin was reddening, her cheeks were flushing, the frown was back and when Remus went to hold her hand, he found it was clenched.


	29. Love, Is It Enough?

Tonks spent the entire night crying on and off, the loss of Sirius was bad enough, but losing her best friend felt like the end of the world. She’d been there for Rosie every step of the way, she helped her get together with Remus, they were such a good fit. Tonks loved to imagine what their future looked like, spending hours of the evening joking with Sirius that the Lupin litter would be on the way soon. She never dared joke with Rosie about it for fear that she would panic and all the progress she made would be erased.

Tonks remembered the first day she’d met Rosie, she knew instantly that there was something very different about her, mistaking the brilliant craftswoman for someone who was delicate and in need of protection. Little had she known the quiet young woman was hiding what a powerful dueller and handy asset she was in tight situations and she was fast as well, Tonks had never seen anyone so unassuming move at the speed that Rosie moved at. It was only later that she found out how she had become that way, spending years either in hiding or on the run, Rosie had learnt to be resourceful and how to survive. She was brilliant, she was kind, unwaveringly brave and loyal, she was the one Tonks had always wanted the best for and now she was gone. 

She’d never seen Remus cry like that before, never seen such a calm man break down the way he did for his wife. Remus had always seemed like someone who was in constant control and Tonks admired him for it, Rosie needed someone who could help her keep her own control and by marrying Remus she found somewhere to put her focus.

Tonks had barely slept and by the time she needed to leave to head back to Remus’s cottage, she was exhausted. She apparated there, seeing Poppy who had arrived only seconds before her. 

‘Oh, Tonks, thank goodness it’s you.’ The slightly panicked matron smiled nervously. Everyone was on edge and Tonks knew that anywhere outside of Hogwarts probably didn’t feel too safe. 

They headed into the cottage and heard the sounds of music playing much louder than the previous day. The two women frowned at each other and headed up stairs to the bedroom. It was empty. They searched the entire cottage and even sent a patronus to Dumbledore, worrying that Remus had done something terrible, before finally Tonks found him cradling Rosie in the full bathtub, she could hear him singing and watched as he repeatedly scooped up some water, gently washing her hair, stroking her cheek and softly kissing anywhere he could reach.

‘Shh,’ Remus hushed. ‘It’s okay, just breathe, relax, I’m right here Rosaline. I won’t leave you, just relax.’

Tonks suddenly saw Rosie’s body heave in a much deeper breath, she called Poppy and knelt beside the bathtub to see that Rosie was making small movements against Remus, her fist clenching against his bare chest and her body shivering slightly.

‘Oh my god.’ Poppy rushed into the bathroom.

‘Shh.’ Remus hushed the matron. ‘Tonks, I don’t have my wand,’ he said, without taking his attention away from his wife. ‘The water is getting cold.’ 

Tonks took out her wand and began heating the almost freezing cold water, how long had he been in there with her? 

‘Not too hot,’ he warned. ‘Just warm.’

‘Remus, what on earth possessed you to do this?’ Poppy demanded in her shrill tone, earning a glare from Remus who guarded Rosie’s ears from the noise and Tonks understood what was happening.

‘Rosaline needed a bath,’ Remus said simply. ‘So, I ran her one.’ 

‘You did this last time as well.’ Tonks concluded. 

‘I hardly think a simple bath has fixed her.’ Poppy was still outraged that Remus had been so careless with someone who was clearly sick.

‘Poppy.’ A smooth voice came from the door to the bathroom. Dumbledore. 

Tonks and Poppy went outside to talk with Dumbledore and tell him what they found, all of it seemed completely mental and yet, Rosie was waking up.

‘Her mother protected her from the Cruciatis curse when she was a child,’ Dumbledore thought out loud. ‘She died protecting her… love works in strange ways, but it is entirely possible that Margaret Carter’s sacrifice is the reason why she has survived for so long in this condition.’

Tonks just frowned at her old headmaster. ‘Love?’

‘Lily Potter made a similar sacrifice for Harry, it is love that protects him from Lord Voldemort and I hope it will continue to do so for a long time to come.’ Dumbledore glanced into the bathroom where Remus was still tending to Rosaline. ‘I think it is best that we allow Remus to care for his wife for the time being.’

‘He’s exhausted.’ Tonks sighed. ‘We can’t let him-‘

‘He is sacrificing his own needs to serve hers,’ Dumbledore interjected. ‘Her mother’s love is being reinforced by his and no curse can withstand that. Do what you can to help Remus and let him do the rest for Rosie.’ Dumbledore ordered them, before popping his head around the corner of the door. ‘Remus, when Rosie wakes up, please tell her I hope she recovers well, I have missed our chats.’

Remus nodded and continued to sing to Rosie and wash her body, because that was what she needed.

Remus could feel every fibre in his body aching, after twelve hours of ritualistically washing Rosaline’s hair and running his hands over her skin while she slept, he thought he might die from the exhaustion. But he kept going, he could feel her moving, he could hear her heart picking up speed every time he told her he loved her. Her eyebrows would knit together when his clothes hurt her and a small noise of discomfort would form in the back of her throat. She was very much alive and Remus would not give up on his wife now.

He had prepared to defend her status the moment Poppy came to see him, but it seemed he didn’t need to in the end, the matron just kept forcing him to take pepper-up potions and eat chocolate if nothing else. On occasion she would check Rosaline’s vitals and make sure she was being given what she needed to stay healthy. 

Remus curled around Rosaline’s body late into the evening and read to her. Her hair smelled like jasmine now, her cheeks were flush with colour and her fists were clenching and unclenching routinely. 

‘Rosaline, I need you to wake up,’ Remus sighed, letting the book fall onto the bed from his shaking hands. He was just so tired. ‘Please wake up for me… I love you with all my heart… I’m never leaving you again.’ He promised and felt his heavy eyes shut as he finally got the sleep he sorely needed. 

Remus woke only a few hours later, his body curled into a ball facing the cooler side of the bed, he could clearly remember the mornings he’d woken up with her arms wrapped around his thin frame, feeling the comfort and love of his wife… wait, it wasn’t a memory. Remus opened his eyes and adjusted very slightly, but Rosaline’s arms were definitely around his body and there was absolutely no chance that he moved her into that position.

He quickly turned to find her abruptly waking up form his sudden movements. The agony circulating her body as Rosaline heaved breath into her lungs.

‘Rosaline,’ Remus whispered, his hands shaking as he moved the hair from her face. ‘Rosaline, I’m here, I’m right here.’

‘It hurts.’ There was barely any noise, in fact Remus was sure that her voice was not working at all and he had just read her lips. 

He couldn’t help his smile, he was crying from how much pain she was in, doing his duty, holding her, stroking her, telling her everything was going to be okay and he loved her, he was scared out of his mind, but he was happy. His wife was alive. 

‘Please.’ She begged, the breath that escaped her lips was the only indication she had said anything at all.

Remus’s shaking hands held her face gently while he kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her cracked and pale lips, he didn’t care that they weren’t their usual soft and rosy, it was her. 

‘Just breathe.’ Remus’s voice shook and it was only then that he remembered the full moon was that night, he couldn’t stay with her all night, but he would stay until it was no longer safe to do so. ‘Just relax, just breathe for me… I’ll put some music on.’ 

Remus felt every muscle in his body starting to fail him, he was far too weak to continue doing this, especially with the moon so close, but he couldn’t let her fall asleep and never wake up. He played Blue Valentine and lined up a few other albums to put on afterwards, she would like that. 

Rosaline was beginning to really struggle and Remus slumped back into bed next to her, pulling up the soft sheets and curling his arms around her. He buried his face into her warm neck and placed small kisses to the skin, finally feeling the exhaustion overtake him.

‘I love you Rosaline,’ he whispered, feeling her body shake with his and her stuttered and uneven breathing was somehow soothing. ‘I was so scared that you would die.’ Remus began crying, he didn’t have the energy to sob, but he knew that she could feel his tears, he prayed that they were giving her some kind of freedom from the pain she felt. 

He could feel her starting to panic. ‘I didn’t,’ she exhaled. ‘I said I wouldn’t… Remus, you made me promise and I didn’t, I didn’t, I swear… I didn’t mean to.’

Remus felt a sickening thrill to hear her sobbing, he hadn’t heard her make any more noise than soft breathing for so long and now she was sobbing and showing him just how alive she really was. 

‘It’s okay,’ Remus whispered, unable to really give her anymore of what she needed. ‘You didn’t, you survived, Rosaline… and I love you so much.’ Remus let his eyes close as the last of his energy began leaving him, he just couldn’t keep it up any longer, but she was alive and that was all that mattered.

Tonks made the point to visit the afternoon before the full moon, she knew that Remus wouldn’t have left Rosie, but he couldn’t stay while he was a threat to her, Tonks told Kingsley she would need the afternoon and evening off and without hesitation and regardless of what the minister wanted, he gave her two days leave.

‘We need our crafter back to get through the next few months.’ Kingsley told her as she left. Tonks promised to do everything she could, despite the looks from Dawlish and Fischer. 

The cottage was quiet when Tonks arrived, she could hear faint music which had become default when entering the Lupin’s place, Remus couldn’t handle a silent home and Rosie disliked it as well. She ascended the stairs and heard the sound of crying. Tonks hated that sound, Remus wasn’t a man she ever thought could cry so much, but for Rosie it seemed he had endless tears to shed. 

She slowly opened the door to find that Remus was curled around Rosie asleep and her best friend was sobbing heavily.

‘Rosie!’ Tonks exclaimed and rushed over to the bed. ‘Rosie, are you alright?’

‘He won’t wake up.’ Her voice was gone and it took a moment to figure out what she was saying, but Tonks soon moved to the other side of the bed to find the exhausted werewolf sleeping and unable to wake up. 

‘He’s alright,’ Tonks assured Rosie. ‘Rosie, he’s alright, he’s just exhausted. I’ll look after him okay, you just need to try and relax, just breathe Rosie.’

Tonks did her best to calm her, but she wasn’t one hundred percent sure that Remus was okay, he should have woken up, but then he had over exerted himself and at that time of the month it was never a good idea regardless of anything.

‘This is a very grave situation.’ Dumbledore paced in the Lupin’s living room. Tonks and Poppy got Remus onto the sofa and waited for Dumbledore, tending to Rosie in anyway they could, but she just couldn’t stop crying and wailing about how much pain she was in. Nothing they were doing helped her in anyway. ‘Has he taken his wolfsbane?’

‘We don’t know,’ Tonks shook her head. ‘Probably not today at least.’ 

‘Then for everyone’s safety we must get him away from this cottage.’ Dumbledore said, firmly. ‘We’ll take him to the castle for tonight, keep him contained to the forest.’

The school year had yet to start up, it was sitting almost abandoned and Remus would not be a threat to anyone there. Dumbledore made the arrangements, but Rosie was the one who was objecting the most.

‘Rosie, he hasn’t taken his potion,’ Tonks said trying to calm her down. ‘You know how dangerous he is without it.’

‘I need Remus,’ she cried. ‘I need him, please.’

‘Rosie, I’m sorry, we can’t let him stay with you tonight.’ Tonks felt bad for her friend, but this was what was best for her, they couldn’t put her at such risk. 

‘Perhaps you should stay with her tonight.’ Dumbledore suggested, though it didn’t seem like much of a suggestion, more an order. 

Tonks nodded and for the rest of the night she tried to do all the things Remus did for her, she stroked Rosie’s hair, her skin, he told her how much Remus loved her and how he would be back for her soon, but nothing was working quite the way it did when her husband did it. Rosie cried and shook until she ran out of energy and she simply stared up at the ceiling. Tonks played music for her and some albums worked better than others for some reason, but finding the right albums was difficult, Tonks just didn’t know music as well as the Lupins and for the longest time she thought that was okay.

It was a long night and not much had changed. The moon was about as bright as Tonks had ever seen it and she worried for Remus, if he hadn’t taken his potion that day it would be a very hard transformation. It only occurred to her at that moment that it might have been so severe that Remus had no chance of survival. His body had been exhausted, all energy had gone into looking after Rosie, all his focus was on her and he saved nothing for himself, allowing his entire state of being to get weaker and weaker.

Tonks tried to stay strong, she tried to convince herself and Rosie that he would be fine and Remus would come back home safe and sound, that they would get through this and the war would be over in a year.

‘Everyone’s on high alert,’ she said, Rosie was breathing deeply and Tonks had found talking to her was helping her focus. ‘Kingsley has put on more security measures, no one likes it especially, but it’s all to stop Death Eaters infiltrating the ministry like they did last time… it’ll take some time to get used to it, but it won’t be for long. We’re so much more prepared this time, I doubt it’ll even reach a year… you’ll see.’

The sun had begun coming up in the early morning hours and Rosie hadn’t moved much, but the tears still poured from her eyes, she just looked so sad, like she knew something terrible had happened to Remus. Tonks hated to admit her growing doubts that Remus would make it back.

Rosie might not have survived losing both Sirius and Remus, her family wasn’t huge as it was and any loss was a big one. Sirius had spent so much time trying to get Remus and Rosie together, to admit they loved each other and not waste time ignoring their feelings. Losing him was just further proof that no one could afford to waste any time with the ones they loved. 

Poppy came back to the cottage early, but Remus wasn’t with her. 

‘What happened?’ Tonks asked quietly in the living room.

‘He didn’t take his potion,’ Poppy had a grave look about her. ‘We managed to get him to the Shrieking Shack, where he changed when he was a boy, we thought in his… changed form, that he might find it comforting somehow… it just made him weaker. We can’t wake him up.’ 

Tonks felt her heart drop, just as they got Rosie to wake up and start feeling better, Remus began going the other way. She spent the day trying to keep Rosie distracted, trying to convince her that everything would be okay, but Tonks couldn’t even convince herself of that.

Poppy agreed to bring Remus back to the cottage, at the very least they should have been allowed to be together and Tonks had some vague hope that whatever Remus had done to help Rosie, she could provide for him. It was a long shot and Rosie barely even acknowledged that Remus’s unconscious body had been placed next to her.

It was a sorry sight to see two people she loved in so much agony and unable to help each other survive. Tonks sat at the foot of their bed for the remainder of the day, occasionally waking Rosie enough to keep her hydrated, but Remus hadn’t moved since arriving. Tonks didn’t have the stomach to check his heart rate in case she didn’t find one, so instead she just wrapped his body in blankets and hoped that Rosie was enough to wake him up.


	30. In Mourning

Rosaline had never felt agony like it. It was preventing her from moving, from wanting to breathe or even wanting to stay awake, she couldn’t see because it hurt too much to open her eyes, but something was telling her to stay awake, something unidentifiable yet all too familiar.

The music could be heard on occasion but it wasn’t Remus who was playing it, there was something jagged and inconsistent about the albums and it only served to annoy her and the pain would radiate through her entire state of being. If it wasn’t Remus who was playing the music, then where was he? It was all of their albums that played, but the order was all wrong, they were combining Queen with Leonard Cohen and it didn’t make sense to Rosaline. 

Wherever Remus was, he wouldn’t want her to give up, there was still a lot of life to live, that’s what he always used to say, he promised that he would never let her lose her faith in life and there she was, wishing it away like the woman she used to be, not the one she became when she married him. 

Rosaline felt a cool, rigid body next to hers and through some unknown force or will, turned herself to wrap her arms around him. The agony surged through her every blood vessel, muscle and bone and soon her eyes were unable to remain open. Rosaline sank back into her nightmares.

Tonks needed to head back to work, the sun had come up not long before she opened her tired eyes to see Rosie had curled herself around Remus at some point in the night, at least she was conscious enough to know that he needed her and maybe for now, that was enough. 

‘Rosie,’ she whispered and watched her facial expression change a little to indicate she could hear Tonks. ‘I need to head to work for a few hours, Poppy will be around this afternoon so try not to exert yourself before she gets here, okay?’

Rosie didn’t provide Tonks with much hope that she would even leave the bedroom in that time, but she left Rosie in a stable condition and Remus was still sleeping as far as she could tell.

The summer was long and Tonks was being assigned to Hogsmeade as security by the new minister Rufus Scrimgeour, she wasn’t exactly happy being so far from Rosie for such a long time, but Harry needed the protection and as much as Tonks hated to admit it, he was more important. 

She kept updated on the condition of both of her friends and finally a week later it came. Poppy had gone to the cottage to check on the both of them and much like Remus had done, Rosie had managed to get Remus into the bath and used the little energy she had to delicately wash him, but unlike Remus, she rested and let her eyes close for a while when it became too much. 

When Poppy praised her for taking care of herself, she claimed that Remus wouldn’t want her to disregard her own needs to serve his. He would want her to be selfish where her health was concerned. 

It only took another couple of days before finally they were both awake and able to communicate with one another.

Remus had never seen anything quite so beautiful in all his life. The bright green orbs enhanced by those long lashes and delicate freckles were the only thing he ever wanted to see for the rest of his life. His body was so incredibly weak, he wanted to stroke her cheek, but his hand wouldn’t do what he wanted it to. Remus moved his thumb with a lot of effort and found that her slightly rougher hand was already holding his against her chest. 

Remus allowed whatever tears he had to fall from his face and sighed happily as Rosaline brought her body closer to his, he must have been freezing, because her body felt especially warm as she wrapped her arms around his waist and breathed heavily against the top of his chest. 

‘I love you.’ Rosaline whispered. Remus couldn’t tell how long they had lay together, or even what time of day it was, all he really knew was that his wife was telling him that she loved him.

Remus tried to respond, but he couldn’t find his voice or even the energy to hold her tighter. He just had to hope that she could feel it.

It was a long couple of weeks for the Lupins, all they seemed to be able to do was sleep and occasionally feed each other when they couldn’t feed themselves. One of them would be able to lift their hand enough to play music and for a while they embraced the needs of the other with little regard for their own. Poppy did what she could to help them both and finally after what seemed like months, they were able to function properly. 

Rosaline more so than Remus who was still tired most days and in mourning for Sirius. He had yet to approach Rosaline about her father, but while she was adjusting to being back at work and all the new information that was being heaped onto her, he decided it was best left alone.

‘I’m just so glad you’re both alright,’ Tonks said, one Order meeting at the end of September. ‘I tried to visit again before the end of the summer, but things are starting to pick up a bit and it was difficult to get away from it all.’

‘That’s alright.’ Remus shook his head, casually fiddling with his wedding ring. ‘We appreciate you doing what you could… is she coping alright?’

Tonks gave him a sympathetic look. ‘She had a bit of an outburst last week, I don’t know if she told you?’ Remus shook his head, they hadn’t talked much about work or even much of anything that wasn’t simply asking if the other was okay. ‘Dawlish went in to apologise for being a complete arse and from what we could tell she accepted the apology, but when I went to see her later on, she got a bit angry and… let slip who her father is… has she talked to about it?’

Remus inhaled a deep breath and held the bridge of his nose. ‘Not yet,’ he confessed. ‘I was waiting until she’d thought about it a little, tried to figure things out for herself, but… you know how she can be.’

Tonks nodded and smiled sympathetically. 

Remus decided enough was enough, he needed to talk to his wife about what happened.

‘Rosaline, how are you?’ Remus smiled when he heard the front door shutting quietly behind him. He stood up to see her slightly annoyed face as she took her coat off and tried to give him a half smile. ‘That looks like a bad day.’ Remus said and wandered over to kiss her, guiding her into the kitchen where he started making some tea.

‘I hope it’s alright,’ she said sheepishly. ‘I had to bring a little of my work home.’ 

Remus turned to see her taking a couple of sneakoscopes out of her leather bag and began fixing them. 

‘It’s fine,’ Remus sighed. ‘Do you need any help?’

‘Erm… no, it shouldn’t take too long, I just need to get a head start on tomorrow.’ 

Remus believed her and placed a mug of tea next to her, sitting on the opposite side of the table. It was a few minutes watching her work, before Rosaline realised what he was doing and luckily it made her smile.

‘Would you be able to check that it works for me?’ She gave in and let him help. Remus had seen her casting a small charm to check the working order of some items enough times by now, it was an easy enough thing for him to do for her.

‘Rosaline, I wondered if we might talk for a moment?’ Remus started, trying to be careful and not push her. ‘I just think that ignoring what happened will only do more harm than good and I am worried that with what was revealed, you might not be in the right mindset to get through the harder times that are about to come.’

Rosaline didn’t stop working, but he knew she heard him loud and clear, she was just thinking about it for a moment, trying to form her words and Remus would give her all the room she needed. 

‘He’s in Azkaban,’ she said, placing her tools down, but unable to look him in the eyes just yet. ‘It’s where he belongs… he’s not my family, you are and my mother was.’ Rosaline swallowed, biting her lip to stop her tears falling too soon. ‘I can’t be concerned with him when all of my concentration is being used to make sure we survive… I hate this, I hate that I found out this way, but I think I understand why my mother chose to never tell me… I think my mother loved him, that’s why she hated Bellatrix so much, my mum was half blood so she’d never have been allowed to marry him. I got to marry the man I loved, I think that would have been enough for her.’ Rosaline nodded, as if assuring herself that what she was saying was right. 

‘So, you don’t want to talk about him? Or maybe how it’s making you feel? Any negative feelings?’ Remus pushed for just a little more.

‘I don’t really feel anything for him anymore.’ Rosaline said, and Remus believed her, she just seemed tired and ready to focus on work again. ‘I was angry for a while and then… then you needed me and I realised that being angry just wasn’t important, that Rodolphus wasn’t important to me so I shouldn’t be angry.’ 

Remus watched her for a moment or two and finally believed her. They talked a little about Sirius and how she felt desperately sad over losing him, but they both knew that there was no more time to mourn and Sirius would just be happy that they were together and surviving as best they could.


	31. Imminent Arrival

Through Tonks, Rosaline kept up with the goings on at Hogwarts, she did her bit in going to Hogsmeade whenever she was asked to and stayed late on the nights that were looking tough. She passed messages to Tonks from the Order when she couldn’t make a meeting and did her best to spend time with Remus when she could. 

He was still going to the werewolf communities and trying to operate undercover to find out anything he could about Voldemort, but it was a fruitless task at best. 

They’d been invited to the Burrow for Christmas, but Rosaline had been ill for a few days so they only made a quick visit a couple of days before Christmas Day to see Harry and the Weasleys.

‘I wish you could stay a little longer,’ Molly said, putting a hot cup of tea down on the table for Rosaline who was busying herself trying to fix an old clock. ‘You’re looking a little pale as well, are you sure we can’t convince you to stay the night?’

‘We’ll be fine Molly.’ Rosaline gave a quick smile and a glance to Remus, who was looking a little pale himself whilst talking to Arthur and Harry. It was getting close to a full moon and he was already showing signs of agitation. 

‘Alright, well if you’re sure.’ She said and kept busy making something that smelled delicious. ‘Are you feeling better at least? I know you’ve been ill the last few days.’

‘A bit better,’ Rosaline nodded and tried to focus on the mechanics of the clock. ‘But then I’ve been saying that every time and then I wake up feeling just as terrible all over again.’

Rosaline caught Molly freezing out of the corner of her eye, but was unsure what it meant or why she wouldn’t have frozen, so said nothing. Molly soon cleared her throat and began asking a few strange questions, like if Rosaline had been especially tired or sore, or if she’d had any strange cravings.

Before Rosaline could really think or answer, there was a small outburst from the living area by Remus. She stood up and immediately wandered over, checking everything was alright.

Remus looked at her and it was clear he was struggling with his mood swings. Rosaline offered a sympathetic smile which seemed to settle him automatically. Rosaline sat back down and forgot all about Molly’s questioning until they needed to leave for the night. 

‘Thank you for having us.’ Remus said as he helped Rosaline into her coat, not that she needed the help, but she knew he wasn’t in the best mood and it was his way of making up for it. ‘I’m sure we’ll see you again soon.’ 

‘I’ll see you at work, Rosie.’ Arthur gave her a quick hug, but for some reason Rosaline took a moment to let go, she wondered briefly if that was what a fatherly embrace felt like and what had she really missed out on during her childhood. ‘Chin up, it’ll be over before you know it.’ He winked and Rosaline just nodded following Remus out into the fresh night air. 

They apparated back home and immediately Rosaline threw up in the grass outside the cottage. It was the same every time, Remus did his best to comfort her but all he could really do was rub her back softly and make sure her hair was out of the firing range until she felt she could walk into the house on her own.

Rosaline tried to focus on his slow and soothing movements on her back, she remembered Molly’s questions and wondered if maybe she was just exerting herself a little too much. Once she was able to get inside, Remus took her straight to bed to relax and she told him all about the conversation in the kitchen.

‘Well…’ Remus frowned. ‘What do you think?’ Rosaline wasn’t too sure what he meant. ‘It sounds like some reasonable reasons why you might have been ill.’ Remus kissed her forehead and moved a little of the stray hair. 

‘I don’t know.’ Rosaline thought about it. ‘I’ve been tired… I guess a little sore, but I’ve been working hard for the last few months so it was bound to catch up with me.’ She attempted a laugh but she was more concentrated on how warm Remus felt wrapped around her. ‘I’m just fed up of waking up every day wanting to throw up.’

It was hard to ignore him freezing altogether, Rosaline went back and thought about what she said, almost starting to panic before Remus continued dragging his fingers through her hair, relaxing her. 

‘Has it been every morning?’ Remus asked, curiously.

‘Pretty much.’

Remus swallowed and moved so that he could see her. ‘You… you mentioned the other week that… you asked me if I thought you’d put weight on…’ Remus suddenly looked like he was panicking. ‘Have you… have you missed your… this month?’ 

Rosaline’s brain was suddenly on fire. She’d missed her period that month, she put it down to stress, it wasn’t exactly uncommon and even Tonks mentioned something about missing hers, but it suddenly made so much sense. Rosaline was sure she’d put on a couple of pounds over the last couple of weeks without any explanation, she even thought it strange considering how much she was throwing up. 

‘I’m pregnant.’ Rosaline whispered, realising that there was no other explanation.

Remus pulled her body into his and he knew that she could feel his tears streaming into her hair, but she didn’t say anything, she just lay there and eventually they both fell asleep. When he woke, she’d already left for work and it only furthered Remus’s worry. Regardless of the guilt he felt, she needed to take it easy and start thinking about taking better care of herself. They needed to go and visit St Mungo’s, or at least Poppy to see if everything was okay. 

He could understand if she was panicking, but he was scared as well, even more so given his condition and knowing that they couldn’t have a proper conversation about it until after the full moon when he was in a better headspace and able to look after her properly. 

Rosaline often spent the full moon with Tonks, but she would be staying at the cottage during this cycle while Remus went elsewhere to transform. Once it was over, he was hardly surprised to come back home and find that she was panicking more than he anticipated. 

The one thing no one really understood about her was that when she was nervous, or sacred or worried, she was somehow so much more productive. It was a way of distracting her mind from whatever was bothering her. So when Remus arrived home, he was greeted by loud music, stacks of books, some open, some completely discarded and piles of spare parts littering the kitchen table. Rosaline was sitting on the floor trying to piece together some form of dark detector that Remus half recognised.

‘Rosaline.’ He said, startling her slightly. He didn’t say anything else, but simply sat on the floor with her and waited for the inevitable to happen.

He wasn’t sure how long she cried for, but he would stay with her until she was okay again. 

‘We need to think about seeing a Healer,’ he said. ‘The sooner we do, the sooner we’ll know what to expect… I’m so sorry I did this to you.’ Remus allowed his own tears to once again run free.

‘Don’t be sorry.’ Rosaline whispered and looked up at him. ‘Everything is going to be okay, it has to be. The world owes us some good news, doesn’t it?’ 

Remus half laughed and agreed. ‘I suppose you’re right… everything will be okay.’ He repeated and tried with everything he had to believe that it was true.

Rosaline managed to find a time to leave work early and as she promised, she met Remus at St Mungo’s. 

The tests were harder than Remus expected and they took longer as well, but eventually he was allowed to sit with her while they received the news that Rosaline was in fact, pregnant. She was exhausted from the tests and he was exhausted from the war, but soon they were curled up in bed, silent and trying to figure out if they really would be okay. 

Dumbledore didn’t need to be told, he just had a way of knowing and agreed that they both needed to rest more often than the rest of the Order to prepare for the birth of their child who was due to arrive sometime in June.

‘I expect this will be very hard on you both,’ he said after yet another Order meeting where once again it was evident that little progress had been made in any regard. ‘But we must not lose hope that better days lie ahead. Rosie, just remember that your mother died so that you may have this life, you deserve to live happy and you deserve each other.’ 

Remus watched his wife instinctively move her hand towards the locket in the centre of her chest, the constant reminder that she was loved and Remus would never allow her to forget that. He slipped his hand around her slightly thicker waist and kissed the top of her head.

‘Hey.’ Tonks approached them after most others had left, she handed Remus a photograph. ‘Didn’t have the stomach to look at it for a while, but I thought you might want to see it at least.

Rosaline moved next to Remus to get a better look at the photograph. It was the last image of Sirius Black in existence, he was laughing and tears were forming in his eyes. He was incredibly carefree and handsome, his youthful and mischievous nature shone through and Remus felt it was right that he be remembered this way.

Sirius was brave until the very end and no one who mattered would forget it. He was the reason Remus found his own happiness and he was the reason that Rosaline managed to keep her faith for so long. Remus could feel Rosaline getting emotional next to him.

They said their goodbyes to Tonks and everyone and Remus took her home once again.

‘Why him?’ She asked, her back was starting to hurt her, so Remus often opted to sit on the floor next to her on the sofa, keeping her hand flat against his chest while he read. 

‘I don’t know.’ Remus confessed, kissing the palm of her hand. ‘War always seems to choose the ones who don’t deserve to die first… that’s why I am doing everything I can to keep you safe. I can’t lose you as well.’

Remus looked back to see her watery green eyes staring into his. ‘You won’t lose me.’ She half smiled, trying to believe it. ‘I won’t let anything happen to either of us… you deserve life as well.’

Remus leaned up and kissed her gently, feeling her hand curl up into his hair, her ring grazing his scalp and it made him happy for a while. 

‘Will you promise me something?’ Rosaline whispered against his lips.

‘Anything.’ It was an automatic response, it always was when it came to his wife.

‘Promise you’ll never leave,’ Remus could suddenly taste the salt of her tears, a taste he was far too familiar with. ‘Promise you will never be like my father, promise you will always love us.’

It was suddenly clear and more than apparent that this war was feeding into Rosaline's fear more than ever, not only was she scared that her friends would die, or that she was about to give birth to a child who may have been part werewolf, but she was also scared that all her hopes at surviving the war and having a life would come true, and she was woefully unprepared for that possibility. 

‘I will stay with you until the day I die, Rosaline Lupin.’ Remus promised and kissed her with all the passion his heart contained, he took her to bed and he took care of her body in every way she needed and more importantly, wanted.

Remus couldn’t deny he was somehow pleased that Rosaline was taking her well-being more seriously than him and that was saying something. She came to terms quickly that she had a life inside her that needed to be cared for more than she had ever cared for herself. Her stubbornness and fiery temper came in handy when she needed time off to recover and even Kingsley didn’t argue with her when it came to when she would be leaving work. They agreed that the middle of May would give them both enough time to prepare.

Remus had spent the months either on patrol with Tonks, underground with the werewolf communities or redecorating the spare room in the cottage. Molly had given him some advice on what to expect with a new-born and most of the information was very helpful, but it only seeped into Remus’s worry even more when he realised that Rosaline wasn’t giving birth to a normal child. 

Their child had a very good chance at being cursed just like their parents, born either in excruciating pain felt by Rosaline daily, or born with Remus’s lycanthropy. It was the day Molly brought over Ginny’s old crib that Remus finally broke down and vented his worries to her, unable to feel anything that wasn’t utter shame and guilt over what he had done to the woman he loved.

‘Remus, you need to stop worrying about this,’ Molly sat down on the bed next to him, holding him against her in the motherly way that she always did. ‘This baby will be loved by the both of you and whatever happens, cursed or not, no one will be better prepared to take care of its needs.’ Remus tried to calm down. ‘Do you know what you’re having yet?’

Remus shook his head. ‘No, no, we never asked actually,’ he half laughed. ‘Rosaline got so excited and I was so happy to her smile that we completely forgot to ask whether it was a boy or girl.’

He wiped away his tears roughly and took control of his breathing once again. He supposed they were lucky that Rosaline was due mid-June, the full moon wasn’t that close and he would be able to be there for her.

‘Well, that only tells me that you care more about its well-being than anything else,’ Molly smiled. ‘I have no doubts that you will make a wonderful father Remus. Just watch out, first day of Hogwarts comes quicker than you think, so make the most of the time you have, it’ll only be eleven years.’

Molly somehow managed to pull a smile from Remus, she was probably right. Remus thought about all the moments he was so looking forward to, the ones that Rosaline’s parents missed out on, like birthdays, the first day of school, the heartbreaks, the struggles, the joy in his son or daughters eyes when they achieved, watching them become someone who was so much better than their parents. No matter what, this child would have a better life, Remus would ensure it.

Rosaline came home a little out of breath, her beautiful protruding stomach was the first thing Remus kissed when she stepped through the door and took her coat off. He felt her slender hand run through his hair as he whispered ‘I love you’ to his child and soon turned his attention to his wife. ‘I love you too.’ He said and kissed her cold lips.

‘Good day?’ Rosaline asked, half laughing at his display of affection. 

‘Better than most.’ Remus shrugged and guided her over to the sofa, helping her sit comfortably while he made her some tea. ‘Molly dropped off that crib, so you’ll have to decide where you want it, it’s currently sitting near the window on your side of the bed while I’m finishing off the baby’s room.’

Remus turned to see Rosaline trying to stretch her neck and soothe her temples. She was prone to headaches, particularly when she’d been working late. Molly told them that it was perfectly normal to experience things like random muscle aches, headaches, strange cravings and Rosaline had certainly had her fair share.

He picked up a packet of ginger biscuits, previously, Rosaline hadn’t thought anything of them, but for the last few months it was all she wanted to eat. Remus didn’t mind getting them instead of their usual biscuits, he just wanted to keep her happy and as healthy as possible. 

‘I’ll run you a bath later.’ Remus promised as he sat down next to her, putting his arm behind her on the back of the sofa and kissing her temple, helping her soothe the pain. ‘Deep breaths, Rosaline, just try to focus for me.’ He said, feeling her losing a little control. 

Another occurrence during her pregnancy was the new aches and pains were sometimes more difficult to deal with than anything else, she struggled to maintain her focus and concentration, she tried hard, but sometimes the pain was too much and on those occasions, Remus made sure he devoted himself to her every need, whatever it may have been.

‘Will you kiss me?’ She whispered, a small tear falling from the corner of her eye. 

Remus knew what she needed and without hesitation he trailed a line of kisses from her temple to her mouth and gently pressed his lips to her soft rosy ones, he lingered for a while before pressing more firmly, dragging his hands through her hair and allowing himself a moment to indulge. He felt her whole body relax and placed another more delicate kiss to her before pulling away enough to see her. 

‘Better?’ He asked, smiling and kissing her cheeks for good measure.

‘Much.’ She breathed.

Remus sighed into her neck, smelling the jasmine and feeling a moment of content, something neither of them had felt in so long. He eventually managed to get her into the bath and went about washing her the way he loved to, taking extra care over her belly. Rosaline had become a little self conscious of her stretch marks, but Remus lathered them in love and reminded her that he didn’t care about them in the slightest, they only made her more beautiful.

They had an early night, Remus forcing her to eat some more biscuits if nothing else and he took a moment to talk to her about the future, something he was sure she’d only thought so much about.

‘I’ve been working on a few articles,’ Remus said, running his hand beneath her shirt and over her belly. ‘Just a few things that might be of interest to the Daily Prophet and I’ve been working on a book.’

Rosaline turned her head and smiled. ‘What kind of book?’

‘Well,’ Remus swallowed nervously. ‘I thought it would be interesting to document the Order’s part in the wars, I’ve been collecting a few stories from everyone and it’s taking some shape.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ She frowned, still smiling.

‘Because I wasn’t sure it would be good enough,’ Remus shrugged. ‘I thought it would be a bit boring in truth, but it seems to have been quite fruitful in the end and as it turns out, enough for two books.’

‘Really?’ Rosaline’s green eyes widened. ‘Are you going to get them published?’

‘Hopefully, yes.’ Remus brought his hand up to stroke her cheek softly. ‘I’ll have to publish under a different name though, I doubt many would want to hear the musings of a werewolf, but I hardly think it matters who writes it as long as the truth is out there.’

Rosaline frowned, she clearly hated how tainted he was, she didn’t care that he was a werewolf, it didn’t make her love him any less, but the prejudice was still out there and while he was about to become a father, he wouldn’t risk not being able to provide for his family. 

Rosaline turned her head back to look up at the ceiling.

‘Rosaline,’ Remus sighed. ‘You know that I can’t-‘

‘I know.’ She said, but Remus could hear her emotions getting the better of her. ‘Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

‘Things will be different once the war is over, I feel sure of it.’ Remus kissed her cheek, allowing his lips to linger there for a while. ‘Rosaline, I will do everything in my power to make sure my family stays safe, you know that.’

Rosaline didn’t say anything after that, she fell asleep and Remus stayed awake watching her pretty features relax, she breathed heavily and although she was showing signs of exhaustion from work, she still looked as beautiful as ever.


	32. Amara

The birth was as terrifying as Remus expected it to be, she was a week early and scared. They had gone to St Mungo’s before she was due, Remus needed a couple of days rest after the full moon before he felt he could be supportive enough for Rosaline.

She was in so much pain and Remus was scared that this would be too much for her, he did everything he could, he encouraged her to breathe and hold his hand, he helped the healers keep her as calm as they could, but the whole thing was incredibly traumatic for the both of them.

Rosaline was in labour for well over twelve hours before finally they heard the cries of their baby. Rosaline was crying, they were both sweating and they felt awful, but the second the healer handed over their beautiful baby, they forgot about how awful they felt for a while.

‘It’s a girl.’ The healer said and went about cleaning up. 

‘You did it.’ Remus whispered and kissed Rosaline’s damp hair, she was tiring and weak and needed his help to hold their baby girl, but she was smiling. Remus laughed and watched his wife smile though all the pain. ‘I’m so proud of you Rosaline, you did so well.’ He laughed and looked down at their daughter who was still crying.

‘We’ll get her cleaned up and let you rest for a while.’ The healer said, gently taking their baby girl. 

Rosaline panicked for a moment, before Remus calmed her down.

‘It’s okay, she’ll be back,’ he said, kissing her again. ‘She’ll be okay, you just need to rest, Rosaline. Please just rest for a while, you’re exhausted.’ 

‘She’s so beautiful.’ Rosaline said, watching the back of the healer as she left.

‘Just like her mother.’ Remus moved the hair away from Rosaline’s face, it was damp and couldn’t have been comfortable in the slightest, but she seemed glad it was over. ‘Rosaline, get some sleep for me. I’ll make sure she’s okay, please just rest for a while.’

Rosaline finally looked up at Remus, her green eyes were so bloodshot and she was more than exhausted, but she eventually agreed to sleep for a while. Remus couldn’t help himself, as soon as he was sure she was resting, he went to see his daughter. 

Once she was cleaned up, he was allowed to hold her, she was so small and so helpless, completely innocent. The healer had told him that a new-born responds best to skin on skin contact and Remus felt right, holding his daughter’s fragile, tiny figure against his chest, keeping her warm and safe for a few hours while Rosaline rested.

Tonks had raced to the hospital when she heard, Kingsley was right behind her and they were so excited to see the tiny life in Remus’s hands.

‘Does she have a name yet?’ Tonks asked quietly while both Rosaline and their daughter slept.

‘Not yet,’ Remus said, still feeling his face ache from how much he was smiling. ‘I’ve got a few ideas, but I’m waiting for Rosaline to wake up before we decide on anything.’

‘How long has she been asleep for?’ Tonks frowned, carefully adjusting the soft blanket around the baby’s face. 

‘A few hours, but the healers say that normal.’ Remus quickly put to bed any fears that this was like the last time they were in hospital. ‘Though, I fully expect her to stay sleeping for longer than usual. She was exhausted before she got here and with her own condition, I can’t imagine it’s remotely easy on her.’

Tonks gave Remus a strange look, it was almost questioning in nature and he knew exactly what she was thinking about, but he wasn't sure how much he wanted to dwell on it. She had yet to show any signs of lycanthropy or pain, in fact, she was sleeping as soundly as a baby should have slept when tired, so it was really anyone’s guess.

Tonks and Kingsley didn’t ask to hold his daughter, they didn’t want have the chance before Rosaline got some time with her. 

It was a long time before Rosaline finally showed signs of waking up, she was weak and tired, but all she wanted to do was hold her daughter. Remus went over to the small cot next to her bed and carefully lifted the tiny life into his arms. He made sure Rosaline was comfortable before placing their daughter into her arms.

Remus sat next to her on the bed and softly kissed her head while she stared down at the sleeping figure. 

‘We still need a name.’ He said, stroking Rosaline’s hair and helping her hold their child.

Rosaline kept a hold of her tears, but her stuttered breathing wasn’t missed by Remus, he chuckled and kissed her again. 

‘What do you think?’ Rosaline asked, at a complete loss. Remus could see that she might have had one or two ideas and he so desperately wanted her to choose a name for their daughter, he was giving her the name Lupin and it would have been enough for him if Rosaline chose her first name.

‘Well,’ Remus breathed in. ‘We could name her after your mother, or come up with something more original?’

‘Like what?’

‘Oh, I don’t know…’ Remus lied. ‘What kind of name do you think she should have?’

Rosaline thought for a while, frowning as she spoke. ‘My mother’s middle name was Amara, she never liked her first name that much.’

‘Amara.’ Remus tested it, his daughter made a small sound when he did and he couldn’t help but take it as a sign that that was her name.

‘What about… Amara Hope Lupin?’ Rosaline asked, it seemed like a genuine question, but the very mention of his own mother’s name was enough to make him kissed his wife and agree without hesitation.

‘Amara Hope Lupin.’ Remus nodded. ‘That’s our daughter.’ 

They watched Amara sleep for a while, she didn’t do anything else but Remus and Rosaline were entirely captivated by her. 

Rosaline was so tired by the time they were allowed to take Amara home, but the only real pain she felt was in her cheeks from how much she was smiling. She carried Amara, while Remus carried her bag and urged her to get their daughter settled upstairs while he made some tea. 

The first few days were difficult and it took some adjusting, but they were doing their best, every time one of them needed to get up in the night was difficult, Rosaline just took so long to adjust to being awake that Remus would end up going in to see to his daughter’s needs almost every time. 

‘You know something?’ Remus said, placing the sleeping Amara down in her cot. ‘I always vowed I’d never love anyone or anything more than I love you.’ Remus smiled at Rosaline. ‘I was wrong, I love her more than anyone could possibly imagine.’

Rosaline gently bit her lip, she knew what he was talking about and she agreed, as much as she loved Remus, she loved her daughter more in a new, wonderful way. 

Remus quietly wandered over to where Rosaline was leaning against the doorframe, gently prying her lip away from her teeth with his thumb and slowly kissing her, tasting her and making her hum against him. She missed the feeling of him against her, making her feel alive inside.

‘I’m… erm… I’m still not… erm…’ Rosaline struggled to tell Remus what was going on in her head, but he got it loud and clear.

‘You’re still fragile,’ he confirmed. ‘That’s okay, we don’t have to do anything. You did just give birth so I’m not expecting a single thing from you.’ Remus kissed her forehead and she breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Thank you for telling me… and thank you for giving me a daughter.’ Remus held her hips gently against him and Rosaline could feel him watching Amara while he stood with her.

‘Thank you for loving me.’ Rosaline felt the tears in her eyes, but Remus didn’t let her cry them, he softly stroked her cheeks and kissed the top of her head. ‘I’m scared Remus,’ she suddenly admitted. ‘I’m scared that this war is going to go on forever. Tonks said that she didn’t think the war would last a year and yet he we are-‘

‘Rosaline.’ Remus stopped her and gently guided her into their bedroom away from Amara. ‘Just calm down, everything will be alright.’ He brought her to sit on his lap. ‘We’re both very emotional right now and I know how that sounds, but it’s true. I’ve been having the same worries, but we’re parents now and unfortunately that means we will start worrying over things that out of our control. The war will end, we will be fine as long as we focus on keeping our family safe, alright? That’s all you need to worry about right now… at least for another week and then we can start to assess-‘

‘What do you mean another week?’ Rosaline frowned. ‘What’s happening next week?’

Remus looked up at her and sighed. ‘We haven’t talked about it, but we need to… she hasn’t shown any signs of experiencing any pain, which means… there is a good chance that I have passed on my… we just need to ready ourselves.’

Rosaline wasn’t sure what to make of Remus’s statement and so said nothing. The possibility that Amara was a werewolf was drifting further and further from her mind, she just didn’t want to think about her beautiful daughter suffering like her parents in any way. 

‘What do we do if… if she…?’

‘I don’t know if there’s anything we can do,’ Remus’s eyes were filling with tears. ‘I’m so sorry I did this to her.’ 

Rosaline wrapped her arms around her husband and tried to hold him together, but as soon as Rosaline let a few of her own tears go, Amara started crying.

‘I’ll get this one.’ Rosaline whispered and kissed Remus softly. ‘Why don’t you run a bath?’

‘You’re doing wonderfully, dear.’ Molly assured Rosaline. They’d gone over to the Burrow at the end of June to get some baby advice and introduce Amara to what they considered to be family. Tonks had made an appearance not too long afterwards. ‘We were nervous when we had our first, Bill, but we got through it eventually, it just takes a little time to get used to things and just remember that babies are more resilient than you think they are, so don’t panic too much if she gets any small knocks here and there.’ Rosaline wasn’t exactly sure she believed Molly, but then she’d had seven children so maybe she was right. 

‘She’s a beauty alright.’ Arthur cuddled Amara, who let out small noises of amusement. ‘Got some fine genes, Rosie.’ He winked and it only made Rosaline’s cheeks flood with embarrassment, Remus however, had a slightly saddened look. ‘She’s got her mother’s eyes.’ Arthur had a slightly more content look to him, one that only a father could have for a daughter.

‘That she does.’ Remus said, quietly. He was now looking on his daughter with complete adoration. 

‘Congratulations.’ Bill arrived with Fleur and shook Remus’s hand, Fleur giving him her signature kiss on each cheek. Remus was somehow never affected by Fleur’s beauty, not that Rosaline worried at all, but every other man was hypnotised by her on sight. ‘She’s gorgeous.’ 

‘So very beautiful.’ Fleur agreed with her thick French accent. ‘What is her name?’

‘Amara Hope Lupin.’ Remus said rather proudly and the whole Weasley family felt his pride. ‘We, erm…’ Remus looked uncertain at Rosaline, who just nodded feeling her cheeks hurt with her growing smile. ‘We had hoped to ask that Molly, Arthur and Tonks… well, we agreed that we want you to be godparents.’

There was a moment of silence before Molly began crying and saying something completely inaudible, making Amara cry with the pitch. Rosaline took her daughter and tried to calm her down a little.

‘Of course we will.’ Arthur translated his wife’s hysteria with a chuckle. 

Tonks had been quiet up to that point. ‘You want me to be a godmother?’ She asked, unsure if they really were asking.

‘Who else is going to teach her not to take crap from Dawlish?’ Rosaline winked, still rocking Amara who was beginning to settle.

There was a sudden crack in the garden that had them all turning towards it cautiously. 

‘Anyone expecting?’ Arthur said to a silent kitchen.

Everyone had their wands out, aside from Molly who was urging Rosaline to bring Amara somewhere safer, but before they could get very far, Dumbledore appeared in the doorway.

‘I hope I’m not interrupting,’ the aging headmaster said, he looked incredibly tired. ‘I heard the Lupins were visiting.’

Everyone sighed in relief and Rosaline eventually introduced Dumbledore to Amara, like everyone else, he commented on how gorgeous she was. Soon though, more pressing matters sprang to mind. 

‘I am so sorry to ask this of any of you,’ he seemed genuinely sorry. ‘But I must ask that Hogwarts is afforded your protection tonight. I am taking Harry with me to retrieve something of value and I am concerned that tonight will be a good night for an attack.’

‘Who would attack the school at this time?’ Bill asked, Fleur notable worried at what her husband was being asked to do. 

‘That I am uncertain of, but Severus has warned me several times that one may happen soon and it just so happens that tonight will be the perfect opportunity for anyone wishing to infiltrate the school.’ Dumbledore explained vaguely, he gave another warm smile to Amara. ‘She has your eyes Rosie, truly beautiful if you don’t mind my saying so.’ 

Rosaline just smiled, she was thinking about Hogwarts and how it needed her help. 

‘We’ll go.’ Arthur said, giving Molly a quick kiss, Bill doing the same with Fleur. Rosaline handed Amara over to Molly and was about to leave behind Tonks.

‘Rosaline.’ Remus stopped her. ‘You need to stay here with Amara.’

‘What?!’ 

‘If there is an attack, I can’t lose you and Amara especially cannot lose her parents.’ 

‘What about you?! What makes you think I can do this on my own?’

‘I’m not arguing about this!’ Remus was final on the subject and followed Tonks towards the door. ‘I love you, I’ll come as soon as I can.’

Rosaline’s body flooded with a new pain that she hadn’t experienced before, she was so angry that Remus just left and ordered her to stay put when people’s lives could have been in danger.

‘It’s better this way Rosie.’ Molly and Fleur had been trying to comfort her for nearly an hour after they’d left, but it wasn’t working, all she could do was pace and think about how she could have been helping, no, how she should have been helping. 

Rosaline picked up Amara and looked down at her shining green eyes. ‘I love you, Amara, but your dad is an absolute idiot. Unfortunately, he’s our idiot. Stay safe, I’ll be back soon.’ Rosaline kissed her daughter and without listening to anymore of Molly’s cries, she apparated to the school just in time to see the fighting break out.

Remus was battling with a large Death Eater and losing when he heard the all too familiar sounds of a pair of feet sprinting at an impossible pace towards him. Rosaline sent a powerful stunner towards the Death Eater and helped Arthur finish off the one he was fighting.

‘Rosaline!’ Remus shouted, but more Death Eater were running towards Tonks and presumably where Bill was fighting. Rosaline sprinted hard towards them ignoring Remus’s shouting. Before he could do anything else, he was dragged into another duel, one that found much easier to deal with. 

He ran hard towards where Arthur was shouting for his son, something had happened. Greyback was running towards the entrance to the school and Remus froze for a moment, the flashing images of when he was a small boy and Greyback attacked him in his bed shot through his memory. Rosaline sent a few stunners his way as he ran from the school. 

They got Bill to the hospital wing and it was suddenly evident that he’d been attacked by Greyback. Everyone was looking to Madam Pomfrey and Remus for advice, but he honestly wasn’t sure what would happen, he was mostly guessing and other things were taking his attention.

Rosaline had been with Tonks making sure the rest of the school was clear when they arrived through the hospital wing doors. She had a small cut on her cheek and Remus knew it would be killing her. He stood up to help her straight away, but much to his heartbreak, she turned away and sought help from one of the healers. 

‘Rosaline.’ Remus felt the weight of what was coming before she even spoke.

‘Don’t you dare do that to me again.’ She hissed, he’d not heard the venom in her voice for so long, it almost broke him to hear it then. ‘You hear me, Remus? Don’t you dare walk away from me again, not after what you promised.’

‘Rosaline, I’m sorry.’ Remus pleaded with her, trying to calm her down while the healer fixed her cut. ‘But I couldn’t let you come here and get hurt, leaving Amara defenceless.’

‘If I hadn’t have come here, you might have been killed!’ Rosaline shouted, not caring that everyone was watching them. ‘What am I supposed to do then? What is our daughter supposed to then? Because I can’t do this on my own, I need you and now so does she, so you need to think about that before you walk away again!’

Rosaline downed the pain relief that she knew wouldn’t help and strode out of the castle and back to the Burrow. Not long afterwards, Molly and Fleur rushed in to see Bill and soon the news followed that Dumbledore had been murdered. 

Remus was at a loss, how could Dumbledore be gone? He was the one person Remus trusted above everyone else, he was the one who told them how to defeat Voldemort, the one wizard Voldemort feared and now he was gone. The safety of his family was suddenly more important than it had ever felt before. Without Dumbledore around, how was he supposed to fight and protect Rosaline and Amara?

Once everything had calmed down, Molly had told him that Rosaline was on her way home after telling them what happened with Bill. Remus apparated straight home, he was dead on his feet and dragged his tired body through the door and upstairs. 

Rosaline was asleep with Amara cradled next to her and her wand still in her hand. He thought about leaving them, but Rosaline would want to know about Dumbledore as soon as possible and he needed to apologise.

Remus carefully woke his wife and tried not to disturb Amara as he brought her into the hallway to tell her of Dumbledore’s passing. As much as he hadn’t wanted to wake his daughter, Rosaline’s crying woke her up regardless. Remus picked up his daughter and tried to soothe her, rubbing her back and rocking her back to sleep. He then went and sat on the floor with Rosaline and tried to do the same thing with her.

‘Rosaline, I’m so sorry.’ Remus felt his own tears get the better of him. He was so sick and tired of crying all the time. ‘You were right, I can’t just leave you like that, I can’t leave Amara like that… I promised I’d never leave or break a promise to you again and I meant it, but now I realise what it means and I’m going to do better.’ 

Rosaline sniffed against his chest and he could feel the old rigidity seeping into her joints and muscles, it was like holding that eighteen-year-old student he’d first met, not like the woman he’d fallen for and married. 

They stayed on the floor mourning for a while until they were both tired and went to bed, knowing full well that one of them would have to get up to deal with Amara’s crying during the night.


	33. Sky Battle

The funeral was about as terrible as Rosaline thought it would be, the burial was exactly what Dumbledore would have wanted and complied with all of his wishes, but it was still a funeral and everyone was incredibly heartbroken and sad. There were a lot of people there that Rosaline didn’t recognise, but they were all just as sad as each other at Dumbledore’s passing and so there was a mutual mourning that they all descended into.

Rosaline held Remus’s hand and made sure he was okay, she couldn’t imagine what he was going through with all the history between himself and the headmaster, but she did what she could to be a friend for him. 

Rosaline couldn’t help but think about what would happen now that Dumbledore was gone, people were about to start retreating and Voldemort would gain power the same way he did during the first war. The ministry may well be infiltrated and Rosaline felt it was never more important that she make it back to work to help where she could.

‘I hate to say it, but I feel the same way.’ Remus sighed, she could see that Remus really didn’t want to admit it, they sat on the old rock from when they were at school and it was incredibly nostalgic. ‘Amara and I will be safe enough, especially if we make visits to the Burrow. The more of us who stick together, the safer we will be.’

Rosaline breathed in the old Hogwarts air and thought about what state the ministry was in. She was about to be thrown into a new world of war, one she was scared she wouldn’t survive.

The plan to retrieve Harry was slightly more elaborate since Mad-Eye spoke about the trace, Remus was sure that this would be much harder than any of them would realise, the only saving grace was that no one could know he was being moved that night and they couldn’t know that there would be six decoys. It would work and Harry would be safe.

Rosaline had been coming home more and more ragged and exhaustion was getting the better of her, Remus knew that the ministry was suffering, possibly being infiltrated by Death Eaters, but without proof, it was difficult to do anything about it and it wasn’t like they could just stroll up to someone and accuse them of being a spy. Everyone was starting to suspect each other and there was only handful of people they could place their trust in.

Remus and Rosaline had begun writing letters to each other again, mostly detailing what Amara had done that day, or sometimes it would just be a few words here and there about how much they loved each other, but it was important that they keep up with each other.

Amara was left at the Burrow on the night they collected Harry from Privet Drive. Tonks and Rosaline would be arriving before Remus so that he could make sure Amara was safe with Molly and Ginny. He said his goodbyes to his daughter, kissing her soft head and taking in the uncomfortable sounds she was making. ‘I love you, my darling daughter.’ He whispered and handed her over to Molly, those beautiful green eyes, almost begging him not to leave.

‘She’ll be alright Remus,’ Molly said, assuming her role of godmother straight away. ‘Just you get yourself back safely and everything will be fine, won’t it little one? Your mummy and daddy will be back safe and sound before you know it.’ 

Remus nodded, preparing himself to leave, but with one last look at his daughter, he couldn’t help himself. He strode back to Molly and placed another kiss to her soft skin, whispering again how much he loved her, before turning and leaving before he could have another thought.

Remus soon arrived at Privet Drive and did his best to subtly make it into the house, being aware of Mad-Eye’s enchantments on several other houses. He greeted everyone in turn, noting Tonks and his wife talking quietly in the corner while Harry argued about some of the others taking the Polyjuice Potion to be decoys.

‘Told you he’d take it well.’ Hermione said.

Remus had also anticipated Harry’s response, but everyone had agreed it was the safest way to transport him.

‘There you are,’ George turned to Remus. ‘Thought I’d have to head back on my own and we all know how that might have ended.’ 

Remus gave a twitch of a smile, but he couldn’t bring himself to appreciate the joke, he was still trying to focus his thoughts on the task at hand and not on his helpless daughter back at the Burrow. 

‘So, is everyone clear on the plan?’ Once everyone had changed into Harry, Mad-Eye addressed the room. ‘Carter, you’ll head up first, make sure nothing’s hiding behind the clouds-‘

‘Wait, what?’ Remus suddenly interrupted. ‘I thought you were taking Ron?’

‘Change of plan, Remus,’ Mad-Eye was annoyed with the interruption. ‘Tonks will take Ron, Rosie will be the spare hand to make sure we all get away to our respective safe houses and ensure the real Harry will not be tailed by any stray Death Eaters should we encounter them.’

Remus felt his heart sink, if Rosaline was going alone, there was a greater chance that anyone intercepting them would not hesitate to kill her if she stopped them chasing one of the decoys.

‘When was this decided?’ Remus interrupted Mad-Eye again, not taking his eye off Rosaline who was looking guiltily at the floor. 

‘Just before you arrived, if you and your wife have issues with this plan, speak now.’ He growled. 

Remus stayed silent, but it didn’t stop him being upset or angry. 

‘I didn’t volunteer,’ she said quietly. ‘Mad-Eye asked me in a reasonable manner and I said yes. Tonks is the better guardian for Ron and this way there is a greater chance that Amara will not lose both her parents tonight… this is the right thing to do and I will do it to the best of my ability.’ 

The entire room was thick with silence, waiting for Remus to react, but he didn’t know what to do. Remus swallowed down his fear and took a breath. ‘Amara was being put to sleep when I left, she’ll be in Molly and Arthur’s room with a silencing charm around it, I’m sure Rosaline would agree that keeping the noise to a minimum when up there would be appreciated.’

Remus knew it was a strange thing to mention, but he wanted Rosaline’s thoughts to be of her daughter, that way, she might have worked harder to make it back to her. 

‘We’ll do our best, Remus.’ Arthur nodded and they began getting ready to leave Privet Drive. 

On the way out of the house, while Rosaline was getting ready, breathing nervously and making sure her coat was on properly so as not to get in her way while she was flying, Remus decided he wasn’t going to let her go up there without something to bring her back down. He strode over to his wife, slid his hands up into her soft, jasmine hair and kissed her with everything he could muster, not letting go or stopping until he felt her relax. She tasted so good and Remus committed everything about her to memory. 

‘Make it back safe, please.’ He whispered, feeling her hot cheeks beneath his thumbs and listening to the tutting of Mad-Eye who was complaining that they were falling behind schedule. ‘Rosaline, I love you and I can’t raise our daughter alone, we both need you to make it back.’

‘I love you, Remus.’ She whispered against his lips. ‘Please don’t ever forget how grateful I am that you saved my life.’ Rosaline leaned up and pressed a much firmer kiss to Remus than he was expecting, before pulling forcing herself away, mounting her broom and shooting off into the sky. 

‘Rosaline.’ Remus breathed, hoping with everything in his heart, that that wasn’t the last time he saw his wife. 

No one could have predicted the Death Eaters waiting for them in such great numbers. Remus did what he could, with George beside him blocking any spells he could, however when Snape shot a curse in the direction of a Death Eater trying to kill Remus, it was hard to get George out of the way in time and he got hit fairly badly in the side of the head.

Remus didn’t see Rosaline the entire time he was battling Death Eaters, he tried not to worry too much and focussed on getting George to the safehouse and then back to the Burrow where his daughter was. Remus broke through the line, holding onto George who was slipping in and out of consciousness, it was all of his strength just to keep him on his broom, but finally they arrived at the safehouse and caught the portkey back to the Burrow just in time.

Molly did her best with George, but his ear couldn’t grow back with it being cursed off, Remus was sure she was just glad he was alive. Harry made it back safely with Hagrid and soon the others began arriving, Remus checking that each one was in fact who they appeared to be, they’d been betrayed, someone gave away the plan that Harry was being moved that night.

Remus was beginning to get worried, Rosaline should have made it back. It was at least an hour after Bill had come back and told everyone that Mad-Eye was gone, the Weasley’s were gathered around George on the sofa and everyone was quiet. Remus cleaned his hands and went up to see his sleeping daughter, she was undisturbed by the arrival of the Order and Remus dared not wake her unnecessarily. 

He waited for another hour outside the Burrow before finally Arthur pointed to something moving in the distance. Bill, Remus, Tonks and Arthur all drew their wands and waited for a moment. 

Suddenly Rosaline appeared dragging what looked like Mad-Eye’s body, she was struggling badly and the second Tonks approached her, Rosaline raised her wand with a fury in her eyes that Remus had seen rarely. Her face had cuts and bruises covering it and she was clearly exhausted. 

‘Rosie.’ Tonks pleaded, but she didn’t lower her wand.

‘Rosaline.’ Remus breathed, her green eyes softened for a moment as her gaze shifted. Remus could see that there was a focus in her eyes, she’d obviously dragged Mad-Eye’s body over a considerable distance, but it didn’t look quite in tact, in fact it looked like she’d put up a struggle just getting it out of there. Remus stepped towards her, curling his hands around hers slowly and gently. ‘It’s okay, you can stop now.’ Remus felt her wand hand start to relax.

‘I… tried, but…’ Rosaline’s eyes filled quickly with tears and they fell quicker than he’d ever seen them before. ‘I couldn’t leave him there.’

‘I know, I know.’ Remus gently slid his hand across her jaw and up into her blood-soaked hair. He held her while she cried and kept her body steady against his, she was so weak, how long had she fought for. ‘It’s okay.’ He whispered, putting his hand up to stop Arthur from coming any closer, he was unsure of if what really Rosaline, but Remus knew and that should have been enough. ‘It’s alright, Rosaline. Will you let me take care of you? Just let me take care of you, you’re exhausted.’ 

He eventually managed to carry Rosaline into the Burrow, leaving Arthur, Bill and Tonks to assess Mad-Eye’s mangled body. Molly led them straight up to the bathroom where Remus was able to get Rosaline into the shower and wash away any dry blood or filth. Remus held her against his chest and carefully washed her hair, slowly dragging his hands through it and prying away any knots, massaging her scalp and the muscles in her neck, she was shaking so much against him.

‘Whatever happened up there,’ he whispered, guiding her back to rinse her hair. ‘It’s over now, you need to focus on our daughter, we need to focus on our family and keeping her safe.’ Remus ran his hand over her shaking body, trying to avoid any cuts or bruises that made her flinch. ‘You’re okay, Rosaline, everything will be okay.’ He turned off the shower and kissed her wet hair. ‘Come on, we need to check on Amara, I’m sure she will have woken up by now, you know how she can be.’

Rosaline took a while, but she eventually came around. Amara was crying again and while Remus sat, holding his daughter in his arms, Rosaline filled in the blanks. She had shot up into the sky and the fight broke out immediately, but the time Remus made it up there, she had already taken down three Death Eaters alone, when help came she did her part in clearing a path for Harry an Hagrid, even going to lengths to protect Mad-Eye and Kingsley, making them think they had the real one.

She stayed fighting until everyone was clear and soon descended in the sky to find Mad-Eye’s body, which was being desecrated by some surviving Death Eaters, she did everything she could, using her speed and agility to get to him and apparate away, but it was too late, they’d taken his eye and leg and anything else that was artificial and left very little of his remains.

Rosaline had to have dragged his body back for over a mile, no wonder she was exhausted. Molly tended to her cuts and mended any cracked bones that Remus missed, she was resting with a cup of tea and nibbling on a little chocolate. The colour was starting to come back in her cheeks, Remus made sure that he held her hand when it looked like she was struggling, he made sure she breathed and relaxed her body. 

Eventually they went to bed, Molly had Charlie’s old room ready for them and for a while Remus let Rosaline sleep with Amara on her chest, but soon their daughter was getting restless and Remus took her downstairs to be fed. 

‘Oh Remus, is she alright?’ Molly stood up from the kitchen table, Arthur just looked on curiously. 

‘Someone’s a little hungry,’ Remus cradled Amara and tried to keep her quiet, but she was probably starving by now. ‘Didn't want to wake your mother, did we?’ 

‘Here, let me.’ Molly insisted, helping Remus ease the crying baby into her arms. ‘We’ll get you something to eat. Have a seat Remus, you must be tired.’

Remus sat and watched Molly take care of his infant daughter. He could feel Arthur watching him out of the corner of his eye. ‘She’s hardly a month old,’ Remus sighed. ‘What kind of world are we bringing her into?’

Arthur inhaled deeply and shook his head. ‘Well, we can only hope this is all over before she can remember it. I’m afraid that’s the best we can do for her now.’

Remus let his eyes close as his head hung low, Molly was right, he was exhausted. He listened to the soothing sounds of Amara feeding and tried to focus on a better life for her, he tried to think about her first Christmas around the corner, her first birthday, her first words, her first few steps and her first day at Hogwarts. He decided it long before she was born, he wouldn’t miss taking her to the platform for any reason, even if there was a full moon that night or the one before, he wouldn’t miss it.

‘I have to say,’ Arthur quietly interrupted his thoughts. ‘Rosie cleared a huge path for us, took out more Death Eaters than us all put together and the fact that she retrieved Mad-Eye’s body is a testament to her ability, you should be very proud Remus.’

But Remus wasn’t proud. ‘You know, the first time I met Rosaline, when she was in school… she told me she hated duelling, point blank refused to take part, I didn’t think much of it at the time, thought that maybe she just wasn’t particularly good or that she thought she wouldn’t have to use the skill at any point… but it became obvious that the reason she didn’t like it was because of her mother.’ Remus looked over at his settled daughter. ‘I had no idea she learnt so much from that encounter.’ 

There was a heavy silence that fell over the kitchen, the only sound were of Amara and for a while that was just fine.

‘You’re doing well Remus.’ Molly whispered. ‘You’re putting far too much pressure on yourself to be a good husband and a good father, but trust us, you’re doing so well all things considered.’

Remus sighed and nodded.

‘Why don’t you head up to bed?’ She said, still rocking Amara. ‘Take the night off, we’ll look after Amara tonight, you take care of Rosie.’

‘I couldn’t ask you-‘

‘Remus.’ Arthur stopped him. ‘You’re not asking. We’d be happy to do this for you.’

Remus hesitated, but it didn’t seem like either Weasley was going to back down and Remus was admittedly exhausted as well, so he just headed up to bed, curling himself around his wife and finally getting some rest. 

Rosaline and Remus stayed at the Burrow for one more night, still recovering from the sky battle and Mad-Eye’s death, but the first full moon was approaching and Remus was getting progressively more worried. 

‘It’ll be fine,’ Rosaline said, Remus was pacing the kitchen. Amara had slept for most of the day, much like Remus was prone to doing close to the full moon and they both had fears for what that meant. ‘I’ll be with her the whole night, she’ll be okay Remus, you just need to take care of yourself for a while.’ Rosaline pleaded. ‘Please, just… just be selfish for me.’

Remus began laughing, it was a sickening, harsh laugh though, nothing like the one Rosaline was used to hearing when he was happy. Remus turned to see his wife and shook his head.

‘I was selfish, look what happened because I was selfish… I really thought that I could have a normal life with you, but I was so wrong and now my daughter will suffer for the rest of her life because I was selfish.’

‘That’s not fair, you can’t say that.’

‘Why not? It’s true, if I had just…’

‘Don’t say it.’ Rosaline’s eyes were filling with tears, she knew exactly what Remus was about to say. 

‘Rosaline, you can’t deny that if I had stayed away, you would have had a better life.’

‘No, I wouldn’t.’ She said bluntly. ‘I would’ve killed myself before I reached twenty and you know that.’ She hated the whip of pain that flashed across his face, but Remus needed to hear it. Rosaline rolled up her sleeves and showed Remus him her scarred forearms. ‘Look at them,’ she demanded. ‘How many do you see that are recent?’ Remus refused to answer. ‘Remus, I thought about ending my life every day before I met you. Every. Single. Day. You saved my life, you made me happy for the first time and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. If you had stayed away, if you had left me and never come back… I was already descending again before this war started, before Voldemort returned I was already thinking about apparating away somewhere cold, taking a knife and-‘

‘Stop.’ Remus commanded quietly. ‘I can’t listen to that.’

‘And I can’t listen to you saying you think I would have had a better life without you, it hurts me just the same.’ Rosaline rolled her sleeves back down and took a breath. ‘You gave me hope, you gave me a husband, you gave me a daughter… Remus, you gave me love… I never thought I would be so lucky in all my life.’

Remus looked up at his wife and sighed, pulling her gently against him. ‘I’m sorry.’ He whispered into her hair. ‘I’m sorry, Rosaline, I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s okay.’ Rosaline held her husband tighter, trying to hold him together. ‘It’s okay, I know this is hard for you, especially now… but the world owes us one good thing and Amara is it. I can feel it, she’s going to be fine.’

Rosaline was sure Remus didn’t believe her, in fact, she was sure he was denying it in his head while she spoke, but she kept saying it anyway, they would be fine.


	34. Her First Christmas

Rosaline noted how tired Amara was the day of the full moon, Remus had already gone to transform somewhere he wouldn’t be a threat to anyone. Rosaline didn’t leave her daughter’s bedside, she stayed up all night, just watching Amara breathing heavily, but showing no signs of changing into a werewolf, she really was okay.

The sun began coming up and Rosaline was happy that her daughter slept soundly, she was still tired, but they could deal with tired just fine. 

Remus was frantic when he got back, Rosaline wasn’t expecting him for hours, but as soon as the sun was up, she heard the sounds of her front door closing and her tired husband clattering around. The noise, however, didn’t seem to affect Amara in the slightest. Rosaline rushed out to find Remus, pale and ragged clambering up the stairs to see his daughter.

‘Remus.’ Rosaline caught him just as he was about to fall. 

‘Is she alright?’ He demanded. ‘Did Amara…? Is she…?’ Remus suddenly burst into tears and sat on the top step of the stairs, sobbing his heart out.

‘Remus, she’s okay.’ Rosaline held Remus against her chest, keeping him secure against her. ‘She slept soundly all night, in fact, she’s still sleeping. Amara is fine, she isn’t like you, I promise.’

Remus still couldn’t stop crying and Rosaline just held him and kissed his head before having an idea.

‘Why don’t you sit with her for a while and I’ll run you a bath?’ 

Rosaline didn’t wait for an answer, she took Remus through to sit with Amara while she slept and he ended up dozing on and off next to her cot. He was just so weak and tired from the transformation, Rosaline smiled sympathetically at the sight before helping Remus out of his old baggy clothes and into the warmth of the bath.

She let him sit in the water for a while, getting some honey chocolate from the kitchen for him to eat while she washed his body with all the care in the world. Remus again began dozing every few minutes, Rosaline didn’t mind, she just kept gently pouring warm water over his chest and anywhere that looked especially sore. He sometimes sighed a content sigh, making her smile and stroke his slightly scruffy cheek.

‘You’re so handsome Remus.’ Rosaline whispered, kissing the side of his mouth. 

‘Rosaline.’ He breathed.

‘I’m right here,’ she whispered again. ‘I’m not going anywhere, my love.’

Remus breathed a sigh of relief, before almost completely falling asleep. Rosaline got him out of the bath, dried and into bed. Both he and Amara slept for nearly the whole day.

Remus had spoken with Rosaline about what happened during the full moon and while they both agreed that Amara probably hadn’t inherited his Lycanthropy, she probably inherited something of his condition, the chances were she would grow up to have wolf-like tendencies, much like Bill since being attacked by Greyback.

‘We’ll have to sit down with her at some point when she’s older and talk to her about it.’ Remus said, adjusting his bow tie. They were getting ready to go to the wedding, Rosaline had been working that day, so they could really only make the reception, but Remus made sure to drop Amara off with his father so that they could relax for one night and not have to worry about anything important. ‘I’m sure she’ll have questions, so we’ll have to think about how best to explain the condition.’

Remus turned around to see Rosaline nodding, she causally adjusted her hair in the same mirror Remus had been using, but he was at a complete loss. She was beautiful. Her dark blue dress complimented her figure well and the small amount of makeup she wore only furthered the beauty of her features. 

‘I suppose she should be made aware early on,’ Rosaline agreed. ‘But I think you should be the one to tell her, I just think that because you’re the one who has the condition, you’ll be in a better position to manage any issues she might have… what?’ She looked up at Remus with those bright green eyes and for the first time in a long time Remus could see the wonderful woman he married. 

Remus didn’t say anything, he just slid his hands around her waist and kissed her softly. He felt her hands drift up his chest as she moaned into his movements. ‘When’s the last time I got to hold you like this?’ He asked and kissed her jaw, moving down to her neck and listening to those familiar sounds of approval.

‘I don’t know,’ she sighed. ‘But I’ve missed it.’ 

Remus inhaled that jasmine smell he adored so much and dragged his teeth over her earlobe prompting another deep groan. 

‘Well, we’ve got the whole place to ourselves for one night,’ Remus said cheekily. ‘Maybe I could hold you all night long, remind you of what you’ve been missing.’ 

Rosaline began laughing and it was so wonderful to hear that sound again, he hadn’t had the chance with everything that had been happening of late, but he missed it so much.

They eventually went to the reception and for the first time in so long, Remus actually enjoyed himself, he had his beautiful wife on his arm, his daughter was safely with her grandfather and there was cause for celebration with Bill and Fleur finally marrying. 

Remus asked Rosaline to dance with him, she was nervous at first, but soon he held her in his arms and slowly they danced together. He kissed her the soft skin on her forehead and whispered how beautiful she was and how much he missed her. He told her how much he was looking forward to their life together, to being a family with her and how much he couldn’t wait for Amara’s first Christmas, he’d already been thinking about the small things he was looking forward to and Rosaline just smiled up at him and agreed that she was excited as well.

‘I can’t wait to take her to get the train for the first time.’ Remus said, his hand firmly on Rosaline’s lower back, he risked it a few times in drifting lower, something he was glad made her cheeks flush that gorgeous shade of red. He held her other hand close to his chest and occasionally brought it up to kiss her palm. ‘I’m so looking forward to that first letter from her.’ 

‘What house do you think she’ll be in?’ Rosaline asked, pondering the moment herself.

‘Well, Gryffindor is a good call, maybe Hufflepuff?’

‘I suppose Ravenclaw would make sense as well, you’re pretty smart.’

‘Well thank you,’ Remus felt his own cheeks heating up with the compliment. ‘You’re far more intelligent than me though, so Ravenclaw would probably suit just the same.’

Rosaline bit her lip and looked up at him. ‘I’m not going to be disappointed if she’s in Slytherin.’

‘Nor am I, your mother turned out to be a fine witch, a very courageous and cunning woman, it wasn’t remotely a bad thing.’ Remus agreed and softly kissed Rosaline. 

They danced for a little longer before sitting with Tonks and talking about how wonderful it was that Bill and Fleur got to do this after everything that happened. It was soon after that Kingsley’s patronus arrived and warned them that Voldemort had taken over the ministry. Rufus Scrimgeour was dead. 

Chaos began and everyone began fleeing the wedding, Rosaline and Remus did their part in helping people get away and safely back to their own families and homes before apparating to Lyall’s cottage and spending the night there with their daughter.

The next few months were hard, Harry had disappeared with Ron and Hermione and everyone was being questioned about it. Rosaline wasn’t’ stupid, she knew that Umbridge was trying get rid of her from the Aurors department, she was unafraid of admitting that she married a werewolf, she didn’t mention her daughter though, she wasn't exactly sure if Umbridge knew about Amara, but it wasn’t worth the risk.

Kingsley warned Rosaline that while he was fighting to keep her place within the department, she would do well not antagonise Umbridge any further. With the ministry under Voldemort’s control, he needed all the allies in the department that he could get. So, Rosaline stayed quiet, she said nothing when Yaxley came around and talked rubbish about half breeds, she just turned her music up and focussed intently on the task in front of her. 

The one thing that got to Rosaline more than anything was the memory of Bellatrix saying she remembered Yaxley talking about killing her mother. The memory never went away and every night she would go home to Remus and she would cry, she would vent her anger, sob into his chest about how unfair it was and she would prepare herself to do it all over again the next day. 

Remus had done all he could to help her get through, but even he was finding it tough to find reasons for her to do nothing.

Finally some good news came a month later when Rosaline heard Harry had infiltrated the ministry, he’d freed the muggle-borns who had been taken falsely into custody and Rosaline and Tonks subtly helped them escape. Yaxley wasn’t fooled by their supposed failings at securing the ‘prisoners’ but he couldn’t prove to anyone that they had a hand in helping.

Remus was glad to hear that Harry was still alive, but worried about Rosaline’s hand in helping him escape.

‘You could easily have been caught,’ he implored. ‘You need to be more careful.’

‘I know.’ Rosaline said, but didn’t argue. She knew it was a risky move, but they both knew that she wasn’t going to stand by and do nothing. 

Rosaline found a routine in coming home to Remus playing music on the record player, he would make tea and she would catch up with her daughter, they would spend the night talking about the new music that they were listening to, a little about any important news regarding the war, but mostly they talked about the future and the things they wanted to do. 

Remus was still working on his books, he was still working on getting them right, after having a little luck in publishing a few generic articles in some indie magazines, he felt he was at least getting closer to his goal of being able to properly provide for his family and Rosaline was so proud of him for achieving something he’d wanted for so long.

Truthfully, Rosaline wasn’t that bothered about Remus being able to provide as she was on a salary that was good enough for the both of them for a while, but she knew that all he ever wanted to do was make sure he contributed something for his daughter’s future and to see him achieving that was wonderful. 

They didn’t find too much time for each other, but when they did, Rosaline felt so loved and so filled with life that she thought she might have burst. Remus showed her how much he loved her on those nights and Rosaline tried as hard as she could show him the same. 

Tonks couldn’t stand watching her friends suffer so much, especially when Rosie would tell her how Remus’s efforts were fully focused on protecting their home from any surprise attacks, he’d been putting charms and enchantments everywhere they went just in case. She could see how much Yaxley was getting to Rosie, having shared the memory of her mother’s death and the things Bellatrix has said, she was convinced that Yaxley was trying to get a rise out of her. 

Tonks did what she could to win those small victories over Yaxley, feeling like Rosie would appreciate it considering she couldn’t make a single move against anyone without it being recorded and taken further. Tonks did what she could, but things just seemed to be getting worse regardless of anything they did. 

It was close to Christmas when word came that there had been a break in at Gringotts, the Aurors had been quick on the scene and dealt with it as best they could, no one really wanting to catch Harry or stop him in any way. It was their lack of progress that had Yaxley storming down to the Aurors department, giving them a harsh talk that had both Tonks and Rosie rolling their eyes, something about stern discipline, but what they hadn’t counted on was Yaxley’s reaction to finding out about Rosie’s daughter.

‘I should be careful if I were you,’ Yaxley towered over her, she remained silent and Tonks watched her retreat into her internal mantra to calm herself down. ‘It won’t be long before it will be made illegal to breed with half-breeds, that means your filthy half-breed daughter will be taken and disposed-‘

Yaxley didn’t finish his sentence before Rosie reacted, everyone in the office knew that insult Rosie’s family was the worst idea you could have, many of them finding that out the hard way. Unfortunately the stunner that burst from her wand was only enough to antagonise Yaxley further. 

He yelled and shouted about her being fired, but Rosie was already packing up her office and breathing more deeply than Tonks had ever seen her breathe before.

‘Get her out of here Kingsley!’ Yaxley hissed, still trying to recover from the stunner.

‘I think it’s best if you leave,’ Kingsley’s booming voice penetrated Yaxley’s confidence and for the first time he looked scared. ‘Wouldn’t want to be around for another outburst, consider this a friendly warning, she won’t give you another chance.’ 

Yaxley thought about it for a moment, before straightening up, tidying himself up and eventually leaving the office. Rosie just breathed through her packing, sending all of her albums into a case and putting her tools into a box. 

‘Rosie…’ Tonks didn’t actually know how to end the statement, she was just sad that her friend was no longer going to be around. 

Rosie hugged her before she left, saying her goodbyes to Kingsley and soon the repair office was empty, no more music played, not more tools could be heard scraping against material and there was no one to bring a cup of tea too. Rosie was gone.

Remus wasn’t expecting Rosaline home so early, he’d been sitting by the warm fire with Amara in his arms while soft music played and he read her stories from an old book he’d found. There wasn’t much more he could do with his days, he could only work to protect his family while Rosaline worked and kept up with what was going on at the ministry. 

So when she came home a couple of hours earlier, of course, Remus was worried, had something happened?

‘Rosaline?’ Remus frowned, carefully putting the old book down and taking Amara upstairs. He immediately put up a silencing charm to keep the noise down for his daughter. Rosaline was clearly very angry and upset about something because he could hear her crying in the kitchen. ‘Rosaline, what happened?’ Remus was on the floor with his wife immediately, holding her and trying to make her feel like whatever it was, wasn’t as bad as she might have thought.

‘I hate him, I hate him so much.’ She sobbed, Remus gently wiped away her tears, he kissed her soft brown hair and didn’t need to ask who she was talking about. 

Remus sat with her for as long as it took for her to calm down somewhat. Remus dragged his fingers through her hair, he stroked her cheeks, wiping away the tears and encouraged her to breathe knowing how much she struggled with pain when she was upset.

‘Nick Cave.’ She whispered and Remus looked down at her bloodshot green eyes. ‘I haven’t heard this one for so long.’ Remus smiled realising she was referring to the album that he’d been playing for Amara.

‘I thought it would be good to start her musical education early,’ Remus half laughed. ‘That, and it’s the only thing I’ve found so far that sends her to sleep.’

‘From Her To Eternity.’ Rosaline whispered and finally a small smile appeared on her face. She snuggled closer to Remus’s chest and for a while longer they just sat with each other thinking on their daughter.

Eventually Rosaline went upstairs to see Amara and spend some quality time with her daughter, she took a bath with her and Remus watched them for a while, changing the music to suit the mood and kissed the two women who meant more to him than anything. 

Remus had no idea what they would do, without Rosaline’s job at the ministry, they would struggle, he had marginal luck in getting his articles published and no one was interested in hearing about The First Great War. For the time being, life was a struggle.

They spent Christmas at the Burrow with Molly and Arthur who loved seeing them, Tonks had come along and gave them updates on what was happening, but nothing seemed to have gotten better. The ministry were still imprisoning Muggle-borns and they were even arresting some squibs, all on Yaxley’s orders. It only made Rosaline angry and Tonks eventually steered the conversation away from the department and onto Amara who was enjoying her first Christmas.

‘She’s got Rosie’s eyes,’ Tonks said, looking down at her crib as Remus was putting her to bed. ‘I know everyone says that, but I just can’t believe how like her she looks, she’s going to get all the guys when she grows up.’

‘Well, hopefully that’s a long way away yet.’ Remus said, not wanting to think of his daughter that way.

‘Oh come off it Remus, don’t tell me you’re going to be one of those dads that doesn’t let his daughter have any fun?’ Remus just gave Tonks a guilty look. ‘Well, as per my godmotherly duties, I will see that she has more fun than you could possibly scold her for.’

‘This is making me very uncomfortable.’ Remus said, giving Amara a quick kiss before gesturing for them to leave her in peace. Tonks just giggled and they made their way back downstairs. 

Rosaline was tired, listening to a story from Arthur about some daft thing that happened to him at work, she was wrapped up in her thick cream jumper with a Firewhiskey in her hand, she’d not been drinking much since having Amara, but they figured one at Christmas couldn’t do any harm. Remus sat behind her, pulling back against his chest and wrapped his arms around her waist, keeping her warm and safe. He placed a kiss against her soft hair and listened to the rest of Arthur’s story. 

Remus thought a lot about how far they’d come over the last few years, from the moment they met and she was the quiet young woman, afraid of feeling anything, to the beautiful, strong mother of his child. Rosaline was everything right with world, she was someone who’d seen the very worst in life and not much good, but she was willing to fight so hard for those moments of happiness no matter how rare they were. 

He remembered Valentine’s Day when he asked her to marry him, he didn’t know what the future held and he didn’t know that marrying her would only cause him to fall for her that much more deeply than he’d ever fallen before. Remus realised he was gently kissing her head, not quite realising the control he needed to resist her, but he found himself not wanting to exert that control anymore, he just wanted to kiss her and hold her and love her for the rest of his life.

‘I love you, Rosaline.’ He whispered while Arthur took her empty glass to the kitchen. She just laughed and told him to stop embarrassing her with his compliments, but he refused and just told her how much he liked when he made her cheeks go red.

They went to bed late into the night, Remus feeling the warmth of the Firewhiskey in his muscles and Rosaline just laughed at him still paying her all the attention she could handle. Remus finally settled next to his wife and watched her climb into bed next to him, resting her tired body against his chest.

‘This isn’t the life I pictured for us,’ Remus whispered, stroking her reddened cheeks. ‘But when this war ends, it will be better, I’m going to spoil her and you and there is absolutely nothing you can say that will stop me.’ Remus smiled down at his giggling wife and kissed her gently, allowing it to turn into something more tender and loving. ‘I love you.’ He whispered, over and over again.


	35. Battle of Hogwarts

The days were getting darker and the only thing keeping the Lupins together was their daughter, Amara was growing far quicker than either of them were ready for and they were trying their absolute best to work out how to be better parents. They were struggling to make ends meet, both of them working odd jobs here and there, given that no one would hire Remus on the basis of him being a werewolf and almost everyone refused Rosaline by association. It was the source of some tension for a long time, but they were just about getting by and Amara was being looked after as well as she could be, that had to be enough for the time being.

Tonks had come by during the Easter break to tell them that she’d heard faint rumours that Death Eaters were looking for Rosie, apparently Yaxley hadn’t forgotten the stunner she’d sent at him. Remus was angry for a while that her impulsive temper put their daughter’s life at risk, but soon calmed down when he concluded that he would probably have done something similar in the same situation.

They moved around every so often, sometimes spending a few days in one place or another, changing it up from the Burrow, Shell Cottage with Bill and Fleur, Lyall’s cottage and with the Tonks’. This was not the life Rosaline and Remus wanted for their daughter, Rosaline especially hated it, because it reminded her so much of when she was younger and all she did was move from place to place, never settling. 

They had a rare couple of days in their own home to relax a little after the full moon. Remus was exhausted, but Rosaline was keeping him calm while she played with Amara, who seemed none the wiser to the darkening days they lived in. She was giggling and playing happily with her mother.

Rosaline was looking more and more worn down, both of them exhausted from the amount of protective charms and enchantments that they needed to put up just to keep themselves safe, and yet, she still smiled when her daughter laughed. 

Remus was exhausted the night before from the full moon and through it admitted again how excited he was for Amara’s first day of Hogwarts, he couldn’t wait to take her to the Platform and wave her away on her first big adventure. Rosaline just smiled and asked what he thought she would like doing, he didn’t really know, he had a small hope that she would enjoy music as much as they did, that she would always want to dance to the latest albums, that her favourite bands would stem from their own, but there was no telling what Amara would grow up to be. Remus was just looking forward to finding out who she was.

While he was thinking, Amara had fallen asleep on Rosaline’s chest and his wife had a strange look on her face.

‘Are you alright?’ Remus asked.

She looked up at him and smiled sadly. ‘There’s a chance we won’t survive this war.’ She said and it hurt Remus to hear, but truthfully, it had been in the very back of his mind.

‘We can’t think like that,’ Remus shook his head. ‘We are going to make it through, we are going to raise our daughter to be the most wonderful woman in the world and we are going to live to ridiculously old ages, I feel very sure of it.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’ Remus said, firmly, trying to get her onto a more positive line of thinking.

‘I think we need to… because if we don’t…’ Rosaline’s eyes were filling with water and Remus was so sick of seeing it. ‘I just think we need to prepare for the possibility, just in case… Molly and Arthur wrote their wills after Mad-Eye died, I think they were worried about what would happen to the kids if they didn’t make it.’

‘Well… having a will is never a bad thing,’ Remus sighed, not having the energy to argue. ‘Is that something you’d like to do?’

‘I think it would be a good idea,’ Rosaline looked down at the sleeping figure on her chest. ‘I think we should write her a letter.’

Remus could feel his annoyance getting the better of him, but he just adjusted his slumped figure in his armchair. ‘Alright, we’ll write her a letter.’ 

They sat for a few minutes, Rosaline scratching on her own parchment at an alarming pace and Remus not having much clue of what to write.

‘Well, what do you think she’d like to hear? What do you think she’d like to know about us?’ Rosaline smiled and Remus thought a little about what to tell his daughter about the life they were living.

He did his best and realised that Rosaline had finished long before he had and was trying not to laugh at how grouchy he’d become. He finished off his letter and retrieved a couple of envelopes sealing each letter and putting them in an old wooden box he kept their photographs in. He had an idea and took the camera downstairs to find that Rosaline was almost asleep as well, Remus took the picture and dated the back of it. If they did die before the end of the war, then his daughter needed to know how much she was loved and how much they tried.

Tonks was on the scene moments after the mass killing at Gringotts bank, none of them were stupid, they all knew Voldemort was the one who ordered the attack and that only meant that Harry and the other two had done something right. Tonks had orders from Kingsley to hide anything that pointed them in the direction of Harry and she did so without any hesitation.

It was a long day and an even longer night and it ended with her going to visit the Lupins first thing in the morning to tell them what happened. They were organising their music, scribbling something on a piece of parchment every so often while Tonks kept Amara occupied. They had an entire wall filled with music and a few books beneath and Tonks couldn’t deny how impressive it looked.

‘Why don’t you sleep for a bit?’ Rosie said, handing Remus another cup of tea with a smile. ‘You can stay here if you want, we’ll wake you in a few hours.’

‘No, it’s fine, I’m not sleepy, just tired.’ Tonks said giving Amara a tickle. ‘Oh that reminds me, dad was asking if I could get a picture of the three of you for his family collection.’ Rosie frowned, still scribbling away with Remus calling out the odd album. ‘Rosie, he considers the three of you family, you can’t be surprised by that.’

‘I think she’s just more nervous about the picture.’ Remus half laughed. ‘She’s been caught unsuspecting a few times by someone recently and she now distrusts the camera.’

‘Well, who’s fault is that?’ Rosie snapped, laughing as she did. 

Tonks loved how they laughed together, it was how it should have been. She passed Amara to Rosaline and got them to stand in front of their music collection while she took the picture. Amara was giggling and wriggling around making it difficult for them to keep a hold of her properly, but it only made them both laugh at her antics and it made for a beautiful photo. 

‘I think someone’s getting a little tired,’ Remus said, watching his daughter eyes grow heavier as she wriggled in his wife’s grasp. ‘I think it’s time to get you to bed, young lady.’

Remus gently took Amara, Rosaline kissing her rosy cheeks and telling her she loved her. 

‘Don’t forget the music.’ Rosaline said, to which Remus quickly picked up an album Tonks recognised, lifting it to show he hadn’t forgotten. ‘She sleeps better listening to From Her To Eternity, no idea why, but it keeps her quiet for a while.’ She laughed, but Tonks could see the tiredness in her eyes. 

‘It’ll be over soon, Rosie.’ Tonks placed her hand on her friend’s shoulder, watching the familiar small twitch at the contact, she wouldn’t be Rosie if she didn’t flinch at physical contact.

‘I know.’ She nodded and finished off the list they had been making. ‘That’s all of our music, put into proper order and recommended listening by tone and mood.’

‘That… is bloody impressive.’ Tonks looked at the list which was well over two twelve inch parchments long, front and back. ‘Is this what you’ve been doing the last few months?’

‘Pretty much,’ Rosie nodded, stretching her neck a little. ‘We wanted to get it finished weeks ago, but with all this moving around it’s just been mayhem.’

‘I can imagine. Dad says if it helps keep Amara safe, you needn’t send word ahead that you’ll be visiting, just turn up. I think he’s right as well, the Death Eaters are getting bolder and there’s no telling what they’re intercepting these days, you’d be safer just going and not telling anyone.’ 

Rosie sighed and looked away sadly before nodding. Remus eventually came back down and they went to make dinner, putting the radio on as they always did in case there were anymore clues to Harry’s whereabouts or what was going on, but it was just the usual codes and phrases, nothing to get too worked up about.

‘Wait, shhh.’ Remus suddenly said, Tonks and Rosie had been laughing about something when he quietened them. That’s when they heard it loud and clear.

‘Lightning has struck, I repeat, lightning has struck!’ 

The three of them looked at each other, it was the code phrase that told them Harry was back at Hogwarts, the call to arms and there was no way that any of them would hide when their friends needed their help. 

Remus picked up Amara and they apparated straight to the Tonks’ home.

‘We heard it on the radio.’ Ted said, not letting them explain why they had suddenly showed up. ‘We’ll keep her safe, just get to Harry and get yourselves back safe.’ 

Remus handed over his daughter, kissing her soft forehead. ‘I love you, Amara, we’ll be back soon, just be good for your Uncle Teddy, alright.’ He kissed her again and Rosie did the same.

‘Be good, my darling girl.’ She whispered. ‘I love you with all my heart.’ She kissed her daughter and the three of them apparated to Hogsmeade where they met up with Kingsley, making their way into the school, ready to fight. 

It was chaos, McGonagall gave them a brief update on what had happened with Snape and asked that a perimeter be secured to protect the students. Voldemort was coming. Tonks was going with Rosie to the courtyard while Remus went with Kingsley to secure the Astronomy Tower. He watched as the Lupins said their words of love to each other, all of it laced with fear.

‘Stay safe, Rosaline.’ Remus implored. ‘I’ll find you as soon as I can.’ He kissed her with everything he could muster. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you, Remus.’ She panted back and embraced her husband before sprinting with Tonks to the courtyard where they began sending up protective charms. 

The battle started before anyone knew what had happened, Tonks was very aware that they were playing for time, nothing else, there was no way they were surviving Voldemort’s army alone, but if Harry could destroy the final Horcruxes they may have stood some kind of chance. 

Voldemort had more than Death Eaters on his side and at one point Tonks finished one of them off, turning to see McGonagall backing away from a troll, Rosie, being much quicker darted forward and single-handedly took it down, saving lives in the process, before sprinting forward into the crowd of oncoming Death Eaters.

The battle continued like that for what felt like hours, she’d heard Remus was fighting off Death Eaters in the entrance hall and saving countless students in the process and for the first time in months, Tonks felt so hopeful that they could win this war.

Remus was screaming for the younger students to get back while he took on both of the Carrows, he was exhausted and almost certain he couldn’t win, that was until Rosaline came bursting through the castle doors, finishing off a burly wizard with a powerful stunner and both of them were thrust into yet another vicious duel. Remus was hit with some kind of hex and flew backwards, but Rosaline just kept fighting, he knew she recognised those voices and her revenge was the only thing that kept her going.

A student Remus didn’t recognise bent down to see if he was okay, but honestly his chest was killing him, he wasn’t sure what he was hit with, but it hurt like hell. 

‘Is he alright?’ Rosaline roared, running over to him. ‘Remus, are you alright?’ He couldn’t breathe, why was it so difficult to breathe? ‘Come on, just take one deep breath for me, you’ll be alright, that’s it.’ Remus sucked in the deepest breath he could and felt Rosaline casting some kind of spell that lifted the feeling of suffocation. ‘That’s it, that’s it, you’re okay.’ She said and held him tightly. ‘You’re alright, but we have to keep going, okay, can you do that?’

Remus nodded and saw that her face was cut and bruised, how long had she been fighting? Remus stood up, shakily, regaining himself before looking around at the desolation.

‘We’ll be okay, Remus.’ Rosaline said, still checking if he was okay.

‘We’ll be okay.’ He repeated to himself and thought only of his daughter and how he needed to survive for her, he couldn’t let his child grow up with them, he needed to prove he was good enough to be a father to her.

Suddenly the stone beside him exploded with the force of another spell being cast towards them. The cackling of Bellatrix Lestrange made his blood boil, Rodolphus and Dolohov weren’t that far behind and Rosaline was ready to fight all three of them if she had to. 

Bellatrix was the first to fire off a curse, blocked by Rosaline, they came in thick and fast and all she could do was block. Remus lifted himself up and Rodolphus was the one to fire at him, like his wife, all Remus could do was block the spells. He wasn’t sure how long they could keep it up for, but he would keep going as long as he needed to, as long as it took to see the younger students safely away from the conflict.

Tonks came sprinting around the corner after hearing from a student who Remus and Rosie were fighting, she came just in time and fired off a stunner towards her aunt Bellatrix, distracting her enough to let Rosie get in a shot, prompting Dolohov to take over. 

It was clear how weak the Lupins were when they struggled against Dolohov and Rodolphus, Tonks couldn’t get in enough shots to weaken them and before she knew it Bellatrix was back.

‘You filthy mudbloods!’ Her eyes were wide with rage, she went to fire the killing curse at Rosie, but Rodolphus of all people cause her to miss, Bellatrix just glared at him. Tonks fired something off towards Rodolphus who was just watching his daughter almost sympathetically, he flew back into the stone wall.

Tonks took her wand off of Dolohov for just a second too long and in rapid succession he killed Remus. Bellatrix didn’t hesitate and while Rosie was about to scream for her husband, Bellatrix killed her. Rodolphus cried out and Flitwick appeared avenging Remus, taking out Dolohov, but Bellatrix somehow managed to escape in all the confusion. Tonks sent another stunner to Rodolphus and knocked him unconscious while she bent down to see her two best friends lying lifeless next to each other.

Remus had fallen back, his body crippled with his legs folded beneath him, but his eyes were open looking at his wife’s own lifeless body which had fallen forward towards him, her hand reaching out to him. There was no more love between them, just fear etched onto their faces for the last time. Tonks screamed and cried and felt her whole body bleeding with anger and sadness, they couldn’t be gone, they just couldn’t be. 

Flitwick was the one to tell her that everything had stopped, Voldemort had retreated and allowed them to collect their dead as some kind of show of respect, but Tonks just couldn’t move and it took Kingsley, Dean Thomas and a few others to help get the Lupins’ bodies into the Great Hall with the rest of the dead.

Pomfrey knew she couldn’t do anything for them, so simply closed their eyes and allowed Rosie and Remus to finally rest. 

Tonks sat at the end of the beds and cried hard, she didn’t know what she was supposed to do, everyone else was either mourning or they were tending to their injured friends, but Tonks sat all alone and held the cold hands of the two people who she loved more than anything.

The battle went on, there was no time to mourn for too long, the Death Eaters were coming again in full force, Tonks fought hard for the memory of her friends, she fought for the Lupins and she fought for their surviving daughter. Voldemort and Harry had one final stand off in the courtyard, Tonks and Molly took down Bellatrix, retribution for what she did to Rosie and Remus and finally it was over.

‘At least they’re not in pain anymore.’ Kingsley said quietly as Tonks went back to sit with Remus and Rosie one last time. 

Kingsley was right, Rosie was always in such pain, she lived with it daily and she above anyone else deserved some peace from that. Remus wasn’t much better, his transformations had been especially difficult in the last few months with all their moving around, but now they could finally rest and be assured that their daughter was being left in the safest hands they could leave her in.

Tonks swore to herself that she would raise Amara on stories of her parents, not letting a day go by that she doesn’t tell her how brave they were, or how they died because they did what was right when so many others couldn’t find the strength. They were brave and they were kind and Amara would be proud to call them her parents.

It was a long few days, funerals were held, Kingsley was made Minister, the ministry was slowly being rebuilt and Tonks cried every time she looked at her goddaughter and saw those brilliant green eyes of her mother’s, her hair was lightening into a sandy colour that belonged to her father and it broke Tonks’s heart to know that this was all that was left of Remus and Rosie Lupin.

She went to their old cottage with her father to collect the rest of Amara’s things and quite by chance Tonks saw a wooden box sat open on the chest of drawers opposite their bed. It was filled with photographs and old letters, two of which were addressed to Amara and one to Tonks. 

Tonks didn’t have the heart to read it just yet, she just sat on the edge of the bed and cried some more. Her father came around the corner and wrapped his arm around his daughter’s shaking body. 

‘It’s alight, Dora, it’s okay.’ He said, trying to soothe her. ‘They’re at peace now and they are going to live on through Amara and through you… what’s that?’ He pointed to the letter that Tonks couldn’t bear to read. ‘Well, why would they have written it if they didn’t want you to read it?’ He gave her a kind smile and kissed her drab, mousy hair. ‘I’ll take the rest of Amara’s things home, you just take your time to say goodbye.’ 

Ted left his daughter sitting on the edge of the bed and hoped she would be okay.

Tonks,

So, I suppose as the old saying goes, if you’re reading this then we’re probably… well, we’re probably not there anymore. 

We’ve been going back and forth over the last few weeks about writing this, but we’ve agreed that we need to do what’s best for Amara in the event that we are not there to see her grow up. We made you godmother for a reason and we can’t imagine anyone better to raise our darling girl than you and Molly, so please, make sure she grows up happy. 

I am so sorry if we’ve left you alone, I’m sure whatever happened we did our best and we did the right thing, at least, I hope that’s what happened. 

So, to get to the point, we decided that while we have no problem with you telling Amara all the stories you like about us, and we hope that you do, we would like you to do something else. This box is filled with all the old letters and photographs we have, including the ones Sirius took, if you don’t mind keeping a hold of it and giving it to Amara when you feel the time is appropriate we would be very grateful. We thought maybe the morning of her seventeenth birthday would be a good time, we think her last year of Hogwarts should be about thinking about what she really wants to do with her life and she will also be old enough to understand some of the things we had to do.

The other thing we would like, if it’s possible, is to keep our albums to give her, we’ve been working on a list, the order in which we think the music should be listened to and again we feel this is something she might come to enjoy.

We worried for a long time about being able to provide for our daughter, having been fired from the ministry and Remus’s condition hindering him, it has been difficult for us to secure a future for her. We hope that we have contributed to building a better world for our daughter, one where she can grow up to be whoever she wants to be, love whoever she wants to love and do anything her heart desires. If it is possible, would you be able to make sure that Remus’s books are published? As far as I’m aware, he’s keeping them in his desk drawer, at the bottom, but by the time you read this, he may well have moved them somewhere else. We think that once the war is over they will be of historical value and might be enough to get Amara through school, if not, then please sell anything you feel might help her.

Now for you, I know for absolute fact that I would not have survived for as long as I did without you, you are my best friend and I will never forget the things you did for me, you helped me come out of my shell, you helped me forgive Remus and you helped me to see how wonderful life could be if you just stayed positive and had a bit of attitude. 

Tonks, I love you and I am so sorry that I couldn’t be there for you.

Please take care of our daughter, she never deserved this life, but I feel sure she will make the very best of it.

All our love

Rosie and Remus

P.S. I forgot to mention, with Amara, if you’re struggling to get her to sleep, play the album From Her To Eternity by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, we have no idea why, but it seems to get her to settle pretty quickly. 

Tonks cried as hard as she did the moment their bodies dropped, her whole being ached and bled, her heart couldn’t take it, the loss, the anger, the grief, the sadness all rolling into one. She sat on the floor of their old bedroom for hours reading through their old letters to each other, they dated each one and it was their whole relationship summed up perfectly. They loved each other, they missed each other and they couldn’t stand being apart from each other when the world looked so grim.

Tonks eventually packed up the wooden box and any other photos she found lying around. She found Remus’s manuscripts, the last few pages of the second book had yet to be written, but they documented the two wars he fought in and Tonks thought Rosie had been right, they would be very important historically if published.

She took one last look around their old cottage and noted how empty it felt without the music playing. It was the one thing she always took for granted. The music wasn’t just a distraction for the Lupins, it was how everyone else knew they were okay.


	36. Epilogue

I’d been woken up early by Tonks and I hated it, much preferring to sleep in, but she was adamant that now I was old enough that I could see her most treasured possession. It was a box, plain and simple, wooden, no bigger than a large shoe box, but it was heavy. She had a tear in her eye when she gave it to me, like she was giving something away or saying goodbye to an old friend. It was only when I opened the box that I understood why.

I sat down on the bed in my small room in the small cottage belonging to Ted and Andromeda Tonks, they couldn’t afford to give me much more than their small spare room, but I loved them for giving me a home nonetheless, they didn’t have to, but they always said that it was their pleasure and their honour to have me. I never understood what that meant, but I would always nod and thank them anyway.

Tonks told me not to open it until she came back with a cup of tea for us both so that she could explain a few things. She sat down in her bright pink pyjama t-shirt and white trousers and smiled a little sadly at me. 

‘If it was up to me, I would have shown you this years ago,’ she said, a lump forming in her throat. ‘But I was under strict instruction to wait until the morning of your seventeenth birthday so that when you go to Hogwarts next year, you can think on what it is you really want to do with your life.’

I frowned, opening up the small wooden box and looked down at the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my whole life. My parents. It was a photograph of my parents holding me on the night they died. 

‘2nd May 1998.’ Tonks wiped away a tear that was threatening to fall. ‘I’ll never forget that night and I’ll never forget taking that picture. We were all so scared at the time, but your parents… Rosie was my best friend and Remus was so perfect for her. When they had you, it was like everything felt right with the world… and then the idiots asked me to be godmother and I knew it was all downhill from there.’ Tonks half laughed, prompting me to do the same. 

My mother was so beautiful, the same green eyes and smattering of freckles that I had, but unlike her, my hair was a sandy colour that I’d always been told came from my father who was handsome enough, but when he looked at me and my mother with that loving smile, he was as perfect as her. 

‘Amara,’ Tonks said, I looked up at her eyes now filling entirely with water. ‘I am so sorry that you never got the chance to know them, but this box is everything they left for you that was important. They both wrote you a letter,’ Tonks pulled out two envelopes addressed to me. ‘I think in some way, despite them always saying that everything would be okay, they knew the war would be the end for them. They left a letter for me as well with the instructions to give you this box on your seventeenth birthday, to make sure that Remus’s books got published so that you always had a bit of extra cash and the one thing they made me promise was that I give you a list of their albums in the order that they should be played. No one knew music like your parents and I don’t think any of us really appreciated that until it was too late.’

I was only half listening to Tonks, I couldn’t help but stare down at my parents, to know that on their last day on earth, they smiled. They loved me. 

The only real thing I had that told me what my parents were like was the stories people told me and my father’s books, which sold at a phenomenal rate the year they came out; the second one was my favourite, because he made footnotes about my mother and how they fell in love. They were small and seemed somehow irrelevant to the actual documentation of the war, which Tonks said was a publishing decision, but to me they were everything I ever had to know my parents were real. She had given me the original manuscripts, the second one was unfinished, but she and Ted filled in the blanks that related to the final battle against Lord Voldemort.

‘I’ll make us some breakfast while you read their letters.’ Tonks said and laid the two letters down next to me.

Amara,

My darling baby girl. You will never know how much I love you, or how the love that made you, saved my life. Your father was the only thing I ever needed to allow me to keep my faith in life, because before him I had none.

My mother, your grandmother, Margaret Carter was a Death Eater by public knowledge, but along with Severus Snape, she was a spy for the Order of the Phoenix and she was the bravest woman I ever knew. She taught me how to be strong, to survive and have courage, but she never got the chance to teach me how to live. Your father was the one who did that and he did so without any hesitation.

We spoke only last night about how we can’t wait to drop you off at Platform 9 3/4 for your first day at Hogwarts, of course, we don’t care that much which house you end up in, we were both Gryffindors, but that doesn’t mean you should feel any pressure about that, every house has its qualities, my mother was a Slytherin and she turned out very well in the end.

But, if we don’t get to see that day, I don’t want you to be sad about it, I want you to be happy and know that your father and I wouldn’t change a single thing we did. We will fight if called upon because we believe that by doing so, we are affording you the life we wished we had when we were young. Your father’s lycanthropy started when he was just four years old and I was attacked and cursed when I was seven. I think it best that one of your godparents explain a little more about it as I don’t really like to think on it.

We were worried when you were born that you would inherit my curse and we couldn’t imagine a worse fate for a baby, but it seems like you only feel joy, because all you ever seem to do is smile up at us, except when you’re hungry and then we’re both convinced you’re some form of devil child. But I expect all parents feel like that. 

When the first full moon came along, I can’t deny how scared I was, I stayed with you all night just in case, but you just slept soundly and quietly. Your father came back frantic and asking me all sorts of questions, but I assured him you were fine and got him into bed to rest. The only strange occurrence was that you were exceptionally tired, we concluded that only some of Remus’s attributes were passed on to you, so possibly you’ll end up with wolf-like qualities without any of the pain, which makes me so very happy to think about. I’m excited to find out how you like your steaks, your father likes them a little on the raw side, in fact, he’s got a particular liking for all meat, that and chocolate which I constantly tell him he needs to cut back on otherwise he’ll rot his teeth, but he doesn’t listen or seem to care much, because he just laughs and eats some more.

Amara, I want you to know that I love you, with all of my heart, I love you. I didn’t know if I wanted to write this letter because I knew what it meant, your father is even less pleased about it, but I’m hoping through his annoyed looks it means he’s doing it for me. We’re writing these letters in the living room by the way, in our cottage in Yorkshire, your first home. Your father is sitting in the armchair and I’m laying across the sofa and trying not to laugh at his grumpy attitude, it was a hard transformation this month and I’m sure it was because he was exhausted from putting up so many protective charms, we've had to move around a lot recently. You’re sleeping on top of me, because we couldn’t get you to sleep in the cot for some reason, so I suppose I’m stuck until you decide you’ve had enough. I feel if we don’t survive then giving you that information might be important.

Anyway, I don’t know what more to say, I suppose if we do die before this war is over, no one will let you grow up without a few stories, I just hope they put us in a good light, but then you can’t have everything and we wouldn’t be human if there weren’t a few horror stories in there.

I hope you don’t cry reading this, I know if my mother wrote me a letter, I would ball my eyes out for how much I miss her. But I want you to think of this as a happy thing. After all, I’m writing this so that you can have something of me to keep with you through the hard times, of which I’m sure there will be many. 

I love you my darling girl, more than you could ever know.

Keep your faith in life and have courage.

Your mother

Rosaline 

I couldn’t breathe, the tears were too much, blinding me, making it hard to read the words my mother wrote all those years ago. It was too much to think about, too much to take in, she was real, she really did exist and this letter was the proof. All I ever had of my parents before this moment was a few pictures from their wedding and one of the entire Order standing together during the war. But this was real, living proof that my parents were more than a faded photograph.

I wiped away my tears and took a deep calming breath, reciting the old mantra Tonks used to encourage me to go through when I was finding life difficult. Breathe, just breathe, relax and take a deep breath.

I picked up the next envelope, breathing steadily and as calmly as I could. The writing was slightly more scrawled and it only made me smile to know that my father was a little grumpy when writing it.

Amara,

You mother knows full well that I’m not in the right mind set to write this and I can see her trying to stifle a laugh which is only serving to annoy me more. Having said that, she is beautiful with you laying across her chest and I think she might be right.

This war is taking its toll on the both of us and I am worried for what it means. When she asked me to write this letter, I was at a bit of a loss, I wasn’t sure what to put into it or what would have been appropriate, but she smiled and said “what do you think she’d like to know about us?”. In truth, that hasn’t helped very much, but I will do my very best.

When I met your mother, I was so scared for her, this beautiful, radiant, smart and funny woman was in constant pain and I knew she needed help. I hope you don’t think poorly of me, but we met when she was in her seventh year of Hogwarts and I was teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts. Of course, please don’t think that we were those types of people to cause a scandal, the very last thing I expected when I took that post was to fall in love, especially given my condition, it was most inconvenient. But I was professional and I did my best to help her see that her life didn’t have to be about pain.

In fact, the very first time I met your mother was about a month into the school year if I remember correctly, she didn’t turn up to many classes because her intelligence superseded anything her teachers could give her and the boredom only made her feel the pain she was trying to distract herself from. But she made a promise to the Headmaster that at least once a week she would make the effort to go to each class… I’m not so sure if this is really what she intended for these letters, but I think it would be nice for you to know how we met and the circumstance under which we fell in love.

Over the course of the school year, I taught her the patronus charm, not that I thought she was incapable in the slightest, but because of the dementors who guarded the school at that time, I thought she would suffer more because of what is in her past; your mother is exceptionally skilled and I feel you would only know that through other people’s telling of that. She often smiled the most beautiful smile and went the most wonderful shade of red whenever anyone complimented her, so once we were out of Hogwarts, I made it my intention to compliment her as often as I could. 

I suppose it’s important for you to know that when she was a girl, her mother was a spy for the Order and once the war was over and Voldemort was defeated, Death Eaters went after Maggie Carter and so in turn, Rosaline. Her mother died that night protecting Rosaline and for years she never knew who saved her, as it turned out, it was my father – who you should visit as he gets lonely and he’s always asking about you – I took your mother to Hogsmeade to meet with my father so that he could shed some light on the events of that night, it gave her some comfort, but like with everything else, she didn’t speak much about it for a long time.

Anyway, at the end of the school year, my condition was ‘accidentally’ revealed, and it forced my resignation, your mother was understandably upset, but she was optimistic having been scouted by Kingsley Shacklebolt and offered a job as a crafter for the Aurors department. And then I did something monstrous, I made her a promise that I wouldn’t leave her of my own accord and I did just that. I felt her association with me would only harm her career or any opportunity she had to live a good life, but of course, as she often reminds me, I was wrong.

A year later we met again and she was understandably angry and upset. It took a very long time for us to reconcile, but I didn’t give up because I knew despite her frustration and anger, we loved each other and that in itself was always worth fighting for.

We eventually got married – I often wonder if it was more impulsive than right, given that everyone was panicking over the war, any day could have been our last – and then you came along and it was the single greatest day of my life. Your mother was so strong, I’d never seen anyone give birth before, there was no real reason for me to have done so, but to go through that on top of the pain she feels daily was a truly courageous act and I am ever proud to call her my wife. 

I broke just one more promise to her, I swore I never would, but when I told her she just laughed and accepted that this was just one promise that was bound to be broken by your arrival. I swore I would never love anyone more than I love your mother, but the second you came into the world, my love for you superseded my love for her. 

We promised each other that no matter what, your safety came first, if one of us is killed during this war, the other will run to protect you, because that is the way it should be and that is the way it will always be. 

I don’t know what the future holds, we may die tomorrow or fifty years from now, but I hope I get the chance to know you properly, I hope I get to spoil you with chocolate and listen to your mother shouting at me for doing so, I hope I get to meet the person you fall in love with and I hope you devote yourself to them as fully as I have devoted myself to you and your mother. I hope to walk you down the aisle, I hope to meet your children and watch you grow into the most beautiful woman you could possibly be. I hope you keep your freckles, they’re starting to show on your cheeks now as we approach you first birthday, you have your mothers eyes and those freckles made me fall so deeply in love with her.

Your mother has finished her letter and she’s looking at me, I’m not sure I like how amused she is. 

I hope this has been enough for you, I’m not sure what else to say to be honest. Except that I love you with all of my heart and I will do my utmost to survive this war for your sake.

Stay strong Amara, love with all of yourself and know that no one will love you as much as I do.

Your father

Remus

P.S. I forgot to say, just in case we don’t survive and there is no one else to tell you: during the full moon, if you feel especially tired, drink Wolfsbane. While I am exceptionally happy that you haven’t inherited mine or your mother’s curses, you will feel some lycanthropic effects, so make sure you look after yourself, be a little selfish where your health is concerned and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re unsure of anything. I love you.

It was so hard to keep a hold of my tears, I just couldn’t believe that my father’s entire letter was about me and my mum, I couldn’t believe that the last things he wanted me to know was how much he loved her and looked forward to seeing who I grew up to be.

Tonks came back with some breakfast, a bacon sandwich and I asked a question which seemed somehow important.

‘Did my dad like his bacon this way? Only just cooked?’ 

Tonks just smiled, her pink hair somehow brightening. ‘He used to get annoyed if you left it in the pan for more than a couple of minutes.’ She nodded. ‘Your mum always used to laugh at him for it, is that what he talked about in his letter? How much he disliked overcooked bacon?’

‘No,’ I shook my head, feeling my tear flooding my eyes again. ‘My mum said my dad loved his meat and… so do I.’

‘Yeah, I remember him mentioning that when Bill was attacked by Greyback, told Fleur he’d probably like his steaks on the raw side.’ Tonks laughed, remembering the day. ‘Anyway, let’s go through some of these pictures, I cannot wait to tell you about some of the things your mum did!’

Tonks showed me some of the pictures taken by Sirius Black, he was my parents friend and a man who had really only recently been cleared of any crimes. Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Minister for Magic had done the right thing in clearing a lot of names since the war, giving out Order of Merlin’s to those who’d lost their lives, including my parents, my father being the first werewolf to receive the award. It sat on my chest of drawers and it was yet another reminder that my parents were brave.

‘Not just brave,’ Tonks smiled. ‘Your father was the kindest man I knew, he’d never say no to anyone who needed help. Everyone treated him like crap for so long because of what he was, everyone except Rosie, who just fell all the more in love with him. And Rosie was so funny, she was quiet and had a temper to be reckoned with, much like yourself,’ I had to laugh at all the times I’d lost my temper at school for one reason or another, Tonks never seemed too upset by it though, she just smiled like it was an old memory and now I knew why. ‘Mind you, your dad, as calm as he was, had his limits as well.’

‘Do you think they’d be upset that I get in trouble so much?’ I asked, strangely imaging getting a howler from my mother and secretly rejoicing that I could hear from her. 

Tonks thought for a moment. ‘I think, were they alive now, they wouldn’t exactly be happy that you misbehaved so much, but your dad was a bit of a prankster in school so I don’t think they’d be surprised.’

‘He was a prankster?’

‘Yeah, him Sirius, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were best friends in school, called themselves the Marauders.’ Tonks laughed and I couldn’t help my smile. ‘Of course, Peter turned out to be a coward and was responsible for a lot of the stuff that happened in the first war, I think your dad talks about it a bit in his book, but no one really knew that at the time, they all thought Sirius was the traitor.’ I already knew about this, having skimmed my copy of ‘The First Great War by R. J. Lupin’, but nowhere did it mention how close the four boys were at school.

‘What about my mum?’ I asked, hoping there was some great epic story about how popular she was.

‘Actually, Rosie didn’t really have many friends in school,’ Tonks said sadly and I felt my hope diminishing quickly. ‘I know that she was on the Quidditch team as a Chaser, but she sometimes played Seeker when Harry was injured. Oliver Wood was the closest friend she had, but I don’t think they knew each other too well.’

‘Oliver Wood?’ I exclaimed. ‘The England Keeper!’

‘Yeah, you a fan?’

‘Erm, yeah!’ I said, gesturing to my Puddlemere United poster. ‘So my mum liked Quidditch? Who did she support?’

‘Actually…’ Tonks looked a little awkward. ‘Rosie hated Quidditch.’ Once again I felt my heart sinking. ‘Well, I should clarify, she hated playing Quidditch, I think opinion on the sport in general softened over the years, but because of her condition, playing such an intense sport took its toll and she was always in a lot of pain from playing and any injury she got, big or small always felt so much worse than it actually was… but I think she’d be really happy that you love it so much, so don’t feel too bad about it.’

I nodded, feeling a little more distant from my parent than I had only a few moments ago.

‘Thing is Amara,’ Tonks rummaged around in the old letters to find another picture of my parents. ‘Your mum and dad were both cursed,’ she finally found the picture she was looking for, it looked like Christmas time and a big branch of mistletoe had been put up between them, my dad was looking at my mum who was trying to contain her smile, before he kissed her. It was like something out of a cheesy love story, but to me it felt so important. ‘They suffered so much pain in their life and I know that all they really wanted was for you to grow up better than they did. They wanted a warm home for you to come back to, they wanted you to experience all the best things in life, they wanted you to fall in love with some stupid boy and they wanted you to know how loved you are… I think as long as you remember those things, you’ll make them so proud.’ 

I couldn’t help my crying, I couldn’t help how much I missed them, I never knew them, but I missed them and now, through their old letters to one another, through the pictures people took of them and through the music they left behind, I would finally understand them.

Kingsley had been looking forward to this day for sixteen years, no one had managed to keep the post of Minister for Magic for so long, but it was important that he keep it for at least this long so that on the Day of Remembrance, he could tell a new story, one he’d been dying to tell since the war was over. 

Tonks told him that Amara wanted to come to the service of her own accord, understanding how important it was to remember those who gave they life during Voldemort’s downfall. He had never really spoken to the young woman, having only turned seventeen a couple of weeks ago and knowing she would have received her parent’s letters, but he’d kept tabs on her, much like a few others in the ministry and watched her grow into a fine young witch. 

The people all filed into the ministry reception and Tonks made sure that Amara was seated close to the plaque where her parent’s names sat next to each other.

‘Thank you all for coming here today.’ Kingsley said, his voice booming through the reception at an increased volume so that he could be heard by all. ‘Today we remember the sacrifices made by those who fell during the first and second wars, we remember our fallen heroes and we remember what was given so that we may continue on. Many of you will be expecting me to talk about the political and strategic side of those wars as I usually would, but this year marks a very special anniversary, sixteen years on and a young orphaned girl turns seventeen,’ Kingsley caught Amara’s eye, she was staring up at him, mouth slightly agape. ‘The daughter of two of the bravest souls I ever had the privilege to fight beside and two of the kindest and wisest individuals this world has ever seen. Today I would ask you to think on these heroes with extra care, I would ask you to honour the memory of their achievements, their sacrifice and take wisdom from the lives they lived. These heroes were Remus Lupin and Rosaline Carter. Two of my friends, my heroes and two people I think about every day of my life.’

Kingsley took a moment to compose himself, he could feel the lump forming in his throat. 

‘I first met Rosie when she was at school, the smartest witch of her age, built a pensieve out of books she found in the school library, I asked her to come and work for the ministry and do some good with her talents as a fine crafter. She agreed.’ Kingsley sipped a little water from the goblet next to him. ‘Remus Lupin was a teacher for one year at Hogwarts, he taught with enthusiasm and with as much wisdom and kindness as any man could ever possess. I am proud to have fought with such a warrior. Together, they fell in love, married and had a beautiful baby girl who bore her mother’s eyes and her father’s smile, they were asked far too many times to leave their daughter at home and join the fight against Voldemort and they did so, without hesitation, without questioning and without fear. Why? Because they believed in the future, they believed in life and they believed more than anything in love. They died during the final battle, leaving their one year old girl to navigate this new and better world alone, but far better they died leaving behind the foundation for us to build a better world, than died in vain. My greatest sadness is that they held so much hope that they would see their daughter grow, to die at the very end of things, hours before it was all over at the hands of truly evil men and women is the foulest crime ever committed. Remus Lupin was a werewolf, attacked when he was child of four by the now deceased werewolf Greyback, he the bravest man I knew and the kindest soul to walk this earth. Rosie Carter was cursed with living with the Cruciatis curse in her very skin, she was attacked when she was eight by a group of Death Eaters and stayed in her mother’s arms who died trying to save her daughter’s life, Rosie felt that pain every day of her life. Their daughter, while still young, has gone on to become the finest student at Hogwarts, a brave Gryffindor by nature, inherited her father’s compassion and her mother’s resilience and as I hear it, she has also inherited a fierce and short temper, something I always feared in her mother more than her father, especially when it came to the protection of those who could protect themselves.’ Kingsley smiled down at Amara who was close to tears. ‘Rosie Carter was a hero, Remus Lupin was a fighter. If I could have one more day with them both, I would make sure they knew how much I appreciated their wisdom, I would tell them that they didn’t need to worry,’ Kingsley was beginning to lose himself, he’d never been one for showing emotion, but this was getting to be too much. ‘I would look after their daughter to keep their memory alive, to keep them in the hearts of all those who they sacrificed themselves for. My only thanks is that they no longer have to live in pain and no one will ever again ask too much of them. Today I ask you to remember all those who died, but especially the Lupins, to remember what happens when you stand up to evil and you say no to the darkness, remember what happens when you choose love over hate and anger, when you treat those around you with compassion and you show kindness even during your darkest hours. You remember our fallen heroes and don’t you dare let them die in vain. Remember Remus Lupin. Remember Rosaline Carter.’

Kingsley nodded and listened to the sounds of the reception area politely clapping, most of them probably wouldn’t take the time to remember the Lupins, but Kingsley could never live with himself if he didn’t at least tell people about them. 

Tonks was standing with Amara who was crying and trying to hold herself together, when Kingsley gestured for them to come over to where he was standing.

‘Amara Hope Lupin.’ He smiled down at the young woman. ‘You look so like your mother, except the hair, your father had hair like yours and you’re a little taller than Rosie.’ She tried to smile, but her tears were stopping it from reaching her eyes.

‘You… you worked with my mother?’ She asked, her tears silently streaming down her face.

Kingsley sighed and nodded sadly. ‘Rosie was the best at what she did, she built and repaired our equipment, even making improvements that kept us safe and in the fight. She didn’t have the best start, people didn’t understand her because she was quiet, but Tonks soon got her to open up a little and much the shock to everyone else, we found your mother was quick, she was strong and she was so incredibly brave. Would you like to see the office where she worked?’

Amara nodded immediately and Kingsley snuck them out of the reception with Tonks’s help. The office was a lot different than it used to be, now it had four crafters all working at the same pace Rosaline worked at, no one could quite match up to her skill and Kingsley was hardly surprised. 

‘She used to sit about here,’ Kingsley demonstrated. ‘Her record player sat in the corner over there and she spent all day repairing old sneakoscopes, dark detectors, even vanishing cabinets and the odd dark object. She was a damn fine crafter and one of a kind, much like you.’ He watched Amara frown slightly. ‘Werewolves aren’t supposed to breed Amara, the risk of passing on their condition is too great and far too much pain to put on a child. Having said that, I suppose Rosie’s curse was much the same, it’s a wonder you’ve turned out as well as you have done.’

‘What do you think happened?’ Amara asked, looking at all the instruments that were in need of repair. 

Kingsley inhaled deeply and thought about it. ‘Well, I’m not healer, but from a magical stand point, I think the two curses cancelled each other out, but I’m no expert, I’m just glad you don’t suffer the way they did.’

Amara nodded a little sadly, the same way Rosie used to and it sent a sharp pain through Kingsley heart. 

‘Everyone always tells me how much they suffered,’ Amara said quietly. ‘They all tell me how much pain they were in and I think about how much I miss them, it makes me feel so guilty to want them to have survived, because if they did, they’d still be in pain wouldn’t they? So, maybe in a way, it’s better that they died… they were so in love with each other and now they get to be in love without the pain.’

‘Amara,’ Kingsley couldn’t help but smile. ‘You are so much more like your parents than you know. You’re right to miss them and to wish they were still around, Merlin knows I wish it had been me instead of them, but you’re also right that now they aren’t in pain anymore… they’re somewhere better and you get to live a life surrounded by people who loved them so much. That would be more than enough for them.’

Kingsley was suddenly taken aback by the young woman hugging him and crying into his shoulder. He held her tight and couldn’t help but remember the moments her mother cried and needed him to hold her, he was never very good at it, but he tried and for her that was enough, so he did his best for Amara and hoped it was enough.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered. ‘Thank you for remembering my parents.’

‘Always.’ He whispered back.

The last train back to Hogwarts, Tonks had dropped me off around eight o’clock because she needed to get to work early that day. I didn’t mind, it was the same every year, except first year where my grandfather, Lyall, had come along and stayed with me for three hours before the train left Platform 9 3/4. 

It was a strange sight now, not just because this was my last year at school, but because I suddenly noticed the crowds of people, first years being seen off by their parents for the first time. I wondered what it would have looked like if my parents had been there for my first day, would they have cried? Would my father have even been able to come? I wasn’t sure what the moon cycle even was around that time. I was being silly, of course he would have come, he wouldn't have let something like being a werewolf stop him from seeing me off for my first train ride to Hogwarts, not after he so looked forward to it.

I imagined that my mother would be quiet, trying not to let me know how upset she was to say goodbye, I imagined my father would give her knowing looks and sympathise and I imagined them standing hand in hand waving me off as the platform got smaller and smaller until I could no longer see it. 

All my friends found me sitting in our usual carriage and they asked me why I was crying, I didn’t even realise I was until they said it. I told them about my parents on the way to Hogwarts and it led to us all crying over what we’d all lost during the war, some of us it was aunties and uncles, others it was family friends, but no one else had lost two parents and no one else had parents like mine. 

I remembered Kingsley’s final words during his speech, it was never more important that I take those words to heart. 

Remember Remus Lupin. Remember Rosaline Carter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck with the story. My deepest love for you all.


End file.
